marie1960

I think those A-HA moments only happen on Oprah, in my world I have more of the WTF moments.

ErinGoBragh

As Freedom pointed out $1,000 PER MONTH on drinking - and that's what you consider an improvement - yikes! As we say in Al-Anon, "nothing changes if nothing changes." You are pinning your hopes and dreams on him. People don't like other people trying to control or manipulate them. You know this from experience with him. When he plays the control and manipulation game with you, you don't appreciate it one bit. Why should he when the tables are turned? You can't help someone see the error of their ways. A's are in the land of denial, big-time, even if they admit they have a drinking problem. My exAH frequently said, "I have a drinking problem." Uh-huh, okay, so what? NOTHING CHANGES IF NOTHING CHANGES.

You are trying to manipulate the situation in order to get your desired goal: get him to stop drinking, make him face the truth of the situation, and then all will be fine, and you will live happily-ever-after. Sadly, it doesn't work that way in life. I'm sorry it doesn't, because I hoped and prayed for that ah-ha moment to hit my ex for too many years. It never came.

Just another gentle suggestion: get to Al-Anon. In order not to get back into the typical arguments or go-nowhere discussions, you need the necessary tools to detach with love. It IS possible, but it takes work on your part. I got quite factual with unpaid bills, credit card statements, photographs of my ex when he was totally trashed, and the police report of his latest DUI. He would just explode and act as if I hadn't said a word. Then he'd turn on me and bring up everything and anything he could about my own character defects. I was blamed for everything short of Original Sin. And I walked away more frustrated, angry, and anxious than before I started. YOU CAN'T MAKE SENSE OUT OF NONSENSE. Sad, but true.

I'm sure your H is a great guy when sober, but he's not always sober. And when he's not sober, he's driving you crazy by following you around and disrespecting your space. That is abusive and cruel.

Please, for your own peace of mind, give Al-Anon and/or counseling a try. You don't have to separate or divorce right now. Get involved in recovery for yourself. People do care about you, and those of us who have walked in your shoes can give you the support and understanding you need (I hope!).

worndown

Thank you all very much for your kind suggestions.

The reason I don't want ME in the room (so to speak) when I confront him is because I'm reacting the same way & expecting different results. We all know that doesn't work.
I don't think he's a hopeless cause yet & because we did separate for a long time I'm not ready to do that again yet either.

I'm going to do a little research online today - see what I come up with.
Thank you all again.

dollydo

Hope springs eternal, however, common sense must prevail.

Spending $1,000 per month on alcohol should be a big red flag to you. If you choose to ignore the obvious that is totally up to you.

I hope that this all works out for you.

Thumper

No one is hopeless.

The thing about hope is it doesn't take you to that wedding, it doesn't cover the overdraws, it doesn't talk to you all those hours he's passed out. Your hope doesn't keep him sober. Hope and addiction do nothing but feed each other.

My hope fed my xah's addiction because I ignored the actions that surround alcoholism and became queen enabler trying to keep our life humming along without feeling the discomfort of the progressive alcoholism. All his actions were protecting his addiction. All my actions were protecting my 'hope'. Hope was a thing that lived inside my head. It had nothing at all to do with reality. It actually helped me deny reality because when I looked at the vision hope clung to, I turned my back to the addiction driven actions in my real world. I ignored them, worked around them, excused them, avoided them, and all that while I tried to trick myself into thinking I was OK with it. I just needed to try harder, do something more or different, accept it. I became overwhelmed with anger frustration and resentment. I was just as dysfunctional as he was.

It nearly destroyed me. I had hit my rock bottom. You asked up thread how we new we were at the end point. I was....nothing. I had three feelings. Exhaustion, resentment/anger, and hopelessness. Not hopeless for him, but hopeless for myself. There was a moment when that hit me. I knew I had to do something different. I had to. I was very lucky that I was able.

We all get to that moment in our own time. I found al-anon and SR shortly after that. I do sincerely wish I would have found them earlier. A bit of recovery would have made that time slightly less horrendous I think. No matter what you decide to do, it will be OK as long as that decision comes from a place of recovery, self awareness, honesty, lack of fear, self empowerment.

Keep reading. You'll find your own path and make the decisions that are best for you.

marie1960

Well said Thumper!!!

jamaicamecrazy

Go to Al Anon.
If you decide to stay it will give you tools to detach from his drinking, ease the anxiety and obsessive thinking about his problem
If you decide to leave it will help you keep focusing on your self and the new experiences that you will be free to have.
Either way it ease the feeling of wanting to control or cure his drinking. You can't. Even if he admits he drinks too much or spends too much money on it. He has to want to quit and some people never get to that point.
BTW- we had a wedding too. Then it was supposed to be our time. We were supposed to travel, maybe buy a camp by the lake. He wasn't drinking more frequently or more quantity and things looked not so bad...until he started having more trouble being sober. He became angry and verbally abusive and started lying and blamed me for every unhappiness and pulled out every occasion when I had done him wrong. When I could not take anymore I knew it was time to leave. I was lonely. I still get incredibly lonely sometimes. I miss my husband. I miss having someone to come home to or talk to in bed on Sunday mornings but I found that my life filled up quite quickly. I go out with friends, made new friends, tried new things and learned to enjoy my own company. It certainly beats being the scapegoat for someone else's misery.

zrx1200R

Make this choice to marry him with your eyes wide open, and your brain fully informed.

I've been married to one for 22 years. I don't wish it on anyone. And I don't recommend it.

They are like a parasite, and while they don't actually kill their host (YOU, in this case), they do make the host's life miserable. They lie, the spend all your savings on alcohol, they are unreasonable. They are not good partners, although they seem to be make us very happy in the bedroom. They cut us off from our friends and family. And soon the host finds themselves alone, and choosing to stay. As if this is the better of two evils. I think not.

He will almost certainly get much, much worse. And he will most likely never get any better than he is now.

Go back and read what you typed above, and ask what you would tell a friend who wrote that. If you didn't tell your friend to run away, I'd be shocked.

Good luck, and choose wisely.

pixilation

You forgot a common side effect for alcoholic men, ED. So eventually, the bedroom stuff will disappear too.

worndown, AH didn't drink when I married him, he started in a few years later. there is a night and day difference between the man I married, and the man he is today. I don't love, nor do I barely even LIKE the man he is today. He thinks the world revolves around him, and anyone who thinks different be d****d! Heaven forbid I ask for small things, like the mess from his dogs to be cleaned up promptly(I nearly always come home from work to find something on the floor, and his face staring at his video games) or for the clean dishes to be put away(that's right, I don't ask for him to wash them or anything, just put away, a 5 minute chore). Heck, I can't even get him to fold and put away his own clothes, don't even think about washing them, OMG why should he have to foul himself with such lowly work. But if I, if I EVER leave him without clean dishes, clean socks or underwear, etc, there will be hell to pay.

worndown

I think there has been a bit of a misunderstanding.
My husband & I have been married almost 31 years. He didn't have his first drink until he was 30 (on his 30th birthday) I know that's hard to believe but it's very true.

Anyway, the wedding is for our daughter. I'm scrimping & saving for her wedding.

I so appreciate all the advice & without sounding like I'm protecting him....
He's a wonderful man. I believe that he has it in him to fix this. It's been a long road & I guess I feel like it's beginning to get better.
I'm not excusing the fact that he's spent $1000 in a bar (not necessarily all on alcohol - most of those are lunches too) I will not let this go. I will confront him. Probably this weekend. I just didn't want to go into the discussion totally I wanted to confront him factually, matter of factly & with hard evidence. Explain to him what my life goals are & see if he's on board.
I realize he has to want this too & I can't make him WANT to fix things - I am still at the point where I'm not giving up on him or us (I already did that & it didn't get me anywhere) It's like doing the same behavior & expecting different results. I've learned my lesson on that & it obviously does not work.

Anyway, rambling again....sorry! Thanks again to all of you. I am really learning a lot by reading your advice & your stories.

Thumper

I get that. I've had that conversation too (more then once). It really helped me to start watching what he did, his actions, rather then what he said.

My xah had the right words. WE shared goals and values and all that. His actions never ever matched his words though. That is what made it so hard for me.

So just watch his actions.

worndown

He hasn't been like this for his whole adult life.

It just seems to me, reading here, that they are ALL hopeless cases.
I'm still hoping that's not the case here.

LexieCat

Nobody is hopeless IF they have the desire to change, and are willing to do the hard work to make it happen. Generally that state of affairs doesn't come about until some pretty nasty stuff happens. It sounds like your husband is coasting along right now, maybe a little worried about himself and his drinking and how much he's spending (one would hope, anyway), but not about to quit drinking.

Just try not to be utterly shocked if you don't get the reaction to your planned "confrontation" that you are hoping for.

returntonormal

I just came across your thread and wanted to respond to his claims about wanting to quit. When I was still drinking, I often said "oh, I know I drink too much and I need to cut back." I said this because I KNEW I drank too much, but I had NO intention of taking steps to actually quit.

As for his "friends", I quit drinking while my husband continued to get wasted every night. It was hard, but if we want sobriety, we can always find the help we need to do it. I was not "strong" I was desperate.

I begged my husband to cut down. I told him I would leave. He did...for a while. Over time it became just as painful for me to live with as the excessive drinking. I don't want to live with someone who is drinking. To compromise on that means I am unhappy.

I wish you well.