laurie6781

Oh sweetie what you are describing is a BINGE drinker, and unfortunately is does not get better it gets WORSE. The binges get closer together until eventually they will become a DAILY drinker. That is called alcoholism. Things are worse than they sound you just cannot see it YET.

No he does not beat you YET. You both say 'harsh things' to each out of anger. Right, sure. Do you want those 'harsh things' to be daily? of constant criticism and 'put downs'? It is coming.

I am sorry to say this but you are already in a relationship that is soon going to make you totally miserable, with lots of put downs, swearing at you, throwing things, hitting walls, and eventually hitting you.

It is bad enough being in a relationship with a practicing alcoholic, but knowingly marrying one???? That is slow suicide.

Everyone who has responded to you has tried to tell you what you are getting yourself into.

Whether you marry him or not, now would be a good time to start attending AlAnon meetings, for you.

If you think you will feel embarrassed by calling off the wedding, that is nothing compared to how you will feel, 6 months, a year, maybe you'll last until 2 years down the road of marriage, when you realize how much he is/has manipulated you, when your credit is ruined and he has sucked you dry emotionally, mentally and financially.

There is nothing wrong with setting your own personal boundary of:

"I will NOT marry you until you have at least a year sober and your ACTIONS not your words show you are serious about recovery."

I suspect you really do not know the real person your husband to be is. Most alkies, myself included kept it sort of together for years, but our real selves did not appear until after we had been in recovery and were starting to change our thinking and actions in earnest. Until then we had this 'mask' that we kept in place as much as possible.

Since he already a 'binge drinker' that means that alcohol has become his MASTER and his MISTRESS. Alcohol comes ahead of you not behind you.

Please, for you own SANITY, SERENITY, AND PEACE OF MIND, swallow your pride, and call off this wedding. It does not have to be forever, if and that is a big IF he seeks recovery.

J M H O

Love and hugs,

fedup3

Is this what you're thinking, "After we're married I can change him'? You CAN'T! Everyday I fight off that same thought just maybe, he might, what if? NO, it won't happen. I've been waiting for 39 years for it to happen and most of it has been hell, it won't happen so most of my life is gone never to get back again and finally divorcing him. Please forget the dress, flowers, guests, reception, family, money and HIM! Call off the wedding and give that as a gift to yourself.

Shellcrusher

Hello and welcome to SR.
3 pages...I'd write my story, which is exactly like yours, or at least it was 3 years ago.

I know, that in the end, you have to make whatever decision is best for you. I'm happy to hear that you're going to Al-Anon. Then again, I'm sorry that you have to go to Al-Anon. There is much to learn.

Yes, I'm part of the "run your ass in a different direction crowd". That said, my AW is actively working a program and making steps. I'm living day by day and doing the next best thing for me and my son.

Side note: When she was active, she didn't drink every day. She would binge. She never beat me but she said the meanest things and she'd say sorry the next day or whenever if ever. There's other details but it's not worth mentioning. My point is that I would never wish my circumstances on anybody. Least of all, my son...

So yeah, we're all in the same boat. Some of us are still rowing. Some of us refuse to row. Some of us got out of the damn boat. Some of us are sinking. Some of us have sunk. Some of us have no clue what's going on and some of us are up **** crew without a paddle.

Keep on reading, keep on posting. It helps.

ANEWAUGUST

Need help... Binge drinker ruining our relationship

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Hi all! I am a newbie and have reviewed several posts on here. I need a little assistance and words of advice.
I am engaged to a great man who truely loves me and would do anything for me. I feel the same way about him. Here's the kicker... He is a binge drinker. He does not drink everyday or every weekend but when he gets into that mindset of Partytime, it's all the way. He can't stop or will not stop after one drink. It usually ends up with him drinking till everythings gone or he passes out. Usually the night ends with him vomitting.
His behavior has embarrassed me and makes my family very uncomfortable. His 7 yo daughter even asked him to stop drinking one night.
Finally we had a huge blowout and it ended in me telling him to get help or I'm calling the wedding off. I told him to use my EAP services thru work and go speak to a counselor, which he has done 1 times.
Here is my big problem... Now that he is not drinking he is getting high all the time. It still effects our relationship since he zones out and cannot communicate. Also if he's not drinking then he has nothing in common with his or my friends.
How do I handle this and should I feel guilty when I go have a drink with my friends or a glass of wine when we are home together?

This was your post when you first came here back in January. It is June, has anything changed?

I wish you the best of luck as you seem to have already made up your mind and are entering into this marriage with eyes wide open.

However, most brides to be don't look for support on an alcohol forum before they get married. If you take your vows seriously, marriage is supposed to be a lifetime committment.

Alcoholism is also for life...once we turn into a pickle, we can't go back to being a cucumber.

Good luck...

Thumper

The thing is many of us were in the same boat when we got married. Most of us do not marry the full blown alcoholic, unemployed, unclean, untrustworthy, drink a case of beer, stealing allowance money from their children, pass out twice a day and **** the bed man. We (I) married the guy that drank to much but wasn't that bad.

When I got married I was not the beaten down, exhausted, confused, overwhelmed, isolated, afraid, uncertain, resentful woman I was when I left. I had it under control when I got married.

We are just on the other end of the story now.

Of course you have your own story to write. You have awareness at the first chapter. He is an alcoholic. Keep reading here, attend al-anon, do any other self-help steps that work for you.

skippernlilg

The thing about alcoholism is that it is truly a family disease. If he has it, you have the affects of it. You get the symptoms of feeling tired, worthless, tired, and more tired. Not unlike a cancer patient, only this is something you are choosing to 'catch' by marrying into it.

You're not just marrying the man, you're marrying the disease.

I'm an ACoA, which is an Adult Child of an Alcoholic. I was a planned child in an alcoholic family. I had no choice but to live in that family. It is a paralyzing place to be as a child. There are after-effects of this that are difficult to heal from. I'm still healing, after years and years of therapy and now getting out of a bad relationship situation myself.

Are you two planning to have children?

Portia123

You will. You may be in denial. I don't think you'd be on this site asking the question if you didn't see it as this bad.

In hindsight, I know I was in denial. I married my binge drinking functional A, knowing full well he was a binge drinker (on the day of our wedding, it didn't occur to me he was a full blown alcoholic). I loved him. I love him for who he is when he is sober.

There have been days I want a divorce or for him to die so I could live in peace - that is some "stickin' thinkin'" I've never had before, BUT FOR living with an AH. My AH is a RAH now in an intensive outpatient program - he has his relapses, but knows he needs help and is seeking it on his own - not on my insistence. He hit him bottom without my enabling him and he's seeking help by his own volition. Boy, has this last 6 years been hell. If I knew then what I know today, I would not have agreed to marry him in the first place.

Until your fiance admits he has a problem and seeks help, his drinking will get worse and not better. You can't cure him, you can't control him - all you can do is hope and pray that you will do nothing to contribute to the A'ism - THAT you will learn on this forum and in AlAnon.

There are days I wish I never had to spend a minute in an AlAnon meeting, go to counseling, cruise this site (or ones like it), cry, sleep in a separate bed or go to a hotel to get away from him, etc. I resent all the time alcoholism chews up my life. I agree, read the thread about what normies don't know - it's very eye-opening.

Yes, it might be expensive to cancel the wedding. Yes, you might have to save face with those who will lose $$ for traveling to the wedding, save face in general - but SO WHAT? This is your life. The problem is your fiance and not you. Perhaps he ostensibly canceled the wedding because of his thinking he's a big boy and can do what he wants, i.e., binge drink. Live your life to the fullest and be happy! I doubt anyone of your true friends or family will blame you, they'll probably think you are the bravest girl in the world for not going through with it under these circumstances!

Putting off the wedding until he is in a recovery program for X number of months or years is a good start. Come from a place of love. If you decide to marry him, I really do wish you the best - God's speed to you ...

m1k3

Lunakim, this is my last post in this thread. In a previous post you said:

No, you don't have anything under control and no you won't be able to handle it. Alcoholics aren't the only ones with denial issues. When you say stuff like you have been saying that is your codie speaking. You are in denial about how bad things really are and about how bad they will get. Just like your future XAH you will get better when you are ready to get better.

I wish the best for you but fear the worst. Please keep posting so that we can lend whatever support you are ready to accept.

Your Friend,

Ponder

From what I have read in your posts so far is this guy is emotionally abusive. I was married to a guy like that. Over the years I was his verbal punching bag. There were days, more days than I can ever count that I WISHED he would haul off and punch me, just once so I could have a solid reason to leave. I could finally have society's PROOF he was abusive. Because, like you, I figured real abuse is black eyes and broken bones. Guess what? Emotional abuse is WORSE.. The very fact that it is hidden and unseen makes it more insidious and damaging! It changes who you are and you become a shell of the person you once were. It sucks your spirit dead.

Real love doesn't hurt, and it doesn't make you cry.

MeredithD1

this post brought tears to my eyes. There are more of us here who came up through this kind of childhood than anyone might, at first, think.

I would never wish that on any child at any time. It is a big reason behind my not having children; I wanted to make sure they didn't get any subconscious monstrosity that I might deliver, despite my best intentions.

I looked at my mother and saw what came through her;

I looked at HER mother and saw what came through HER;

I heard stories about my mother's mother's mother;

I stood my ground to say, "The buck stops here. I will not have children until I am 100 percent positive that I will NEVER pass on this poison legacy!"

JustAYak

I came from a drug-ridden childhood as well. I'm still young (20) and I have A LOT left over from the pain I lived in. Working on it all in therapy right now

Lunakim, if you do marry him, don't have kids. It's a terrible life the kids live and they have absolutely no say in the environment in which they're brought into.

Otherwise, best of luck to you in your marriage and future endeavors, hopefully things won't turn out the same for you as so many others here... that said, personally, I think you should follow the advice of what others have said. Only you know what's right for you though.

LaPinturaBella

You want to see what emotional abuse does? Read my thread "Hi, I'm LaPinturaBella."

Because of the "invisible" emotional abuse, I myself came to feel invisible. Unseen, unheard, unworthy of ANYTHING good ever coming into my life. It caused me to sabotage my own life...because I felt I didn't deserve a good life. I literally just existed...barely.

Is this what you want for yourself? Is this what you want for your kids? I've been in therapy off and on for 10 years to unravel the damage and become the woman I was meant to be. And it's been just as hellish as being involved with an alcoholic. You want to know why I picked an alcoholic? Because he exhibited the same behaviors as my emotional abuser. It was "normal" to me. Again, is this what you want for your kids?

You owe it to yourself and to your future children to look at your situation with a cold, unemotional eye and to truly discern reality. I'm not trying to make you feel bad, or to attack you. I AM trying to show you the truth. You are about to tie yourself to darkness and pain and YOU DESERVE light, truth and joy.

This is not a huge party, it is not the money that is at stake...it's YOUR VERY LIFE.

Take what you want and leave the rest.

suki44883

Most everyone thinks their case is different. The casual drug user never believes he/she will truly become a full blown addict, the casual drinker never thinks he/she will be come a full blown alcoholic. They think those people live on the street or under a bridge somewhere. Spouses of addicts/alcoholics never believe their spouse would ever physically or emotionally abuse them. Everyone thinks they can control the situation. That attitude is called "terminal uniqueness" and it will kill you.

Like someone else said, this is my last post on this thread. If 70 posts from people JUST LIKE YOU don't convince you to slow this train down, then nothing else we can say will. You think you have control of some things, but you do not. You may think that he'll straighten out once you get married. He will not. The only difference is that you will be legally attached to him and his troubles will be your troubles and his disease will become your disease.

Again, I sincerely hope that you will read and read again all these posts from people who know what they are talking about. You came here asking for our help and we have all given it freely. We have absolutely no reason to lie to you and we are not mistaken when we tell you what is most likely in store for your life if you marry this man. I wish all good things for you.

dollydo

To me, there really nothing more to say. Your mind was made up prior to your first post.

I too, wish you the best!

Jazzman

I think we're all in the same boat, just different parts of the voyage. This link might help you at some point on your journey.

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ml#post2051022

Freedom1990

My parents hated my EXAH. My only real good friend hated him too.

There wasn't a person on this earth that was going to stop me from marrying him, and they didn't.

That was the beginning of 5 years into utter hell, chaos, violence, fear, hatred, and anxiety beyond description.

I lost myself piece by piece, day by day.

My bar of standards kept getting lower and lower.

Eventually I didn't know where I ended and he began.

When the physical abuse started, that was the beginning of the end.

I was hit in the head, thrown down the basement steps, had my face beat against a window till I was sure it would shatter.

I had a knife held to my side, was body-slammed to the floor, his knee on my chest, screaming at me so hard he was spitting on me.

That's where my decision led me.

You've made up your mind just as I did.

Just know that there is a better way to live, free of the insanity of alcoholism.

I am so incredibly grateful to have survived that period of my life, and to be able to share my recovery with others.

GettingBy

I don't have any advice or words of warning. I was in the same boat as you. I chose the path you are chosing. I married my A... all the things that I said would never happened... are happening.

We all have to learn our life lessons the way our HP intended for us. You are living the life intended for you. You are learning and growing the best way you know how.

So the only thing I will say is a prayer for you - my prayer is that you never let it go as far as I did. I pray you find your bottom before you bring children into the equation. And if children are someday involved, I pray you find Al-anon before your own sickness impacts them. I pray that you find your bottom before the verbal abuse turns physical. I pray that you find clarity and truth and educate yourself on what alcoholism really is.

And just to be clear... My prayers are for you... not your STBAH.

I send all these prayers out to you... and then like the others, I will let you go and Let God do what he does best!

Best wishes to you.

Tuffgirl

Wow you guys...your stories brought tears to my eyes!

I am so grateful for this place...

I am so grateful that I don't have to sit in that dark place alone anymore.

Lunakim, if ever you find yourself in that same place, reach out to someone (here, anywhere). The last two years were the longest, saddest, darkest of my life.

Wishing you good luck!
~T

dancingnow

Yes, THIS for me, accept I did not have awareness. How naive I was and happy I finally found someone that I thought the world of.

Looking back I remember before I got married my uncle asking AH and me about his beer drinking. It seemed like he was implying or rather he was conveying my mother's concern that AH drank too much.

Imagine I was highly offended they would even consider this. Little did I know how much it would progress.

I had a lot of things together and did lots and lots.

Maybe I should have been more aware. If I was I don't know if I would have done anything different about getting married. I don't think I would have let the alcoholism affect me as long as it did.

My kids are a blessing. Each day I pray my HP helps me in my recovery and helps their dad find recovery too.

Linkmeister

Lunakim;

As long as he drinks, there will be three of you in your marriage. You, him and the bottle. From personal experience, I can tell you that the bottle is a much more powerful marriage partner than you or him and nine times out of ten, the bottle will win.

Take what you want and leave the rest.