The Deal After the Deal
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Ashland Oregon
Posts: 256
The Deal After the Deal
My ABF is a reactionary. He told me tonight that he had been planning on asking me to marry him, "and then you'd have your fixer-upper house right in town". But I "ruined it all by going away."
Really? Silly me - I thought we BOTH ruined it, him by drinking and ignoring my values; and me by letting that happen, and thereby validating that behavior.
I would love to have a nice long talk with him about what he wants from a relationship, but I don't think it's going to happen.
My not-beautiful moment of the day came when he accused me of throwing out the baby with the bathwater, and I said, "or gin, as the case may be".
Seriously, I need a muzzle. That was just rude. Funny, but rude.
Yeah, I don't know whether to laugh or cry either. It's hard to say 'let's move on from here' to someone who didn't think anything was wrong!
- Sylvie
Really? Silly me - I thought we BOTH ruined it, him by drinking and ignoring my values; and me by letting that happen, and thereby validating that behavior.
I would love to have a nice long talk with him about what he wants from a relationship, but I don't think it's going to happen.
My not-beautiful moment of the day came when he accused me of throwing out the baby with the bathwater, and I said, "or gin, as the case may be".
Seriously, I need a muzzle. That was just rude. Funny, but rude.
Yeah, I don't know whether to laugh or cry either. It's hard to say 'let's move on from here' to someone who didn't think anything was wrong!
- Sylvie
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Somewhere in the big ole' world....
Posts: 545
I got the same old song and dance....what we "could have had", what could have been IF I hadn't walked out on him.
Of course I played a part in it-I owned up to my crazy making while he is still blaming me for everything. As long as he is still not in recovery, he will never see this and I have stopped trying to make him see this.
Here's reality: I have a house, I have a life, I have my sanity and self respect.
Sylvie, your "non-beautiful moment of the day" made MY day.........
Of course I played a part in it-I owned up to my crazy making while he is still blaming me for everything. As long as he is still not in recovery, he will never see this and I have stopped trying to make him see this.
Here's reality: I have a house, I have a life, I have my sanity and self respect.
Sylvie, your "non-beautiful moment of the day" made MY day.........
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Join Date: May 2005
Location: Upstate NY
Posts: 1,637
Yeah, Slyvie... your non-beautiful moment made my day too!!
I "ruined" it all too... when I so "selfishly" decided that I was worth more than the verbal and physical abuse he was throwing around. Yup, I ruined it when I said I wouldn't tolerate being treated that way and that I was worth more!
Funny, when I asked him if he talked to his friends and family that way... he said, "Oh god no! They'd never talk to me again!"
Yet he was mad at me when I said I was done? What a quacker.
You're 100% right... there is absolutely no way to move on when only one person is rowing. The boat will just keep going in circles.
I "ruined" it all too... when I so "selfishly" decided that I was worth more than the verbal and physical abuse he was throwing around. Yup, I ruined it when I said I wouldn't tolerate being treated that way and that I was worth more!
Funny, when I asked him if he talked to his friends and family that way... he said, "Oh god no! They'd never talk to me again!"
Yet he was mad at me when I said I was done? What a quacker.
You're 100% right... there is absolutely no way to move on when only one person is rowing. The boat will just keep going in circles.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: California
Posts: 383
I'm so dizzy from the illogical circle they ALL seem to think in! Sylvie...really...how dare you go away!?! What are you thinking??? I'm just stunned! ***Said with a smirk on my face and sarcasm dripping from every word.***
I'm really beginning to think alcoholism is a one-way ticket into a completely alternate universe. Unbelievable.
I'm really beginning to think alcoholism is a one-way ticket into a completely alternate universe. Unbelievable.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
Ahh...this one is a classic. And your response was good. I get the same...I left therefore he can't have a relationship with me or his step kids because we aren't living together anymore and I ruined our family.
All I can say anymore is he was forewarned. Lots of times! Why be surprised now that I actually followed through and left? forget about the rest of the quacking...that is what bothers me the most. I told him, he was warned. And I know he would have left me long ago if I had behaved the way he did.
Sheesh...the lengths they go to to protect their ego's.
All I can say anymore is he was forewarned. Lots of times! Why be surprised now that I actually followed through and left? forget about the rest of the quacking...that is what bothers me the most. I told him, he was warned. And I know he would have left me long ago if I had behaved the way he did.
Sheesh...the lengths they go to to protect their ego's.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: carolina girl
Posts: 578
i got the "i was going to ask you to marry me" speech as well. I ruined everything.
Just proof for me on how delusional he was/is. Like Tuffgirl, we had numerous conversations about how I wasn't happy with his drinking, irresponsibility and spending, and I told him many times that I would leave if things didn't change.
He always responded with "i understand, it will never happen again, i promise i'm making changes, whatever it takes I will do to keep us together, just name it and I will do it." How many of you have heard THAT before?
Realizing that the conversations never go anywhere and don't mean anything was my first step in leaving. It really is a waste of my time and his. A couple of months ago, right after I left and was still checking emails to be sure I hadn't left anything behind, (also because I thought it was a good idea to keep tabs on him, which turned out not to be, that's why i highly recommend to newbies not to do it) one of them in particular really got into my head. He wanted me to "just come home, and we'll get married and go to therapy together."
Oh my goodness.
Just proof for me on how delusional he was/is. Like Tuffgirl, we had numerous conversations about how I wasn't happy with his drinking, irresponsibility and spending, and I told him many times that I would leave if things didn't change.
He always responded with "i understand, it will never happen again, i promise i'm making changes, whatever it takes I will do to keep us together, just name it and I will do it." How many of you have heard THAT before?
Realizing that the conversations never go anywhere and don't mean anything was my first step in leaving. It really is a waste of my time and his. A couple of months ago, right after I left and was still checking emails to be sure I hadn't left anything behind, (also because I thought it was a good idea to keep tabs on him, which turned out not to be, that's why i highly recommend to newbies not to do it) one of them in particular really got into my head. He wanted me to "just come home, and we'll get married and go to therapy together."
Oh my goodness.
Skipper
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: South Texas, USA
Posts: 827
A marriage with my exABF would have been the best Horror Film of the Century! I feel like I dodged a bullet. Really, I do.
I'm having trouble keeping my mouth shut, too, Sylvie, but we're works in progress!!
Since exABF has requested No Contact, he has attempted contact me twice as much as usual. Go figure. :ghug3
I'm having trouble keeping my mouth shut, too, Sylvie, but we're works in progress!!
Since exABF has requested No Contact, he has attempted contact me twice as much as usual. Go figure. :ghug3
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