LaPinturaBella

Going NC or not is entirely up to you. I did it because it got to the point that every time we spoke he'd get snarky or just ignore everything and anything I had to say. It would **** me off so much that going NC was the only way to preserve my sanity and get some time to clear my head and really think about this "relationship" and what I wanted. Think of NC as a tool or option...it's there is and when you need it.


Nobody on this forum would say alcoholics don't deserve love. Of course they do! They are just as human as everyone else on the planet. When you see the advice to RUN it's because they are NOT CAPABLE of loving back, of having an honest, deep, emotional connection to anybody else while they are in active addiction. And depending on the underlying issues, some of them aren't capable of those things after getting sober either.

The advice to RUN is because willingly choosing to get involved or stay enmeshed in the chaos of addition will damage YOU...A LOT. Addiction or alcoholism may "not be his fault," but willingly putting yourself in the position to be held hostage; to feel responsible for his addiction; to feel responsible to save him (which you cant..only HE can); to being subjected to being ignored, belittled, demeaned, blamed, told you are the cause, you are the problem, eventually verbal and/or physical abuse...that is a choice...your choice.

You came here because it's already becoming a problem in YOUR life. It's time to start educating yourself. Take the emotion, he love out of the equation. If this was your best friend, or your sister, what would you advise her to do? Start thinking about what you want in a relationship, in a partner. Write it down. Then write down what you have in this relationship...do this an objectively as you can. Sometimes seeing things in black and white really helps us SEE.

You are just as sweet, strong and confident as everyone here. You just don't see it in yourself yet...you just don't believe it yet. And hon, maybe this is the reason you got into this relationship to begin with. maybe your HP wants you to see and believe how valuable you are and the only way to get there was through the pain.

Keep posting. You are already on the way to healing.

Florence

Hi RJ, and welcome!

This is probably the kindest, truest thing on this thread so far. This is 100% true.

But basically everything else everyone said on this thread is also true, it's just not as kind and affirmational.

Everyone here is speaking from personal experience and although what they're saying feels harsh right now, if you stick with this guy you will find that alcoholism, and your alcoholic, are not snowflakes. Alcoholism is basically the same from case to case to case, and one of the terrible delusions of it is the thinking that this disease, or this alcoholic, is different from all the rest. It's not. You'r guy doesn't look all that bad yet for a combination of reasons, and I suspect that the primary ones are 1) you don't know 100% of the truth about his drinking and drinking behaviors, and 2) if he's still socially functional it's because he's at that point in the disease's progression.


You know the old "tip of the iceberg" cliche? Having a relationship with an alcoholic is like that. You see a little bit above the surface, and sure it's cold and a little intimidating, but you're strong and smart and you can handle it, right? But what you can't see right now, since you're just now finding your scuba gear and getting acclimated to the weather, is that this iceberg is deeper, darker, and colder than anything you've experienced before. It's deeper, darker, and colder than anything you can fathom right now.

To extend the metaphor, we've all been swimming around this iceberg for years. We visited the iceberg, then decided to build a little house on the iceberg, raise kids on the iceberg, talked endlessly about the iceberg, got grants to study the iceberg, and when the grants ran out we went deep into debt trying to throw money at the iceberg. We took pick-axes and blowtorches and blowdryers to that iceberg. Some of us tried to figure out how deep and dark it really was down there and have spent lifetimes trying to get back to the surface.

But the real question is: Who the **** wants to live on an iceberg?

coffeedrinker

WELCOME to S/R, rhoda.

There are many who do believe in the disease model of alcoholism. I came to understand it as such when I looked at the word DISEASE / DIS-EASE.
They sure are at a dis ease, are they not?

Like many types of illness - mental illness for sure being one - even though people didn't choose to "get it", how they deal with it, manage it, is very much up to them and their choices.

The bottom line, is that whether it's his "fault" or not, you have every right to decide how you wish to live YOUR life, and who is in it, and how they can treat you.

Peace...