Need your experience here
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 674
Need your experience here
I find myself troubled with a conversation I just had with my RABF. Almost 1 1/2 years sober and in recovery (goes to meetings every day, has a sponsor, many friends from AA). We have been seeing one another for about 5 months, after no contact for a period of time.
Things have been going well, we have a wonderful time together. I have been happy, taking it slow, but we have become closer through it all.
About a week ago, I felt him pull away, and he did a couple of things that felt like he did not care. When he asked, I told him what bothered me. I basically said that actions were more important than words, and if there was nothing to it, then we move forward and will see how things go.
Last night, he left a voicemail which was defensive, and rambling, and so I did not call back until today. When we spoke, again he was defensive, and cold and it took me back to a very bad place in our relationship when he was active. He said things like, "I cannot bat one thousand." What the ??? I gave him another chance, I gave us another chance, is it wrong that I resent that he feels entitled rather than grateful? For the first time, he sounded like he did back then. I don't like to think that I have my guard up, but boy, when I let it down, I feel so hurt, and sad, my stomach hurts. All those bad feelings that I don't want.
I know the answer is to work on me more, and I will, always. I know that resentment is poison. I cannot expect someone else to make me feel good. Or can I? All of a sudden, nothing seems as clear as it did last week.
What I want to know is, do any of you have experiences with recovering alcoholics that you can share? I love this man, and I believe that maybe we can be one of the lucky few. Just doesn't feel that way right now. Are there happy endings? Do those people just not post here? Does it ever work out?
Thank you.
Things have been going well, we have a wonderful time together. I have been happy, taking it slow, but we have become closer through it all.
About a week ago, I felt him pull away, and he did a couple of things that felt like he did not care. When he asked, I told him what bothered me. I basically said that actions were more important than words, and if there was nothing to it, then we move forward and will see how things go.
Last night, he left a voicemail which was defensive, and rambling, and so I did not call back until today. When we spoke, again he was defensive, and cold and it took me back to a very bad place in our relationship when he was active. He said things like, "I cannot bat one thousand." What the ??? I gave him another chance, I gave us another chance, is it wrong that I resent that he feels entitled rather than grateful? For the first time, he sounded like he did back then. I don't like to think that I have my guard up, but boy, when I let it down, I feel so hurt, and sad, my stomach hurts. All those bad feelings that I don't want.
I know the answer is to work on me more, and I will, always. I know that resentment is poison. I cannot expect someone else to make me feel good. Or can I? All of a sudden, nothing seems as clear as it did last week.
What I want to know is, do any of you have experiences with recovering alcoholics that you can share? I love this man, and I believe that maybe we can be one of the lucky few. Just doesn't feel that way right now. Are there happy endings? Do those people just not post here? Does it ever work out?
Thank you.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: the moon, milky way
Posts: 1,250
In my own experience, I find recovery and expectations a problematic area. The important thing to remember is their recovery is first. That is the relationship they have with themselves. It has nothing to do with us but we do feel the ups and downs and that takes a toll.
It is par for the course from what I've learned on SR. But if you love this person, remember the alternative: a relapse. Horrible to witness and lots of guilt came with it for me but I learned a lot about the reality of loving an alcoholic. How much room do you leave for growth in recovery vs. feeling like a doormat.
It won't always be smooth sailing but there is also a special closeness that comes with weathering the rough patches. In any relationship though, when the bad and painful start outweighing the good things then you have to reassess, take a break, or step back for yourself.
Try not to get sucked into his personal demons or battles. Maybe if he is in one of these distant periods, the thing to do is disengage and give him room to sort it out.
As for happy endings, yes I know of some couples that have weathered the storms but rather than look at the reward, look at the day to day and try not to project too much about things in regards to his actions. You'll drive yourself nuts. Go out and have a latte!
It is par for the course from what I've learned on SR. But if you love this person, remember the alternative: a relapse. Horrible to witness and lots of guilt came with it for me but I learned a lot about the reality of loving an alcoholic. How much room do you leave for growth in recovery vs. feeling like a doormat.
It won't always be smooth sailing but there is also a special closeness that comes with weathering the rough patches. In any relationship though, when the bad and painful start outweighing the good things then you have to reassess, take a break, or step back for yourself.
Try not to get sucked into his personal demons or battles. Maybe if he is in one of these distant periods, the thing to do is disengage and give him room to sort it out.
As for happy endings, yes I know of some couples that have weathered the storms but rather than look at the reward, look at the day to day and try not to project too much about things in regards to his actions. You'll drive yourself nuts. Go out and have a latte!
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
I had a happy ending with my first marriage--there were other issues, unrelated to the alcoholism. But he recovered entirely (as entirely as it's possible to recover--he is probably a healthier person, overall, than I am).
Still, when he was newly sober, there were moments when I'd get reminded of how he was when he was drinking. People don't change overnight. It takes time, and it takes work. It takes us awhile to recover from our old knee-jerk reactions, too. We may be hypervigilant, and the old "fight or flight" can hit us unexpectedly when something feels "off". Sometimes it's us, sometimes it's them, sometimes it's both.
Still, when he was newly sober, there were moments when I'd get reminded of how he was when he was drinking. People don't change overnight. It takes time, and it takes work. It takes us awhile to recover from our old knee-jerk reactions, too. We may be hypervigilant, and the old "fight or flight" can hit us unexpectedly when something feels "off". Sometimes it's us, sometimes it's them, sometimes it's both.
Chaotically Peaceful
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: A state of peace
Posts: 322
I consider myself a much healthier person that I was several years ago but yet I still have the tendency to slip into brief codie relapses here and there. Just a week ago, I was throwing clothes all around the bedroom in a frenzy, trying to find that stinkin' vodka bottle. YIPES! I also notice that I get very paranoid when I see some of those "heading toward a bender" behaviors that honestly may nor may not be that. Just triggers me and I start freaking out inside.
Relationships are just hard. Period. I have a friend who has a freakin' storybook marriage from the outside. She has two beautiful daughters, a beach home, and an attractive, loving husband...who works CONSTANTLY. When he is actually around to help and support her, he's a doll. But honestly, until lately I never knew how lonely she felt...what with the surprise Coach bags and vacations and all.
I dunno...I'm certainly not doing a stellar job myself with this relationship stuff. But I do know that it is very chicken and egg when it comes to causes of alcoholism and behaviors caused by alcoholism. What goes away in the early stages of sobriety aren't always just the product of drinking. Like any relationship, we have to ask ourselves if we can find compatibility with the good and the bad...both in others and with ourselves. LOL!
Relationships are just hard. Period. I have a friend who has a freakin' storybook marriage from the outside. She has two beautiful daughters, a beach home, and an attractive, loving husband...who works CONSTANTLY. When he is actually around to help and support her, he's a doll. But honestly, until lately I never knew how lonely she felt...what with the surprise Coach bags and vacations and all.
I dunno...I'm certainly not doing a stellar job myself with this relationship stuff. But I do know that it is very chicken and egg when it comes to causes of alcoholism and behaviors caused by alcoholism. What goes away in the early stages of sobriety aren't always just the product of drinking. Like any relationship, we have to ask ourselves if we can find compatibility with the good and the bad...both in others and with ourselves. LOL!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: carolina girl
Posts: 578
I hate that feeling of deja vu... their voice, the words coming out, remind of something, you just can't put your finger on it... reminds you of when you were in the thick of it.
Alot of people say on here that being in a relationship with someone in recovery is no walk in the park. Especially early recovery. So many changes, realizations, and bumps in the road. Maybe some space between would help a bit? He's going through alot with recovery i'm sure, and you've got yourself to work on as well.
That being said, maybe there is a perfectly good reason why he's pulling away, and sounding the way he did when he was using.
Either way, sometimes it's good to take a step back, and determine if something still works for you. If it's not working anymore, then it might be time to try something else.
Alot of people say on here that being in a relationship with someone in recovery is no walk in the park. Especially early recovery. So many changes, realizations, and bumps in the road. Maybe some space between would help a bit? He's going through alot with recovery i'm sure, and you've got yourself to work on as well.
That being said, maybe there is a perfectly good reason why he's pulling away, and sounding the way he did when he was using.
Either way, sometimes it's good to take a step back, and determine if something still works for you. If it's not working anymore, then it might be time to try something else.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 674
Thank you all so much for your replies. You get it, as I knew you would. That feeling, you can't put your finger on, the gentle shift in the ground beneath you, that once upon a time you would not even notice. But that was then, and this is now, we have all been through so much, and we know so much, and when we open that door again, hoping for the best, sometimes it's hard not to fear the worst.
I asked for happy endings, but what I needed and what I got, is affirmation of my feelings. And you are right, it's about the balance of good and not so good, and how I feel about it, and what I choose to do about it.
Thank you.
I asked for happy endings, but what I needed and what I got, is affirmation of my feelings. And you are right, it's about the balance of good and not so good, and how I feel about it, and what I choose to do about it.
Thank you.
Living in a Pinkful Place
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 7,545
(seekingcalm)
I love your profile name!!
and if that is what you are seeking - Page 131 in the ODAT in Al-Anon book helped me - especially the part that says. . .
"what we are meant to know will come to our knowledge without any action on our part."
This helped me to know that if they were gonna relapse ~ I would know about it when it was time for me to know about it; if it was something else going on, I would know about it when it was time.
It was my responsibility to work my own program of recovery, stay in tuned with my HP, and be willing and open and honest with myself.
My HP had not brought me this far in recovery to not lead me astray again ~ I trusted Him and He took care of me in everyway. Not the way I would have planned, but His planned brought about greated things then I would have ever imagined.
So when i get overwhelmed, anxious and frustrated - I read that page and Say to my God -
"You are prepared for what is ahead, You will guide me thru and let me know what I need to know when I need to know it! Amen"
Just my thoughts & what works for me!
PINK HUGS & prayers for your HP's very best for YOU!
Rita
I love your profile name!!
and if that is what you are seeking - Page 131 in the ODAT in Al-Anon book helped me - especially the part that says. . .
"what we are meant to know will come to our knowledge without any action on our part."
This helped me to know that if they were gonna relapse ~ I would know about it when it was time for me to know about it; if it was something else going on, I would know about it when it was time.
It was my responsibility to work my own program of recovery, stay in tuned with my HP, and be willing and open and honest with myself.
My HP had not brought me this far in recovery to not lead me astray again ~ I trusted Him and He took care of me in everyway. Not the way I would have planned, but His planned brought about greated things then I would have ever imagined.
So when i get overwhelmed, anxious and frustrated - I read that page and Say to my God -
"You are prepared for what is ahead, You will guide me thru and let me know what I need to know when I need to know it! Amen"
Just my thoughts & what works for me!
PINK HUGS & prayers for your HP's very best for YOU!
Rita
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