vujade

I'm glad you like it. Some people feel that quotes and quips are too crutch-like; that you just say them in lieu of doing. I actually gain so much from them. Kind of like how looking at a photo takes you back to that time in your life, little catch phrases remind me of the lessons I've learned...or am still learning. LOL!

skippernlilg

The more deeply I'm in my own recovery, I'm finding that the validation I seek is coming more and more from within me and my spiritual quest with my HP and really doesn't come from others, especially from those people who are in the grips of addiction.

I've also realized that even two, always sober, never addictive problem people can experience the same situation and come out of it with two completely different perspectives. Memories get jarred, even in the most psychologically healthy individuals.

What I can do is deal with what I remember having happened and my emotions from that. I can make amends to/with those people who were affected by my Codie-isms, and hope that those people who were in the foxholes during 'wartime' with me find their peace and their path.

I remember feeling very upset and resentful that exABF would tell such tall tales on me or sully my reputation with stories that simply weren't true. His not admitting that certain events even happened seemed like such a LIE to me. I felt that I was once more 'covering up' for him if I let him lie like that.

Now, I remember that I really don't have to answer to anyone else or justify my actions, only ask for forgiveness for those things I've done and leave the rest up to my HP to work out successfully. I have faith!

TakingCharge999

Ponder after so many similarities this is yet another one! EXABF said the SAME thing! he was PROUD of it! how much alcohol he could drink was like a badge of HONOR for him. He felt it was cool.

Insanity.

It is very sad to watch, really. I feel for the innocent drivers on his drunken path.


mike I identify with you, my ex was and is a selfish jerk sober and drunk. Once I accepted this fact and forgave me for ever being within a 5 mile radius nearby it got better...

Gladly our life is different now, and we are free from the past.

Carol Star

Was it the "Why Does He Do That ?" book that says they lose the ability to feel guilt and remorse ? It used to drive me nuts. Now I see I was the only one "seeing." I had a "missing him " dream last night about the XAH. I woke up and went oh NO that wasn't the way it was. Watching and reading about these dear ones getting ready to marry their abf's is like watching a trainwreck- but you couldn't have stopped me ! My XAH was so much fun, good looking, charming.....etc.....etc.....and part of me still misses him 4 yrs. post divorce. If he had only found recovery......he didn't. My Doc said being with an alcholic is like having a pretty, red, racecar with no engine in it.....SAD !

m1k3

Agreed. If you haven't got it yet they are just sayings, once you get it those little sayings pack tons of wisdom. I sometimes find myself going back to one of those that I read before and suddenly going , so that's what it means.

They aren't crutches, they are pillars of wisdom and strength.

Your friend,

Ladybug0130

OHMYGOD!!!! This is EXACTLY what has happened with me! My STBXAH is truly convinced I am having an affair with our lawn care guy who I don't even know! I have talked to him for five minutes in my life, about our lawn. He started on it about two months ago when I called the guy for lawn service after I decided I was getting a divorce. The AH started harassing me about it and I thought he was kidding. Two months later he is still totally obsessed with the idea. He told his parents he actually called the lawn care guy to confront him about it. I feel so sorry for the poor guy, I am sure he was scared! It's kind of embarrassing for me, too.

I am glad to hear this has happened to someone else, not that I am glad it happened to you. It's just TOO crazy! I think they honestly don't understand why you would want to divorce them so they have to make up a reason.

TakingCharge999

Reading this thread I realized I no longer expect an apology from XABF, nor anything good really. YAY!! I learned a HW store IS a HW store!!

The red car without engine is a perfect analogy.

And no, no one can give what we or they don't have... they are not in touch with their feelings AT ALL, have ignored them for YEARS or DECADES or ALL their life, why would they suddenly realize how someone else feels? they just can't.

My therapist told me "you accept your feelings, are able to cry.. yet still feel sad... imagine how these people feel with so much stored inside and no outlet"

About compassion, I never feel compassion for XABF, I just don't like where it takes me. I prefer to think of him at his worst. This keeps me away and in reality. I prefer to use my compassion in ... me... I really need it.

forgotten1

i get in this same mindset of anger--the no responsibility whatsoever taken from the ex for all the wrongs that's been done... the futures and potentials thrown away... and the fact that my xabf doesn't remember a d@mn thing (or if he does, he's unable to really understand MY point of view... or is unable to because it would make him look at himself, etc)...

i get in these bouts of anger and i sit around and want to find "vengeance" (which ends up making me feel guilty). i dont wish him physical harm or anything, but i guess just some karmic thing where he ends up being "miserable forever".

i think this... but then, in the next instant i feel horrible... because i realize/remember that NO MATTER how bad i want "vengeance" for the "wrongs done to me"--i realize that he DOES ALREADY HAVE IT SO MUCH WORSE! i cant even wish him anything worse than he's already got! he's living a life of misery, clouded in alcohol, surrounded by superficial friendships and is unable to love life and see beauty around him... he'll never get to fulfill half of the [sober] dreams/goals he had.

then... i go back to "slight anger" at the fact that i cant even be THAT angry at him... that he's already got it so much worse--that his stupid existence even nullifies my wanting a cosmic vengeance... i get angry that i cant really even justify any feelings toward the situation

that's my cycle... anger--compassion--anger--then i laugh... at how ridiculous the entire thing is because even to feel ONE way about the entire situation is nullified.

so the conclusion i come to is that it's just unfair--it's all just one sad, unfair mess that i happened upon in life.

Carol Star

:rotfxkoIt's all normal/natural I think to go back and forth for a while. The Budda said a "resentment" was like holding a hot coal you wish to throw at someone. It just hurts you. It helps to remember how sick they are.