GypsyLeopard

Hello, noobie here. Please forgive me if my query has been covered in the past. I did a search, and found nothing helpful, so here goes...

I have dated 2 RA's in the past. One was a self-described "jealous drunk" I had been dating for just over a month. He broke his sobriety just before reaching his 6 mths, and I immediately stopped seeing him. The second would not accept my concern that dating me was interfering with his very new sober journey. He didn't drink around me, and thus had 4 mths of sobriety when I had to leave town for a week. As soon as I was gone, he climbed into a bottle and blamed me for the slip. I broke things off and moved out of state. We are still friends, and I'm happy to say he just celebrated a year of sobriety.

From my pattern, I hope you can see that I am not an enabler. I expect people to be accountable for their actions, as I hold myself accountable for my own. I want someone in my life that complements me, but does not rely on me, and would hope that I can return the same for him. After taking a year off from serious relationships in order to break my own "too serious, too fast" tendencies, I've re-entered the dating world. I initially did not want to date another RA, but after reading online profiles, making new friends and dating here and there, I realized it wasn't fair of me to eliminate someone from the realm of possibility simply because he is an alcoholic. I would, however, not consider dating one that didn't have one year of sobriety and a clear commitment to it.

Enter my 3rd RA, whom I've been dating for over 5 months now. Prior to dating him, I determined that he had been sober for almost 2 years. He goes to meetings once or more a week, and is quick to help others in his circle, ie counseling, chairing meetings, speaking at Al-Anon mtgs, visiting friends at rehab, taking them to meetings, etc. He is available for his friends, takes care of himself and his home, works a steady job, looks after his mother, and makes time for me once or twice a week.

We are really a great fit. He is kind and generous, funny and supportive, affectionate and energetic. We have similar beliefs, interests and hobbies, grew up in the same suburban area, and have compatible hopes for the future. So why am I scared out of my mind? I think I'm afraid that he will break his sobriety like the previous two did, although neither of them were committed to their program like he is. I also have no idea what he is like when he is drinking. Is that something I should just ask him? Is that something I really even need to know? In that respect, I guess I fear the unknown.

But I am also a realist that knows that even the best laid plans can run off course, and want to have some idea of what I'm in for if it does. At this point, I'm interested in making a long term commitment to him, and would just feel more comfortable if I knew what I might be in for. But does it really matter if he's the selfish and forgetful type, a cheater, a screamer, somber and depressed or violent? I mean, if I'm making a commitment to him, the sober man that he is now and the person he has made a commitment to be, then does it even matter who he becomes when he is under the influence?

I welcome any thoughtful discussion or stories you might like to share. Please be kind to one another.

Gypsy

barb dwyer

Hello and welcome to SR!

I hope you'll take time to read the stickies
at the top of the forum.
There's a wealth of information there,
and links to organizations that can help.

Have you looked into Al-Anon?

I also chose alcoholics.
Married four of them in fact-
essentially, all the men in my life had been
the same personality - different bodies.

I came to a point in my recovery
that I needed to understand
why I consistently got myself into
relationships with this type of person.

It's the greatest thing I've ever done for myself.
Because I learned it wasn't 'them' after all
it was something that I had to do for 'me'.

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...re-others.html

I am also a recovering alcoholic.
There's a saying in AA that I think might fit here,
and that is -

"the definition of insanity is
doing the same thing over and over
expecting a different result"

It holds true for a codependent as well.
All codependents aren't necessarily enablers.
A bit of further reading is in order
to fully understand the type of personality
that chooses intimate relationships
with unreliable people.

It's a lot to take in
take your time
get oriented
and make a few new friends along the way!

I hope you'll find the support here that you're looking for
and the tools you need to find your own answers.
and the resources that can help.

Welcome!

LexieCat

Every relationship is a risk, to some extent. You never know for certain whether a guy you meet maybe has a deep, dark secret (addiction to porn, for example--some guys are good at hiding it), a past history of abuse when the "honeymoon" phase is over, etc.

The fact that you have hooked up with three alcoholics so far might suggest some introspection about how you happen to wind up with the same issue over and over. Like Barb, I am in AA myself, now, and a lot of my social life involves people in the program, so I suppose there is a good chance that when I DO meet someone I want to get involved with (I'm on relationship hiatus for an indefinite period), he may well be someone from AA.

My first husband has been sober 31 years, and a nicer guy you would never want to meet. We divorced for other reasons, unrelated to his alcoholism, and he is a great husband to his present wife, and a great dad to our kids. Could he pick up a drink tomorrow? In theory, but he's not likely to because of his continued involvement in AA.

Only you can decide whether to risk the possibility he might go back to drinking. The further he gets from his last drink, with continued involvement in his program, the more likely he will continue to stay sober.

I suggest you get involved in Al-Anon, which will be a good place for you regardless of what happens with this guy or your relationship.

Freedom1990

I think this bears repeating. Regardless of what the future holds, you stand to benefit much from Alanon.

I do understand your fear of the unknown, based on your past experiences with RAs.

We have no guarantees of the future.

What I do know is by working a program of recovery through Alanon (and AA too), no matter what life throws at me, I will be okay.

Welcome to SR, and know that you are among friends!

blueblooms14

Hi, and welcome,

Please take what you want or need and leave the rest. I’ve dated addicts recently and it hasn’t worked out positively for my life, so I’m pretty much against it and cautious.

I have to say, “Yes!” to what Barb said!

I just finished a 1 year~ 15 month relationship to most recent A I got involved with (maybe was an RA when I met him- he said he was- I don’t analyze that stuff anymore). Put it this way: he is an addict and I have selected addicts in the past, enough to make me stop cold and start figuring this out. I am doing the picking, addicts don't "happen to me." Also, addicts don’t dominate the population; they’re a statistical minority. So, I am consciously or subconsciously filtering out the majority of men to pick them.

I’m going to make a suggestion as to one possible reason that you said: “So why am I scared out of my mind?” My thought is that it is your intuition, your internal safety meter, your wisdom, warning you. Intuition doesn’t give details, it just says, “warning!” while our brains may be working on other things. You know the risks of being with an RA. I did too. When my intuitive warning bells went off, they clanged and clanged so long I went deaf in one ear. (figuratively- lol)

On the logical, non-intuitive side of things, as LexiCat said, there are always risks and no guarantees in life. There is higher risk and lower risk, better odds and worse odds. Usually when we bet on a higher risk, we gamble that while there is a higher risk of losing, if we win, we win bigger. It’s gambling, calculating risk. When it comes to relationships, I’ve tended to play long odds in the past few years, gone for the longer shots, the recovering addicts but addicts nonetheless. It DID make me uncomfortable. Also, I’m pretty risk-averse in the rest of my life. But I talked myself out of my discomfort to some extent to do it anyway. Okay, fair enough. While the nagging feeling never left completely, I also never “hit big”, a kind of jackpot of extremely good relationship, greater connection or partnership, or quality of life than with a non-addict. Of course, neither of mine had been sober and in determined recovery for more than two and a half years (they claimed they had but I think they lied). Anyway, that’s my experience. My results were right as the odds predicted, in the bell curve.

I am just now reading a book called “How to Spot a Dangerous Man before you Get Involved” by Sandra Brown that I highly recommend. It is empowering and directly addresses the question of the mechanics of selection on our part.

One thing I would never do again is get involved with someone, really involved, meaning more than dating, beginning to significantly compromise personal freedoms, goals or assets, without having very complete background checks done. I want real candor from here on out. I would also wait a couple of years, at least a year, which is too short for me actually. Both of the "A"s I got involved with had very bad records by my standards, and lied to me about their past- never a good sign. Both of them had significent data in their records contrary to the time frames they gave me. Especially if I'm going to get involved with an RA and undertake that risk, I want clean simple candor and there is no other way to confirm that than time and background checks.

Al-Anon is great and so are many of the books listed above in the top threads.

GypsyLeopard

Thanks to all of you for your great advice! I have been looking into Al-Anon in my area, but have yet to take the plunge. I have a disability that causes confusion in new and busy environments, so it takes some extra planning before I'll actually follow through with going to an unknown place and meeting new people. I do know I can benefit from it, and I'm sure I would have a chance to meet someone else in a situation similar to mine. It's on my short list of things to do this summer.

I had given some thought to the fact that I keep ending up with alcoholics, and prior to that a non-addict that was simply incapable of experiencing love. There is definitely a logical tendency toward such persons that is founded in experiences of my youth. It's a big part of why I was on a relationship hiatus, and I celebrate the fact that this connection, while with an addict, has gone refreshingly slow and deliberate rather than quick and without due consideration. I have wasted so much time with emotionally unavailable people, and am very excited to have found someone that so completely makes up for nearly 20 years' worth of relationships that went absolutely nowhere!

When I look at all the ways he is so unlike my previous partners, I feel blessed. He is easily worth the risks I spoke of in my previous post, but that does nothing to allay my fears. I still feel compelled to learn what to expect from him if he should fall from his chosen path. Would it be acceptable for me to ask him what happens when he drinks, or is it best to let sleeping dogs lie? Aside from being physically abusive, there isn't much he could tell me about his past that would cause me to back-pedal. I just keep thinking of "for better or worse" and feel that we can work through anything. Is it insane to be considering that kind of dedication to an addict?

dollydo

Well, for me, life with an addict is more worse than better. That is just my experience.

Doesn't mean that your guy isn't going to be the best of all best mates.

However, physical abuse is an entirely different bird than drinking alcohol. They are two seperate issues.

I like Anvils idea, give it four seasons, what the rush?

GypsyLeopard

Thank you for the good advice! We are taking it slow. My mind is just causing me to fear all these things I don't know, and I'm trying to figure out how to settle it down. I'm sure there will be plenty of opportunities over the summer to learn more about him, and maybe then I will not be so worried.

GypsyLeopard

DollyDo, I'm sorry to learn yours is more worse than better. Yes, physical abuse, or anything involving assault for that matter, is a deal-breaker for me, and I don't think he has that in his history, thankfully.

GypsyLeopard

Hello! I just felt the need to update this thread, in case anyone is browsing for whom this might be helpful. I have trusted my instincts, and seem to have built a solid relationship with my RA. We became engaged a few months ago, and will soon mark 3 years of dating. I won't try to tell you this has been all peaches and cream, but I do feel that I made the right choice to take a chance on my wonderful Guy! Everyone has their own emotional baggage, tolerances and needs, and each couple has to measure and balance theirs to see if they're a good match. I am pleased with our progress, and look forward to the future. Based on a recent realization that I might not be making sure my needs are met, I'll be looking into Al-anon in my area.

In looking back on this, I found something else I need to stress from my original post. I said:
Sadly, during this past year, that RA-turned-Active-Alcoholic committed (and subsequently confessed to) a homicide, and is now in custody. It would seem my instincts are rather keen, thanks be to God. Trust your gut and acknowledge all fear, red and yellow flags!

Hammer

Super.