Broke NC with AW this morning.
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Broke NC with AW this morning.
She was phoning to leave a voice mail message when I surprised her, and myself to be honest, by picking up.
It turned out to be a non-event. When talked some about her rehab, my recovery and her hot button topic when she could see the grand kids. On the last one I told her it wasn't up to me.
We talked a little about why I left and I simply told her that it hurt more to stay than it did too leave. She wanted to talk about the future and I said I can't look into the future now, I have no idea what might happen. I'm sticking to one day at a time. I told her if she calls there is no guarantee that I will answer, it depends on whether I feel like it or not.
I have had much more emotional involvement with posts on this forum than I did with this conversation.
Codie was quiet during the call and the rest of the day.
Someone here posted the opposite of love isn't hate, its indifference. I'm beginning to think this is true.
I guess basically I feel good about my recovery yet sad about the indifference that I felt for AW.
Take what you want and leave the rest.
Your friend,
It turned out to be a non-event. When talked some about her rehab, my recovery and her hot button topic when she could see the grand kids. On the last one I told her it wasn't up to me.
We talked a little about why I left and I simply told her that it hurt more to stay than it did too leave. She wanted to talk about the future and I said I can't look into the future now, I have no idea what might happen. I'm sticking to one day at a time. I told her if she calls there is no guarantee that I will answer, it depends on whether I feel like it or not.
I have had much more emotional involvement with posts on this forum than I did with this conversation.
Codie was quiet during the call and the rest of the day.
Someone here posted the opposite of love isn't hate, its indifference. I'm beginning to think this is true.
I guess basically I feel good about my recovery yet sad about the indifference that I felt for AW.
Take what you want and leave the rest.
Your friend,
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
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Sounds like you handled the call rather well. You didn't get enmeshed.
"No contact" has its place, but when you have children (and grandchildren) in common, it's good to be able to communicate about essential stuff when you are able to handle it. It's good that you have set the boundary that you will answer the phone when you want to, and not every time she takes it into her head to call. I used to feel like a hostage to my phone--thank God for caller ID.
"No contact" has its place, but when you have children (and grandchildren) in common, it's good to be able to communicate about essential stuff when you are able to handle it. It's good that you have set the boundary that you will answer the phone when you want to, and not every time she takes it into her head to call. I used to feel like a hostage to my phone--thank God for caller ID.
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Originally Posted by LexieCat 
Sounds like you handled the call rather well. You didn't get enmeshed.
"No contact" has its place, but when you have children (and grandchildren) in common, it's good to be able to communicate about essential stuff when you are able to handle it. It's good that you have set the boundary that you will answer the phone when you want to, and not every time she takes it into her head to call. I used to feel like a hostage to my phone--thank God for caller ID.
"No contact" has its place, but when you have children (and grandchildren) in common, it's good to be able to communicate about essential stuff when you are able to handle it. It's good that you have set the boundary that you will answer the phone when you want to, and not every time she takes it into her head to call. I used to feel like a hostage to my phone--thank God for caller ID.
No contact is a tool.
Talking to the addict doesn't mean we took a step backwards. The way we handle talking to the addict (or dealing with things that involve the addict, even if they are not currently involved in our conversation) determines how far along we are with our recovery.
It sounds like you're doing great!
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I agree with Starcat, the way you handled it was great. Didn't get drawn into any conversation you didn't want to have, nothing triggered you to react in an unsightly fashion, I think you did great.
On the same note, it's interesting when we realize how great we did, what it signifies. That we are finally surrendering to the hopes and dreams, finally relinquishing the illusion of control we had. It's a strange feeling, but a peaceful one, no? **
On the same note, it's interesting when we realize how great we did, what it signifies. That we are finally surrendering to the hopes and dreams, finally relinquishing the illusion of control we had. It's a strange feeling, but a peaceful one, no? **
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Originally Posted by kittykitty
I agree with Starcat, the way you handled it was great. Didn't get drawn into any conversation you didn't want to have, nothing triggered you to react in an unsightly fashion, I think you did great.
On the same note, it's interesting when we realize how great we did, what it signifies. That we are finally surrendering to the hopes and dreams, finally relinquishing the illusion of control we had. It's a strange feeling, but a peaceful one, no? **
On the same note, it's interesting when we realize how great we did, what it signifies. That we are finally surrendering to the hopes and dreams, finally relinquishing the illusion of control we had. It's a strange feeling, but a peaceful one, no? **
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And, Mike, if you don't actually want to do NC then don't do it. It's a tool in the toolbox, and you get to use it whatever way you want, but if you don't actually want to use it perhaps there's another way for you. You seem to be more comfortable with little contact, or contact only when you want it.
What makes No Contact so useful is also what makes it so hard-- you don't, in any way, have contact with the other person forcing you to face each and every day, and make each and every decision, completely on your own and without whatever kind of reassurance or communication you are looking to her for.
All I'm suggesting here, is that maybe no contact isn't for you. It seems you aren't holding yourself, or her, to the no contact idea.
Just throwing that out there.
Cyranoak
What makes No Contact so useful is also what makes it so hard-- you don't, in any way, have contact with the other person forcing you to face each and every day, and make each and every decision, completely on your own and without whatever kind of reassurance or communication you are looking to her for.
All I'm suggesting here, is that maybe no contact isn't for you. It seems you aren't holding yourself, or her, to the no contact idea.
Just throwing that out there.
Cyranoak
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Location: Anchorage, Alaska
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Mike, you handled that call very well. And you sound like you are enjoying your peace and serenity. Having occasional contact doesn't have to mean losing those good feelings.
I have "limited contact". I call it that because we don't talk about anything deeper than the surface. He can't handle it, and I get impatient when he talks about his recovery and I hear quacking. I know its not on purpose...he's just struggling to "get" recovery and grow up. To me, limited contact means I shut the heck up about it all, too. I don't correct him or interject my opinions. I keep conversations light and fun. It's hard work and I can only keep it up for short periods of time, so limited contact works to maintain my peace and serenity.
Having contact also allows me to practice detachment, and other communication tools like asking if he wants input or just to vent about something. As long as there is a benefit to me, I won't go NC. Emphasis on "benefit to me"!
I have "limited contact". I call it that because we don't talk about anything deeper than the surface. He can't handle it, and I get impatient when he talks about his recovery and I hear quacking. I know its not on purpose...he's just struggling to "get" recovery and grow up. To me, limited contact means I shut the heck up about it all, too. I don't correct him or interject my opinions. I keep conversations light and fun. It's hard work and I can only keep it up for short periods of time, so limited contact works to maintain my peace and serenity.
Having contact also allows me to practice detachment, and other communication tools like asking if he wants input or just to vent about something. As long as there is a benefit to me, I won't go NC. Emphasis on "benefit to me"!
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Originally Posted by Cyranoak
And, Mike, if you don't actually want to do NC then don't do it. It's a tool in the toolbox, and you get to use it whatever way you want, but if you don't actually want to use it perhaps there's another way for you. You seem to be more comfortable with little contact, or contact only when you want it.
What makes No Contact so useful is also what makes it so hard-- you don't, in any way, have contact with the other person forcing you to face each and every day, and make each and every decision, completely on your own and without whatever kind of reassurance or communication you are looking to her for.
All I'm suggesting here, is that maybe no contact isn't for you. It seems you aren't holding yourself, or her, to the no contact idea.
Just throwing that out there.
Cyranoak
What makes No Contact so useful is also what makes it so hard-- you don't, in any way, have contact with the other person forcing you to face each and every day, and make each and every decision, completely on your own and without whatever kind of reassurance or communication you are looking to her for.
All I'm suggesting here, is that maybe no contact isn't for you. It seems you aren't holding yourself, or her, to the no contact idea.
Just throwing that out there.
Cyranoak
Progress not perfection.
BTW, thanks for your posts. Even the ones where you kind of slap me upside the head and say are you sure you want to do this.
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Tuffgirl, thanks for the input. You explained it better than I did. One of my mantras during this process has been "Does this help my recovery?". I have backed off of actions I was going to take because I decided no, it doesn't.
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When there are ties that bind it is certainly much easier to have a level of recovery where communication isn't so taxing. I think I have finally gotten there. You got there at warp speed compared to my snails pace, lol, so well done. Great boundaries and I agree, the indifference is sad. I have to admit that I have found it a blessing though.
I also know that the easier communication I have now with my ex is due to two things 1) my recovery and 2) his. I only have control over one so I still think about my boundaries a lot so that I can keep #1 strong even if #2 disappears.
I also know that the easier communication I have now with my ex is due to two things 1) my recovery and 2) his. I only have control over one so I still think about my boundaries a lot so that I can keep #1 strong even if #2 disappears.
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