FindingPeace1

Hey, all.
Just an update.
no sweeping grandiose wrap up to my marriage and divorce where i am so happy now.

The papers are filed.
STBX has moved to a new state, job and life.
He kindly put my stuff from the house in storage, paid for it and is sending me the key (why is he so kind?).
He is passive and gentle and kind (nowadays. I have to remember he was a punk for a long time). Of course, we don't fight about anything anymore and he is incredible when I leave him be.
It just happens I can't leave him be.
so...
Here I am. Scrambling to keep up with work; working far too many hours a week. Trying to slow down and have a life.

I feel...empty-ish.
Not "so glad I made the choice I did"
not relieved.
not better.
not worse.

I know why I left.
I also know as great as singledom is, I really loved being married.
I loved a partner and a friend through every day.
I loved someone that had your back and was waiting at the end of the day to see how it went.
I loved massages every week.
I loved sharing meals.
I loved being cooked for.
Someone to help with housecleaning and bills and changing my oil!
I loved the inside jokes and nicknames and knowing how someone likes their coffee.
I loved being known.

He wasn't perfect.
But with him went all that goodness...and I miss it.

Singleness gives you time. I like time and quiet time. I do.

I just miss all that team.
I used to complain that he didn't get "team". Emotionally, I mean. If we would disagree, he would go on the defensive.
There was nothing I could do to get him to get we were still a team - even if I had an issue.
But he DID get the physical team.
He was there to do bills and plan trips and snuggle.

I miss snuggling.

I hate to say it's more the details than HIM.
He was great in a lot of ways, but I haven't been perseverating on him, persay.

Encouraging words?

barb dwyer

Maybe just let it be what it is for now because it's so fresh yet.

Carve out some time to hit a few meetings
make some new friends who know how it is

and let some water flow under the bridge
even it it's mixed with tears.

That's perfectly normal too
it's when it goes on for months
and we're still languishing in the pain of it all
that it becomes a problem.

Tuffgirl

After the storm comes a real disturbing sense of calmness. I was not prepared for that. It was foreign and lonely.

As much as I like my space, living like a single person (still married, but separated) again was not my plan. The adjustment has been bittersweet.

The only thing that has helped is time and activity. I keep myself very busy. I read a lot. I talk about my feelings...even if its a foot stomping shout "IT"S NOT FAIR!".

Big hugs to you today, FP. It will get better, this I am experiencing already. Each day gets a little bit better, and I get a little more used to the calm.

seekingcalm

I remember that sadness. Someone here suggested I make a list. You've got one side done. Perhaps write down all the things that you will not miss. Bet there are many.

Hang in there...enjoy getting to know yourself again.

skippernlilg

It wasn't all bad. But the bad that was, was really, really bad.

Massages? I miss 'em too. When I can't really fit a professional massage into the budget, I take a nice warm scented bath with my favorite musical artist right there in the bathroom with me. Then I slip on a silky something. Something about that. The texture. Ahhhhhhhh!!

Meals for me? Sure! I miss those too!! My exABF is the best homemade Italian chef I know. To this day. But I sure let someone treat me to an Italian restaurant last week. And maybe I can learn this on my own. Who knows? I'm grateful for the chance.

Giving ourselves time to learn and grow. What a gift.

I'm talking to you and to myself today.

I'm feeling the funk. More later.

LaPinturaBella

Could be the fact that you are feeling the change now. Not just planning for it or moving towards it. It will feel strange, blah, empty. But not forever. This is an adjustment. And all of those things you listed that you miss? Maybe they will be arriving sooner than you think in a different, healthy package.

Freedom1990

When my ex-fiance (dry drunk) walked out on me and my daughter, I was devastated.

It was good for almost a year with him. Actually it was too good to be true in looking back.

I missed a lot of the things you described.

He was a big snuggler. We often cooked together. He had a wicked sense of humor that made me laugh every time.

It seemed for months on end whenever I was out of the house, like doing my grocery shopping, all I saw were "happy" couples wherever I went.

When I got down to the business of real recovery for myself, and allowed myself to feel the loneliness and cry, to walk through the pain, gradually things did get better and easier.

This too shall pass hon.

FindingPeace1

really, anvil?
a happy, single me?
with as much joy?
proactively engaged in my life, not reacting?
creating my life?
being engaged with my life?
thriving, not surviving?

I wouldn't know the first thing.
honestly.
I think I am blah and waiting for something or someone to make my life as interesting as I see other people's lives.
i am waiting for something or someone to get me to stop working 14 hour days.
i am waiting for something or someone to fix my broken parts.
so what if i can't plan ahead? someone will come along that will make the plans...

but the alternative...changing so much about me...
it sounds...beastly.
so hard.
i'm 37 years stuck this way.
how do i change now?


my next door neighbors are so happy.
They giggle and laugh all the time together.
I think, often, about how i want THAT relationship...

but I am not that woman.
And how can I have all that laughter in my life if I do not bring it?
But I don't have that much light and lightness.
And I don't know how to get it.

I feel like I have it sometimes.
I feel like I have it in certain circumstances.
I feel like it is much easier to have it when other people are that way first.

It feels...impossible to change (so this is how my STBX felt!).

i don't know HOW to be the person I want to be!
I feel like he helped me have the life I wanted (because I couldn't create it on my own)! I liked that life.

Now you are telling me I can LEARN to create that life from and for me??

I have no idea even where to start.
I'm so STUCK being me!

wow.

m1k3

I posted this in another thread but I think it applies here as well

Also I have come to discover that I like me. I no longer need another person to complete me. I already am complete.

Your friend,

outonalimb

((((((((((findingpeace))))))))))))

I posted something kind of similar the other night. I'm going thru something very similar myself...

We're in a state of transition.
It's going to take as long as it takes for us to get our feet back underneath us.
Let's be patient with ourselves.
Let's work on one thing at a time.
For me, I just need to keep working on my recovery.
I need to keep going to meetings...keep coming here...and keep reading my al anon literature.
I know I have alot of healing to do and I'm going to give myself time to do it.
and I reallly believe that slowly but surely I'm going to feel healthy and whole again.

keep plugging away.
one day at a time.
one small change in ourselves at a time.

Hugs...from someone who's right there beside you...

Mary

catlovermi

Whoa, Anvil, that was a home run.

CLMI

LexieCat

FP, I know how you feel. I spent quite awhile feeling at loose ends, like something inside was waiting for "something" or "somebody" to happen, to change it.

The deal is, that's sorta what got us sucked into these relationships to begin with. I put myself on indefinite hiatus from romantic relationships. My last date was more than six years ago.

It was an adjustment (I'd never gone more than a few months without a relationship since High School), but I gotta say, I am finally finding things that I like to do, finally feeling like I can handle home emergencies myself without feeling helpless, finally focusing on things that are making me grow inside as a person.

I'd always felt incomplete without that "soul mate" figure--I was always an appendage to someone else (and no, I didn't, for the most part, choose controlling men--in fact it used to bother me that everything always felt like I had to make all the decisions). But I was always making myself in the image of what that other person wanted.

Trust yourself, give it time. You don't change, overnight. You have a lot to offer the world, you just haven't quite figured out yet how to work it.

m1k3

The problem is that in all of our relationships there wasn't a "we" and in my case there hasn't been for at least 10 years. There was my AW taking and me giving. It wasn't mutual support it was a parasitic relationship. Sadly the codie in me saw this as a good thing and I was proving how much I loved her by supporting her, and she was more than happy to promote that so that she could continue her love affair with booze and pills.

I now see being stuck with just me as a huge improvement over where I was. Your really can't snuggle or share or bond with an alcoholic no more than with a tick. Its not sharing its being violated.

I for one am so happy that I have finally broken free from that sick and toxic relationship and I am NOT going to feel guilty for getting healthy.

Take what you want and leave the rest.

outonalimb

Yes, Mike.
Yes
Yes
Yes

My exah used to profess how much he loved me.
In the beginning, I loved hearing it.
At the end, it grated on my nerves.
It wasn't love.
It was manipulation and exploitation and it was sick. Very very sick.

So glad to be free of it.
Even at my lowest points, still so glad to be free of it.

Freedom1990

Thanks for posting those promises, Anvil! They have come to fruition for me!

FindingPeace1

so, I admit...I haven't been single...almost ever.
In fact, this seperation from my STBX is the longest singleness ever.
I guess I wasn't dealing with that till now.

I don't know how to not be distracted - excited, frustrated, interested, bored in someone else all the time.

I do, actually...I am doing it now.
It's just boring.

I guess, because I am boring (right now).
I don't have good planning skills, which impedes my ability to plan fun things to do in life.
I am seeing how pervasive this issue is at work (and now at home!)
Perhaps I need to work with a therapist on this.
Proactivity.
hmm.

BarelyHere

Finding Peace.....

Many,many years ago I was married for 6 yrs to a serial cheater & serial liar. He was not an addict.
But when we were together things were fine. I was in my early twenties. I finally got brave or angry enough to leave. I mourned that divorce for over a year. I was never thinking I made a mistake.

But I had to mourn what I thought I had. What I wanted. What I dreamed of. Most of it wasn't real. But it was in my heart. I had invested a lot of time & energy in this dream.

I will have to say that IMO you can't look for someone else to make you happy.
You have to learn how to love yourself. Force yourself to go out & do things you never imagined you would do. Think of things you liked to do many years ago.
My doctor told me once...."You have to fake it, til you make it"
I worked out a lot, concentrated on my health, diet, vitamins, etc....

You would be surprised how attracted people are to someone who is happy in their own skin.

Sending you warm thoughts!

m1k3

FP, when I first left my AW I was having very similar issues. I think it was because I was addicted to the chaos. I had lost my center and myself. As I worked my recovery I began to find my self sometimes sitting quietly, not reading, not watching TV, just sitting. I began to realize that this is the way life is supposed to be. The chaos and confusion and adrenaline isn't normal.

Think of this as your codie detox. You will come out the other side centered and stronger that you can believe.

Your friend,

roxiestone

FP,

I am in the same boat, only perhaps a few months ahead of you on the timeline. It does get better - not in big epiphanies, but in smallish doses. I find myself smiling and laughing and building a life.

Some of it takes work and planning - a fulfilling life doesn't just happen, nor does it come as an accessory of a relationship. It's up to us. Al-anon has been helpful, beyond helful, really, as well as taking action towards doing what I want to do. And taking the time to grieve about the lost goodness, as there was goodness there. I miss him terribly - or more acurately, the IDEA of a HIM.

I keep a list - not to bash him with - but to remind myself of how alone I sometimes felt when I was with him. I needed him to be something he was not/couldn't/wouldn't be. And so I am releasing us both to be who we are.

Keep working the steps, reading Codependent No more and each day treat yourself lovingly.

HUGS

m1k3

Admit it, this was just a teaser to get us to check out your new thread.