snoino

I am new to this forum. I have been with my spouse for several years but only in the last few years have had to deal with my spouse's efforts at sobriety. My spouse was a functioning alcoholic our first few years together but eventually bottomed out and I saw the reality. You all know the pattern of promises, relapse, lies, return to AA, etc. The last time it happened I told my spouse that I could no longer live like this and that if my spouse did not truly embrace his program for his own benefit that we would need to go our separate ways. It wasn't an ultimatum, I let him know that with or without me, it was obviously to his benefit to be sober. The biggest difficulty was that when he relapses ge becomes very angry and our relationship is explosive. He wrote up a contract agreeing he would pack up and leave if he got drunk again. Well, he's been drinking again, but hasn't told me. But he hasn't been explosive. I see all the signs, but know that I want to support him, not leave him. I understand that he backed himself into a corner by the contract he chose to write up. There's no reason for him to tell me he's drinking because per his contract, he will have to pack up and leave. I want to confront him and see what he says, but also don't want to be an enabler. My biggest struggle is the mixed messages I get from what I read online. Some say that you always need to leave if there's a relapse, but others say it's part of the reality of being in a relationship with someone in recovery and the most important thing is to have a plan to work through it constructively. As long as we are able to do so in a healthy manner, is it always bad to stay with a spouse who relapses? It seems that being able to work through this in a healthy constructive manner is the biggest factor with a disease that has relapse built right into it.

JACKRUSSELLGIRL

That is a tough one but for me he would use the "relapse is part of the disease" as an excuse to drink. It is one thing if someone has a relapse and then gets honest with themselves and continues on a path or recovery but if he continues to drink.... Well, we all know how that goes...

I would think more of what you want and if you can continue to live with the drinking. Either drinking from a relapse or not. What is acceptable to you?

zrx1200R

It's never "wrong" to leave. It's a choice.

No one can tell you what to do. You have to do what is right for you. The collective experiences here indicate most don't recover. A few do, and it takes them many years.

If you don't want to live on the roller coaster, the only choice is to leave. If you stay, fully understand what you are going to experience.

MissChievous

From what I understand, relapse is not that uncommon (wish I was in the position to know...that would at least mean that my AH had tried the path to recovery).

If I were in your position, it would be all about what he did with his relapse. Let him know that you will do an amendment to the contract if he gets right back on that wagon.

LexieCat

It's only a "contract" if both parties agree to the terms. What he gave you was a promise that he broke. One that he probably intended to keep at the time he made it.

It's entirely up to you whether to stay or to go. Most of us stayed until we felt we were harming ourselves or our kids too much by staying. Each person's situation is unique, and each person has his/her individual limits of tolerance for living with alcoholic drinking.

If you aren't in Al-Anon, I suggest you check it out. Living with alcoholism makes us all sick, to one degree or another. Al-Anon will help you focus on your own recovery so you can make the healthiest choices for yourself.

So, no, you aren't "wrong" for staying.

skippernlilg

I think it's important for you to focus more on your recovery. With that comes setting and keeping reasonable boundaries. Only you can decide what's reasonable for you.

I suggest you continue to peruse the stickies here at the top of SR forum, continue reading and posting here, find your closest most applicable Al-anon group to attend face to face meetings, buy or borrow the book "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie, and start a daily devotional of some sort. My daily devotionals include "Courage to Change" a book by Al-anon, and my Bible. I also have completely read the Big Book of AA and will re-read it in conjunction with the other books I've mentioned here.

Loaded with information, I think you'll have the confidence to make a decision and enough time passing to make an informed decision, since time brings all sorts of things to light. I've noticed that time and patience reveals a whole lot of where I might be on any given situation.

Stay strong!