crrogers22

From 2006-2008, I was in a relationship with a very physically and verbally abusive alcohol and substance dependent person. He would stick loaded guns in my mouth, hit me constantly, etc. He would then dry out and be nice, make lukewarm attempts to get better, and then the cycle would start again. I wanted to leave but couldn't (long story). The first chance to get rid of him, I did. However, his repeted sob stories made me take him back only for the cycle to start again. I finally wised up and got rid of him altogether.

Anyway, only a few years later, I have noticed that the way I perceive relationships and the way I interact with a prospective partner has undergone a 180 degree shift.

The biggest shift has to be the fact that I never really bond with anybody. When I see guys developing closer feelings for me, I catch myself thinking thoughts of dread such as, "Oh, crap...now he is going to want to be exclusive and I am going to be locked into a relationship" or something along that line.

When I was finishing my residency, I had to live in Michigan for one year. While there, I met a guy and we became exclusive. However, when it was time for me to move away, I remember thinking that I wanted to stay in touch and be friends but I didn't want to stay with him (???) It was like I just don't want to be tied down anymore.

Strangely enough, I want to date but it seems I fall in lust and not love anymore. THis is so different than the old me who always wanted relationships, committment, et cetera.

Furthermore, I notice I never get jealous anymore. A few years ago, if I had a boyfriend go to bars or clubs alone, i wouldn't have been happy at all. Now, guys are shocked when I don't have a reaction. To be honest, although I woudn't stay with a guy if he cheated, I would be able to calmly break up with him because I would have no overwhelming painful emotions...

Is this type of a personality change ever happen to anybody else after an abusive relationship?

Tally

It sounds to me like you've gone into a kind of "self preservation" mode. After being so hurt in the past by your ex it's not surprising really that you would do everything you can to protect yourself. If you don't let people in, let them near you or let yourself love them then you don't accept unacceptable behaviour as easily thus not getting hurt.

Are you unhappy being this way? Do you want it to be different?

endlesspatience

Have you come across the idea of sexual anorexia? As this is an alcohol forum I won't discuss it here. But do some digging and have a look at the sites of other 12 step programmes and you may find some useful material.