GettingBy

So, AH listed his beloved Harley for sale on craigslist a few days ago. It was entirely his choice, and while the extra cash would be good to help pay down joint debt... Part of me was not happy about him selling it. I think I was too emotionally attached to it, and all the memories we had riding it together. Anyways... He had a kid coming to pick it up today, prepared to pay full asking in cash, and take it home. We were both on edge.

Three days ago (while I was out of town), AH mentioned this kid called and i said, "oh that's good. Better make sure you have the title!". Well, he never checked, of course... And so tonight, 2 hrs before the kid is coming, I said, "did you get the title out?". And then the insanity started...

He said, "no. You have everything all whored up because of the stupid divorce.". I didn't take the bait, just said, "fine. I'll go get it from the safe.". So I went, but it wasn't there... Lien release from 4 yrs ago, original loan docs and sales receipt. Everything... Except a title?!?! So, AH started in on me... Blaming me for being messy with my files, I probably misplaced it, probably hiding it for divorce, yada-yada-yada. I looked everywhere and couldn't find it. My anxiety was through th roof. The kids felt the tension and started to react, which agitated me even more.

I slipped, I got crazy, I hollered... And it was ugly. I had him in my ear and I couldn't get centered. I asked him to leave so I could think. I got online to order a replacement title... And that's when the truth was revealed... We never got a title, because He had given them the wrong address 9 yrs ago! I never lost it. I told him as much... And then the blaming started again... He said I did all the paperwork wrong, because i did the loan back then... And see, that's why he can't trust me anymore. By now I had both feet in reality.

My recovery kicked in... And I didn't play his game anymore. I very calmly said, "this isn't my problem. You bought the motorcycle before we were even engaged. Before we even shared finances. The address you gave was a hodge podge of your old PO box and our new city. You did the application. Not me. So, you figure this out.". And then I walked away...

And promptly went to both kids. I scooped them up, and told them, "Mommy was wrong for yelling. That was not nice of me to do that. You did NOTHING wrong, and I shouldn't have yelled at you. You don't ever deserve that, and I'm so sorry.". I could see the relief sweep over them... None of what happened was their fault... And they needed to hear that from me.

I felt so bad when I thought I was responsible for losing the title. I let my shame and guilt of my "perceived" mistake blind me... Instead of waiting for the truth... I jumped to beating myself up... And it only added fuel to his blame shifting. I did eventually get back to recovery... I am making progress, but there's still so much work to do.

Thanks for listening.

LexieCat

There is nothing sweeter than realizing that the stuff you are getting blamed for is actually NOT YOUR FAULT. I doubt myself all the time, at work. I do happy-dances when my secretary insists I screwed something up but it WASN'T ME, it was HER. I'm so quick to assume I'm at fault I automatically go into stress mode until I figure out what happened.

Glad you got the kids all reassured. I can totally understand your losing it at that moment.

LaPinturaBella

How sad that we have all been so thoroughly conditioned to automatically assume we screwed up...even when we KNOW we haven't. I'm glad your recovery kicked in, Shannon.

You're doing so well. Shannon2

GettingBy

Thanks ladies!

I was digging through a box of stuff in the basement today... And found my old Journal from 2005.... When I first started my al-anon recovery. It was amazing to actually see my step work from then and compare it to my step work now.

I'm like the old virginia slim ads... "You've come a long way baby!"

LaPinturaBella

AMANDA911

i panic and get sucked into this kind of thing with my husband too. thank goodness your recovery kicked in and you turned it around for your serenity and that of your children.

Alone22

Oh could I see something like this happening at my house too. Must have felt great to pull yourself up out of it.

TakingCharge999

Well done!!!!!

Today I was invited to a lunch with VIP people, I got ready, the time came to go and I felt very uneasy..as if I was just going to bug them, thought perhaps I shouldn't go.. .then I realized it was my pattern at work isolating me from the world .. I told myself "I was invited, I CAN go" didn't think of it twice and left... when I arrived they were very nice and someone told me "Glad you are here, we were waiting for you".

Anyway this story to say I get how uncomfortable and difficult it is to break old patterns!! but we are doing it hugs!!

JACKRUSSELLGIRL

It is amazing how they blame everyone else for their BS. You lost the title, oh wait, we never got the title, well then of course, you screwed up the paperwork and that is why we never got the title. Excuse me MR. AH, do YOU EVER take any responsiblity!! Mine does the same thing. PUH LEASE

LadyM

Wow... That sounds so familiar I can't even believe it ... For so long I bought into all his bs and bad mouthing me for stuff I didn't do or had no control over . I realized after a while that I started saying HIS words under my breath if I made a mistake. Big wake up was when I actually heard how I had started treating ME. Now I try to keep everything inperspecive and not believe his lies and blame game. He also tends to hold one mistake agenst me and brings it up again and again to try and blame. I don't let him any more - I've changed over time and past mistakes should be learned from and overcome. I admit when i make mistakes and won't accept responsibilty for things that arn't my fault. Good for you for working your recovery and coming back to your truth and away from his blame game.

Seren

(((GB))) Sorry to hear about the meltdown. Hope your evening is a bit better!

GettingBy

Thanks everybody! The rest of the weekend was much calmer... Minus my own little internal storms. Keeping the focus on me, staying detached from him, and working my recovery really made a difference this weekend.

The whole Fathers Day could have been awful, but it wasn't because I didn't give in to my own demons! I helped the kids with their present for their dad, and making him breakfast. We did some stuff as a family at lunchtime... And then in typical A fashion... He disappeared off into his own little world all afternoon.

I took that time to work on the gardens, pull some weeds, spread some fertilizer, and do some overdue spring cleaning. It felt good to accomplish something... And to not spin about his selfishness. He made a choice, and I accepted it. Period. I in turn made my own choices.

He says he wants to save our marriage. He says he's willing to change. I don't see it in his actions... Well, accept his underwear. That he IS changing!!!

As for me, I have no choice but to change. I need to for my own health, and my childrens. I really want to work on meditating and mindfulness. I'm going to start that this week!

Thanks for listening!

LaPinturaBella

:rotfxko That was hysterical!

I'm glad you're getting back into your serenity zone. I think you nailed it...it really is as simple as each person making a choice. It just stinks when those choices aren't compatible though. Hope you have a MUCH better week!