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Believing quacking

Old 06-13-2011, 06:57 AM
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Believing quacking

Originally Posted by Tally View Post
I look at some of my mates lives on facebook and the great relationship they have with their wives and girlfriends and I'm jealous. I see them doing normal things together and I want a part of that too.
I read this on another thread and realized how similar it and the rest of the A's quacking was to what I heard and hear still from AH.

Problem for me (with me I guess is more accurate) is this: I would hear and read this stuff from him and believe it (and still do truth be told). It doesn't sound like quacking to me when I am hearing it. It IS convincing and I have a really hard time separating out what is accurate and what stuff I DO need to examine in me and what is projection... Anyone else have that trouble?
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Old 06-13-2011, 07:15 AM
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Remember he is an A. A's lie and manipulate, its their nature, its what they do. Its all part of their denial. If they didn't lie and manipulate then they would start to see themselves as they really are. That is something they are not ready to do until they are ready to recover.

I did have this problem but not as much any more. Basically what I do now is limit my contact with my AW and assume that anything she says is either manipulating or an out an out lie.

I have reached the point where I don't care about "US" or her life or how unfair (long list of names here including mine) is treating her. Her problem not mine. I spend my time focusing on my recovery.

Projection is when they see faults in themselves and then 'project' that fault on to another person. It is another form of denial and another way for them to hide their faults from themselves.

WTBH, I hope this helps. Try not to worry about what they say or write. It is all part of their denial and as such is delusional.

Edit: Part of your healing process is seeing them for what they really are. It is a way of getting rid of your denial that you can't fix their problems and make things right and have a happy ending. You can have the happy ending its just that it yours as a person not yours as a couple.


Your friend,
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Old 06-13-2011, 07:17 AM
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(raising hand) I DO, i have trouble with that also. RAH said he doesn't like the person i become and i haven't went to alanon or seen a therapist. Nope, i haven't. but "i think" i have detached from most of the words thrown at me and nag and snoop tremendously less then before but it's still not good enough for him.
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Old 06-13-2011, 08:23 AM
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Sometimes people want to believe so badly, that they become gulliable. In addition, "A's" are expert liers, most even believe their own lies, so, that make them so much more convincing.

I too wanted to believe my ex, but, then common sense stepped in and I no longer believed his tall tales. I took off my rose colored glasses and saw him for who he really was/is, a bald faced lier.

Keep moving forward, skip his words, watch his actions.
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Old 06-13-2011, 08:28 AM
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Yes I had that trouble. For me I had to quit looking to him for any kind of input. It was a switch because for many years he was the only person that I confided in, bounced ideas from, I accepted his input for years, he was the person I discussed these types of things with. It was hard but he no longer had my best interests in mind and he no longer thought clearly (maybe never did) because he was an alcoholic. This was a disadvantage to me but an advantage to him because he new me very well, new all my insecurities, and new exactly where to aim. Reminding myself of that ticked me off and that made it a little easier too. I limited contact to email and that also helped. If he said something that I was struggling with more then usual I posted it here and SR came through and helped me see the projection, manipulation, whatever. The counselor helped too.

I also quit listening to the words and looked at the actions. This was a little easier for me. I repeated this quote constantly "What you do speaks so loud I cannot hear what you say." by Ralph Waldo Emerson. Things became clear fast by looking at what he did, not what he said.
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Old 06-13-2011, 08:30 AM
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Originally Posted by m1k3 View Post
Remember:DO NOT FORGET he is an A. A's lie and manipulate, its their nature, its what they do.
i just wanted to add a bit to M1K3....
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Old 06-13-2011, 09:11 AM
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Well sure the A wants a great relationship.....but what is that to an active A.....really?

It's someone who will pay the bills, clean up after them, take care of all the problems their drinking/drugging create so that they don't have to be responsible for a thing. They want someone who will let them continue their primary relationship---with their DOC---without interfering or expecting anything from them.

Is that really a relationship YOU want to be in?

Hugs and prayers, HG
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Old 06-13-2011, 01:49 PM
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Me too! I actually got to the point (and am I still there) where I do not know what is genuine and what is manipulation. My "R"AH has been so good over the years at saying (and even doing) the "right" things but soon enough all the crap was hitting the fan again. Now the trust is so damaged I trust none of it. We have reached this place now where he doesn't say much and neither do I. I really hate it but at least I am not being sucked into believing anything that is false. There is nothing like getting your hopes up just to have them smashed. Then there is the quacking that makes you question yourself... could I really be the one causing such problems in his life? Hummm no but nice try...
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Old 06-13-2011, 03:26 PM
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I believe the quote was from my post. My exABF wrote that to me in an email after I refused to go out for a meal with him. He'd been really off with me for weeks and was jealous because I was going out for a meal with my family and he wasn't invited. He then announced that we should go out for a meal together.
He didn't actually want to go out with me, he just wanted to go for a meal because I was. When I refused he hit the roof and said I wasn't normal and that we could never do things normal couples do because I didn't want to go anywhere with him.

True, I didn't. Why on earth would any woman want to go anywhere with a man who didn't pay them any attention what so ever? Who belittled and scoffed at my opinions and interests, who put me down any chance he got and was just generally a grumpy, negative, selfish man who's only interest was in himself.

The "oh I wish we were like other couples" was just an attempt to make me feel guilty because he had nothing else on me except that I never wanted to go anywhere or do anything with him. Him calling me "not normal" coming from a man who hadn't shared a bed with me in 2 years but instead chose to sleep on the sofa or sleep during the day when I was up and who had no sex drive for over 7 years. I would have liked to do normal relationship stuff too but never got the chance because I was second best to a bottle, then to a computer, then to a camera, then to a PS3....you get the idea.

I think if a partner says something cruelly with the intention to hurt you or cause you distress then don't listen to it.
If a partner is drunk/under the influence and says something cruelly, don't listen to it.
If a partner says something cruelly in defence of an issue you've brought up, i.e. twisted it to be about you, then don't listen to it.

Listen to your gut, your instinct, the thing that's looking out for you, because 9 times out of 10, he sure as hell won't be.
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Old 06-13-2011, 03:50 PM
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Originally Posted by Tally View Post
I think if a partner says something cruelly with the intention to hurt you or cause you distress then don't listen to it.
If a partner is drunk/under the influence and says something cruelly, don't listen to it.
If a partner says something cruelly in defence of an issue you've brought up, i.e. twisted it to be about you, then don't listen to it.

Listen to your gut, your instinct, the thing that's looking out for you, because 9 times out of 10, he sure as hell won't be.
Well said, Tally!

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