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Sheneedshelp 06-19-2011 01:29 PM

I don't know how much more I can handle
I woke this morning at 8 am. My cell phone is on the desk right next to my bed, I check it every morning when I wake up but usually don't have messages. Today was different. I had a new picture message from my daughter Amber that was send at 2:16 Am. I opened it up and Amber send me a picture of her and one of her friends, pants down at their knees, underwear not far behind,beer in one hand and the other hand pointing at her right butt cheek (her friend in a similar pose) pointing at the new tattoo she got of a red lip-stick outline. The text part said "Mommy!!j lok at mt tstoo!!!" She still hasn't come home I'm assuming she's at her friends house from the background of the picture. But I just started crying when I saw the picture. I don't how many more times, I can see and hear about my daughter doing these things when she's drunk. I feel like I see her cheeks flush red more than I do I see them normal. I don't know what I'm going to say to her when she gets home. I just don't know how to handle this anymore. I'm trying to stay strong but it's hard. Someone help me

Fandy 06-19-2011 01:49 PM

She's woken up and we've talked to her about it. We spelled it out as clear as we can. We don't want her drinking, she's not 21 it's illegeal. If we catch her drinking in our house, if we find out she's drunk in our house. She's not gonna be in our house for much longer. My other daughter and son are supposed to tell if me they her drinking or if she appears drunk. My husband agrees with me.

I guess you needa new approach and some more strict *rules*....she's underage and out drinking heavily....this could end in a tragedy of a car accident.....along with a miriad of other problems....if i remember correctly a couple of weeks ago she arrived home in a state of undress and you addressed it as a small thing....nothing seems to have changed, she's still drinking and stripping for a camera.

i can't tell you what to do, but I can tell you it is going to escalate unless you intervine in a manner that will help her in the long's not popular...but i don't see her improving at all...what is going to happen in 6 weeks when she returns to school???

i'm very sorry for your problems, but I do not think you are seeing her real issues. she needs some professional help.

Babyblue 06-19-2011 02:11 PM

Ok this may sound harsh but from one mom to another, young adults need GUIDANCE, they don't need parents to be their friends, or sitting around feeling sad.

It would never occur to me to send my mom a drunken pic of a new tattoo because I knew there would be H3LL to pay for doing so. And my mother is a loving and sweet woman but was very clear about what was acceptable and risky behavior from her daughters.

It seems like your daughter is comfortable enough to keep coming to you when she is like this. That tells me you have tried to be more of a friend than a parent with this issue. Maybe you are afraid of her being unhappy with you?

What would happen if the next time she went out and you knew where she was that you'd call the cops? Tell them that she is an underage drinker. What are you afraid would happen? That she wouldn't like you? So what! It is OK to not be a popular mother. It is ok to not be her friend. If she is mad at your, furious with you, says 'I hate you mom!', that would be nothing compared to having to go to the ICU to visit her.

I hope I am not adding to your pain. There is the piece about alcoholism that is very real but she is a long way from seeing consequences if you are so scared to not have her like you, to be the bad guy. My parents were strict and it got me to do great things in my life because they held me accountable when I messed up. They could care less if I was upset or hated their guts, they had the life experience to know that messing up my life young would have long lasting consequences.

Next time you know she is out there, call the police and tell them that her and her friends are underage and drinking. It is illegal to be an underage drinker. You may be doing the parents of her friends a huge favor as well. BTW, have you spoken with any of her friends parents? Maybe they are equally concerned about their kids?

A while back I suggested contacted the college's mental health clinic and telling them what was going on. There are strict rules about how drinking on campuses and if she lives on campus then they will look into the matter. But YOU have to make that initial call. You have to be the bad guy. And she will love you for it in the long run. Trust me.

suki44883 06-19-2011 02:17 PM

Can't tell you what to do, but this kind of thing just keeps happening and your approach of telling her what you expect of her isn't working. She knows what you expect. That picture was just rubbing your face in the fact that she has no intention of doing anything differently because she knows you won't do anything differently.

If it were my kid, when she came home, she would have 10 minutes to pack her necessities and get out. Until you show her you are serious, nothing is going to change. She might need help, but first, she needs a lesson on how one treats one's parents if they expect to live with them. In addition to her needing help, you and probably your husband too, need help. Find an al-anon meeting and start going.

dollydo 06-19-2011 02:24 PM

Well, I am a loss as to what to say. You have posted B/4 and we have responded, yet, nothing changes.

Who is in charge? Her or you? She is underage, she is an alcoholic. That is the botoom line.

I agree with Babyblue.

I know that you are in pain, however, crying about it isn't going to change a thing. Get an action plan and follow through before it's too late.

Have you and your husband been to Alanon meetings? If not, I make that my priorty.

skippernlilg 06-19-2011 02:34 PM

Where is she getting the money for the transportation, the alcohol, the texting plan, and the tattoo?

Have you gotten a sponsor at Al-anon yet?

Have you considered what your boundaries are?

LexieCat 06-19-2011 04:08 PM

Everyone here is trying to tell you, as kindly but firmly as we can, that if nothing changes, nothing changes. You may not be able to control what she does, 24/7. BUT you don't have to support it, either. You don't have to give her money, a roof over her head, food on the table. You provide those things for a child who is working or going to school, not one who is partying on your dime. She doesn't CARE what you expect of her. Not enough to change her behavior.

Boundaries--get some.

Fandy 06-19-2011 04:38 PM

in short, your daughter is walking all over you and your husband. She has zero respect for any rules and will not do as you have ASKED. Now instead of letting her sleep until 3PM and make her something to eat, you've got to play hardball.

it's called Tough Love....she is working as you stated, but WHO pays the bills? you are paying for the internet service, phone, clothes,food etc....

I would start by asking her friend's parents why the girls were drinking beer at their home? I would start by grounding her for 2 weeks and taking away the car, phone and internet service. I would expect that all of her drunken party-pics. be removed from facebook...and if she did not do that, I would refuse to allow her to attend college the first semester. .....but that is just me....I am the mother of a former wild teenage girl who is now a 30 year old woman with an adult brain....(well sometimes).

as i said, I believe that her behavior is going to continue to be promiscuous and her drinking is going to can still be sitting here in 6 months saying the same thing or you and her father can take action to get her the help she needs, she is not going to "grow out of this"'s a phase, but not a healthy one.

i'm hoping that you can take a step back and look at the facts that are there.

Tuffgirl 06-19-2011 04:59 PM

I got a (sober) tattoo at 19, spent two years wearing socks around my parents until finally, one day I broke down and showed them. By then I was 21.

If my daughter was doing what yours is doing - she would have to find another place to live. Unacceptable behavior is unacceptable. Period.

tjp613 06-19-2011 09:41 PM

Originally Posted by Sheneedshelp (Post 3005565)
I just don't know how to handle this anymore. I'm trying to stay strong but it's hard. Someone help me

I am so sorry you have this situation to deal with. I wouldn't wish it on anyone. I've been through similar things with both my teens, so I know the anguish you are feeling.

It's not a matter of "staying strong" ... it's a matter of taking charge of YOUR life and living it the way YOU choose. You cannot control anything about her and her choices, you can ONLY control the consequences. Get this through your head.

My advice is that you take some drastic action to show her you mean business. As others have suggested, this should include shutting off her cell phone, internet access, etc., and most certainly all driving privileges in any car bearing your name on the title should be immediately suspended. She can earn these things back by staying sober. If she violates the law about under-age drinking after that, then she is completely on her own. After all, as you say, she is an "adult".

I really don't see any other solution, do you?

Have you thought ahead to your response when she is arrested for a DUI or underage drinking? Will you hire an atty and bail her out of jail? The day is coming.

You've been asking for help since the early spring. Every thread has the repeated suggestion to attend Alanon. I would also suggest counseling for you and your husband with an addiction specialist...someone who can support you in defining and defending strong boundaries.

Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. Something drastic has to take place if you hope to have any influence in this situation, otherwise the dynamic will not change one iota.

I wish you all the best.

PS - edited to add that you would probably do well to read Under the Influence

Sheneedshelp 06-20-2011 01:57 AM

Amber came home late this afternoon. I didn't say anything to her. She walked through kitchen, I just looked at her and didn't say anything, I didn't know what to say. So i just let her walk on through.

I've been thinking about it all day and I think I really figured some things out. I realized that the reason I'm afraid to take action on my daughter and lay down real harsh consequences on her is because I'm scared. I've always guided her through everything and the first time she was out on her own she started partying and hasn't look back. I'm just afraid of what would happen if I threw her out and told her to find her own way, she'd have nothing stopping her from getting wasted when ever she wants, she'd have nothing stopping her and could do serious damange to herself (even though I'm aware she already is in a place where she could) I guess I'd thought itd be better if just let her go around being drunk all the time and just trying to make it ok when she got home.

But I started to realize, she's not worried about her drinking. I always knew she wasn't, in her pictures shes always clearly having a damn good time. But I guess I always thought, when she wakes up in the morning hungover she regrets last night and I'm starting to see more and more she never does. I understand that now.

So I'm basically starting over with how I handle her, I'm going to give everything I can to try to throw emotion out the window the next time she drinks. She's gone. I'm not gonna let her come home, no matter how mad I just want to give her a hug and tell her mom will make it ok, I can't let her come back next time. I can't.

Taking5 06-20-2011 03:37 AM

=sheneedshelpI'm not gonna let her come home, no matter how mad I just want to give her a hug and tell her mom will make it ok, I can't let her come back next time. I can't.
What are you waiting for? Why do you want there to be a "next time"? Take action now!

chicory 06-20-2011 04:05 AM

Well, I might be waaaaaaaaayyyyyyy off here, but it almost sounds like she is trying to shock you into reacting , when she tells you these things. most people do their thing (drink, be promiscuous , etc) without telling their parent. it is almost like she is saying, "watch, she wont be able to do anything. she is frozen with fear. i am in CONTROL!

she could get in a wreck, kill someone or herself, get raped, get pregnant, get a disease, etc, etc.
i would insist she get help or get out. take away the things that you provide that enable her to do these self destructive things.
she may be an alcoholic, or she may not. but she is definately living a dangerous life, and seems to be in need of help. kids dont need us to be friends, they need us to provide guidance and the safety that comes from having boundaries. she seems very much like a little child who has had too much power, and her actions scream "help", in my opinion.
act now, dont be afraid of her reactions. how could it get worse?

Hollyanne 06-20-2011 05:17 AM

NO, she needs you to stop helping!
Take her cellphone, do not give her money.
Pack her bags and tell her to leave.
Stop paying for school.
She may leave.
She may continue her carrying on.
But, at least you will not be assisting her to make the mess she is making.

My brother was a troubled teen.
My parents smoothed the way. He crashed cars. 5 I think. We 3 girls would appeal to them to do something. WE knew! Stop giving him cars already!
He would get in trouble with the police and it would all be "handled".
No consequences, ever.
He is 46, can't hold a job. He is a lovely guy but has strange resentments about my parents. He did something wrong, we got the consequences. They went bankrupt due to everyone who was nuts being allowed to do what they wanted. My parents are very dependent on the very people they did not "help".
They are the ones who grew up independent. My brother is always seeking the easy way. He is now getting to the stage where it is late to even start over simply and honestly.
He was too spoilt to go out and work like the rest of us and without the inheritance that he assumed would be his, as the oldest and the boy, he is lost.

You are not being kind and loving. You are parenting from a place of fear.
My parents' biggest fear is suicide, always was. They gave him all the rope so as not to let him hang himself. He has never felt the pinch of the rope. That would have been good 25yrs ago.

It is quite simple but will not be easy.
You are her enablers. Stop enabling.
People have said above, she is pushing your buttons and what does she learn each time? This, "They are afraid of me, they can't say no, I have them eating out of my hand." She is also probably having a right laugh with her friends over her silly scared parents!
She is not to blame, she is a teen. She is supposed to be a pain in the a$$! That is her job. Your job is to put the boot down and show her that as her parents, the loving thing to do is stop supporting the madness.
The lunatics are running the asylum! (No offense to the lunatics, I can be one of them.):horse

TakingCharge999 06-20-2011 05:32 AM

Ok. This is going to be a difficult post. Sorry if its too raw.

Well I was that girl, did not drink but did go out to many unsafe places for raves, parties and many times driving alone in the dark.

Once I recall driving very, very far from home and ending up in a dead end street. There were around 30 guys/men gathered in that street God knows what for and they all stared at me. Anything could have happened. I drove back safely but come to think of it, where were my parents?

I agree with all the posts. Listen to chicory- I was raped in one of those rave parties, drugged and raped. Í wore a mini skirt, for me it was easy to take a couple of pills I was given, next thing I know the guy is on top of me and my girl friend is telling me, from outside the tent "sorry to interrupt you both but we have to leave". And I thought "interrupt what?" I donīt remember much else other than what an idiot I was for driving in that state. I could have killed anyone, or my girlfriend or myself. I arrived home and I noticed my inner thighs and legs were bruised.

My mom looked at me and said nothing.

I slept at home the rest of the afternoon and at 11 PM she woke me up to tell me I had to drive to my apartment as the day after I had to go to work. I was still super sleepy.

And that was it. She did not get angry, nor sad... some weeks later or so she mentioned that I was having "too much fun" ... and I did not trust her enough to tell her "mom it was abuse, I did not have sex with someone voluntarily". I still havenīt told her.

Dad as usual was far far away doing his thing, thinking daughters grow up fine without Dads having to be around.

And you know why I was doing all those stupid things? just someone would pay me some attention... and when I arrived tired and in a really bad shape and all bruised and saw my mom said nothing, didnīt get sad nor angry as if it was normal to have your daughter arrive home at 11 AM in those conditions..... my heart was even more broken (didnīt even thought so much about being abused, couldnīt care less about my body then).

I was just a scared woman trying to get some love from my parents but they were, or at least I felt, they were oblivious and indifferent me being happy or sad or whatever they just didnīt care.

Months later I go to the doc and the pap shows some cell changes... turns out I got HPV... weeks later they give me the results (again I walked and took a cab and went to the gyn all by myself) and it was NOT a cancerous HPV. The doc told me "I got these 2 other folders for young ladies like you, but they have the cancerous type".

I got lucky and didnīt catch anything serious.

Now something even worse. The guy that gave me drugs and abused? I got in touch with him. He went to my karate exam. I saw him a few other times. Why? because no one cared about me.

What a deep void inside me to heal.

Anyway I didnīt make up any of these things. Where are Amberīs parents? Oh I only needed my mom and dad to hug me and told me they cared. Not even behaving in such ways and asking for danger would make them pay attention to me. So it got worse and worse until I got my cancer scare, and I was so stressed for many months (and while on it I started going out with an alcoholic who made me see my luck... he knew I was very afraid of my health, didnīt give a damn either of course)..

Then the story with XABF unfolded and I once again went for small morsels for anything that appeared like love or attention or something other than frozen indifference. And that is why XABFīs indifference was so painful for me, it reminded me of all the others that claimed love and care and ended up not being there for me.

All this so you realize every time she goes out she is in danger and the more you wait the more chances one day its not her but the police telling you about a bad accident and how she didnīt make it, or having her get HIV, or the bad HPV types, or going out with drug addicts and alcoholics, and being insulted and abused emotionally and sexually, and it was just by Godīs help that I didnīt stay enough to start being hit and go marry someone sure to make my life hell.

Its like seeing my story before the really bad things happen. Please talk to her when she is sober and show you care and attention, and not precisely with sweet talk, remove the keys at minimum, DO something please, save both of you much pain and perhaps lifelong consequences.

Fandy 06-20-2011 05:53 AM

I cannot believe after all of your upset, you did not go to this friend's house and drag her drunken azz out of there in the early morning...YOU allowed her to think there was no consequences for her actions again. "shecame home late this afternoon"...this *adult* has zero supervision. You did not talk to the other girls parents? you are allowing her behavior to continue by staying silent and not putting your foot down. You have to be pro-active and unpopular with your this point there is really no room for your own fear.

I hope the next time you post you are not doing it from the ER or the local jail...and YOU as the parent will be held responsible by the police for knowingly allowing underage my town there are billboards posted that state this fact...."parents will pay the price"....maybe the only way to get through to them is hitting them in the pocketbook?

dollydo 06-20-2011 06:28 AM

Next time she drinks you are going to do something? What about right now?

To be honest, I really do not understand your thinking.

Hope this all works out for you.

kittykitty 06-20-2011 08:08 AM

I have to agree with everyone else here. as I have in all the other posts they have put up in the past regarding your situation.

"next time" she could drive drunk and kill someone.

It's like an Alcoholic... "next time I drink I will only have a few". And that next time could always be their last. No one knows.

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