Advice..Please
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 16
Advice..Please
I'm new here so I'm not really sure it Im'm in the right place.
I have a question / concern.
My husband drinks too much. He knows he drinks too much. He's even said that he's an alcoholic/drinks too much.
How do you get someone like this to either A) Stop drinking altogether or B) at least cut back?
His time during the day sadly is his own. He owns his own company.
On days when he's not busy working he'll go sit in the bar.
He will come home around 5 completely intoxicated. When I ask him about it he becomes defensive & says I'm badgering him. Next morning when I ask again he apologizes, says he's sorry he lied (oh, he lies about his whereabouts too) says he's an alcoholic & he's trying. Says it's better than it was a few years ago. Which is right - However, the 5 or so times in a month that this happens just turns my stomach. I want to vomit when I know he's in the bar because I already know how the evening's going to go down. (I always have a 6th sense about where he is) I do make the mistake sometimes asking where he is. Hoping that he'll tell the truth. Most times he lies.
Help? Anyone?
After they've admitted to the problem - how do you get them to ACT? and do something about it?
I have a question / concern.
My husband drinks too much. He knows he drinks too much. He's even said that he's an alcoholic/drinks too much.
How do you get someone like this to either A) Stop drinking altogether or B) at least cut back?
His time during the day sadly is his own. He owns his own company.
On days when he's not busy working he'll go sit in the bar.
He will come home around 5 completely intoxicated. When I ask him about it he becomes defensive & says I'm badgering him. Next morning when I ask again he apologizes, says he's sorry he lied (oh, he lies about his whereabouts too) says he's an alcoholic & he's trying. Says it's better than it was a few years ago. Which is right - However, the 5 or so times in a month that this happens just turns my stomach. I want to vomit when I know he's in the bar because I already know how the evening's going to go down. (I always have a 6th sense about where he is) I do make the mistake sometimes asking where he is. Hoping that he'll tell the truth. Most times he lies.
Help? Anyone?
After they've admitted to the problem - how do you get them to ACT? and do something about it?
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,868
You are in the right place! Welcome to SR! You will find a lot of support here. Please read the "stickie" posts at the top of the forum. You will find a lot of helpful information there.
Pix is right. You can't make him stop drinking or even cut back. You cannot control what he does. You can, however, control how you deal with it. I hope you will consider finding and attending al-anon meetings. You will meet people who are going through, or have gone through, the exact same thing. You can learn how to detach from your husbands actions. You can learn to live a life of serenity regardless of what he chooses to do.
Again, welcome to SR. We are here to support you.
Pix is right. You can't make him stop drinking or even cut back. You cannot control what he does. You can, however, control how you deal with it. I hope you will consider finding and attending al-anon meetings. You will meet people who are going through, or have gone through, the exact same thing. You can learn how to detach from your husbands actions. You can learn to live a life of serenity regardless of what he chooses to do.
Again, welcome to SR. We are here to support you.
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Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Hi worndown, Welcome to SR!
The sad but true fact of the matter is......nothing.......there is nothing we can do to get our alcoholic loved ones to get the help they need. No begging, pleading, threatening, coaxing, ultimatums, nothing. The alcoholic has to decide this is something they want, and they must work for it with everything they have.
We learn here, and in our face-to-face meetings (Al-Anon), about the 3C's:
We did not cause the addiction.
We cannot control the addict.
We cannot cure the addict.
Three very, very frustrating, and freeing, ideas!
I hope that you will stick around! Read through the threads, and learn all that you can about this disease of addiction. You have found a wonderful place!
Hugs, HG
The sad but true fact of the matter is......nothing.......there is nothing we can do to get our alcoholic loved ones to get the help they need. No begging, pleading, threatening, coaxing, ultimatums, nothing. The alcoholic has to decide this is something they want, and they must work for it with everything they have.
We learn here, and in our face-to-face meetings (Al-Anon), about the 3C's:
We did not cause the addiction.
We cannot control the addict.
We cannot cure the addict.
Three very, very frustrating, and freeing, ideas!
I hope that you will stick around! Read through the threads, and learn all that you can about this disease of addiction. You have found a wonderful place!
Hugs, HG
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 16
Thanks.
I understand that alanon could be helpful.
I actually have a dear friend who attends now (her husband has completely stopped drinking. Yay! good for him)
I guess part of my questioning is - He's never actually admitted to having the problem until very recently.
About 3 years ago I did leave him for almost 2 years because of his drinking. I did make a mistake of coming home without having his WORD that he'd stop. I guess I took it that it was an unspoken thing. I'll come back if you at the very least cut back. He also is aware, because if I've said it once I've said it a thousand times, after our daughters wedding if things aren't better I'm packin' it in again.
The reality is it has gotten better than it was 3 years ago (off & on). But everytime he does drink TOO much I revert back. I get sick feelings, have anxiety attacks, become sarcastic & nit picky. All the things I used to do before I left him.
The anxiety attacks alone begin early in the morning on days I know that he doesn't have a full schedule.....Well, enough about my issues, I'm here to try to figure him out......
I understand that alanon could be helpful.
I actually have a dear friend who attends now (her husband has completely stopped drinking. Yay! good for him)
I guess part of my questioning is - He's never actually admitted to having the problem until very recently.
About 3 years ago I did leave him for almost 2 years because of his drinking. I did make a mistake of coming home without having his WORD that he'd stop. I guess I took it that it was an unspoken thing. I'll come back if you at the very least cut back. He also is aware, because if I've said it once I've said it a thousand times, after our daughters wedding if things aren't better I'm packin' it in again.
The reality is it has gotten better than it was 3 years ago (off & on). But everytime he does drink TOO much I revert back. I get sick feelings, have anxiety attacks, become sarcastic & nit picky. All the things I used to do before I left him.
The anxiety attacks alone begin early in the morning on days I know that he doesn't have a full schedule.....Well, enough about my issues, I'm here to try to figure him out......
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,868
I suggest you go with your dear friend to al-anon. It sounds like she still attends even though her husband has stopped drinking. That's great. Just because they stop doesn't mean they will stay stopped and just because they stop doesn't mean everything will be all rosy again.
I'll be right upfront and tell you that alcoholics lie. They manipulate. They'll say whatever they think you want to hear in order to keep things the same. Giving their WORD that they won't drink means nothing. Until their actions match their words, and continue to do so for a long period of time, their words mean nothing.
Only you can decide what you are willing to live with. We're here to support you regardless of what you decide. Hope you'll stick around and read alot and post a lot.
I'll be right upfront and tell you that alcoholics lie. They manipulate. They'll say whatever they think you want to hear in order to keep things the same. Giving their WORD that they won't drink means nothing. Until their actions match their words, and continue to do so for a long period of time, their words mean nothing.
Only you can decide what you are willing to live with. We're here to support you regardless of what you decide. Hope you'll stick around and read alot and post a lot.
Member
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Memphis, TN
Posts: 2,884
Worndown, you are wrong it is about you and fixing you. You CAN'T fix him, ever. You CAN'T make him want to get better, ever. You CAN fix you and that is what this site is all about.
Alcoholics lie, alcoholics manipulate and alcoholics don't have relationships, they take hostages. Until he wants to get better there is NOTHING that you can do to make him want to get better.
All that is going to happen is that things will get worse and worse until he is ready to get better, if ever.
What I have found out is that I can get stronger, centered and begin my own healing.
Read this thread: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ldnt-know.html
Either you will recognize a lot of what's in there or it is a glimpse into the future of living with an active alcoholic.
Take what you want and leave the rest.
Alcoholics lie, alcoholics manipulate and alcoholics don't have relationships, they take hostages. Until he wants to get better there is NOTHING that you can do to make him want to get better.
All that is going to happen is that things will get worse and worse until he is ready to get better, if ever.
What I have found out is that I can get stronger, centered and begin my own healing.
Read this thread: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ldnt-know.html
Either you will recognize a lot of what's in there or it is a glimpse into the future of living with an active alcoholic.
Take what you want and leave the rest.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 16
Letting go of the crutch......Well...that in itsself is an issue.
Because we (me included) do have many friends that we meet up with at a local bar. ALL of his friends are regulars there.
Now, I do drink too. I just can't & choose not to do the every single day thing that he does. I do have a glass of wine (sometimes 2) in the evenings.
So for him to STOP drinking completely would mean that he wouldn't be able to see his friends. They do things together outside the bar but that's only on occasion......golfing, bbq's. etc. He sees these people on a daily basis. How do you cut that off?
Oy is right..... It's a vicious circle.
Wedding's in July
Because we (me included) do have many friends that we meet up with at a local bar. ALL of his friends are regulars there.
Now, I do drink too. I just can't & choose not to do the every single day thing that he does. I do have a glass of wine (sometimes 2) in the evenings.
So for him to STOP drinking completely would mean that he wouldn't be able to see his friends. They do things together outside the bar but that's only on occasion......golfing, bbq's. etc. He sees these people on a daily basis. How do you cut that off?
he drinks
he lies about it
he SAYS he knows its a problem but then
he drinks some more
oy
he lies about it
he SAYS he knows its a problem but then
he drinks some more
oy
Wedding's in July
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 16
I read thru the Normie thread.
1st of all....observation Who told people that drink that you can't smell vodka on someone's breath? What a joke that was.
The posts that I can relate to: Breath smelling of vodka - even at night because he doesn't take the time to brush his teeth.
Sweat smelling of vodka. Ugh!
As for fixing him. Maybe I'm still at that point that If I Do This or If I Don't Do That it'll make a difference. I shouldn't be here. I've been here for a long time. But it's still how I feel.
1st of all....observation Who told people that drink that you can't smell vodka on someone's breath? What a joke that was.
The posts that I can relate to: Breath smelling of vodka - even at night because he doesn't take the time to brush his teeth.
Sweat smelling of vodka. Ugh!
As for fixing him. Maybe I'm still at that point that If I Do This or If I Don't Do That it'll make a difference. I shouldn't be here. I've been here for a long time. But it's still how I feel.
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,868
We all learn in our own time. Some people grasp it fairly quickly and get out before too much damage is done. Others hang on for years, trying to do just the right thing to change another person. It's futile, but until we have had enough, we keep trying. I hope you reach a point where you are willing to save yourself sooner rather than later.
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 837
Welcome worndown,
What you had to say about vodka is what I asked my therapist about, why do they think no one can smell vodka? I could smell my AH across the room. Is it because it's clear so they think there's no smell? Bizarre!
Can you think back when you left him for 2 years, how did you feel and how do you feel now? That might give you an idea of how to go.
What you had to say about vodka is what I asked my therapist about, why do they think no one can smell vodka? I could smell my AH across the room. Is it because it's clear so they think there's no smell? Bizarre!
Can you think back when you left him for 2 years, how did you feel and how do you feel now? That might give you an idea of how to go.
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Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: rural west
Posts: 1,375
We all come here wishing the same thing. I understand.
What helped me was people asking, "what is YOUR bottom line?"
In other words, what is and is not acceptable to you?
What do you need in a relationship?
What can you look at (on the surface, as if it were someone else's life) and say, "that isn't acceptable"?
Figuring those things out is a start.
Because we get treated poorly by our alcoholics and exuse it.
It's time to say that you matter.
Once you see your relationship clearly and what you are getting that you don't want and what you are not getting that you do want, you can see what the next step should be.
This process IS really about you and not him.
We're here for ya!
p
What helped me was people asking, "what is YOUR bottom line?"
In other words, what is and is not acceptable to you?
What do you need in a relationship?
What can you look at (on the surface, as if it were someone else's life) and say, "that isn't acceptable"?
Figuring those things out is a start.
Because we get treated poorly by our alcoholics and exuse it.
It's time to say that you matter.
Once you see your relationship clearly and what you are getting that you don't want and what you are not getting that you do want, you can see what the next step should be.
This process IS really about you and not him.
We're here for ya!
p
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 16
Rather than jump on someone elses thread - here's another question/thought.
Wanttobehealthy said in her thread/update........
When she wanted to be alone she went out to the patio & sat by herself. H comes out with a drink, turns on the music. She asks him to turn the music off, when he says no she goes to another part of the house..........Wow. What a relief that must have been.
In my life however it's entirely different.
If I go in another room to get away he just follows me. Keeps pecking at me.
How on earth, if you want peace do you get that kind of peace when you live under the same roof? The only time I get 'peace' when he's been drinking is if he's snoring on the couch. (eyes rolling) if you call that peace.
Even if I try to sleep on the couch when he's been on a binge & snores like a horse...he comes out, wakes me up, insists that I come back to bed. He's obviously still drunk & will not take no for an answer. He'll sleep/snore on the floor in the living room until I get up.
Yes, it's happened! Been a long time since it did so I guess I can say things aren't as bad as they once were......?????
Wanttobehealthy said in her thread/update........
When she wanted to be alone she went out to the patio & sat by herself. H comes out with a drink, turns on the music. She asks him to turn the music off, when he says no she goes to another part of the house..........Wow. What a relief that must have been.
In my life however it's entirely different.
If I go in another room to get away he just follows me. Keeps pecking at me.
How on earth, if you want peace do you get that kind of peace when you live under the same roof? The only time I get 'peace' when he's been drinking is if he's snoring on the couch. (eyes rolling) if you call that peace.
Even if I try to sleep on the couch when he's been on a binge & snores like a horse...he comes out, wakes me up, insists that I come back to bed. He's obviously still drunk & will not take no for an answer. He'll sleep/snore on the floor in the living room until I get up.
Yes, it's happened! Been a long time since it did so I guess I can say things aren't as bad as they once were......?????
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Originally Posted by fedup3 
Welcome worndown,
What you had to say about vodka is what I asked my therapist about, why do they think no one can smell vodka? I could smell my AH across the room. Is it because it's clear so they think there's no smell? Bizarre!
Can you think back when you left him for 2 years, how did you feel and how do you feel now? That might give you an idea of how to go.
What you had to say about vodka is what I asked my therapist about, why do they think no one can smell vodka? I could smell my AH across the room. Is it because it's clear so they think there's no smell? Bizarre!
Can you think back when you left him for 2 years, how did you feel and how do you feel now? That might give you an idea of how to go.
I was also very lonely. My friends are all married & at 45, what the heck do you do with all your time when you don't have a spouse to come home to.
The weeks seemed to drag. My husband & I were joined at the hip every weekend doing this & that - The lonely feeling (& fear) is partly why I went back. The other part was that I really did love him. I felt that if I wasn't there to protect him he'd be dead within a year. The kids would tell me how bad it'd gotten. He wouldn't listen to me. He always thinks I make things up when I tell him what other people say.
The stories I've heard since make my stomach churn. I've had to ask him to stop telling his horror drinking stories in front of me. He thinks they're funny. I think they're horrendous for a man of 51 years of age.
Wow - I seem to have a lot to say........sorry these are lengthy.
And, thank you all for your supportive words. I really appreciate them
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Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: rural west
Posts: 1,375
As Anvil just said to me, "You had a hole in you before you met your AH. You had a hole with him, and you have a hole now. It will stay empty till you fill it with yourself."
So, releasing yourself from the alcoholic leaves you with an emptiness, for sure.
If we don't fear that emptiness, but sit with it...and perhaps ask what it would like to be filled with...(hiking? massages? guitar lessons?) we may begin to heal ourselves.
To take that leap, you need to trust your Higher Power - the Universe, your support group, your God - whatever - that you CAN heal and be better off in the long run. You gotta have faith!
p
So, releasing yourself from the alcoholic leaves you with an emptiness, for sure.
If we don't fear that emptiness, but sit with it...and perhaps ask what it would like to be filled with...(hiking? massages? guitar lessons?) we may begin to heal ourselves.
To take that leap, you need to trust your Higher Power - the Universe, your support group, your God - whatever - that you CAN heal and be better off in the long run. You gotta have faith!
p
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Join Date: May 2011
Location: Memphis, TN
Posts: 2,884
worndown, fill your free time with books, movies, a class, al-anon meetings, time on SR, jiu-jitsu (Yeap, I'm 57 and I do jiu jitsu 3 times a week), go to the gym, adopt a cat or dog, make new friends, meditate, go for a bike ride and so on.
When I was living with my wife we spent most of our time watching TV. Now that I'm on my own I hardly ever watch TV.
Take time to find yourself.
Your friend,
When I was living with my wife we spent most of our time watching TV. Now that I'm on my own I hardly ever watch TV.
Take time to find yourself.
Your friend,
Today is a New Day
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 1,766
You are in the right place.
You're not alone.
With my XABF (ex-alcoholic boyfriend), he was always telling me how he drank too much, how he knew he couldn't drink, how he needed to cut down first so that he could stop entirely, how he was aware of the problem, how he was aware of the health problems the alcohol was causing...
In spite of all of this, the drinking didn't get better, it got gradually worse.
Sure, I could frequently say, "He's not drinking as badly as he did three days ago!" But that "three days ago" drinking was going from a half pint of whiskey, to a pint, to two pints, to who knows how many pints. The local liquor store started stocking up on half pint bottles of cheap whiskey, because he bought enough of them to make it worth their while. (He thought if he only bought the half-pint bottles then he'd drink less - that didn't work either).
And he'd talk real sincerely about wanting to stop drinking.
And then he'd drink, and he'd blame it on me. I didn't remind him not to drink, I didn't remind him of how sick it made him feel the next morning, I didn't remind him of how much it hurt me, I didn't hide his bottle from him, I wasn't forceful enough, I wasn't strong enough.
He was always telling me that I didn't know how much influence I had over him, and that if I only used that influence to get him to stop drinking he wouldn't drink.
Somehow it was always my fault.
And I completely relate to the looking forward to when he passed out. Mine would pass out on the floor, randomly waking up to shout insults at me (ranging from filthy to detailed complaints to simply "This is your fault!" or "You're making an ******* out of me!") Then he'd collapse unconscious again and I'd go do my thing until the next time he woke up, hoping he'd be in a more apologetic mood that time around.
No space of my own, he always had to be with me, had to drive me to work, had to drag me with him to the hardware store and the liquor store and anywhere else he wanted to go, and had to follow me everywhere I wanted to go. No space, no peace, no freedom, no life.
I wanted out, but I felt like I didn't have a right to remove myself from the situation, he needed me too much, I didn't deserve better, and besides, if something bad happened to him it would be all my fault.
But that wasn't true.
If I was responsible for the consequences of his decisions, then I could have made him stop drinking, because I'd be the one responsible for his decisions.
He is the one responsible for his decisions, and he decides to drink, whenever and wherever he chooses.
That's when I found my room to breathe.
That's when I left.
That's when I realized that emotionally, I had been gone for a long time before then. I didn't even know who I was anymore, I had been gone from my own life, too.
Alcoholism is progressive, and if he's not committed to stop, it will only get worse.
You have every right to make your own decisions, rather than the ones you think he'd want you to make. You are allowed to live, too.
You might also gain some insight in this thread.
Some of the things you have posted remind me of some of the darker parts of my relationship with him. I might be reading into it a little more, given my background, but you also might benefit from this thread.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-chapters.html
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