New - could use some help
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2,163
ZRZ1200R,
Your post is fantastic, Rhodajinny, please try to understand what zrz is saying. Somehow you have to separate the facts, from your emotions, only then will it become clear that you are about to get burned. Your dad is probably so very worried about you that he said everything at once. Parents do that when they upset, we are only human.
Your post is fantastic, Rhodajinny, please try to understand what zrz is saying. Somehow you have to separate the facts, from your emotions, only then will it become clear that you are about to get burned. Your dad is probably so very worried about you that he said everything at once. Parents do that when they upset, we are only human.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: carolina girl
Posts: 578
Im glad that I could help in any way Rhoda, i think one reason is because I have been where you are standing, numerous times. So many of us have, it's amazing. You are not alone.
One of the hardest things you will ever do is walk into your first Alanon meeting. You may not even get a word out, and cry the whole time. That's what I did. Don't remember a thing that was said. But I remember feeling welcomed, and comforted, and the feeling of being where I was supposed to be before the hour was even up. Making the decision to walk through those doors was live changing for me. I know you can do it.
I posted something about my meeting today on my blog, figured I'd try that out, never blogged before. When you get a chance, take a look.
Keep coming back, we are hear as long as you need us.
One of the hardest things you will ever do is walk into your first Alanon meeting. You may not even get a word out, and cry the whole time. That's what I did. Don't remember a thing that was said. But I remember feeling welcomed, and comforted, and the feeling of being where I was supposed to be before the hour was even up. Making the decision to walk through those doors was live changing for me. I know you can do it.
I posted something about my meeting today on my blog, figured I'd try that out, never blogged before. When you get a chance, take a look.
Keep coming back, we are hear as long as you need us.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 86
Yes, alcoholism is a disease. It is progressive and gets worse if not arrested. It cannot be cured, only arrested. This disease is pervasive and has taken over my good thoughts alot of times. I get very resentful about how much time and energy I use over this disease. There's Al-Anon, counseling, family counseling with him during his IOP, cruising this site (love it, though), the crying, sleepless nights, the worrying. If I charged my hourly rate for all the time I spend, I'd be a very rich woman! 
You have your whole life before you, you will find someone who has those qualities you adore in your abf, but without the alcoholism. Dam#, the lying is probably the worst part of it me for me. Drink if you must, but don't lie to me!! That's my number 1 "red button" - liars. If your ABF has told you for a year he's not drinking, then admits he has been - there are at least 365 lies being told.
There's a great thread here about what normies don't know. I suggest you read it and I also suggest that if there are 6 to 10 things (or even 2 or 3) posted that remind you of your situation, RUN and don't walk away from this guy.
Take what you like, and leave the rest. God bless you!
You have your whole life before you, you will find someone who has those qualities you adore in your abf, but without the alcoholism. Dam#, the lying is probably the worst part of it me for me. Drink if you must, but don't lie to me!! That's my number 1 "red button" - liars. If your ABF has told you for a year he's not drinking, then admits he has been - there are at least 365 lies being told.
There's a great thread here about what normies don't know. I suggest you read it and I also suggest that if there are 6 to 10 things (or even 2 or 3) posted that remind you of your situation, RUN and don't walk away from this guy.
Take what you like, and leave the rest. God bless you!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 10
zrx1200R, that post really resonated with me. I'm going to try and take it in. thanks for writing it
kittykitty, thank you -- I think I might try and go to one tonight. Do you see any benefit in bringing a supportive friend, or is this something you really have to do by yourself?
Thanks for the sweet message, Portia123. I read the thread and it was very sobering and scary. But there actually wasn't anything on there that reminded me of my situation. The lying was the absolute worst thing that happened.
But you know what gives me hope? I didn't find out about the lying. He told me. It must have been killing him to lie for so long (and it wasn't actually a year, 10ish months, which doesn't really matter but I figure I should correct myself...I was exaggerating, so) and he opened up to me. And at first it was just me, but then he told everyone, his friends and family and his boss, too...I just think that's a good sign. I know it doesn't make up for anything but I still think it's a good sign.
I'm not trying to make excuses for him or say that it's not bad, or that I am going to get back together with him, but I just still care for him and wish him the best, and I think there's hope for him, you know?
Thanks for the sweet responses, everyone.
kittykitty, thank you -- I think I might try and go to one tonight. Do you see any benefit in bringing a supportive friend, or is this something you really have to do by yourself?
Thanks for the sweet message, Portia123. I read the thread and it was very sobering and scary. But there actually wasn't anything on there that reminded me of my situation. The lying was the absolute worst thing that happened.
But you know what gives me hope? I didn't find out about the lying. He told me. It must have been killing him to lie for so long (and it wasn't actually a year, 10ish months, which doesn't really matter but I figure I should correct myself...I was exaggerating, so) and he opened up to me. And at first it was just me, but then he told everyone, his friends and family and his boss, too...I just think that's a good sign. I know it doesn't make up for anything but I still think it's a good sign.
I'm not trying to make excuses for him or say that it's not bad, or that I am going to get back together with him, but I just still care for him and wish him the best, and I think there's hope for him, you know?
Thanks for the sweet responses, everyone.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 86
I'll try to go to an Al-anon meeting, too, I'm just kinda nervous
I was very nervous at my first AlAnon meeting. Just to walk in the door took alot of guts and resolve on my part. When I walked in, I was hurting, sick, and confused. My AFG peeps are so kind, supportive and loving. It quickly became easier for me to walk in the door. 2 years later, I'm still showing up.
As they say at the end of my meetings, "Keep coming back, it works if you work it, cuz you're worth it"....
You're welcome for my post. If you haven't seen anything on the "what normies don't know" thread, I can almost guarantee if you are with this guy long enough, the list will start. Although your reading it and seeing some signs is helpful at this point? Just my opinion - take what you like and leave the rest. God's speed to you! XOXO
I was very nervous at my first AlAnon meeting. Just to walk in the door took alot of guts and resolve on my part. When I walked in, I was hurting, sick, and confused. My AFG peeps are so kind, supportive and loving. It quickly became easier for me to walk in the door. 2 years later, I'm still showing up.
As they say at the end of my meetings, "Keep coming back, it works if you work it, cuz you're worth it"....
You're welcome for my post. If you haven't seen anything on the "what normies don't know" thread, I can almost guarantee if you are with this guy long enough, the list will start. Although your reading it and seeing some signs is helpful at this point? Just my opinion - take what you like and leave the rest. God's speed to you! XOXO
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
Hi rhoda,
I am sorry you are going through this...
You are not the only person who can be his friend. I suggest distancing yourself from him, at least for a while. He can reach out to others that get him.
Its time to reach out to others that get YOU and can help YOU. Alanon, SR, therapist...
Only when I distanced from an alcoholic ex did I start to have some clarity about the whole thing.
Time to think about YOU now.
Why is it ok for a boyfriend (or even a FRIEND) to lie to you? for 10 months? not even for a DAY would it be OK in my book. What's next? imagine he had lied about cheating with you? what's the difference... lies are lies. People here have got STDs due to a lying "partner". Those are not partners but parasites. Selfish parasites. Granted they may not LOOK that way. But they are.. their actions show it.
Your family is the one who loves you more than anyone else can, especially your mom.
She has walked the walk too and wants the best for you. I say this because I went out with many losers and finally my therapist and my mom were telling me the same thing, I trusted they knew better than me and were looking after me. So finally I am SINGLE and see people according to their actions, and I no longer spend so much time in their world. I am starting to spend time in mine... time for you to do the same, you got many things going on for YOU! all those are HIS issues, let him handle them.
Addicts, liers, manipulators, toxic people, anyone who separates you from YOUR family and friends, and makes you feel so lost and sad is just not good for you, period. I felt so sad and alone and thought no one would ever get me. Guess what? all those were feelings my EX had and still has.
He was passing them to me and I was accepting them. But 2 years later I realize those were never mine. He was isolated, he wanted to isolate me. He felt hopeless, he wanted me to feel hopeless. Until I was done abandoning myself and MY needs. Heck I didn't even listen to MY favorite songs, then! I thought "poor him, only I get him" well when I left it only took what, like a couple of days until he got some other girl and proceed to act as if I never existed.
He is the same person. And its OK. I have changed, thank God and that's all that matters!
There are wonderful healthy people out there who would never for one second DREAM of harming you, or lying to you (or anyone else). You don't lie do you? so its only fair people don't lie to you either. A relationship can only exist between equals...
A therapist helped me through this process, helped me see reality.
I am sorry you are going through this...
You are not the only person who can be his friend. I suggest distancing yourself from him, at least for a while. He can reach out to others that get him.
Its time to reach out to others that get YOU and can help YOU. Alanon, SR, therapist...
Only when I distanced from an alcoholic ex did I start to have some clarity about the whole thing.
Time to think about YOU now.
Why is it ok for a boyfriend (or even a FRIEND) to lie to you? for 10 months? not even for a DAY would it be OK in my book. What's next? imagine he had lied about cheating with you? what's the difference... lies are lies. People here have got STDs due to a lying "partner". Those are not partners but parasites. Selfish parasites. Granted they may not LOOK that way. But they are.. their actions show it.
Your family is the one who loves you more than anyone else can, especially your mom.
She has walked the walk too and wants the best for you. I say this because I went out with many losers and finally my therapist and my mom were telling me the same thing, I trusted they knew better than me and were looking after me. So finally I am SINGLE and see people according to their actions, and I no longer spend so much time in their world. I am starting to spend time in mine... time for you to do the same, you got many things going on for YOU! all those are HIS issues, let him handle them.
Addicts, liers, manipulators, toxic people, anyone who separates you from YOUR family and friends, and makes you feel so lost and sad is just not good for you, period. I felt so sad and alone and thought no one would ever get me. Guess what? all those were feelings my EX had and still has.
He was passing them to me and I was accepting them. But 2 years later I realize those were never mine. He was isolated, he wanted to isolate me. He felt hopeless, he wanted me to feel hopeless. Until I was done abandoning myself and MY needs. Heck I didn't even listen to MY favorite songs, then! I thought "poor him, only I get him" well when I left it only took what, like a couple of days until he got some other girl and proceed to act as if I never existed.
He is the same person. And its OK. I have changed, thank God and that's all that matters!
There are wonderful healthy people out there who would never for one second DREAM of harming you, or lying to you (or anyone else). You don't lie do you? so its only fair people don't lie to you either. A relationship can only exist between equals...
A therapist helped me through this process, helped me see reality.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: California
Posts: 383
Hi Rhoda. OK, so he told you he lied to you...after doing so for 10 months, every day, every hour, every second. That's a lot of lying. Maybe he does feel guilty about it. Maybe it's being "honest with you," in an attempt to manipulate you back into a relationship with him. I went through something similar...my exABF would throw out an "honest" statement every once in a while, deigned to suck me back into the torturous relationship. These honest comments ALWAYS happened when I was out the door.
You've been told that alcoholics are black holes and parasites. Both statements are true. they are also Emotional Vampires...people who will take and take and take from you and NEVER give back the emotional support and love you need and deserve. The pain will lessen. I promise. Perhaps you should try going NC (no contact). Don't answer his phone calls, don't call him, done send him e-mails or text messages, don't read any e-mails or texts he sends you. I literally had to tell myself he had died in order to stay NC...and it was the SINGLE BEST THING I EVER DID...for ME.
You deserve a great guy who gets you, who loves you, who shares his life with you, who cherishes you...not a guy slowly committing suicide who needs you around to belittle and emotionally ignore because it makes HIM feel better.
This sadness will pass. And your life will be so sweet!
You've been told that alcoholics are black holes and parasites. Both statements are true. they are also Emotional Vampires...people who will take and take and take from you and NEVER give back the emotional support and love you need and deserve. The pain will lessen. I promise. Perhaps you should try going NC (no contact). Don't answer his phone calls, don't call him, done send him e-mails or text messages, don't read any e-mails or texts he sends you. I literally had to tell myself he had died in order to stay NC...and it was the SINGLE BEST THING I EVER DID...for ME.
You deserve a great guy who gets you, who loves you, who shares his life with you, who cherishes you...not a guy slowly committing suicide who needs you around to belittle and emotionally ignore because it makes HIM feel better.
This sadness will pass. And your life will be so sweet!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 10
I just found out that some of his friends are angry with me and are saying awful things about me. They're mad because they think I wasn't being "supportive" by breaking up with him. I know it shouldn't matter, but it hurts to hear that.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Del Rio, TX
Posts: 380
In 20 years from today, will it matter one little bit what these people think of you today?
Or, in an alternative future: You place great stock in what these people think, and decide to "tough it out" with you man. 20 years from now, after he's spent $100,000+ of your dollars and you're wondering what happened to the past 2 decades, do you think any of these people you mention will be around to help you put your life back together?
choose wisely. You only get one shot at this life. And it's a better life without an alcoholic.
Or, in an alternative future: You place great stock in what these people think, and decide to "tough it out" with you man. 20 years from now, after he's spent $100,000+ of your dollars and you're wondering what happened to the past 2 decades, do you think any of these people you mention will be around to help you put your life back together?
choose wisely. You only get one shot at this life. And it's a better life without an alcoholic.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: the moon, milky way
Posts: 1,250
A million stories from this board aren't going to pursuade you if your heart has made up its mind.
But you have to be realistic about the disease and the person with it. I would strongly suggest reading Under the Influence by Millam and Ketchum. It helped me understand how the disease progresses.
Alcohol is about numbing feelings, not about feeling real feelings. His real love is alcohol and that isn't a dramatic statement. It is what he spends most of his time thinking about, seeking out and experiencing. Not your love.
That is a universal with alcoholics. Sweet guy or not makes no difference, you are not getting the REAL person. The alcohol may be making him sweet (for now) or may be allowing him to express 'feelings' but the real person is a very different person.
My RABF is a very sweet and kind man when he drinks. Loving, caring, romantic.. and also cannot hold down a job, apartment or car because of his alcoholism. He wasn't always like that, it progressed to this point. I know him sober and sober him is a very different person in many respects. I jokingly think I like the alcoholic him better but that just goes to show how it alters their personality.
I guess my point is, this man you 'think' you know, you do not know. He leads a double life basically. He lied to you about drinking, probably about a lot of other things as well (women?) so do your research. You did the right thing by breaking up with him. Let him figure this out but he has already lost a great girlfriend and stands to lose a lot more unless he seeks recovery.
I'd wager to say his telling you his 'truth' was more to see how you'd react and if you'd still accept him AND his other love, the bottle... not because he is an honest and swell guy.
But you have to be realistic about the disease and the person with it. I would strongly suggest reading Under the Influence by Millam and Ketchum. It helped me understand how the disease progresses.
Alcohol is about numbing feelings, not about feeling real feelings. His real love is alcohol and that isn't a dramatic statement. It is what he spends most of his time thinking about, seeking out and experiencing. Not your love.
That is a universal with alcoholics. Sweet guy or not makes no difference, you are not getting the REAL person. The alcohol may be making him sweet (for now) or may be allowing him to express 'feelings' but the real person is a very different person.
My RABF is a very sweet and kind man when he drinks. Loving, caring, romantic.. and also cannot hold down a job, apartment or car because of his alcoholism. He wasn't always like that, it progressed to this point. I know him sober and sober him is a very different person in many respects. I jokingly think I like the alcoholic him better but that just goes to show how it alters their personality.
I guess my point is, this man you 'think' you know, you do not know. He leads a double life basically. He lied to you about drinking, probably about a lot of other things as well (women?) so do your research. You did the right thing by breaking up with him. Let him figure this out but he has already lost a great girlfriend and stands to lose a lot more unless he seeks recovery.
I'd wager to say his telling you his 'truth' was more to see how you'd react and if you'd still accept him AND his other love, the bottle... not because he is an honest and swell guy.
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
Originally Posted by LaPinturaBella 
I literally had to tell myself he had died in order to stay NC...and it was the SINGLE BEST THING I EVER DID...for ME.
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
rhoda the same happened to me... all the "common friends" turned out to be on "his side" and also believing his lies and they told me he was a good guy that never spoke badly about me (hah!) and that "he was just confused" and "he was just very young"
Gladly I was already on SR and reading sane posts from sane people who were also in my shoes, because all those comments from people in real life just made me feel worse. I heard so many of them. Until I blocked them from facebook, ignored them, or asked not to talk about the topic. I had to put some boundaries.
Not a single one called ME and asked me how I was doing, or wanted to hear my story, or helped me move out ... NOTHING. So I ended up not talking to them either. Some criticized me because I was not "mature enough" to accept they were also his friends and be OK knowing said common friends were also partying with him and his new girlfriend. They were all very happy and I was the only one sad and angry.
I am sorry, perhaps for common people, we can keep common friends, but with an abuser and an addict, the pain they cause... no one that knew what I went through that truly cared for me would speak to him. I am not being dramatic, just saying I just wouldn't consider someone cares for me could also have some kind of relationship or friendship with a guy like that.
Anyway, my point is that, this is also a good chance to know who is on your side, and seek your real friends that know you and truly care! you know who those are. Time to call them... time to see them. Others can think whatever, they are not in your shoes, they may also be in denial about his issue or minimize it... honestly, I learned the hard way almost no one gets it in real life... only in therapy, AA, talking to Alanon people, group therapy, here in SR... people get how it is like..
You owe explanations to no one. It takes guts to do what you are doing, and even when its superpainful at first, it gets so much better. How many stay just because of what others would think? or because they can't imagine anything better? they end up destroyed. You are taking charge of your own life. That is wonderful.
Seek your real life support system, family, alanon, continue posting here, spend time with pets, friends, alone; if you are religious, turn to your faith... play the music you like, go to a spa, go get manicure, cook something great for you...I thought those were dumb things but turned out every little thing I did for ME was MAJOR and helped me remember I matter and I am the one looking after myself, no one else; I am the one who knows how I prefer my french toast (two triangles, one with dulce the leche and the other with raspberry jam), I am the one who knows how I truly feel and can be compassionate enough to allow me feel those feelings safely.. I am the one who can cry and tell myself: "TC999, don't be afraid to cry, it is ok. Get it all out of your heart. Of course this hurts but you are strong...".
In summary, rhoda needs to meet rhoda, and build a safe and healthy relationship with her from now on. You will start getting hooked with her and realize how smart she is, and how many good things she deserves; it will be downhill from there... Paris, yes many visits to Paris... and to wherever you wish... friends? yes, many good friends. Boyfriend? a wonderful boyfriend who can appreciate you, someone true to himself... love? much love, true love, falling in love with someone, falling in love with you, falling in love with your life, falling in love with Life in general.
It gets so much better hang in there
Gladly I was already on SR and reading sane posts from sane people who were also in my shoes, because all those comments from people in real life just made me feel worse. I heard so many of them. Until I blocked them from facebook, ignored them, or asked not to talk about the topic. I had to put some boundaries.
Not a single one called ME and asked me how I was doing, or wanted to hear my story, or helped me move out ... NOTHING. So I ended up not talking to them either. Some criticized me because I was not "mature enough" to accept they were also his friends and be OK knowing said common friends were also partying with him and his new girlfriend. They were all very happy and I was the only one sad and angry.
I am sorry, perhaps for common people, we can keep common friends, but with an abuser and an addict, the pain they cause... no one that knew what I went through that truly cared for me would speak to him. I am not being dramatic, just saying I just wouldn't consider someone cares for me could also have some kind of relationship or friendship with a guy like that.
Anyway, my point is that, this is also a good chance to know who is on your side, and seek your real friends that know you and truly care! you know who those are. Time to call them... time to see them. Others can think whatever, they are not in your shoes, they may also be in denial about his issue or minimize it... honestly, I learned the hard way almost no one gets it in real life... only in therapy, AA, talking to Alanon people, group therapy, here in SR... people get how it is like..
You owe explanations to no one. It takes guts to do what you are doing, and even when its superpainful at first, it gets so much better. How many stay just because of what others would think? or because they can't imagine anything better? they end up destroyed. You are taking charge of your own life. That is wonderful.
Seek your real life support system, family, alanon, continue posting here, spend time with pets, friends, alone; if you are religious, turn to your faith... play the music you like, go to a spa, go get manicure, cook something great for you...I thought those were dumb things but turned out every little thing I did for ME was MAJOR and helped me remember I matter and I am the one looking after myself, no one else; I am the one who knows how I prefer my french toast (two triangles, one with dulce the leche and the other with raspberry jam), I am the one who knows how I truly feel and can be compassionate enough to allow me feel those feelings safely.. I am the one who can cry and tell myself: "TC999, don't be afraid to cry, it is ok. Get it all out of your heart. Of course this hurts but you are strong...".
In summary, rhoda needs to meet rhoda, and build a safe and healthy relationship with her from now on. You will start getting hooked with her and realize how smart she is, and how many good things she deserves; it will be downhill from there... Paris, yes many visits to Paris... and to wherever you wish... friends? yes, many good friends. Boyfriend? a wonderful boyfriend who can appreciate you, someone true to himself... love? much love, true love, falling in love with someone, falling in love with you, falling in love with your life, falling in love with Life in general.
It gets so much better hang in there
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
TC has a good point--their opinions are based on what he is saying. AND, how do you KNOW what they are saying? Is he telling you? Are you reading FB or something?
Just because people say stuff doesn't make it so.
AND these are HIS friends, not yours. Do you have any friends of your own?
I REALLY strongly urge you to get to Al-Anon. Trust me, you will be with people who know EXACTLY what you are feeling.
Just because people say stuff doesn't make it so.
AND these are HIS friends, not yours. Do you have any friends of your own?
I REALLY strongly urge you to get to Al-Anon. Trust me, you will be with people who know EXACTLY what you are feeling.
Skipper
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: South Texas, USA
Posts: 827
Rhoda,
Your story really hits home for me, and you may not think it now, but you are actually helping some people along the way.
The way that you're posting and thinking is exactly what my book "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie is recommending to do: Slow Down, and really think. With time, many things will be revealed to you. You don't have to make a decision about anything right now. Give yourself time. Give yourself you! :day6
About those friends of his. I found out that an alcoholic will gravitate to whomever validates him and his decision to drink. Anything that supports his drinking, that's where he'll be. You and I know those are never real 'friends', but it's not our job to teach that to anybody else! So, if his friends say negative things about you, like "she's not suportive" they're really saying, "she has boundaries and watches out for herself" which isn't such a bad thing, after all!
I suspect that anyone who gets wrapped up with your exABF will wonder when and how they can also make the boundaries you have been so smart to set up.
Take care of you!
Your story really hits home for me, and you may not think it now, but you are actually helping some people along the way.
The way that you're posting and thinking is exactly what my book "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie is recommending to do: Slow Down, and really think. With time, many things will be revealed to you. You don't have to make a decision about anything right now. Give yourself time. Give yourself you! :day6
About those friends of his. I found out that an alcoholic will gravitate to whomever validates him and his decision to drink. Anything that supports his drinking, that's where he'll be. You and I know those are never real 'friends', but it's not our job to teach that to anybody else! So, if his friends say negative things about you, like "she's not suportive" they're really saying, "she has boundaries and watches out for herself" which isn't such a bad thing, after all!
I suspect that anyone who gets wrapped up with your exABF will wonder when and how they can also make the boundaries you have been so smart to set up.
Take care of you!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 10
You guys are really amazing. This board seems to be full of really kind and strong people, so it's nice to have something to aspire to!
Thank you for your kindness.
Thank you so much, TakingCharge999 -- that was really a beautiful post, very inspiring, I feel like I could do those things and start to feel better. Your last two paragraphs I think really resonated with me and could really help me out. You are such a sweet person.
I don't know if I can do NC yet... I honestly do realize that it will probably be the best thing in the long run, as that's the advice I've been getting, but right now? I don't think it's right for me. But I think I might be able to get there if it's necessary. I still don't feel any anger toward him, or anything like that, because I still truly believe he's a great person. And it seems so unfair that alcoholics don't deserve love (I know that's not what you're saying, but whenever I see advice to people who are involved with/thinking about becoming involved with alcoholics, it always seems to be RUN!) when it’s not necessarily their fault. I feel awful for him. And I feel awful for me. I wish things were different. But I feel that I have been learning a lot about reading about your stories and experiences, and I hope to check out the books you have recommended as well.
I do have friends, I'm just not nearly as close with any of them as I am to him... Sometimes I feel like he knows me better than anyone. I'm sorry, I feel like I can't stop this romantic gushing, but I figure that's normal for this time. Hopefully I'll be able to move on, eventually. I know it takes time.
I didn't end up going to an Al-Anon meeting last night, because I don't have a car, but I'll try to bike to one that's a little closer next week.
You people are truly wonderful... if going through all this pain is what made you so sweet and strong and confident then I guess it'll be worth it for me.
Thank you for your kindness.
Thank you so much, TakingCharge999 -- that was really a beautiful post, very inspiring, I feel like I could do those things and start to feel better. Your last two paragraphs I think really resonated with me and could really help me out. You are such a sweet person.
I don't know if I can do NC yet... I honestly do realize that it will probably be the best thing in the long run, as that's the advice I've been getting, but right now? I don't think it's right for me. But I think I might be able to get there if it's necessary. I still don't feel any anger toward him, or anything like that, because I still truly believe he's a great person. And it seems so unfair that alcoholics don't deserve love (I know that's not what you're saying, but whenever I see advice to people who are involved with/thinking about becoming involved with alcoholics, it always seems to be RUN!) when it’s not necessarily their fault. I feel awful for him. And I feel awful for me. I wish things were different. But I feel that I have been learning a lot about reading about your stories and experiences, and I hope to check out the books you have recommended as well.
I do have friends, I'm just not nearly as close with any of them as I am to him... Sometimes I feel like he knows me better than anyone. I'm sorry, I feel like I can't stop this romantic gushing, but I figure that's normal for this time. Hopefully I'll be able to move on, eventually. I know it takes time.
I didn't end up going to an Al-Anon meeting last night, because I don't have a car, but I'll try to bike to one that's a little closer next week.
You people are truly wonderful... if going through all this pain is what made you so sweet and strong and confident then I guess it'll be worth it for me.
Skipper
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: South Texas, USA
Posts: 827
[QUOTE=rhodajinny;3002335] And it seems so unfair that alcoholics don't deserve love (I know that's not what you're saying, but whenever I see advice to people who are involved with/thinking about becoming involved with alcoholics, it always seems to be RUN!) when it’s not necessarily their fault. I feel awful for him. QUOTE]
I think you're right, that we are all deserving of love. However, an alcoholic isn't ready to participate in the great things love has to offer when they're all mucked and mired in the disease. They just cannot. And we don't have to be the people who participate in giving the love that falls on the floor.
Only he can 'make it all better' for himself. No one else can.
Same for you, though. Only you and your relationship with your HP can make it all better for you. Try experiencing that level of love, and you'll understand.
I hope you do bike to your nearest meeting. The biking will get those endorphins up; how exhilerating!
I'm grateful for the newfound relationship I have with my HP. I'm relearning the deep love I have the capacity to experience. It's a connection I don't know how I've done without for so long.
I think you're right, that we are all deserving of love. However, an alcoholic isn't ready to participate in the great things love has to offer when they're all mucked and mired in the disease. They just cannot. And we don't have to be the people who participate in giving the love that falls on the floor.
Only he can 'make it all better' for himself. No one else can.
Same for you, though. Only you and your relationship with your HP can make it all better for you. Try experiencing that level of love, and you'll understand.
I hope you do bike to your nearest meeting. The biking will get those endorphins up; how exhilerating!
I'm grateful for the newfound relationship I have with my HP. I'm relearning the deep love I have the capacity to experience. It's a connection I don't know how I've done without for so long.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 10
Thanks . What you said is very meaningful to me.
I'm very happy for you that you've found something to love and believe in.
I'm hesitant to ask this, because it seems like kind of a newbie question, and I've been dragging this thread on with my newbie question. But I don't know if I've found an answer that satisfies me anywhere else. I don't have a relationship with a higher power...I'm not spiritual or religious in any way. Is that something that's very important for Al-Anon? The higher power stuff? It's a lovely idea, but it's really not for me, and I hope there's another way I could make this work and find meaning.
. What you said is very meaningful to me. I'm very happy for you that you've found something to love and believe in.
I'm hesitant to ask this, because it seems like kind of a newbie question, and I've been dragging this thread on with my newbie question. But I don't know if I've found an answer that satisfies me anywhere else. I don't have a relationship with a higher power...I'm not spiritual or religious in any way. Is that something that's very important for Al-Anon? The higher power stuff? It's a lovely idea, but it's really not for me, and I hope there's another way I could make this work and find meaning.
Member
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Memphis, TN
Posts: 2,884
Originally Posted by rhodajinny
Thanks . What you said is very meaningful to me.
I'm very happy for you that you've found something to love and believe in.
I'm hesitant to ask this, because it seems like kind of a newbie question, and I've been dragging this thread on with my newbie question. But I don't know if I've found an answer that satisfies me anywhere else. I don't have a relationship with a higher power...I'm not spiritual or religious in any way. Is that something that's very important for Al-Anon? The higher power stuff? It's a lovely idea, but it's really not for me, and I hope there's another way I could make this work and find meaning.
. What you said is very meaningful to me. I'm very happy for you that you've found something to love and believe in.
I'm hesitant to ask this, because it seems like kind of a newbie question, and I've been dragging this thread on with my newbie question. But I don't know if I've found an answer that satisfies me anywhere else. I don't have a relationship with a higher power...I'm not spiritual or religious in any way. Is that something that's very important for Al-Anon? The higher power stuff? It's a lovely idea, but it's really not for me, and I hope there's another way I could make this work and find meaning.
My HP is the collective wisdom, experience and strength of the group be it Al-anon or SR. I see the whole being greater than the sum of all its parts. I can get wisdom from those further down the path than myself, strength from those who are deailing with the same issues as me and hope from all of the good people who are working their way through this mess.
Hope that helps.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2007
Posts: 626
It can be viewed as a power greater than yourself - say, for example, the collective experience and wisdom of your Al-Anon group. Or, a belief in Goodness as a concept. Or as the absolute goodness in you or the power of nature.
It is the higher power of your understanding. I struggle a bit with this and what I tell myself is that I don't have to have a fully defined spiritual doctrine today. All I have to believe is that something/somewhere is bigger than me and can help me, because me, myself and I, doing this life-thing alone isn't working. It's my best thinking that got me here in the first place. I'm ready for some help :-)
Take what you need and leave the rest. No one in Al-anon makes you swear any sort of allegiance to a particular path.
It is the higher power of your understanding. I struggle a bit with this and what I tell myself is that I don't have to have a fully defined spiritual doctrine today. All I have to believe is that something/somewhere is bigger than me and can help me, because me, myself and I, doing this life-thing alone isn't working. It's my best thinking that got me here in the first place. I'm ready for some help :-)
Take what you need and leave the rest. No one in Al-anon makes you swear any sort of allegiance to a particular path.
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