I'm really hurting right now.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Grand Rapids MN
Posts: 3
I'm really hurting right now.
My son who just went through treatment and has been home for only a week just got drunk. We came home this afternoon and could tell he had relapsed as soon as we saw him.
He is 26. He is depressed. Just two days ago he was so sure he could do this. He went to an AA meeting last night and then bought a bottle afterwards, I guess. What is that? I don't understand any of this.
My husband is not ready to make him move out. He told me to call the treatment center that my son was just at--that maybe he needs more than 28 days. I did that and left a message.
I feel ill. I want to cry but the tears won't come. What do I say to my son when he wakes up?
He is 26. He is depressed. Just two days ago he was so sure he could do this. He went to an AA meeting last night and then bought a bottle afterwards, I guess. What is that? I don't understand any of this.
My husband is not ready to make him move out. He told me to call the treatment center that my son was just at--that maybe he needs more than 28 days. I did that and left a message.
I feel ill. I want to cry but the tears won't come. What do I say to my son when he wakes up?
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 111
My AH used to go to AA meetings and then buy booze afterwards too.
Maybe have a discussion with him about your boundaries and what you will allow in your home but you have to be ready to back them up with action.
Praying for you.
Maybe have a discussion with him about your boundaries and what you will allow in your home but you have to be ready to back them up with action.
Praying for you.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
I know how scared and disappointed you must feel.
I know a lot of people who bought booze after AA meetings--some of them actually blamed the meetings for "making" them want to drink. That's a lot of baloney. Alcoholics want to drink because they are alcoholics.
It is, indeed, your choice about allowing him to continue to live with you if he is drinking. You can't make him stop drinking, but you can refuse to permit an active alcoholic to live in your home.
Hugs, have you been to Al-Anon? If not, I STRONGLY suggest you start going.
I know a lot of people who bought booze after AA meetings--some of them actually blamed the meetings for "making" them want to drink. That's a lot of baloney. Alcoholics want to drink because they are alcoholics.
It is, indeed, your choice about allowing him to continue to live with you if he is drinking. You can't make him stop drinking, but you can refuse to permit an active alcoholic to live in your home.
Hugs, have you been to Al-Anon? If not, I STRONGLY suggest you start going.
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
So sorry for your pain.
It would appear that at this point in time he is not in recovery.
He is an adult, his recovery is up to him. This is something that you cannot control or do for him. If he truly wants recovery he will seek out treament on his own.
I too agree, Alanon would be very helpful to you and your husband.
Take some time to read others posts, may help you to better understand addiction.
It would appear that at this point in time he is not in recovery.
He is an adult, his recovery is up to him. This is something that you cannot control or do for him. If he truly wants recovery he will seek out treament on his own.
I too agree, Alanon would be very helpful to you and your husband.
Take some time to read others posts, may help you to better understand addiction.
same planet...different world
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Butte, America
Posts: 10,946
Hi PMC and welcome to SR.
I hope you'll take the time to read the stickies at the top of the forum
and perhaps glean an insight into the phenomena of alcoholism
and its' effect on everyone in the alcoholic's world.
There are also resources you can look through
and contact information for yourself and the rest of your family
as you come to terms with what is happening.
I hope you'll read the threads here on the forum
and see that you are not alone.
Again, welcome.
I hope you'll take the time to read the stickies at the top of the forum
and perhaps glean an insight into the phenomena of alcoholism
and its' effect on everyone in the alcoholic's world.
There are also resources you can look through
and contact information for yourself and the rest of your family
as you come to terms with what is happening.
I hope you'll read the threads here on the forum
and see that you are not alone.
Again, welcome.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
I can't suggest Alanon strongly enough for you and your husband.
I also suggest the book "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie.
I made the mistake of taking my then 27-year-old alcoholic/addict daughter in after she had served a lengthy incarceration on felony drug charges.
She was to look for a job, help with housework, and I made it clear that I will not have active addiction/alcoholism in my home.
She played me like a violin.
She attended AA meetings with me (I am in long-term recovery) and shared things that made my heart swell with pride.
In the meantime, she was introducing her 15-year-old sister to pot after I had gone to sleep, and they were drinking in her bedroom.
I happened to come home early one day to my stereo full blast, the house reeking of pot, a man I had never seen before in bed with her, and that was the final straw.
She's been exposed to the rooms of recovery since 1986, so she knows what it is, and where to find it. She chooses not to, and that is her right. I give her the dignity to make her own choices, poor though they may be.
I no longer am willing to take a front row seat to her addictions.
I sleep well at night knowing I have placed her in God's loving hands.
I also suggest the book "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie.
I made the mistake of taking my then 27-year-old alcoholic/addict daughter in after she had served a lengthy incarceration on felony drug charges.
She was to look for a job, help with housework, and I made it clear that I will not have active addiction/alcoholism in my home.
She played me like a violin.
She attended AA meetings with me (I am in long-term recovery) and shared things that made my heart swell with pride.
In the meantime, she was introducing her 15-year-old sister to pot after I had gone to sleep, and they were drinking in her bedroom.
I happened to come home early one day to my stereo full blast, the house reeking of pot, a man I had never seen before in bed with her, and that was the final straw.
She's been exposed to the rooms of recovery since 1986, so she knows what it is, and where to find it. She chooses not to, and that is her right. I give her the dignity to make her own choices, poor though they may be.
I no longer am willing to take a front row seat to her addictions.
I sleep well at night knowing I have placed her in God's loving hands.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: Minnesota
Posts: 59
Coming from an alcoholic teenager and having dealt with my worried parents as you are...
I hate to say this but there really isn't much that you can do. It's something that he needs to wants. He has to hit his bottom and want to become sober.
I've never been to alanon but I know my mom has went and it helped her when she was dealing with me. So you can go there. I can only imagine how nice and helpful everyone there would be as the people in AA are.
I wish you the best. This is a nasty disease. I'll say a prayer for you and your son.
I hate to say this but there really isn't much that you can do. It's something that he needs to wants. He has to hit his bottom and want to become sober.
I've never been to alanon but I know my mom has went and it helped her when she was dealing with me. So you can go there. I can only imagine how nice and helpful everyone there would be as the people in AA are.
I wish you the best. This is a nasty disease. I'll say a prayer for you and your son.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Grand Rapids MN
Posts: 3
I just ordered the book Codependent No More.
I have trouble separating out the difference between staying in faith (believing my son will get well) and acting in reality (facing what I may have to do in the process). My faith helps me get through the hell of this, but maybe it also keeps me from facing it, too. I don't know what to think about that.
My husband says, "Don't worry. Our son J is not perfect. He's doing better than he was before. Don't condemn him or he'll get worse. He needs help, not criticism or else he'll give up on himself."
How do you know when you are being manipulated? We are trying to help a very sick person get well. My son has talked about ending his life but never acted on it. My husband and I are terrified of this. We don't think he is manipulating when he says this. He is very depressed. This is so scary.
We will check out Al Anon--at least I will. Thank you all for your comments. I feel a little better and I think I will be able to sleep tonight.
I have trouble separating out the difference between staying in faith (believing my son will get well) and acting in reality (facing what I may have to do in the process). My faith helps me get through the hell of this, but maybe it also keeps me from facing it, too. I don't know what to think about that.
My husband says, "Don't worry. Our son J is not perfect. He's doing better than he was before. Don't condemn him or he'll get worse. He needs help, not criticism or else he'll give up on himself."
How do you know when you are being manipulated? We are trying to help a very sick person get well. My son has talked about ending his life but never acted on it. My husband and I are terrified of this. We don't think he is manipulating when he says this. He is very depressed. This is so scary.
We will check out Al Anon--at least I will. Thank you all for your comments. I feel a little better and I think I will be able to sleep tonight.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Texas
Posts: 283
It's time to start over again.
Go back to AA and try again. We all fall down. Such is life.
With that: that which ye put forth, that too, ye shall receive.
Go. Go. and Go again.
If he was sure two days ago, he shall be sure again. If he believes.
With that: that which ye put forth, that too, ye shall receive.
Go. Go. and Go again.
If he was sure two days ago, he shall be sure again. If he believes.
Member
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Memphis, TN
Posts: 2,884
Welcome to SR. I am so sorry for your pain. My A (alcoholic) is my wife. I agree with what everyone as said so far and would like to add a little to it.
One of the big things around here that you will see a lot is the 3 c's. You didn't cause it, you can't control it and you can't cure it. He will get better when he is ready to get better and it doesn't really matter what you do.
Something else that really helps is to understand about active alcoholics is that alcoholics lie, all of them. Alcoholics manipulate, all of them and alcoholics only care about themselves and their addiction.
What you can do is start to take care of yourself.
Good luck with your journey.
Your friend,
One of the big things around here that you will see a lot is the 3 c's. You didn't cause it, you can't control it and you can't cure it. He will get better when he is ready to get better and it doesn't really matter what you do.
Something else that really helps is to understand about active alcoholics is that alcoholics lie, all of them. Alcoholics manipulate, all of them and alcoholics only care about themselves and their addiction.
What you can do is start to take care of yourself.
Good luck with your journey.
Your friend,
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Originally Posted by PMC 
I have trouble separating out the difference between staying in faith (believing my son will get well) and acting in reality (facing what I may have to do in the process). My faith helps me get through the hell of this, but maybe it also keeps me from facing it, too. I don't know what to think about that.
Fortunately I do have my own personal experience as a long-term recovering alcoholic to draw on, and I can tell you my parents were my best enablers.
That isn't to say they didn't do what they felt was right, was the loving thing to do.
I do know it is possible to love a child to death because I watched it happen where I live.
This gal was in rehab more than a dozen times (all financed by her parents). She was started up in two businesses, compliments of her parents, and the profits went up her nose.
She always had a place to live, her bills were paid, she had a car, etc etc etc.
Her mother got to bury her at age 50.
I saw her about a month before she died. She might have weighed 90 pounds sopping wet, she had a sickly cough, and her eyes were dull.
She never had to feel the consequences of her addictions, and that was the end result.
Thank God there was no one to pick me up when I relapsed after 4 years. I drug myself up that long flight of steps to my AA home group when I was sick and tired of being sick and tired.
Prayers for you and your son.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Grand Rapids MN
Posts: 3
Again, thank you all for your help. DeVon, thank you for sharing about the woman whose parents "loved her--to death." That really gives me a different picture of what I have been doing.
Passionfruit, thank you for the encouragement about starting over. My son J said he wants to do that --starting today. I don't "see" remorse. Maybe I don't know what remorse should look like.
After a long talk with my husband, we agree that J can't live with us if we don't see serious effort to change.
In one week I am going to a 4-day, 12 hours a day seminar for families of Alcoholics. It's at Hazelden-- a good place. I really, really need this. I wish my husband would go, but he is afraid to leave J alone in our home. Ironic, isn't it?
You dear people have no idea how much you have helped by taking the time to write your thoughts. I can feel your courage.
Passionfruit, thank you for the encouragement about starting over. My son J said he wants to do that --starting today. I don't "see" remorse. Maybe I don't know what remorse should look like.
After a long talk with my husband, we agree that J can't live with us if we don't see serious effort to change.
In one week I am going to a 4-day, 12 hours a day seminar for families of Alcoholics. It's at Hazelden-- a good place. I really, really need this. I wish my husband would go, but he is afraid to leave J alone in our home. Ironic, isn't it?
You dear people have no idea how much you have helped by taking the time to write your thoughts. I can feel your courage.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Hazelden is an awesome place from what I know of it.
Maybe your husband could go on his own after you are done with your program. I think it's smart not to leave your son in your home alone.
There is lots of hope for you and your whole family. Your son may have a ways to go, but the healthier you and your husband are, the better for everyone.
Maybe your husband could go on his own after you are done with your program. I think it's smart not to leave your son in your home alone.
There is lots of hope for you and your whole family. Your son may have a ways to go, but the healthier you and your husband are, the better for everyone.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: By a River
Posts: 83
PMC, my heart breaks for you. I also have a 26 year old son, and having him in the grips of addiction is my worst fear.
Remember:
- Even the most intensive and well-structured programs cannot guarantee recovery, and no recovery is speedy. It's a process.
- You can't love him clean.
He is in a self-imposed prison right now and is being ruled and reigned by his addiction. His need to feed his addiction is greater than his need to recover from it. Every effort you put forth in the name of helping him will fall prey to his addiction.
He has to learn from his own experiences. He has to learn from the things that happen to him along the path of his own mistakes. He has to learn from being allowed to suffer the consequences of his choices.
The only way for him to get free is to be free. Free to fall down as far as he needs to go in order to find the strength and the will to fight and find his way back.
The same way he gave himself over to his alcoholism is the same way he can give himself over to his recovery: by himself.
His "rock bottom" is only a circumstance away. Allow him to reach that point by not enabling him. Give yourself permission to move over and allow him to find his own way back. In the fight to get free he will find himself.
Let him fall as far down as the alcohol will take him - as far down as he has to go, and don't try to cushion the fall. Just believe in him and trust the process.
A relapse is not the end of all hope for recovery.
My hopes and prayers go out for your son and your family. Hang in there.
Remember:
- Even the most intensive and well-structured programs cannot guarantee recovery, and no recovery is speedy. It's a process.
- You can't love him clean.
He is in a self-imposed prison right now and is being ruled and reigned by his addiction. His need to feed his addiction is greater than his need to recover from it. Every effort you put forth in the name of helping him will fall prey to his addiction.
He has to learn from his own experiences. He has to learn from the things that happen to him along the path of his own mistakes. He has to learn from being allowed to suffer the consequences of his choices.
The only way for him to get free is to be free. Free to fall down as far as he needs to go in order to find the strength and the will to fight and find his way back.
The same way he gave himself over to his alcoholism is the same way he can give himself over to his recovery: by himself.
His "rock bottom" is only a circumstance away. Allow him to reach that point by not enabling him. Give yourself permission to move over and allow him to find his own way back. In the fight to get free he will find himself.
Let him fall as far down as the alcohol will take him - as far down as he has to go, and don't try to cushion the fall. Just believe in him and trust the process.
A relapse is not the end of all hope for recovery.
My hopes and prayers go out for your son and your family. Hang in there.
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