raveneyes0824

My husband relapsed after being clean for three months and now its clean up time.He comes home doesnt want to talk about anything and acts as if nothing happed but when I leave its a different story .He says he is so sorry and says all the right things and promises this great future but after nine years of relapse after relapse and lie after lie How do you just start over? He got up this morning and starting reading his one day at a time book and i sit there and wonder if this is it .Does he finally get this or is it just his way of manipulating me again?I guess what I really want to know is how do you start over ? How do you trust again? Is it possible to rebuild a marriage that is filled with so many lies?

eaglette

Raven--

I find that objective observation is often key to deciphering a person's true intentions. If you do this, you will find out quickly whether your husband is committed to sobriety or if it is a farce.

As for you, have you tried Al-Anon or Nar-Anon?

Freedom1990

The term relapse indicates that there was some tried and true recovery before returning to active addiction. It sounds to me like he's just abstaining for periods of time.

The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior. What have the last 9 years shown you in terms of his stability and behavior?

fedup3

I'm so sorry Ravenseyes I understand how you feel. The rollercoaster ride gets old fast. I wish I could answer your question about rebuilding your marriage but my marriage is coming to an end at the end of this month because I can't find any more strength to give it one more try.

Someone once told me you can't love someone you don't trust.

kittykitty

Raven,
No one can answer those questions but you. I'm sorry you are having trouble right now, it must be very hard on you. His addiction has nothing to so with you, you can't control it, cure it, or cause it. You are responsible for your own happiness, and he is responsible for his.

I think the question is, why is it okay with you to stay with a man who has been lying to you over and over for the past nine years? If a girlfriend, or your sister, came to you with the same story, what would you tell her? When they only promise change on a condition of your presence, that is manipulation in it's most basic form. Telling you what you need to hear. Typical A behavior. But you already know that, I can tell you do.

When you are done, you'll know. There's lots of great wisdom on here, look at the other posts, about RAHs, RABFs and RAWs (recovering alcoholic husbands, boyfriends, wives, etc). You can learn from other's experiences, and realizing that others have been where you are is very helpful when we're at such a crossroads.

Also, I highly recommend Al anon, for friends and families of alcoholics. Lots of support there. Keep coming back and reading, we're here for you.

m1k3

I have to agree with the previous posters. After 15 years or relapses and lies I finally left. Her latest binge was the last for me. it was time for me to start leading my own life and let her figure out what to do with hers. Best move i ever made.

Your friend,

eaglette

You have to keep in mind, too, that recovery itself is a very trying process. I spent years of my relationship with my ex wishing he would take the reins of his addiction and get help. I finally left him last year. The man I am with now is in recovery. Going through this experience with him is worthwhile, but definitely a difficult process. I realize now that even if my ex had gone into recovery, there is no way that we would have lasted. Too much damage had been done, and there is no way that he would have been able to focus on our relationship anyway.