Candiland

Hello all. I am new to this forum and about 3 weeks new to a spouse in AA. Although he went through DT's and such about 6 months ago, he has been truly substance free for about three weeks.

Anyway, we had arranged to go camping/canoeing with some friends a while back and are supposed to leave tomorrow for the next four days. Our friends drink and smoke pot.

I have suggested to my AH that we not go, or he stay home and I go, but he wants to go and says he can handle it. He also insists everyone should have a good time as usual. But a friend of mine thinks I would be selfish to drink and such and that I should stay sober for my AH as to not tempt him.

Am I being selfish for wanting to have a good time with our friends? Would that make me an unsupportive wife? I have so many resentment issues already regarding how our life/relationship has changed. What I went through when he was drinking, and now what I'm going through with him in AA.

Is it selfish of me to want to fun with my friends, while he can't drink?

skippernlilg

Hello! And Welcome!

There are a lot of great resources for you here while you post, read posts, and read the stickies, above.

The most awful thing about alcoholism/addiction is that it affects everyone in the family. Even you. Even me. I had to find a path to recovery, and the early days were the toughest.

What do you do? Only you can answer that for you.

I found that I had to get more information and educate myself about the disease of alcoholism and my role in it before I could make any decisions about a lot of activities. If faced with the question you posted, I had to continue to search out my own answers, and that took time.

If I were in your position, I would not have been able to go on that kind of camping trip. There are many triggers readily available on this trip that neither you nor your RAH are yet equipped to handle. And I'm not talking camping equipment like a tent or a gas stove, either.

Of course, I can only offer my own experience here, so my answer may not be the same as your answer. I only know that from my experience, I had to find out where my balance of supporting him and living my life would be. It took quite some time for me to figure all that out.

I wish you my best,

skipper

dollydo

Hi,

In my experience, dealing with my exabf, being so new to recovery, that camping adventure would turn into a nightmare.

Three weeks sober is just a drop in the bucket.

Are you going to Alanon? Might want to check it out!

Can't tell you what to do, the decision is yours!

Candiland

Thank you Skipper and Dolly. I haven't started going to alanon yet. I know I need to, but I'm still in resentment mode that his issues are affecting my life so greatly. Everything is about him, and alanon would also be about him. I know, I know... it's all the path to recovery for both of us. It's just frustrating. Any issues that I have had or have have gone unnoticed by him, because his issues are bigger/stronger/scarier.

Anyway, getting out of the camping trip isn't an option at this point. And again, he insists we should go. But I'm torn on how active I will be on all the 'fun' to be had.

I don't want to be selfish, but I resent the impact his problems are having on me. I know we are married and it is all for better or for worse, but why does he get all of my better and I get all of his worse?

Seriously, not trying to feel sorry for myself or anything. Just want to have an enjoyable, stress free vacation. And it's stressing me out!!!!

littlefish

It doesn't matter if you or anyone else drinks. You as a wife don't support him by not drinking. You can support by asking him how he is planning to survive this social event. Does he have a plan? Will he cave when he sees everyone drinking and drugging? Or, can he go off somewhere and read some recovery material, listen to recovery tapes....call an AA friend, or go to a meeting if he feels really triggered?
To be honest, I could not have handled a weekend with friends who drink and drug 3 weeks into sobriety. I would have not survived it.

But everyone is different.

Here are my suggestions to him:
-invite an AA friend to come along. It is called the buddy system.
-have an exit plan. If it is all just too much for him, be prepared for him to leave. He should be prepared to leave and have other plans for the weekend.
-what is his relationship with this social group and do they know he is trying to stay sober and clean? If they do not know, is he comfortable telling them? Because if he does tell them you both might be very surprised how much they are willing to support BOTH of you.

(Ermmm. If you guys don't tell them, sometime during the weekend you might find yourself feeling like you are trying to weld wood).

I know it is hard for you. It is not easy to know how to support a person in recovery or how to give them their freedom and some slack. Lord knows, when my husband said for better or for worse, he had no idea how bad worse would get.

dollydo

I do understand, living with an alcoholic (even newly recovering) does not make for a stress free vacation. In fact, most of my vacations with exabf, were a total bust.

Hope yours goes ok.

Actually, Alanon is all about you, not him.

Unfortunately, until you get a better understanding of his disease, it will forever be about him. The nature of addiction is self serving, it is all about them, it is a very selfish disease, and in order to recover they must be just as selfish. It is one crazy deal!

Take care and keep posting.

Candiland

thanks all. i'm really glad i found this forum. and when we return i will find an alanon meeting. i meant that i would be going to alanon as a result of him. i know i need it for myself, it's just kind of a scary thing to have to go to alone.

i have looked into alternative evening activities if things get too restless. there's a small town near where we are staying that has a theatre - two movies - neither we have seen. and if canoeing gets old, we can go horseback riding which i already know our friends don't want to do.

our friends are aware that he is in AA. they've asked questions like, "can he just take a break from it for the trip and then start over when he gets back?" Or, "can he just get high and not drink?" I've explained to them how it's a slippery slope and better to not to tempt him at all. To treat him like the pregnant woman in the group. No one would tempt the pregnant lady, but would still enjoy themselves. I think his biggest fear isn't the temptation it's being debbie downer... and beer.

And worse case scenario, you are right, we can always leave early.

LexieCat

Being around drinking doesn't "make" an alcoholic drink. BUT in early sobriety it's usually wise to avoid those situations.

If it were I, I wouldn't drink or get high around a newly-sober partner. No, you don't have to give up your life. But it seems considerate, at the very least, not to be putting it in his face three weeks in, know what I mean?

You're gonna be camping--it isn't like a party where he can easily just leave if he feels uncomfortable.

Personally, I'd pass on the camping trip, but if I went with a newly-sober partner, I'd for sure pass on the partying.

littlefish

In sickness and in health.....eeeh!
My husband didn't know he married a drunk. At the time, I didn't know either. I didn't know I married an Asberger. I didn't know my MIL is manic depressive. He didn't know my brother is a paranoid schizophrenic who tried to kill my mother. I didn't know his dad liked pills.

But the issues that drive me crazy aren't those...it's how he loads the dishwasher. Relationships...I had a hard time in the beginning knowing how to be a partner. So did my husband. I am an alcoholic, he is Asbie. Good grief, it is like the blind leading the blind. But, maybe, when you consider it all, maybe that is what most marriages are.

Candiland

Littlefish, you make me smile! You have one wildly entertaining genetic pool going on there. And you're right! I gave up on the dishwasher a long time ago. I just ask that he put the dishes in the sink with water in them. I'll load. Yet, he still has a hard time remembering to put water on them.

Carol Star

I don't think it will be a stressfree vacation but good luck........and afterwards try Alanon. That is when it will get better for you.

Candiland

Honestly, I think I'm stressing more over this than he is.

GettingBy

Yeah, that sounds about right. That what happens from living with someone elses alcoholism. The bystanders end up sicker than sick.

My kids think I'm the nutty, crazy, mean one... Not my AH. And I have been worse than him... Because I'm the sober one who actually knows just how bad things can and do get when he drinks.


As for the camping trip, if I was spending this much time trying to figure out what to do, how mshould act, yada-yada... I'd chose not to go. I'd chose to go do something I could actually relax and enjoy. There was a time when I wouldn't have made that choice though... Al-anon helped me get to this point where I finally put myself first!

Candiland

Okay, I guess I really do need to start going to alanon.

I think I need to rephrase the word camping. We are staying in a very nice, very expensive cabin. One that would set us back some if we don't go. Anyway, as I said before, he WANTS to go. So, I would be the spoil sport saying we can't. I feel I have to trust he knows what he's up against, and trust that he can withstand any temptations. Although, I'm sure most of you would agree, trust isn't something I do easily anymore.

I just am unfamiliar with how my role plays in his sobriety. He claims he's fine with me drinking. Part of that is that he knows I don't drink during the day, and I usually only drink wine, but never beer, which is his biggest temptation. I know that those who will smoke weed will sneak off to do so. But I feel it would be unfair for me to do so as well.

We leave in just a few hours. The forecast is not good. So this trip is really going to be a curious one.

StarCat

Ultimately? It should be very little, really, as long as you are respectful. He needs to be the one doing the work if it's going to last.

By respectful, I mean that if he was uncomfortable with something - going on this trip, having any form of liquor in the house, you drinking around him - and mentioned it to you, that you'd listen and do what needed to be done.

It sounds like you're already doing much more than that, that your limits right now seem to be lower than his. If you'd feel more comfortable not drinking around him, then don't - but recognize that since he's said he's okay with it, you can if you want to.

You can have fun with friends if you want to. That's not being selfish, that's looking out for you! The alcoholic's problem is the alcohol; our problem is putting our lives on hold because we feel responsible for the alcoholic's decisions, or fearful of relapse, etc.
So having fun with friends is part of your recovery!

m1k3

Candiland, just to give you a little perspective. I am in recovery as a codependent. I've moved out on my AW and I'm feeling strong and centered right now.

I was invited to the wedding of my son-in-law's sister's wedding. See is an active alcoholic and so are several of the people attending. I spoke with my daughter and let her know that I am not going to attend the wedding or reception. I feel that there would be too many triggers there for me and I do not want to lose the gains I have made.

If you do not feel comfortable about this camping trip then you don't have to go. You're abf either will or won't but that is his choice. All you can do is decide for yourself based on your own reasons. BTW keeping an eye on him is not a valid reason. If you would enjoy going then go, if you wouldn't then don't.

Take what you want and leave the rest.

Cyranoak

IMHO if he is truly dedicated to his recovery he knows this trip is a recipe for disaster. Moreover, you know it is. You know it.

Ultimately, if you are not an alcoholic you can drink, whether he is or not. BUT, it is very early in his recovery and in my opinion going on this trip with him and then drinking and smoking is a very, very bad idea.

The trip is a bad idea and you know it. You want to go on it and have fun. It's OK you want that, selfish or not, because sometimes we need to be selfish to make sure we are taking care of ourselves.

Have fun if you go. Have fun if he goes. When he relapses don't take it personally and don't take the blame. He's 100 percent responsible for the decisions he makes. You are zero percent responsible.

Cyranoak

P.s. I didn't drink around my wife early in her recovery, and even now I rarely do (a beer or two and that's it). It has not been a hardship.

barb dwyer

There's very few towns remaining that don't have meetings.
It's just as easy to find out where the meeting is
as it is to find out what's playing at the movies.

But nobody in this scenario has done that.

That indicates to me a different perspective than mine
regarding a concept of 'recovery' and what it actually is.

This early recovery thing
is where the alcoholic SEPARATES their lives
from that of the drinking life.

Not moves in with it.

I mean, bottom line,
I don't see this 'working' out as a means of staying sober
or even committing to sobriety
right now when still so new into it
he's still just 'not drinking'.

Not drinking and sobriety are two completely different things.

Anyone can 'not drink'.
Sobriety.. is a learned behavior
and an art form when done well.
No one is 'born' with it
it has to be learned.
Ingrained into the personality
if it's going to work.

Doesn't look good...
of course he could be the one in ten million
but do you truly believe that?
Would you be posting here if you really did?

I mean,
the post started out with
should I drink around him or not
and for me
the way MY early sobriety went
it would have made me fail.

If you were in a lifeboat
with a broken leg
and everyone on the boat
was doing morphine
and enjoying it
don't you think you'd want that morphine as well?
Would you be able to think about anything BUT the fact
that everyone else had morphine but YOU are the one with the broken leg?

WHile a colorful analogy
it's a very real one.

There's a lack of perspective here
that I'm trying to bridge.

Alcoholism is not a social disease.
It's a very real life threatening condition
that's for the length of one's life.
Once you've got it
you've always got it. Period.

It's incurable
but it's treatable.
It requires daily treatment, however
and full commitment.

And it doesn't take weekends off.

BarelyHere

I recently went through a similar situation. My rah is 6 mo free of opiates & 2 mo free of alcohol. Alcohol was never really a problem until he stopped using opiates. And then it was a major problem. He is going to AA & seeing an addiction counselor. Things are still rough. It is still early, but he is working.
Several weeks ago we had to go to a major city to his brothers college graduation. It was party city. There was drinking, but I did not drink & supported him. There was a large late night party at a bar with a friends band playing & everybody went. I had a migraine. Really. He stayed with me.
I honestly had a migraine. But I believe I had it because I knew he could not handle that environment. It was the same environment he went to college himself in. All those grads were blowing off steam.
Everything went well. But I can't even imagine what would have happened if he had went to that bar.

Candiland

Starcat, your words really hit home for me. Thank you.

We have returned from our trip and I'm happy to report everything went very well! My RAH stayed committed to his recovery and everyone was very respectful, but still comfortable. It was a good, and surprisingly relaxing trip. We had one long, rainy day where we were cabin bound, and he escaped to our room a few times to read his AA book. The next day we spent all day in a canoe and it was so nice to get away from our usual routine.

There was one funny moment when another gent in the group offered RAH a Coke with Lime, and RAH misunderstood and thought he said, "Coke with Wine." RAH responded with a laugh, "oh, come on, you know I can't do that stuff!"

I'm proud of him, but I have to agree with Starcat, that this is his battle. And part of my battle is learning how to look out for myself instead of focussing so much on him.