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getting mad...

Old 06-15-2011, 04:16 PM
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getting mad...

I am in the processing of divorcing my AH who has been a total nightmare during it all, of course. I have been so busy the past couple of months putting out fires, just trying to sell our home, get a new small place, applying for jobs, dealing with lawyers, etc. You get the picture...

Anyway, I was very lucky, we just sold our expensive home that I could only make payments on for a few months. We have to bring $9000 to closing because we only owned the place three years. It will be another $1000 to move, we had to pay $5000 to lawyers, my AH quit his lucrative business this year because he is too much of an alcoholic to work, all in all I just calculated this last year of his addiction has cost us about $100k.

Now, we are very fortunate in many ways, before this breakdown he had a high paying job and I am an excellent saver, so we have enough money to cover all this. I know it could be so much worse! But, I don't have a job yet and he doesn't work anymore and I know we will have nothing left after the divorce. For the first time, I have had a moment to think and I am SUPER angry!!! I want to punch a wall or something that he has put us in this situation with two little kids. And, he doesn't care. He blames me for all of this of course and doesn't see how it's is fault at all.

Can someone please remind me right now that this could be a lot worse? I need some perspective. Having a BAD day!
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Old 06-15-2011, 04:39 PM
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When I have a bad day, my sponsor always suggests writing out a gratitude list.

Are your children fed and clothed? There are millions in this world who aren't.

Do you have running water and electricity? There are millions in this world who don't.

It's the things I tend to take for granted that I must remember are blessings in my life.

I love making gratitude lists. They readjust my attitude pretty quickly.

Sending you supportive hugs from Kansas!
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Old 06-15-2011, 05:23 PM
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I hear you! I am going through the same thing, trying to sell the house and AH drama. Just keep thinking "I AM FINALLY OUT OF CRAZYLAND"!!!

I keep thinking that soon this will all be behind me and I can rebuild my life.
You are almost through the hardest part.

How are you doing on the emotional side of all this? I finally feel that I have turned a corner but then again, I just never know if something will trigger my emotions. Divorce is something I never ever thought I would do but feel I have no choice.
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Old 06-15-2011, 05:36 PM
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This IS the hardest part. I also think the gratitude list is a great way to give ourselves an "attitude adjustment."

Two things that I already see for that list are:

1) You do have enough to cover all of these expenses...due to your efforts and being responsible.
2) Pretty soon you will no longer have to carry the extra weight and listen to his blaming you. HE will be responsible for HIS entire life.

Hope you feel better soon. Your kids are blessed to have such a grounded, caring mom.
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Old 06-15-2011, 06:58 PM
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Yeah, thanks. 99% of the time I try to be positive, and then I have a moment for a while where I am like "how in the he__ did this happen to my life!!!???" I was having a moment like that tonight. I realize I am lucky in many ways and I am blessed to be getting out of Crazyland, I know.
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Old 06-15-2011, 07:03 PM
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I think we all have moments! Lord knows I have had my fair share.
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Old 06-15-2011, 07:40 PM
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Ok, I could give lots of soothing words here but damn...I would be furious too! All of your savings, poof! Little kids, no jobs...life you thought you were going to have, poof!

Here's an idea - go find a safe place away from people (and your kids) and THROW CRAP!

I took a box of dishes and glasses that was destined for Salvation Army and broke every single one in the garage. Concrete floor. Awesome sound! Ok, so I had to clean it all up but it was worth it. That was the one time I just let loose and got destructive. I moved out shortly thereafter.

Some wise SR folks have talked about taking a stack of rocks, label each one with whatever injustice you have endured, and THROW IT! I don't remember now who said that, but thank you... it resonated with me.

Feel your anger - rightful anger - because in order to let it go, we need to feel it and process it first.

I am sorry for your losses. Take good care!
~T
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Old 06-15-2011, 08:09 PM
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I am in the same boat, but my boat is filling up with water - I too had a husband with a high paying job but I did not have the foresight you did to save for this mess. So I have a pile of bills plus almost $5000 in medical expenses from his lastest trip to the ER. I have been a stay at mom for almost 13 years and am now looking for entry level work and the bills are piling up because I have not had time to put the house on the market. But I feel free and my children are happy and at the end of the day the house is quiet and peaceful. There is no price tag on that. Hang in there, put one foot in front of the other and go easy on yourself. I think you can use your anger to fuel a better life for you and your little ones. And it is not your fault any more than my situation is mine, even tho they try to tell us that.
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Old 06-15-2011, 08:20 PM
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Originally Posted by Tuffgirl View Post

Some wise SR folks have talked about taking a stack of rocks, label each one with whatever injustice you have endured, and THROW IT! I don't remember now who said that, but thank you... it resonated with me.

Feel your anger - rightful anger - because in order to let it go, we need to feel it and process it first.
That would've been me. It does WONDERS for letting go of the anger. The same basic idea of the "God Box" but this is physically throwing the things that make you angry away. Draining...but oh sooooo worth it. And no one gets hurt...unless you have bad aim.
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Old 06-15-2011, 09:15 PM
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I'd certainly be furious! Ditto ... making a gratitude list helps. Doesn't mean you have to necessarily FEEL grateful, it gets us more centered and away from strong feelings. You can't be in anger and gratitude at the same time. I start with the basics: my life, my health, my mind (when I have it, lol), the roof over my head, food, ......

You are a brave person.
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Old 06-16-2011, 06:38 AM
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Thanks for your support! It really does help.

One note, I have blocked my STBXAH from my home phone, I have blocked his email and put my cell phone on silent ring because I don't know how to block him. He still manages to call me multiple times a day and sometimes leaves me harassing messages. I have a protective order but I also have a house I am trying to close on later this month and I feel like I can't alienate him completely until he comes to closing. But, he just left me a vm late last night about how he hit his head on a wall (Seriously?!) and how I don't care because I am a cold person and it was so pathetic and whiny it made me happy I am doing all of this, even though it is scary.
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Old 06-16-2011, 06:50 AM
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Originally Posted by Ladybug0130 View Post
Thanks for your support! But, he just left me a vm late last night about how he hit his head on a wall (Seriously?!) and how I don't care because I am a cold person and it was so pathetic and whiny it made me happy I am doing all of this, even though it is scary.
LOL, more quacking. I am a vindictive SOB. The first thing that popped into my mind was that it wasn't hard enough because you are still conscious.

Detach to the best of your ability and look forward to when you can just delete everything from him without reading or listening.

(((hugs)))
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Old 06-16-2011, 07:04 AM
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Heh,

I owned property with the last guy I lived with (not an alcoholic, but a lot of similar behaviors). Everything was in my name (credit issues), but essentially we owned it together and he had contributed SIGNIFICANTLY in the improvement of the property. When I had to extricate myself from the property ownership (a year after we broke up), I did all the footwork and managed to sell it for four times what was owed on the mortgage. Since it was commercial property, and in my name, I was responsible for the taxes (and I was in a high bracket). No way around it.

I drafted an agreement, which he signed, that split the profits in half, and out of his share came money that he owed me and half the projected capital gains taxes. He got a certified check from me for $65k after all was said and done. The SOB had the gall to complain about it. I told him from now on, call my lawyer, we have no reason to talk anymore.

My lawyer got one letter from him, a year later, complaining about the split, and she just sent him a copy of the agreement he signed and my tax return showing what I paid in taxes. Never heard from him again.

My lawyer told me I could basically ignore the agreement and take all the money. That wouldn't have felt right or fair to me, but yeah, it DID **** me off that he was so freakin' ungrateful.

Whatever. I was free of him, and that albatross of a farm, and it was worth it to me to have the freedom. If I'd fought with him over it, it would have been a horrible ordeal.

Look at it this way, you are done. Unscathed. You will build your savings back up. Let it go--you got off cheap.
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Old 06-16-2011, 07:50 AM
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Originally Posted by Ladybug0130 View Post
put my cell phone on silent ring because I don't know how to block him.
Have you tried calling your cell phone provider?
Mine allows me to block up to five numbers for free. I can call them and they'll set it up, or I can log into their online site and do it there.
For an extra $5/mo I can block up to ten numbers, including "unknown" numbers that block caller ID. I did this while XABF was in rehab, because the rehab phone numbers were blocked.

Changing the number is also an option. I just changed mine yesterday, and while it was a hassle to call the people I talk to regularly and inform them of my new number, and change it on all my bills (I don't have a home phone number), it was worth it as well. It feels great, and now I know that the only people who have it are people I want to have it.
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Old 06-16-2011, 08:31 AM
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Yes, it could have been much worse.

Oh, and I changed my cell number too because the X would not stop calling, texting. It is irritating to have to contact people with the new number, but well worth it. My provider did it for free.
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Old 06-16-2011, 12:23 PM
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Not sure who your cell provider is, but I have verizon and all I have to do is log in at verizon.com and there are boxes to fill in the numbers I want to block. snap. done.
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Old 06-16-2011, 12:34 PM
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Hang in there, LadyBug. I can't offer you any advice... just empathy. I'm not there yet, but I'm probably headed for the same nightmare. My AW simply refuses to deal with her drinking, so I feel it's just a matter of time before I have to bail out just to rescue what's left of my life.

The thought of dealing with the lawyers, selling the house, paying off the debts, etc. just makes me want to curl up in a ball.

It is encouraging to read about people who have survived it... that's one of the reasons I stop by here from time to time.

Good luck!
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