Dreams
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 29
Dreams
reflecting ...
Last week my AH was on vacation. He wasn't home for 9 days. He was off sailing alone on his boat (his therapy) and taking a few charters here and there. I do not know how much he drank while he was gone, but I do know that there was such a feeling of PEACE for me and our almost 2yr old daughter. I had to wiggle my work around so I could both pick up and drop off at daycare and although life was sometimes hectic, it was also very peaceful. AH always asks what I would do if I had to "do all of it" at home ... well I found out and it wasn't that much more than what I do normally, nor was it that bad. Yes I had to do all my usual stuff plus take out the trash, put the cans out to the curb, take out the dog each time and all the other chores, but it was suprisingly manageable and easy. I washed our bedding, tossed his pillows in the wash and aired out our room every day to rid it of the smell of swetty man/alcohol. It was heaven going to sleep at night. I didn't realize how aware I was of the smell of alcohol until it was gone from the sheets.
On the third night I had a dream that I left him (he had been caught cheating on me i think). My family, his family and my friends were so supportive of me and my decision. They backed me up and gave me courage and strength. And at the end one of my friends came up to me with this guy (never seen 'in real life'). He told me that he hadn't been able to ask me this before but, would I be interested in having dinner with him sometime. I said yes, that would be very nice.
I woke from that dream feeling so good, peaceful and strong. When AH called that night to chat he said he really missed me and the kiddo. I said I missed him too ... but I really didn't. It took me almost the entire week before I started to miss him - for adult company and yes, sex too. When he got back the following Sunday night he immediately started drinking. At one point he was getting snippy with me about who knows what and I stopped him by saying "woah, you just got home, why are you starting in on me like this?" ... He didn't really have a response other than he was really tired (after a 9 day vacation). I said that was fine but he needed to lighten up on me.
I still think about that dream and the feeling it gave me. Peace. So nice. While our interactions have been better since he's been home I notice how less peaceful it is. How loud and at times, combative. All I want some days is that peace. But first I must have "the conversation" that I dread. He doesn't think he has a problem with alcohol. I can't make him realize that, but I can choose peace - for me and our daughter. The question remains as to whether or not peace can come while living with him. And how can I leave if there is still love there. Loving by letting go? I don't think I could survive finantially anyway, not with daycare expenses too. And I don't yet want to give up. It seems too hard to leave. But that feeling of peace ... now that's adictive.
Last week my AH was on vacation. He wasn't home for 9 days. He was off sailing alone on his boat (his therapy) and taking a few charters here and there. I do not know how much he drank while he was gone, but I do know that there was such a feeling of PEACE for me and our almost 2yr old daughter. I had to wiggle my work around so I could both pick up and drop off at daycare and although life was sometimes hectic, it was also very peaceful. AH always asks what I would do if I had to "do all of it" at home ... well I found out and it wasn't that much more than what I do normally, nor was it that bad. Yes I had to do all my usual stuff plus take out the trash, put the cans out to the curb, take out the dog each time and all the other chores, but it was suprisingly manageable and easy. I washed our bedding, tossed his pillows in the wash and aired out our room every day to rid it of the smell of swetty man/alcohol. It was heaven going to sleep at night. I didn't realize how aware I was of the smell of alcohol until it was gone from the sheets.
On the third night I had a dream that I left him (he had been caught cheating on me i think). My family, his family and my friends were so supportive of me and my decision. They backed me up and gave me courage and strength. And at the end one of my friends came up to me with this guy (never seen 'in real life'). He told me that he hadn't been able to ask me this before but, would I be interested in having dinner with him sometime. I said yes, that would be very nice.
I woke from that dream feeling so good, peaceful and strong. When AH called that night to chat he said he really missed me and the kiddo. I said I missed him too ... but I really didn't. It took me almost the entire week before I started to miss him - for adult company and yes, sex too. When he got back the following Sunday night he immediately started drinking. At one point he was getting snippy with me about who knows what and I stopped him by saying "woah, you just got home, why are you starting in on me like this?" ... He didn't really have a response other than he was really tired (after a 9 day vacation). I said that was fine but he needed to lighten up on me.
I still think about that dream and the feeling it gave me. Peace. So nice. While our interactions have been better since he's been home I notice how less peaceful it is. How loud and at times, combative. All I want some days is that peace. But first I must have "the conversation" that I dread. He doesn't think he has a problem with alcohol. I can't make him realize that, but I can choose peace - for me and our daughter. The question remains as to whether or not peace can come while living with him. And how can I leave if there is still love there. Loving by letting go? I don't think I could survive finantially anyway, not with daycare expenses too. And I don't yet want to give up. It seems too hard to leave. But that feeling of peace ... now that's adictive.
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
Save this for yourself somewhere so you won't forget this feeling. This can propel you into action.
Leaving is always hard. Staying away is hard. I still love my RAH very much. But ultimately, I love me more, and leaving allowed me to keep on loving me more. And I will love me more, regardless of what happens between us. Divorce? Fine. I still love me more.
When the time is right to make a decision, you will know. In the meantime, enjoy the peaceful moments when you have them. They are precious!
~T
Leaving is always hard. Staying away is hard. I still love my RAH very much. But ultimately, I love me more, and leaving allowed me to keep on loving me more. And I will love me more, regardless of what happens between us. Divorce? Fine. I still love me more.
When the time is right to make a decision, you will know. In the meantime, enjoy the peaceful moments when you have them. They are precious!
~T
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: By a River
Posts: 83
LadyM, I can totally relate to your post.
My AH (before he was an AH) used to do Executive Protection for the mayor (and later governor) of a large metropolitan city on the east coast. He had to travel alot with him and I used to really, really miss him when he was gone.
How ironic that now that he's retired from the police dept. and works a regular day-job I look back on those days with longing and wish that he would go someplace...anyplace. We are invited yearly on an all-paid vacation with our son and daughter-in-law, but this year I am staying home...alone...with our dog, and peace and quiet. Can't wait.
I also struggle with this when he goes out drinking with his bud's...on one hand I worry about his well-being and get very angry when I think that he's going to be driving at the end of the evening, but on the other hand I cringe when I hear the key in the door and him coming through that door.
It's very sad. He is so lost. I am so lost. The difference is that I am fighting to find my way "home" and he continues to drift, relinquishing his soul as the alcohol consumes who he was.
My AH (before he was an AH) used to do Executive Protection for the mayor (and later governor) of a large metropolitan city on the east coast. He had to travel alot with him and I used to really, really miss him when he was gone.
How ironic that now that he's retired from the police dept. and works a regular day-job I look back on those days with longing and wish that he would go someplace...anyplace. We are invited yearly on an all-paid vacation with our son and daughter-in-law, but this year I am staying home...alone...with our dog, and peace and quiet. Can't wait.
I also struggle with this when he goes out drinking with his bud's...on one hand I worry about his well-being and get very angry when I think that he's going to be driving at the end of the evening, but on the other hand I cringe when I hear the key in the door and him coming through that door.
It's very sad. He is so lost. I am so lost. The difference is that I am fighting to find my way "home" and he continues to drift, relinquishing his soul as the alcohol consumes who he was.
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