rose68

I am having a bad day, I am in Al-Anon and read a lot of the books and recognize that my AH has a disease, but sometimes I just get angry. We have been doing pretty good the past week and half and I am proud of the progress I am making in my recovery, but sometimes he does little things that **** me off, I don't think all can be excused as alcoholism. I know other couples who don't deal with this disease that just get angry at each other for minor things. I guess I wondered if it is okay to just get mad at him like normal people for hurting my feelings? I have tried reading, and journaling but still just feel angry. He is at work right now so he don't even know he has had this effect on me. And I don't want him to know that he had that effect on me gives him control over me.

m1k3

Rose, anger is a normal response to alcoholic behavior. Is your AH in recovery or a program?

This is a great site to get information, support and encouragement. Please read the permanent threads (stickies) at the top of the thread page. There is huge amounts of useful information there.

edit: BTW I just noticed this: Alcoholism should not be used as an excuse for his behavior, just as an understanding of what the underlying causes of the behavior might be. Just because you are living with an A doesn't mean you have to excuse and accept his behavior.

rose68

Thanks Mike, I have read the stickys and really got a lot from them. And no he is not in a program, but like I said I don't like to excuse all to alcoholism I think what I am angry about today is just a personality flaw. Guess that is why I was wanting to know was it okay to just be mad as he!! for a little while.

rose68

Darklight, thanks for your response, the reason I said I didn't want him to know is because he is not in recovery and if he finds out something hurts my feelings he will use it at a later date when he is mad just to hurt me. he has before, so at this time I dont trust him enough to share that with him.

m1k3

Rose, I asked the recovery question because it would change how I answered. When dealing with an active alcoholic you have to remember: alcoholics lie, alcoholics manipulate people, alcoholics don't care what you feel. Discussing your feelings with an active alcoholic is a little less productive that discussing them with a piece of furniture. At least the furniture won't, as you said, throw it back in your face.

While Al-anon and SR are great places to learn how to deal with the situation and to vent you should be aware that the stress and anger that you deal with on a daily basis living with an active A has an effect on your body. I have found that a good exercise program gives me a way to burn off the toxins your own body is producing by living in such an environment.

Good luck with your recovery and remember the 3 c's. You didn't cause it, you can't control it and you can't cure it.

Your friend,

rose68

Mike, most days I feel like I may as well talk to the furniture, but seriously I have a great support system in family, friends, sr, and Al-Anon. and I have set up some things that I expect everyday.
Like till he decides to get into a program I expect my husband will drink everyday, that way I am neither surprised or upset when he does.

Expect a difference only when you witness it,
Expect a phone call only when the phone rings,
Expect a person to meet you only when they walk in the door,
Expect love only when you feel it,
Expect respect only when you recieve it,
Expect promises to be kept only after they are.

And darklight, I have only been in Al-Anon for a short period so not started the steps yet although I have been reading them and studing them and realize a lot of the things I do to cause more anxiety instead of peace I am working on them.

m1k3

Rose, a simple question for you, why are you willing to accept this sort of life?

rose68

That is a question I am trying to figure out, my group says to work the program and to not make any decisions till I have started healing some. But it is always in the back of my mind.

m1k3

That is a good answer and I'm glad you are looking at the question. For me, my healing didn't really begin until I moved out and got my self out of the toxic environment. I haven't divorced her or anything like that. At this point in time my focus is my recovery. What will come will come.

I can say that having moved out I feel a whole lot better, I feel centered and serene and I feel like I have regained control of my life. I recognize that that is just me and we each have to walk our own path. I am just offering it as my experience.

Take what you want and leave the rest.

barb dwyer

I think I could share a house with Ghandi
and get pissed off from time to time.

some of it is just the ... close proximity
to another person.

SO for me -= it's perfectly FINE to be pissed off
because it's honest.

Own it
walk it
then walk it off.

thing is
if it doesn't PASS ...
is the time to examine
what's happening
on a deeper level.

For ME -
I have to see if it's something that's really
an injustice 'to me'
or am I hanging on to it
because I need THE OTHER PERSON TO SEE
what I've been hurt by.

I have to figure out for myself which one it is first.

Because I'm a 'last word' kind of person.
It took YEARS for me to be able to
let something end
without saying that 'last thing'.

ANd it'd bother me no end
if I didn't get that satisfaction.

because for ME
that's what it was.

It wasn't really REALLY about
it being important that THEY knew
what THEY had done
it was more important TO ME
that I SAW THEM SEE
what they'd done.

Hope that makes sense.

If journaling and all the other things
haven't made it let up
then that's what *I* would examine next.

ANd it's completely okay
to be angry the entire time doing it...lol

m1k3

Barb, real good post except you left out

And then I would throw it in the front yard

find a lighter

and then

set it on fire.

:-)


Thank you for all the wisdom you have posted here. (I am serious for this part)

barb dwyer

and yelling out the window - "I'm Navajo divorcing your ass!"

yeah.

subtle.

theuncertainty

I agree that it's OK to be angry; it can be a sign that we're not getting something we need (i.e. respect, honesty...). It's what we do with that anger that is important.

A constructive outlet for one person could completely not work for another. And more than one outlet may be needed. I tend to clean when I'm angry - it helps me put the energy to good use, but it doesn't address the underlying reason for the anger. I'm still trying to work out how to deal with the last part: finding out what I'm mad about can sometimes be tricky, working up the courage to address it, acknowledge whether or not it's something I can control, and then figure out what to do is astoundingly hard.

Freedom1990

TakingCharge999

Whenever I feel angry with someone, I know that is the tip of the iceberg.

In reality I am angry with myself for letting things happen, ignoring things that bug me, not placing boundaries, settling for less, not taking control of my life, losing time, etc.

Only in therapy can I understand these things in a deep level, process them, and let the anger go but not its lesson.

LaPinturaBella

Anger can be destructive. As others have said, it is also a warning signal to us to look beneath the "thing" that got us angry and identifying the underlying cause.