Babyblue

I know there have been threads on this topic but I know that anger (within reason) is often an appropriate and healthy response to how we are being treated. I have been very careful to NOT project my anger about the RABF's 'detachment' from me (a requirement of his strict rehab which doesn't allow bf/gf contact or relationships). But there are times when I want to just write him and basically 'tear into him' about how this feels from my end.

I can be all zen about it and know that it is for the greater good and his well being but I am a person who easily speaks up if I feel like I am being stepped on or my feelings are being run over. So to not express how cr*ppy these past few months have been goes against who I am.

I am a very kind and compassionate person but I am not a shrinking violet. When I feel like someone has taken advantage of my kindness or love, in time will give them a piece of my mind. In very direct and clear terms. Yes I have been living my life, I have a great life and the tears dried up weeks ago but when I stop to think about him, missing him has been replaced by anger and I know that is toxic if I don't sort it out.

There are so many things I want to say to him, things which may be kind of hurtful but are my truths. The long and short of it is, yes he is following his program but I doubt the program tells them to completely ignore (or not explain) what is going on for so so long.

Emotional abuse comes in many forms, the silent treatment (not speaking, disappearing, not acknowledging) towards someone you supposedly care about is considered a form of emotional abuse. It leave the other person feeling confused, despairing, feeling like they did something wrong, etc. So I am telling myself that he is not purposefully silent but it is just a factor of his rehab demands.

So explain to me how a rehab program would advocate that kind of treatment towards someone else? Am I missing something here?

Or is it cowardice on his part to make some attempt at coming forward to explain to me what is going on?

I am not demanding an explanation as much as feel strongly that going silent on someone IS emotionally hurtful. I thought the whole point of rehab was in teaching the alcoholic to treat those they care about with more kindness and acknowledge how awful they can treat people?

I am still stumped by this.

I am TRYING to maintain my compassion and not kick someone when they are down. The best thing I can do is to distance myself as much as I can but for months I have beat myself up, blamed myself, tiptoed in letters about how I am feeling and I can't do it anymore. (I am not writing anymore if I am in this stage)

My not writing a letter about how angry I am is for his benefit, not mine. I think he does need to hear it but I don't think an angry letter is the right way. He hasn't been in contact with me probably for this reason, I am pi$$ed. And when he does get in touch with me I will toss out some 'realities' about how this has made me feel.

So where do we (as codependents) detach with love vs stick up for ourselves? I love him, I want him to succeed but clearly he is missing something in his recovery if he continues to avoid me. Is that a fair assumption?

Be nice in your responses because I am already 'triggered' as I write this In other words, don't tell me to go to a spa because there are times when anger IS healthy in that it allows us to see things from a place of empowerment.. as long as the anger doesn't fester. How much of that anger though should I 'share' with him vs. keeping my trap shut until he is better and out of his program? That is what I am really trying to figure out.

Oh and Have a nice day!

MissChievous

I understand EXACTLY what you are saying. I am the same way. When I express my anger it's because I need to feel my feelings and express them --- and I call it communication.

I struggle with the same thing. I know when I react (to him) I am giving up my personal power to think, feel and behave in my best interests. I am allowing him to determine when I will be happy; when I will be peaceful; when I will be upset, and what I will say, so think and feel.

But by holding my anger INSIDE I am again allowing him to determine when and what I can feel. What if I feel best by releasing my anger? What if I feel that it's not in my best interest to hold it in? I've walked on eggshells enough.

I tell myself that feelings are important, but they're only feelings.

I tell myself that thoughts are important, but they're only thoughts - and we all think a lot of different things, and our thoughts are subject to change.

What I say and do is important. What he says and does is important. But the world doesn't hinge on my words or actions.

And if it's really important that something gets said or done, it'll happen.

I try to ask myself if I am just reacting. When I am busy reacting, I lose the time and energy to identify the real problem, much less figure out how to solve it. It narrows my vision so much that I get stuck reacting to symptoms of problems. I am trying to learn to recognize when I am reacting, when I'm allowing him to yank my strings. If I use the words "he made me feel" then it probably means I am reacting.

Then I need to examine what happened. Troubles and feelings go wild when I keep them caged inside. I need to talk about my feelings. I need to take responsibility for them. Feel whatever it is I am feeling. Nobody makes me feel. He may have helped me feel a certain way, but I do my feeling all by myself.

But then sometimes reactions can be useful. They help me figure out what I like and what feels good. They help me identify problems. But I just can't react too much. And not react to the B.S. It isn't always that important.

Something that helps me is to write down my feelings, and put my anger on paper. Not to show to anyone, but just to express myself. I need to get my feelings and anger out somehow, or I get to the point where I feel like I'm going to explode.

This post is so all-over-the-place and discombobulated...I'm sorry! As you can tell, this is a confusing issue for me also. And I'm sure this only made the issue more bewildering!

No answers here - but I will be anxious to hear what those with wisdom have to say!

dollydo

I do understand your anger, I have been there. One thing I have learned about me is that most of the time, I am really angry at myself, for a lapse in my own common sense, that I allowed myself to be put in an uncomfortable situation.

Putting your thoughts on paper is a viable option, however, I would consider not sending the letter at this time.

I would research his program a little further, is it really true that he cannot have any contact with the outside world (except family) for a year? Or, is it pure fodder? There is a reason that he has not contacted you, could it be that he has moved on? Some people are cowards and determine that it is easier to just practice avoidance.

Obviously I do not have the answer, however, to me, it may finally be time to let him go. You can get complete closure by really moving on with your life, right now you are still allowing him to hold you hostage.

Just my two cents, I am sorry that you are still struggling with this issue.

LexieCat

Could you possibly contact the rehab about this and ask them to explain their policy? At least then you would know whether it really IS policy. If, in fact, it is, I don't think it is fair to blame him.

If it isn't, and you are still in the dark about why he isn't communicating with you, I suppose you are at least no worse off than you were, and maybe a little better.

The question still would be, though, are you willing to listen to, and consider, an explanation from him? If not, if there is NO excuse, in your mind, for his failure to stay in touch with you during this time, what then? Is this something he could make up to you for, or would it be a deal-breaker?

I don't know the answer, obviously, but maybe those are some things you want to think about before you unleash your anger on him. There IS a big difference between simply selfishly disregarding someone's feelings and doing what you feel you MUST do, even if there is collateral hurt to someone else. So I think, anyway.

Babyblue

That is the thought I've been holding Lexie. I want to believe that there is a reasonable and justified explanation.

And yes, I have spoken with the rehab and they have a strict no contact rule for anyone of the opposite sex that isn't family. I'm not sure at what point they relax that rule but a friend of his even confirmed it with me. So that is why I feel mixed feelings. Is my anger miplaced?

I wrote a letter as a release for me but I am not going to send it. What would be the point? He is doing it for his growth and recovery. I just think there is a better way to do things so that people (healthy ones in their life) aren't collateral damage. But I can't change rules and I see the value in what they are doing.

It is a weird place for me to be. I have stepped back but stuff just creeps up and I get angry now. Maybe I am angry with myself for not understanding better or angry at myself for feeling walked over. I don't know. It could be that he just is done with me but we were doing well and close before he decided to do this. I just showed him a supportive face even though inside I felt abandoned.

I am probably mad that I made myself vulnerable. That is what happens when you express love to someone. It is a risk. But feeling shut out whether intentional or not is not a great feeling

chicory

Babyblue,

This really stinks for you Babyblue. I would be angry too.

big hug,
chicory

LexieCat

Well, if it's strict policy, then I honestly don't know what you expect him to do differently. Violate policy and get kicked out or have privileges or something revoked or suspended?

Part of what you are supposed to learn at rehab (as I understand it--I haven't been) is to learn to TAKE DIRECTION. A lot of people relapse because, instead of following the BB Steps and directions literally, they make up their own rules and are puzzled when they don't get the results that are promised.

If he is following policy and taking direction, that bodes well for his ultimate recovery.

Vent here about how lousy you feel, and we will give you hugs and encouragement. I know it's frustrating to feel you are in the dark about what's going on with him. Try your best to trust that things will ultimately work out the way they should.

Actually, you could look at it this way--you are not having to deal with the sometimes very messy first weeks of recovery. Sometimes it ain't pretty!

Big hugs,

Babyblue

Thanks so much for the reassurance to you all, and support.

It is true Lexie. It is about his recovery in his eyes and I can't fault him for that.

I guess I am sad that I reconnected with him at a time in his life when he is in such flux and transition. I can only hope the outcome will be good and he will stay in my life.. that is all.

It isn't asking for too much .. I won't know for some time and I do live my life but I miss having him a part of that or miss his voice even. Sappy as that is I know. My therapist said it makes sense he'd stay away since he probably does care a lot and the pull towards me may detract from his program.

I will vent here instead of sending angry beeatch letters though.

LaPinturaBella

You might be associating this with "abandonment" because it feels like it from past experiences and you may also be upset with yourself for making yourself vulnerable and risking your heart. Plus, you've been involved in everything that came before, so maybe you're feeling left out of this very important step...recovery?

You've spoken with the facility and this is their policy. So it really isn't him that's disappeared and/or is avoiding you. He's actually following the rules. I'd write the letter, for your own sake, to release the feelings. But do not send it.

GettingBy

Hey there babyblue....

Just a quick thought that I had... Maybe the whole no contact from him is your HP's gift to YOU. A chance to be fully separated from him and the chaos and drama so you can pour yourself entirely into your own recovery?

Where I am in my own recovery, those moments when my AH is "unavailable" for whatever the reason, I am learning to accept the silence as a gift. A chance to sit and find peace and get focused back on me. When I dont work my recovery, those moments of silence are hell on earth. All the worries, what ifs, projecting... I drive myself insane and miss out on great opportunities to live here and now.

One thing that occurred to me yesterday... Even though I was working what i thought was a good program... A part of me was still looking to my AH for answers... And it was keeping me stuck - confused, and angry. All we have is ourselves... And al-anon and the recovery it offers.

Take what you like... And set the rest on fire!!!! LOL!
Shannon

TakingCharge999

*WARNING I will ramble a lot*

You know its strict policy/ but maybe your strong feelings come from not being in control (or more like realizing you can't control him anyway), and/or not knowing that if given the chance he would WANT to write to you or not... as its a confusing spot you are in, right now...

You have to let him go Babyblue. Anything can happen. No one knows what's going on with him. Maybe not even him. I went crazy and mad when XABF kept silent and I was going through major stress and pain. Those times he ignored me, those times where I felt I was not valuable to him -and there were many- were what brought me to SR and to therapy and to major self introspection...

Letting go was not as horrible and painful as I suspected. In fact it removed my suffering. When I realized I wanted peace in my life, and when I realized which people made me feel stressed, sad, abandoned, uncertain, unsafe, etc.etc.... I realized I am in charge now and hanging around those people is entirely optional.

What if he goes out, you 2 are together again, and he relapses in 2 months? and he goes back to rehab? many alcoholics go to rehab repeatedly. Will you go again with the rollercoaster? are you ok with this uncertainty about the future? would you be ok knowing anytime he may drink again, after 1 day, 1 month, 1 year, 10 years...? would you trust him again?

My case was very clear about how dad came home whenever he could and whenever he wanted and whenever it was convenient for him. I was small and didn't have options.

Now as an adult its very important for me to have people around me that are reliable and familiar and with whom I can relax with and are fairly healthy. I don't want to feel abandoned, worthless, invisible, optional, unworthy again. I am tired of dancing to that tune. I claimed I loved EXABF but where was my self love? I didn't love him, I just wanted him to do and be who I wanted him to be, who he was before. Beyond my unworthiness feelings lied grandiosity, thinking someone else could be my puppet.


I don't know it makes me sad you have gone through so much for a long time Babyblue... you can feel much better regardless of what happens with the guy. You can let him go. You will have to let him go, sooner or later: no one is ours, anyway.

PS "The Language of Letting go " by Melody Beatty is good reading.

TakingCharge999

You don't know which outcome will be good for you in the long run. Can you believe anything that happens will be good for you, even if its not immediately obvious, even if its not what you desire? I thought HP was angry with me taking XABF away from me.

Turned out it was a huge blessing. Imagine, I would have turned alcoholic, or given future kids an alcoholic dad, later see them turning alcoholics or raging codies...

I love my life without XABF. My life is better without him. His drama. His issues. His toxicity.

I never thought I would say this, but it is what it is.

We got to go with the flow. Trust you are being taken care of..

What if HP has better plans for you?

Babyblue

I thought I let him go, I really did. Or that I was well on my way to but somehow I equate 'letting go' with giving up on him.

What does letting go actually look like? Maybe if I knew. It probably means different things to different people.

I am sure I'd feel awful if he relapsed while in this program. Or get kicked out. I think I picture it as this country club place where he is sitting around with his chums complaining about this chick who is in his life (me)

Last week, I was doing great. I felt confident with myself, regardless of what happens but this weekend I seemed to have slid backwards. I start to beat myself up; if only I was this or that then maybe he'd miss me or reach out to me. Or I start to think I did something wrong when I know I didn't.

There is a part of me that understands that this time is a blessing. That having him in my life as he was would have been unhealthy. Even though he had regained his sobriety on his own, he was far far far from having his life intact.

LaPintura is spot on about me. I let myself feel vulnerable and had my heart crushed before but strangely (and naively) I thought my heart with him was somehow safe, no matter where he was, no matter what happened. I don't know why it is so important to know (or believe) that he still cares about me.

I am the one that needs to care about me. And I have been working at surrounding myself by people here in my life NOW who are there for me. I haven't placed my life on hold, just my heart. Letting go is a process I know and it will take me time. He and I go way back. It isn't something I like to do in my life ever, let people go. I have had to of course but I suck at it!

TakingCharge999

Oh well it has taken me 3 years lol

To me letting go was when I stopped posting about the XABF in SR! at least as a new thread.

Letting go to me is living the present, living in the reality today (now)

Remembering the past or wondering about the future and about what others may or may not be doing, thinking, planning, etc is madness and a recipe for suffering. And its an illusion because, well, you just don't know...

I would think he is confronting himself and when you do that you are too busy processing your feelings to think about anyone else. Well just my experience in the retreats I've gone to, never been in rehab thank HP.

Keep taking care of you and it will become less and less important if someone else cares about you... well that's what happened to me.. now I don't give a rats a$$

dollydo

If he makes it through recovery, stays sober, works a program and wants to come back to you, he will. People change, for him this rehab program may be a life altering moment. What he wanted drunk may not be what he wants sober. There is no way to tell, all you can do is go forward with your life. If you two are meant to be, it will happen.

Are you dating? To me, sitting at home pineing and thinking about him 24/7 is not healthy for you. Under any circumstances, he has a long road ahead of him, are you planning to put your life on hold forever?

You sound like a wonderful, caring person, maybe it's time to start caring for yourself.

Make today special for you!

Babyblue

I knew him mostly sober, not as the alcoholic. He relapsed though and I was supportive but kept a distance. I know he felt a lot of shame and embarassment with his relapse but I didn't judge or pressure him to get well. He came around again and went into this program. The first several months he did keep in touch but talking to me was against their rules so he fell silent and I haven't heard since.

I don't know how much he will change in terms of the person I knew because I did mostly relate to the sober him. That is a plus right? I don't drink and have never had a drinking/drug problem. I struggle with 'am I healthy for him?' because he relapsed as things between us moved a bit faster. I know I didn't cause it but I did/do feel guilty except I didn't know much at all about relapse or the disease.

I do have a very active and busy life, career, friends. But dating has been tough. I did go out with a couple of guys. Except it didn't feel right and he was on my mind the whole time (oh and one guy was a heavy drinker too!). Ugh. I am really hoping that someone else will come down the pike because I know that would be a good thing in terms of letting go. I am trying to not have resentments building but I don't pine anymore, now I get angry to a degree or feel jaded about love and opening up to people.

I tell myself to be a 'friend' but that is very challenging as well. Ideally I'd love to just be a great friend once again and see where this takes us so that is why I want to LET GO of this anger and LET GO of him taking up so much space in my heart. Maybe then whatever happens won't really affect me as much.

This time last year, we were doing great. He was healthy and sober, trying really hard to get his life on track. Fast forward one year and he may as well be on a different planet The funny thing is, I am not one to care about what others think, it is more that I don't want to feel like someone's love or caring wasn't real. My therapist said that is MY issue that has nothing to do with the situation. I have a hard time feeling like someone really does care. If anything that has been the thing I have been working on most, to accept that I am worth love.

Yes loving myself is important but oddly enough, I do ok with that. It is when I start to open up, I feel very vulnerable so it is more that I am angry at him for getting me to open up then leaving! Not so much the circumstances. He was the first person I let in in a long time so that is why I feel so confused about this, or why it flares up from time to time.

sigh.

dollydo

I understand, this is not easy, relationships are complex at best, then add an addiction to the mix and you have added more layers to the equasion.

When I read what you write, fear of abondonment pops into my mind. People will come in and out of your life, that is the process, not my rules. We have to learn how to roll with the punches and move forward with our lives.

We are all entitled to be loved, however, we first must love ourselves.

I have learned that everything I have wanted to achieve in my life requires a learning curve of setbacks and persistance.

To me, there is nothing like a Mr Right, it is just a matter of what I am willing to tolerate and accept. Until you stop obsessing about your ABF, finding someone new is going to be a real challenge, some of this is simply mind over matter.

Well, that's my 2 cents! I know that you will work this all out!

pixipie

Hi Baby Blue, newbie here...

Alot of what you talk about ressonates strongly with my current situation, especially the stuff about feeling like letting go mirrors 'letting him down', and finding it hard to enact the role of friend when you feel strong love for him. At what point do OUR needs get met? I realise the answer is in what are we prepared to do for ourselves to get it, but Im in the baby steps phase at present.

my person also opened me up to absolute vulnerability and then abruptly left me. He has been transparent in his explanation of his problem, but like yourself I have spent 90% of my friendship with this man while he was in sobriety, so I think Im still clinging to that person who was caring and interested, not this present self absorbed black hole of a man I speak to lately. Worse even I have never even seen my guy drunk, so I feel like Im in a weird un-reality. I will continue to read your posts and see how you go, I sympathise deeply, we are in a similar place you and I.

bonami

Babyblue - still feeling my way around here but wanted to let you know that reading your posts has been helpful to me. Our situations are not exactly the same, because my person in treatment is not my spouse or boyfriend, but he is a close friend and someone I am used to seeing every day at work. And I also have been reacting to why he cannot contact me. I guess even tho he is in outpatient treatment, he has probably been told not to contact anyone outside of his family, either. I thought my messages of support were being rebuffed when the only response I got back was "don't text or call." But the advice given to me on these boards is teaching me not to take this personally. I still worry that I know nothing about how he is doing or if he will be distant when (or IF) he returns to work (the HR lawyer and my boss have a call scheduled...). But I am trying to remain patient and use this time to learn more about recovery. I wish you the same patience and I hope you can work through the anger and frustration you are feeling now.