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Old 06-21-2011, 06:21 AM
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Update of sorts

I accepted a job out of state. AH is staying at the house bc of finances and the fact that I'd prefer that then have him run through any savings we do have paying for hotel rooms which was his m.o.

I feel relief at knowing I have a job and feel anxiety about the battle I will have to have with AH about taking the girls with me.

My best friend was physically assaulted by her H this weekend while my H and I and our kids were at her house (her kids and mine are the same ages). I had no idea her H had a temper and it just goes to show that people put on quite a facade and can fool people a lot. Evidently it isn't the first time it has happened.

My H's response later when we were home was to tell me that I ought to never complain again about his "abuse" (said with a smirk) since words aren't harmful and I should be glad I have a H who doesn't physically attack me.

He also informed me that I had no way of knowing whether my friend was being honest since I didn't see what she alleged happened.

Insanity.

I listened to this briefly, asked if he was done and said I was not interested in having a conversation and went outside to sit on the patio alone. AH came out, with a drink and turned on the music from the stereo out there. I told him I'd come out there to be quiet and asked that he turn the music off. He said no so I got up and left and went to bed.

No emotional reaction to his nonsense. No taking the bait. It's not ideal to be under the same roof but I am in control of how I choose to react or not react to him and have found myself much better able to not get sucked into his nonsense than before.

Father's day I had the girls give him some things they'd gotten with me for him and he made a point of making snarky remarks to me about how miserable I was making the day. I told him I wasn't intending to do that and didn't want him to be miserable and said I'd stay away which I did for the rest of the day. At night he approached me to tell me that I'd ignored him all day and was passive aggressive. I just looked at him and said quietly; I gave you the space you asked for. Happy Father's Day, goodnight.

So, I guess for being under the same roof things are relatively okay. It's not going to be this way for long and knowing that makes it possible to do it. I will be moving by mid Aug and am actively apt searching in my soon to be new hometown.
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Old 06-21-2011, 06:58 AM
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I sincerely hope that you know what you are doing. He has been physically violent with you in the past and you are now living with him again?

What are your bounderies? Is he aware of them?

Have you spoken to your attorney about taking the children with you?

I just have questions, no answers, again it is your children who must be the priorty, your daughter is already having issues as evidenced by her school drawings and now the drunken bully is back in the house with her 24/7. Not my business, but it concerns me.

I hope this all works out for you.
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Old 06-21-2011, 07:25 AM
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WTBH, congrats on the job. ((((hugs))))

I have to say I agree with Dolly. I am concerned for you and yours with him in the house. Pretty much the same question and the same advice, make sure you put your children first in this process and take care of yourself.

Your friend,
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Old 06-21-2011, 08:11 AM
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I know that you are all concerned and I do appreciate it. I also know that I read many posts on here about people living in what seem to me to be equally bad if not worse situations and the reality is that this is economically what is happening and what our living situation is right now. It is what it is. I can not make another home appear, money appear and I don't feel things are dire to a point that I need to go to a shelter with my kids. AH is coming back after they are in bed most nights and sleeping on the couch. I do not have conversations with him about anything other than what to feed the girls (on the weekend when he was around) when they are awake and I am not reacting to his quacking nonsense. Frankly, his being around is giving me the opportunity to practice and see that I am quite capable of not getting involved in the inflammatory things he says...

I could come here and lie and say he's not at home but I would rather be able to be honest and not be judged (not saying anyone is).

I am aware he was violent in the past- once- closing my arm in a door. And I have made clear that at any sign of violence or even being drunk and obnoxious I will call the police.

It is temporary and I feel equipped to stay un-involved in the drama he wants to create.

Things aren't black and white in my life. I would love to not have him at home but given the option of spending an additional $1000+ a month on a hotel (which we did earlier this spring bc he isn't willing to be homeless and uncomfortable) I am okay with him sleeping at home until I move. And the more idiotic things he does that I observe just give me additional info to put in my petition to be able to take the girls with me to MA.

There are a lot of people I've read about on here who bc of the housing market and finances are having to live for the time being with their estranged or soon to be ex A. It's not ideal but it's reality.

I'm not expecting (nor do I want) anything to change with him. I am looking fwd to returning to a job I loved where I still have friends and having an end in sight makes whatever I need to deal with for a few more weeks that much easier.

I am concerned about my daughters and I can't control my AH but I can control me and I hadn't been doing a good job of that at all and I had a lot to do with the distress they've lived with. That's what I am working on- me. AH sleeping on the couch and coming home only after the girls are in bed most nights is not really a big deal to me for the next few weeks.
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Old 06-21-2011, 10:14 AM
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That is great you found a job!!! You seem much calmer and focused now. I agree when you say "insane"... his response was crazy. Good for you for not biting the the bait. I also hear you on the living situation. You got to do what you got to do and so long as he stays in control of his temper I and can see why you are making that choice. August is just around the corner. Getting away from him will be good for both you and your girls.
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Old 06-21-2011, 10:19 AM
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it must feel strange to still do social visiting together with the kids...and could his brother who was sending you the explicit text messages show up with him??? be careful that no one sets you up during this phase.
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Old 06-21-2011, 10:57 AM
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Good job, wanttobehealthy.
That takes some strength to do what you're doing and I know it's harder than hell.
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Old 06-21-2011, 11:22 AM
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Originally Posted by Shellcrusher View Post
Good job, wanttobehealthy.
That takes some strength to do what you're doing and I know it's harder than hell.
Ditto. There are no easy and painless choices here. Sounds like you are doing the best you can with what you've got to work with, and being successful at that!

Congrats on the job. Good luck with the move and all that entails. You will be ok in the end. (I keep telling myself this, everyday).

Take good care!
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Old 06-21-2011, 11:40 AM
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WTBH, no criticism was implied. (((hugs))) Just concern for you and your girls.

Your Friend,
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Old 06-21-2011, 04:41 PM
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Mike- I know no criticism was implied--- I know you're concerned with good reason... I lost my sh*t a few weeks ago in a major way (within myself mostly) and got some clarity once I came out of my breakdown of sorts so I feel like I can manage this arrangement -- and in part it's bc I know it's temporary.
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Old 06-21-2011, 05:02 PM
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Yay! For your new job!! Keep taking good care of yourself and your girls
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Old 06-21-2011, 05:15 PM
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Sounds like you're in a good head space right now.

Ditto on keep taking good care of yourself and the kiddos!
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Old 06-21-2011, 05:25 PM
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I am in the same situation as you living with my STBXAH and it is also because of financial reasons. I am waiting for my house to sell and he jsut went off on me because i am showing the house after he leaves for work. I too feel I can get through because it is temporary but can not wait to move on now. He is now accusing me of having an affair with the realtor.
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Old 06-21-2011, 05:51 PM
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my good friend from work wasin a tough situation when divorcing her husband....she and i decided to spend a sunday together...he followed us to the movies....sat behind us in the back, when she arrived back home, he accused her of leaving him for ME...
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Old 06-21-2011, 06:03 PM
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Sounds like you have everything under control. Congrats on your new job!
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Old 06-21-2011, 06:17 PM
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Oh Good Lord, Fandy!!! What is it with the imaginary affairs with these people??? Sheesh.

WTBH...CONGRATULATIONS!!!! Is this the teaching job at your old school that you really liked??? The fact that your new job is out of state is, IMO, yr HP making sure you really get out of this situation. You're doing great...just stay very aware...I'd hate to see him escalate and catch you off guard. They do tend to escalate once it sinks in that they are really being kicked to the curb. You are officially in countdown!!! August will be here before you know it.

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Old 06-22-2011, 03:54 AM
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well you know, if you are a 45 year old woman with 3 kids and fed up with your drunk husband and decided to divorce him....and you dare to spend a Sunday PM at the movies and grab a dinner with a female friend.....you are of course having a sudden mid-life lesbian affair...doesn't matter if you are straight, the *answer* to why you want a divorce is "right there, proof".

he was wearing a knit hat to "diguise himself".....honest to God, this is a TRUE STORY....
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Old 06-22-2011, 04:48 AM
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Makes perfect sense Fandy! NOT! I've been on the receiving end of the affair accusations too. I have a good friend at work who happens to be a male. Obviously that means I am having an affair. Very logical. This Fall, when the accusations were thrown at me I defended myself. The next time it happened I just laughed and walked away. Progress... Ultimately I know it's himself (AH) that he feels horrid with and he knows he's been a horrid husband and has decided that his fears outweigh reality or facts. His issue, not mine anymore. I'm waiting for the lesbian accusations to start since I spend a lot of time with my bf and AH and her H have become good buddies who spend their time venting about us (and they both tell us this like they're proud of it!). Odd odd odd....
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