New here - My story (sorry so long)
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 29
New here - My story (sorry so long)
Before I start, I must say that this feels pretty unreal to me - I don't want to have to post here, after reading many postings and articles and threads I see myself and my husband. I am so scared to put this in writing. My husband is a "functional" alcoholic.
We have been together since we were 16 (12 years) and have been married for over 4 years. He is not the boy I met or the man I fell in love with anymore. He gets up, works, has a business and we have a beautiful daughter who is almost 2. He can be a great person. He drinks from the moment he gets home until bed time. We have had many conversations about his drinking all of which wind up pointing back to me and how my actions affect him this way and are the cause of all his emotional problems which make him want to drink. There is always a reason to drink: it's friday night, it's the weekend, the guys are over, it's vacation, we're sailing, I had a hard day at work, DD was giving me a hard time, it's tuesday night, it's thirsty thursday, it's the first day back at work after vacation, it's a holiday, it's a snow day, i just finished mowing the lawn, family is visiting .... on and on and on - there is never a reason not to drink. We went through the parting phase together in college and after graduation still enjoyed to "live it up". We were so exctied to move into our first home and get pregnant. I never drank while pregnant and wound up driving alot when we went to BBQ's with friends/family or out to a restaurant. After our daughter was born I nursed her so didn't drink often and have reached a point in my life where I can take or leave alcohol. I enjoy a relaxing beer or cocktail but am out of the party phase. He never stopped and now I'm "a stick in the mud, a party pooper, a prude" and have been told many times after a night with the guys (where I am the responsible parent and have a good time but don't go crazy) "I just wished you'd taken that stick out of your butt and let loose!" He started hanging out with guys who are much younger and still in their party stage and it's not a good influence on him. It makes his drinking seem normal when it's not.
The last time we talked about his drinking I laid it all on the table. I loved him, I want him to be healthy. I miss him. His drinking makes me angry because it comes first. I notice his anger when he doesn't have "enough" beer for the night in the fridge. I don't think he can stop or cut dow (he has tried to cut down many times but it always build back up to 6-12 beers a night on a weeknight). I think he has a problem. He responded per usual - I like to drink, it's something I enjoy doing, should I have to give up something I enjoy? If we had more sex or if I was more affectionate he wouldn't need to drink as much. (I don't want to have sex of be affectionate when he's been drinking) If I didn't do my exercise class and he had more time for himself he wouldn't need to drink. I can cut down, I've been trying. I said okay then lets make it drinking on a weekend evening but not during the work week.
The next evening (monday night) he became mroe and more agitated and then burst out wiht "so what incentive do I have to not have a beer tonight, what's my reason for this." I said "your daughter and I arn't enough?" He said, No! I need something more concrete than that, that's too abstract." ...... that made me so sad a made me realize just how big a problem this actually is - people are less important then beer.
In one breath he loves me and in the next all I feel from him is disdain and anger. Just the other night (after 6 beers or so) he tried to give me a hug while watching tv, pressing on my shoulder which is sore from over-extension. When I said "ooo, easy on my shoulder" he threw up his hands saying "I can't even touch you anymore!" I responded by pointing out that was not what I said at all and later asked him if I should just not say anything if his touch hurts or is uncomfortable to me. He said no, I should tell him if something isn't comfortable. His words say this but his responses and actions say other wise. He can be very passive aggressive - if I try to cuddle of give him a hug he'll say things like "what is this? affection from my wife?" which of course makes me not want to be affectionate at all.
I have been detaching from him emotionally in many ways over the last few years. I used to be so codependent I lost myself - I would wait for him before I could do anything and if you had asked me what I liked to do I didn't have an answer. Everything I was doing/wanted to do was connected to his wants/interests. I realized that "I" had vanished into "we/he". Then I started taking that first scary step for myself. I started doing my art again - for no other reason than that I wanted to. I dug out my old bike at my folks place and rigged it with baskets so I could go for bike rides to the stores (dispite his comments like "we'll see how long this lasts") - I rediscovered why I had LOVED to ride my bike as a teenager. I did a lot of soul searching. I now take exercise classes (even though he doesn't want me to because it takes away from his "me time" - I need me time too and now stand up for myself.) I'm running my first 5k in the fall. I don't care anymore if he doesn't agree with me or dislikes something I do or say. I'll stand by my observations, beliefs and opinions. I am no longer so easily swayed to his side of things during an argument. He has a tough time handling all these changes and my new found independence. I used to be miserable without him, now I enjoy my time when he's gone.
The really confusing part is that there are times when it isn't all anger and I really enjoy being with him. He can still make me laugh and can be a good guy. It makes me feel like I'm just imagining things or making something out of nothing. The numbers of beer bottles add up - as does the unreasonable anger and the nasty, passive agressive comments (which I now fight back on and don't let affect me - before I'd be reduced to tears and crushed, my self worth lowered), but how can it also be so good sometimes. I know we'll have another conversation about his drinking, it's almost scripted by now, it always ends the same way
.
Right now it's really good (even though the drinking is still there). We'll see how long it lasts.
So here's where I'm at I guess. Fear: of the truth, of the conversation, of admitting it to myself and others. Guilt: at still being able to be happy with him and still know the truth about his drinking. Anger: for not being important enough for him to hear me (I know that's not rational) and for dealing with his immaturity/lack of responsibility. Disgust: for his selfishness Confusion: over the good times and my reaction to them Hope: for myself, my daughter, and yes, my husband too. Hope/Denial?: for his future realization of his problem and his subsequent journey into recovery.
I don't know where this will all go but I'm relieved I've found a place to talk with others who understand.
Thank you for reading.
We have been together since we were 16 (12 years) and have been married for over 4 years. He is not the boy I met or the man I fell in love with anymore. He gets up, works, has a business and we have a beautiful daughter who is almost 2. He can be a great person. He drinks from the moment he gets home until bed time. We have had many conversations about his drinking all of which wind up pointing back to me and how my actions affect him this way and are the cause of all his emotional problems which make him want to drink. There is always a reason to drink: it's friday night, it's the weekend, the guys are over, it's vacation, we're sailing, I had a hard day at work, DD was giving me a hard time, it's tuesday night, it's thirsty thursday, it's the first day back at work after vacation, it's a holiday, it's a snow day, i just finished mowing the lawn, family is visiting .... on and on and on - there is never a reason not to drink. We went through the parting phase together in college and after graduation still enjoyed to "live it up". We were so exctied to move into our first home and get pregnant. I never drank while pregnant and wound up driving alot when we went to BBQ's with friends/family or out to a restaurant. After our daughter was born I nursed her so didn't drink often and have reached a point in my life where I can take or leave alcohol. I enjoy a relaxing beer or cocktail but am out of the party phase. He never stopped and now I'm "a stick in the mud, a party pooper, a prude" and have been told many times after a night with the guys (where I am the responsible parent and have a good time but don't go crazy) "I just wished you'd taken that stick out of your butt and let loose!" He started hanging out with guys who are much younger and still in their party stage and it's not a good influence on him. It makes his drinking seem normal when it's not.
The last time we talked about his drinking I laid it all on the table. I loved him, I want him to be healthy. I miss him. His drinking makes me angry because it comes first. I notice his anger when he doesn't have "enough" beer for the night in the fridge. I don't think he can stop or cut dow (he has tried to cut down many times but it always build back up to 6-12 beers a night on a weeknight). I think he has a problem. He responded per usual - I like to drink, it's something I enjoy doing, should I have to give up something I enjoy? If we had more sex or if I was more affectionate he wouldn't need to drink as much. (I don't want to have sex of be affectionate when he's been drinking) If I didn't do my exercise class and he had more time for himself he wouldn't need to drink. I can cut down, I've been trying. I said okay then lets make it drinking on a weekend evening but not during the work week.
The next evening (monday night) he became mroe and more agitated and then burst out wiht "so what incentive do I have to not have a beer tonight, what's my reason for this." I said "your daughter and I arn't enough?" He said, No! I need something more concrete than that, that's too abstract." ...... that made me so sad a made me realize just how big a problem this actually is - people are less important then beer.
In one breath he loves me and in the next all I feel from him is disdain and anger. Just the other night (after 6 beers or so) he tried to give me a hug while watching tv, pressing on my shoulder which is sore from over-extension. When I said "ooo, easy on my shoulder" he threw up his hands saying "I can't even touch you anymore!" I responded by pointing out that was not what I said at all and later asked him if I should just not say anything if his touch hurts or is uncomfortable to me. He said no, I should tell him if something isn't comfortable. His words say this but his responses and actions say other wise. He can be very passive aggressive - if I try to cuddle of give him a hug he'll say things like "what is this? affection from my wife?" which of course makes me not want to be affectionate at all.
I have been detaching from him emotionally in many ways over the last few years. I used to be so codependent I lost myself - I would wait for him before I could do anything and if you had asked me what I liked to do I didn't have an answer. Everything I was doing/wanted to do was connected to his wants/interests. I realized that "I" had vanished into "we/he". Then I started taking that first scary step for myself. I started doing my art again - for no other reason than that I wanted to. I dug out my old bike at my folks place and rigged it with baskets so I could go for bike rides to the stores (dispite his comments like "we'll see how long this lasts") - I rediscovered why I had LOVED to ride my bike as a teenager. I did a lot of soul searching. I now take exercise classes (even though he doesn't want me to because it takes away from his "me time" - I need me time too and now stand up for myself.) I'm running my first 5k in the fall. I don't care anymore if he doesn't agree with me or dislikes something I do or say. I'll stand by my observations, beliefs and opinions. I am no longer so easily swayed to his side of things during an argument. He has a tough time handling all these changes and my new found independence. I used to be miserable without him, now I enjoy my time when he's gone.
The really confusing part is that there are times when it isn't all anger and I really enjoy being with him. He can still make me laugh and can be a good guy. It makes me feel like I'm just imagining things or making something out of nothing. The numbers of beer bottles add up - as does the unreasonable anger and the nasty, passive agressive comments (which I now fight back on and don't let affect me - before I'd be reduced to tears and crushed, my self worth lowered), but how can it also be so good sometimes. I know we'll have another conversation about his drinking, it's almost scripted by now, it always ends the same way
. Right now it's really good (even though the drinking is still there). We'll see how long it lasts.
So here's where I'm at I guess. Fear: of the truth, of the conversation, of admitting it to myself and others. Guilt: at still being able to be happy with him and still know the truth about his drinking. Anger: for not being important enough for him to hear me (I know that's not rational) and for dealing with his immaturity/lack of responsibility. Disgust: for his selfishness Confusion: over the good times and my reaction to them Hope: for myself, my daughter, and yes, my husband too. Hope/Denial?: for his future realization of his problem and his subsequent journey into recovery.
I don't know where this will all go but I'm relieved I've found a place to talk with others who understand.
Thank you for reading.
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
Welcome,
Sounds like you have been doing alot of soul searching!
Rediscovering yourself is a positive.
Lots of great people, read others posts, it might help you understand alcoholism and its ramifications.
Sounds like you have been doing alot of soul searching!
Rediscovering yourself is a positive.
Lots of great people, read others posts, it might help you understand alcoholism and its ramifications.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Alcoholism is sneaky. Usually it doesn't just explode on the scene and destroy everything at once. It eats away at the alcoholic, the relationship, the family. There's often a long period like the one you are in, where the alcoholic sort of has it together still, externally, in terms of job, responsibilities, and stuff. They can still be fun and charming--just enough that we keep questioning ourselves, as you have.
But it's gonna keep getting worse.
Stick around here, you will learn a lot and get a lot of support. I also suggest that you check out Al-Anon, which is a great place for some face-to-face support with people who are dealing with the same kinds of issues that you are.
Ultimately, it's up to you how much tolerance you have for your situation. It sounds like you are already doing a pretty good job of detaching from his behavior around drinking. You are doing things for yourself that give you pleasure and a sense of accomplishment. So you are on the right track with that. Learning more about alcoholism would probably help you understand what is going on with him and what you can expect if you decide to continue to live with the disease.
Glad to have you here.
But it's gonna keep getting worse.
Stick around here, you will learn a lot and get a lot of support. I also suggest that you check out Al-Anon, which is a great place for some face-to-face support with people who are dealing with the same kinds of issues that you are.
Ultimately, it's up to you how much tolerance you have for your situation. It sounds like you are already doing a pretty good job of detaching from his behavior around drinking. You are doing things for yourself that give you pleasure and a sense of accomplishment. So you are on the right track with that. Learning more about alcoholism would probably help you understand what is going on with him and what you can expect if you decide to continue to live with the disease.
Glad to have you here.
Skipper
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: South Texas, USA
Posts: 827
I related very much to your story, Lady M. Thank you for sharing it. I know you've already got a lot of independent skills in your toolbox, and that looks great, so far.
I encourage you to keep reading, especially the stickies at the top of all these posts, and keep posting on SR. There are three tools I added to my toolbox to help me with my boundaries, since they kept moving in 'going with the flow' I thought was important to a good relationship and to my former rigid and very independent self:
1. Al-anon meetings.
2. Courage to Change, daily, and especially AA's Big Book that taught me about the progression of alcoholism, even though I'd lived it so many times as an ACOA and then as an Al-anon.
3. "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie, though you would've formerly caught me dead before catching me labeling myself as a 'codependent' (OMG).
Member
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: California
Posts: 383
I'm sorry for what brings you here, LadyM, but very glad you have discovered SR. You will find a lot of support, a lot of experience from others who have traveled this same path and a lot of hope...for you, your daughter and even AH, should he decide he wants it.
I'm also thrilled to hear that you've already begun your journey into your recovery and healing. That is VERY important. I wish I could say that things will all work out lie you hoped they would when you met and then married him, but until HE realizes he has a big problem, gets sick of living as he is and works a program with all his might for recovery for himself, it's going to continue to be hell.
You now have a place to come to earn, to vent, to seek understanding, to receive support, love, empathy and understanding. We are here whenever and how often you need us. Welcome.
I'm also thrilled to hear that you've already begun your journey into your recovery and healing. That is VERY important. I wish I could say that things will all work out lie you hoped they would when you met and then married him, but until HE realizes he has a big problem, gets sick of living as he is and works a program with all his might for recovery for himself, it's going to continue to be hell.
You now have a place to come to earn, to vent, to seek understanding, to receive support, love, empathy and understanding. We are here whenever and how often you need us. Welcome.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: MASSACHUSETTS
Posts: 441
We have all been there sweetie, so you definitely are not alone. Everything you describe is my hubby to a T, especially the passive aggressive BS. I think out of all the BS, that one bugs me the most. I am a straight shooter type and tell it like it is and I think that is why the passive aggressive behavior drives me nuts!! He does it over silly things like where to go to eat.
I suggest trying Al-Anon and reading some co-dependent books. It really helps to be around the people that are dealing with A's themselves. Their insight is so helpful. Everyone here on SR is awesome too so keep posting!
I suggest trying Al-Anon and reading some co-dependent books. It really helps to be around the people that are dealing with A's themselves. Their insight is so helpful. Everyone here on SR is awesome too so keep posting!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 29
Thank you all for the kind words and helpful suggestions- it really means a lot to hear I'm not alone and my independence is a good thing as so often I hear that I'm too "cold and removed" from AH. I feel stronger than ever so his statements sometimes make me wonder if others think that I'm like that ... Then I remember it doesn't matter since it makes me feel good about myself to be independent. 
I am interested in alanon but don't want ah to know I'm going. Part of me feels like I don't have a right to be there since my ah doesn't physically abuse me or miss work or ... Whatever else i feel doesn't entitle me to be there... I know that's not true but it crosses my mind now and then. Maybe I just don't want to face it in that way yet on the other hand I desperately need to hear from others so I don't feel so alone in this- I need talk. And now that I've started to vocalize this to some people I want to talk to everyone - it feels so good and freeing - yet I'm embarrassed and unsure sometimes. I also know that not everyone should know or is comfortable hearing about this.
I let my MIL in on my concern and some of what ah has said that made me realize he has a problem. She is a social worker working in mental health. Her dad is an A as is her youngest bro although he has been in recovery for almost 10 years. She heard me and recognized the victim attitude in the blaming of me for all his issues but asked if maybe he just needed a different job he could be passionate about - maybe that would stop his drinking... His business revolves around his passion and he still drinks so I don't know if a new job would help.
A good friend of mine asked me today if I went to his fks place for a while if that would change things and he would deluxe he has am issue - I don't know... I think it would just be another reason to drink for him.
He has work friends over tonight and they're all drinking... They don't know he drinks like this every night. I can't tell them.
Thank you again for the support! I will gather my courage and strength to go to alanon so I can talkmore freely with others in my situation. Keeping up the soul searching and "self" building to continue seeing the difference between the man I love and the alcoholic - perspective and distance will help me continue to grow more independent and strong within myself.
I am interested in alanon but don't want ah to know I'm going. Part of me feels like I don't have a right to be there since my ah doesn't physically abuse me or miss work or ... Whatever else i feel doesn't entitle me to be there... I know that's not true but it crosses my mind now and then. Maybe I just don't want to face it in that way yet on the other hand I desperately need to hear from others so I don't feel so alone in this- I need talk. And now that I've started to vocalize this to some people I want to talk to everyone - it feels so good and freeing - yet I'm embarrassed and unsure sometimes. I also know that not everyone should know or is comfortable hearing about this.
I let my MIL in on my concern and some of what ah has said that made me realize he has a problem. She is a social worker working in mental health. Her dad is an A as is her youngest bro although he has been in recovery for almost 10 years. She heard me and recognized the victim attitude in the blaming of me for all his issues but asked if maybe he just needed a different job he could be passionate about - maybe that would stop his drinking... His business revolves around his passion and he still drinks so I don't know if a new job would help.
A good friend of mine asked me today if I went to his fks place for a while if that would change things and he would deluxe he has am issue - I don't know... I think it would just be another reason to drink for him.
He has work friends over tonight and they're all drinking... They don't know he drinks like this every night. I can't tell them.
Thank you again for the support! I will gather my courage and strength to go to alanon so I can talkmore freely with others in my situation. Keeping up the soul searching and "self" building to continue seeing the difference between the man I love and the alcoholic - perspective and distance will help me continue to grow more independent and strong within myself.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: By a River
Posts: 83
Welcome Lady M -- I too can SO relate to your story. Much of it mirrors my own.
You have come to the right place --- you will receive a lot of good advice from people who have traveled the same path.
I must tell you that I am very impressed with you! It's so important to not lose yourself in his drinking and to continue to do things which make you happy, despite his drinking. You haven't cared so deeply about him and his drinking that you forgot to care about yourself. You have realized the importance of that much sooner than I did.
There's nothing you can do to control his drinking. Denial is permeating his thinking; blotting out reality and replacing it with a twisted perception that everything is other than what it is. He is using guilt as a manipulative tool. He needs someone to blame for his situation and that someone is you.
You are trying desperately to say the right words or do the right thing to snap him out of his insane behavior...reasoning, threatening, or any tactic that may have formerly affected his actions. But your efforts will be futile - for the simple reason that his brain has been dramatically altered by the alcohol. His addicted brain functions differently than his non-addicted brain did.
And yes, there are two of him: the good guy who wants to do right, and the other guy that only wants to get buzzed. He has another person living inside him that he can't control.
This beast inside him has the power to wipe out reason, willpower and good intentions. This beast has created a perverted reality in his mind in which his obsession with alcohol is obliterating his ability for rational thought.
Continue to pursue your personal goals, interests and pleasures. There's nothing you can do for him until he's good and ready. Be prepared for it to get worse until he gets to that point...if he gets to that point.
HBO had a good series on addiction...it'll help you understand: HBO: Addiction: The Film: Supplemental Film: An Interview with Nora D. Volkow, M.D.
Keep coming back here and sharing - it's been a lifesaver for me.
You have come to the right place --- you will receive a lot of good advice from people who have traveled the same path.
I must tell you that I am very impressed with you! It's so important to not lose yourself in his drinking and to continue to do things which make you happy, despite his drinking. You haven't cared so deeply about him and his drinking that you forgot to care about yourself. You have realized the importance of that much sooner than I did.
There's nothing you can do to control his drinking. Denial is permeating his thinking; blotting out reality and replacing it with a twisted perception that everything is other than what it is. He is using guilt as a manipulative tool. He needs someone to blame for his situation and that someone is you.
You are trying desperately to say the right words or do the right thing to snap him out of his insane behavior...reasoning, threatening, or any tactic that may have formerly affected his actions. But your efforts will be futile - for the simple reason that his brain has been dramatically altered by the alcohol. His addicted brain functions differently than his non-addicted brain did.
And yes, there are two of him: the good guy who wants to do right, and the other guy that only wants to get buzzed. He has another person living inside him that he can't control.
This beast inside him has the power to wipe out reason, willpower and good intentions. This beast has created a perverted reality in his mind in which his obsession with alcohol is obliterating his ability for rational thought.
Continue to pursue your personal goals, interests and pleasures. There's nothing you can do for him until he's good and ready. Be prepared for it to get worse until he gets to that point...if he gets to that point.
HBO had a good series on addiction...it'll help you understand: HBO: Addiction: The Film: Supplemental Film: An Interview with Nora D. Volkow, M.D.
Keep coming back here and sharing - it's been a lifesaver for me.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Lady,
You have every right to go to Al-Anon for YOU. It's for you, not for him. His drinking affects you, so you absolutely qualify. Lots of us have spouses/partners who are not abusive (at least, not intentionally, or physically). Lots of us are with partners who are socially respectable but still have a condition that causes difficulties at home.
Since you already are pretty independent and doing your own thing, it shouldn't be that difficult to get to meetings without having to explain where you are going and what you are doing, if you aren't immediately comfortable sharing the fact that you are going. I found that Al-Anon was a sanity-saver for me.
I suggest you take a look at a couple of books, too. One is "Under the Influence," which does a great job of explaining alcoholism. You can read some excerpts of it here. Another very educational read is AA's "Big Book", and you can read that online here.
You have every right to go to Al-Anon for YOU. It's for you, not for him. His drinking affects you, so you absolutely qualify. Lots of us have spouses/partners who are not abusive (at least, not intentionally, or physically). Lots of us are with partners who are socially respectable but still have a condition that causes difficulties at home.
Since you already are pretty independent and doing your own thing, it shouldn't be that difficult to get to meetings without having to explain where you are going and what you are doing, if you aren't immediately comfortable sharing the fact that you are going. I found that Al-Anon was a sanity-saver for me.
I suggest you take a look at a couple of books, too. One is "Under the Influence," which does a great job of explaining alcoholism. You can read some excerpts of it here. Another very educational read is AA's "Big Book", and you can read that online here.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: California
Posts: 383
I would no longer turn to MIL about this. A new job he can be passionate about is not the problem. Addiction is. Her father and brother are both A's...she's n denial bout her son because she doesn't want to admit that the the beast has struck at her family again. That's my take on this.
Re: Al-Anon...the only thing that needs to be going on for you to belong there is that YOUR life is being effected by an alcoholic. Period. You qualify. Going there is for YOU...it's no about AH. You don't go there to learn how to fix or manage AH, you go to learn how to take care of you. AH will not be discussed. So please don't be afraid of that. I think it will be very beneficial for you to go.
Re: Al-Anon...the only thing that needs to be going on for you to belong there is that YOUR life is being effected by an alcoholic. Period. You qualify. Going there is for YOU...it's no about AH. You don't go there to learn how to fix or manage AH, you go to learn how to take care of you. AH will not be discussed. So please don't be afraid of that. I think it will be very beneficial for you to go.
Skipper
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: South Texas, USA
Posts: 827
Yes, I was going to let you know the only qualifier for attending Al-anon meetings is that your life has been affected by an alcoholic. That's it. My exABF never laid a hand on me. It wasn't until much after I'd started going to meetings that he lost his job. His disease progressed almost exactly as it was described in the Big Book of AA. He's almost unrecognizable right now.
Yes, I also turned to exABF's family, including his mom, about this problem. It was too big for me to handle. His mother also believed that he wouldn't have been drinking if he had a job he loved. Then he lost that job, and now she's starting to see what came first. It's not my place to manage her position in this, so I have not discussed any of this with her in over 6 months. It just doesn't help my recovery, so no more discussing it with her for me.
Al-anon meetings are throughout all hours of the day and evening in my town. Perhaps you can find one that fits into the regular schedule of your weekly yoga or other classes and you can fit one in during that time slot once a week. I don't know, just brainstorming a little....
I hope you find what works for you so you can work it. It's gotten me past a lot of my own barriers, and I didn't even think I had many.
Stay strong!
Yes, I also turned to exABF's family, including his mom, about this problem. It was too big for me to handle. His mother also believed that he wouldn't have been drinking if he had a job he loved. Then he lost that job, and now she's starting to see what came first. It's not my place to manage her position in this, so I have not discussed any of this with her in over 6 months. It just doesn't help my recovery, so no more discussing it with her for me.
Al-anon meetings are throughout all hours of the day and evening in my town. Perhaps you can find one that fits into the regular schedule of your weekly yoga or other classes and you can fit one in during that time slot once a week. I don't know, just brainstorming a little....
I hope you find what works for you so you can work it. It's gotten me past a lot of my own barriers, and I didn't even think I had many.
Stay strong!
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