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-   -   Supervised visitation (https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/friends-family-alcoholics/229821-supervised-visitation.html)

Leaping 06-20-2011 04:29 PM

Supervised visitation
 
The time has come for me to spell out the divorce settlement and put down what I want. I need your collective wisdom regarding the supervised visitation -

How long? I was thinking one year -

with stipulations such as - random urine testing, documented treatment with a counselor and a sponsor/AA involvement. Too much? Too little?

who does the supervising? How does that work? His family? - not my favorite option since they are blaming me for his addiction and have been very cruel during this whole process. Any advice here?

He is currently not even living in the same state as me so this is all "just in case" anyway but it needs to be spelled out so that he cant wiggle through any gap.

Maybe giving legal advice on here is frowned upon, I do have a lawyer so I am just looking for other peoples experiences with this - what worked/what didnt -

barb dwyer 06-20-2011 04:36 PM

The attorney is your best place to start.

Depending on past DUI or alcohol records with the court -
they can determine whether supervised visitation is appropriate
and/or drug testing is necessary.

LexieCat 06-20-2011 05:02 PM

I wouldn't stipulate to the AA thing, myself. It's really his business how he goes about getting sober (if he wants to). Some people get sober without AA--that just seems like micromanaging.

Supervised visitation is supposed to ensure that the kids are safe with him. Even though you might not love his family, they will have contact with his family one way or another. Whether you trust them to actually supervise him is the key.

I agree, talking to your lawyer is the best idea. Also, if you simply express your concerns with the court, the court will have a pretty good sense of how to set up a system that will work.

theuncertainty 06-21-2011 02:43 AM

Great info so far. Let's see. what do I wish I'd known going in....

One thing my lawyer told me, and which ended up as true in our case, was that the court is not likely to require testing if the visits are supervised. Because some one will be there to watch over your child(ren) even if the other parent is drunk.

Still, if you don't ask for it, you definitely won't get it.

One thing I wasn't told early enough (there's a reason I switched lawyers) was that the court is not likely to be more restrictive on long-term visitation orders than interim orders without SIGNIFICANT reason and proof. i.e. if there is a reason why you think a member of his family would not be appropriate as a visitation supervisor long-term, do not agree to let that person supervise in any interim period. (Since you agreed once already, they're OK to supervise long-term.)

I also did not know that bargaining a request for a restraining order 'down' to a mutual no contact order, is a common tactic when a RO is requested any time near a divorce, because, then the judge is more likely to see it as simply a contested custody/divorce case and not a divorce case with DV against one partner. From this side of the court hearing, IMO, if you have reason to seek a RO, if your STBX's lawyer suggests a mutual no contact order instead, and your lawyer only tells you something like 'It does about the same thing. You just wouldn't have to do the exchanges at the police station.' you may want to get a different lawyer.

The judge in my case told XAH point blank that the problem he has with XAH saying he's going to AA was that there's no way to prove he's actually attending....

I hope any of this helps....

fineday69 06-21-2011 08:07 AM

In my divorce case the judge knew about my husband's addiction due to past
orders of protection. My attorney recommended visitation would have to be mutually agreed upon. That way, if he was drinking, all I would have to say was no.

Leaping 06-21-2011 10:36 AM

Thank you all! I am asking for supervised visitation because of his attempt at suicide in our home (sleeping pills and alcohol) timed when I was coming back from picking up the kids from school. He left pills all over the bathroom floor where my 8 yearold found them. He has also left the house with things cooking on top of the stove while he went to go on an alcohol run. Add in the drunk driving and it is a huge problem where kids are concerned.
There are no DUIs, but he has been in treatment twice and he has lost two jobs plus the attempt.
Since he lives with his parents out of state there is no RO.

Shellcrusher 06-21-2011 10:44 AM

Per my attorney, I should request an ETG versus urine testing. I would also submit myself to the same test on a random ongoing basis. This let's the courts know you're very serious about keeping a sober environment for the children. It also establishes history in case the parental share needs to be revisited/revised.

Leaping 06-21-2011 11:00 AM

Shellcrusher - sorry but what is an ETG? New to all this

thanks for taking time out of your day to respond to my question -

Shellcrusher 06-21-2011 11:08 AM

Yes, pardon me. It's just a more precise way of detecting alcohol byproducts. It is a urine test but much more sensitive. It covers roughly an 80 hour period of time and is used for binge drinkers.
Side note: It can detect mouthwash and things of that nature so many courts/lawyers try and fight it.

The main idea is you'll get a bigger window of time to detect alcohol in the system.

I would discuss it with your lawyer.


Originally Posted by Leaping (Post 3007773)
thanks for taking time out of your day to respond to my question -

You're welcome. Coming here and sharing and learning adds time back to my day. :)


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