married in recovery????
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: west jordan utah
Posts: 3
married in recovery????
Hello everyone,
I have been married going on seven years. My husband is now five and a half months sober. I guess what im looking for is ANY insight from a married persons view. I have done tons of reseach and have found lots of info about dating, or not dating while in the early stages of recovery. But what about us married couples??? For the most part my husband beeing sober has greatly improved life(we are also in family therapy as well as my going by myself). Our sex life is still a struggle and his willingness to have help on this new path goes through serious ups and downs but all and all things are pretty good. I just want to know if there are couple out there who understand what we are dealing with and what advice they would give. Both as the spouse and the recovering person. Thank you so much for your in put.
I have been married going on seven years. My husband is now five and a half months sober. I guess what im looking for is ANY insight from a married persons view. I have done tons of reseach and have found lots of info about dating, or not dating while in the early stages of recovery. But what about us married couples??? For the most part my husband beeing sober has greatly improved life(we are also in family therapy as well as my going by myself). Our sex life is still a struggle and his willingness to have help on this new path goes through serious ups and downs but all and all things are pretty good. I just want to know if there are couple out there who understand what we are dealing with and what advice they would give. Both as the spouse and the recovering person. Thank you so much for your in put.
Programmaddict
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: God's Hands
Posts: 217
Hi, faith2011!
My wife and I are both new to recovery. You can read this thread to get an idea of where I am coming from very recently.
I am loath to give advice but I am more than happy to discuss what works, or in this case so far, what does not work for me. I can tell you what used to be a very active sex life is not working so well. There are some deep seated trust and resent issues that are going to have to be worked through. The good news is we are both working on recovery so every day progress is evident. Just this past weekend we finally found the start of a new and sober social circle.
The key to our progress has been keeping the focus on ourselves and off of the other person. In our marriage it has been extremely difficult to define where the one starts and and the other ends. We are slowly making appropriate changes and reviewing their progress. I should note we do not have the additional complication of children. We have established a weekly goal review. We began by individually working on a list of four categories comprised of short and long term individual and joint goals. In our review meeting we categorized these items as old business for future review, budget items or calendared items.
Communication is the most damaged aspect of our relationship and it is the one thing most crucial to success. That and commitment to seeing it work by working on ourselves.
Good luck and know that you have support here.
My wife and I are both new to recovery. You can read this thread to get an idea of where I am coming from very recently.
I am loath to give advice but I am more than happy to discuss what works, or in this case so far, what does not work for me. I can tell you what used to be a very active sex life is not working so well. There are some deep seated trust and resent issues that are going to have to be worked through. The good news is we are both working on recovery so every day progress is evident. Just this past weekend we finally found the start of a new and sober social circle.
The key to our progress has been keeping the focus on ourselves and off of the other person. In our marriage it has been extremely difficult to define where the one starts and and the other ends. We are slowly making appropriate changes and reviewing their progress. I should note we do not have the additional complication of children. We have established a weekly goal review. We began by individually working on a list of four categories comprised of short and long term individual and joint goals. In our review meeting we categorized these items as old business for future review, budget items or calendared items.
Communication is the most damaged aspect of our relationship and it is the one thing most crucial to success. That and commitment to seeing it work by working on ourselves.
Good luck and know that you have support here.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Starting over all over again
Posts: 4,426
Hello Faith, and pleased to "meet" you 
There's lots of couples "in recovery". In fact a lot of recovering people have a spouse, they just don't drag them along to meetings. In some places there are "couples groups" where the subject of the discussion is exactly what you are asking. Having a spouse enter recovery is a strange new world as there are all kinds of adjustments to be done.
A good place to get specific information is meetings of al-anon. They have tons of great books and pamphlets on the subject, you can find them in your phone book.
And please keep asking questions here, that's exactly what Sober Recovery is for.
Mike
There's lots of couples "in recovery". In fact a lot of recovering people have a spouse, they just don't drag them along to meetings. In some places there are "couples groups" where the subject of the discussion is exactly what you are asking. Having a spouse enter recovery is a strange new world as there are all kinds of adjustments to be done.
A good place to get specific information is meetings of al-anon. They have tons of great books and pamphlets on the subject, you can find them in your phone book.
And please keep asking questions here, that's exactly what Sober Recovery is for.
Mike
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: INDIANA
Posts: 39
I am working on my recovery and have a long wayto go. My husband is going through the motions to to be working on his recovery, but he is not exactaly WORKING in my opinion. So I am not the best person to be giving advice because my family is strugling.
A book I can recomend, that has helped me is Al-anon's "The Delima of the Alcholic Marriage" and I also found some help in the AA Big Book.
Good Luck to you,
Amanda
A book I can recomend, that has helped me is Al-anon's "The Delima of the Alcholic Marriage" and I also found some help in the AA Big Book.
Good Luck to you,
Amanda
Member
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: CA
Posts: 428
Welcome Faith!
I am married (have been for 21 years now) and my husband is about 6 weeks sober and working on his recovery. He has been at this place a few other times in the 8 years since he admitted he was an A. Only this time I too am in recovery via alanon. This time I get how unpredictable alcoholism is. This time I know how easy it is for him to manipulate me. This time he found recovery because I let him feel the consequences to his actions. That happened when I pulled away from him emotionally and physically. I wish I could give you some advise here but I too am a bit lost on what will happen next in our relationship. My lack of trust in him is a huge factor in my ability to rebuild our relationship. At this point his recovery is so new it doesn't seem to be the right time to start rebuilding the relationship. He is focusing on him and I am focusing on me. How and when we cross the bridge to find each other again I don't know. One day at a time, one step at a time and giving it up to our HP for a Good Orderly Direction (GOD, heard that one yesterday and liked it).
I am married (have been for 21 years now) and my husband is about 6 weeks sober and working on his recovery. He has been at this place a few other times in the 8 years since he admitted he was an A. Only this time I too am in recovery via alanon. This time I get how unpredictable alcoholism is. This time I know how easy it is for him to manipulate me. This time he found recovery because I let him feel the consequences to his actions. That happened when I pulled away from him emotionally and physically. I wish I could give you some advise here but I too am a bit lost on what will happen next in our relationship. My lack of trust in him is a huge factor in my ability to rebuild our relationship. At this point his recovery is so new it doesn't seem to be the right time to start rebuilding the relationship. He is focusing on him and I am focusing on me. How and when we cross the bridge to find each other again I don't know. One day at a time, one step at a time and giving it up to our HP for a Good Orderly Direction (GOD, heard that one yesterday and liked it).
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