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Getting married to a binge drinker....HELP

Old 06-13-2011, 01:20 AM
  # 41 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by fourmaggie View Post
POSTPONE the wedding

and

RUN to an AL ANON meeting
Yes, and also ATTEND some open AA meetings and you will hear heart wrenching stories about what alcoholics have been through AND what they have put their loved ones through.
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Old 06-13-2011, 01:28 AM
  # 42 (permalink)  
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Smile

Originally Posted by Lunakim View Post
I appreciate all the kind words of advice and all the options you have given me.
I am going to take this day by day. I am a co-dependent person and have a lot of recovery myself. I tend to get upset and sometimes violent when he pushes my buttons. I am excited to start Al Non.

Lunakim;

it is likely you are are very kind, sweet, and caring person, codependents often are lovely people. Lovely people do not deserve "alcoholism codependent hell"

All the love kindness and caring in the world will not make an alcoholic see the light, as you and I once/now thought/think. If it did many alcoholics would be cured from loved ones kindness and love.

To the contrary, the kindness, caring, love simply enables the alcoholic to progress more smoothly.

"hindsight is 20/20" I pray that you may benefit from all of our hindsight.

We have already been in your shoes

Yes, the water is warm until you discover how DEEP it is.


Big hug
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Old 06-13-2011, 02:49 AM
  # 43 (permalink)  
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it's expensive to cancel a wedding.

it's more expensive to marry a drinker.

once you are married, you will be responsible for his debt. it costs a lot to drink a lot. read around here and you will see how many of us lost our homes and our savings to their binges. we got left with the financial mess. some of us even have even given half our pensions to them. we support the children with little to no financial assistance from them.

i walked out with 10. when i went into the relationship, i owned three properties outright. don't be me!

you can do this. just get the words out of your mouth to him "i have decided to not get married because i am concerned about your drinking and pot smoking".

you don't have to explain your reasons to anyone, if you don't want to. a simple answer like "i got cold feet" everyone would understand.

it's not an ultimatum...it's a choice you can make FOR YOURSELF...

gee, i hope you make the right decision. you can still see him and not marry him. he might be angry about it at first but it's not about him. it's about YOU.
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Old 06-13-2011, 07:26 AM
  # 44 (permalink)  
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Lunakim, from the perspective of an ex binge drinker let me give you some friendly advice. Don't buy the ticket and you won't have to take the ride, if you do it won't be pretty. Ask yourself something, if he were a happy well adjusted person at peace with himself then why would he feel the need to binge drink in the first place.

Please don't delude yourself into thinking that you can change the essence of a man by simply taking the booze away. It does not work that way, the alcoholism is only a symptom of a lot of other psychological issues. Your talking about embarking on one of the most important journeys of your life with an active alcoholic.

It's very important that you understand that he can't share with you what he doesn't himself have. He will not just quit drinking and magically change, he has too much baggage and too many problems of his own that cause him to drink. Please think about the misery your setting yourself up for.
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Old 06-13-2011, 09:56 AM
  # 45 (permalink)  
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You are about to make the single worst mistake of your entire life...

...you find yourself in a hole and you are going to dig faster? You are marrying him? Good Lord, what are you thinking? Seriously, what are you thinking? In what world is this a good idea?

Here are eight reasons why the wise woman buried deeply, deeply inside of you knows better than to marry this man (and any one of these, alone, is a deal killer):

  1. FH is a binge drinker and has been a binge drinker for the length of our relationship.
  2. He has been to counseling sessions and quit drinking for a month, but ended up losing his strenghth and started up again.
  3. He drinks at least 10-14 beers in less than 2 hours.
  4. His words are I'm a grown man I can do what I want.
  5. If he's not drinking then he will jump to smoking pot.
  6. He has an addictive personality and is immature.
  7. I have given him ultimatiums in the past and nothing has worked.
  8. He does get rude and name call or degrade me.

Take what you want and leave the rest,

Cyranoak
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Old 06-13-2011, 10:37 AM
  # 46 (permalink)  
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I think paintbaby's avatar
visually represents
the consensus
and the personal experience
shared here on this thread.

That statue is what we lived.

says it better than any words.
perfectly.

best of luck to you, hon.
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Old 06-13-2011, 10:41 AM
  # 47 (permalink)  
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I could tell a story similar to yours, DBH.

I wonder sometimes...what if she'd married someone else, a healthier man who wasn't an alcoholic. What would her life, and her children's have been like?

Lunakim, trust your instincts. This guy is trouble.

Someone upthread said, "if he's a binge drinker now, it's going to get worse"

Amen to that!
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Old 06-13-2011, 10:56 AM
  # 48 (permalink)  
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I keep thinking about how, at this eleventh hour plus, there is NO WAY TO SAVE FACE in cancelling a wedding.

The money is spent, on the deposits for the facilities, foods, services. The wedding cake is probably already baked.

Worse than that, the money is spent for meaningful people in your life, who may have bought non-refundable tickets to travel, new outfits, wedding gifts, hotel reservations.

People, and I mean EVERYONE, are going to think not flattering things, to have their plans derailed and their money spent, their days off wasted, if this doesn't "go through."

It will forever change how some of them think of you, fallout that could never be repaired, or take years at least.

The level of shame and embarrassment you would feel in doing this to all those people, many of whom are on your fiancees side and you barely even know, is astronomical.

The amount of courage needed to stop this moving freight train is on the level of pee trickling down your leg...

**************

I get it, I really, really do.

I would say unequivocally, though, that all those things above will PALE in comparison to the suffering coming. Those things will shrink and become nearly invisible in scale on retrospection, when you get into what's coming.

There's a reason - a valid reason - why you are getting such a strong response to your question...

We remember. And we all thought maybe we were making too big of a deal of that niggling doubt.

CLMI
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Old 06-13-2011, 11:11 AM
  # 49 (permalink)  
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Lunakim, I am going to look into my crystal ball. I see you 10 years in the future. It is a Saturday night, you are crying. Your AH is strapped in a bed cursing at the nurses who are trying to pump charcoal down his throat so he doesn't die from the amount of alcohol he has taken. Both children are with you because you couldn't get anyone to babysit as you don't have any friends anymore. When that ordeal is over he calls you over, smiling with blackened teeth and sweetly asks you to unhook the straps because he has to go to the bathroom. You call to the nurse to ask and before you can even finish the question he is calling you every vile name in the book for not helping him. Both children have joined you in crying hysterically. You know in your heart the future is even worse and you wonder yet again why did you marry him.


While the motivations are different and my kids were teenagers I have spent several Saturday nights like this. Of course my AW doesn't remember. She's blacked out when the worst is happening.

Congrats on the wedding.
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Old 06-13-2011, 12:45 PM
  # 50 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by Lunakim View Post
What happened? Are you still married? How do you deal/cope with him when he is drinking?
I have not lived with an alcoholic in over 30 years, but the little girl in me STILL remembers how to "deal" with a drunk.

You walk around on eggshells when they are around. You don't opened your mouth for fear that they're going to verbally abuse you (or worse). You try to become invisible. If you unfortunately happen to be out in public with them you again try to become invisible and get them home as soon as possible.

When I was 10 and driving home with a drunk father I would try to make my body limp because I heard that people who were asleep during car crashes didn't get hurt as badly.

Life is unpredictable and doesn't make sense when living with an alcoholic. You look for patterns and clues to try to figure out what type of mood they are in. It turns you into a hypervigilant person - super sensitive to the moods and actions of others. You crumble when you're around angry people.

Memories from 30+ years ago and they still make me feel ill.

I'm sure you have heard that alcoholics need to hit their "rock bottom" before getting help. Codependent people also have rock bottoms. Maybe you're not there yet? Maybe it'll have to get worse for you? I hope not.

If you had a daughter or close friend in the same position as you, what would you recommend that they do?

It's wonderful that you already know about resources such as SoberRecovery and Al-Anon. People will be here to help you when you're ready.

db
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Old 06-14-2011, 03:22 AM
  # 51 (permalink)  
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"He has not been violent"
Dear Luna he is already being violent towards you. Degrading you is violence.

So you are about to tie the knot with an alcoholic AND an abuser? here in SR I have learned an abusive man is an abusive man, drunk or not, alcoholic or not. IF on top of that he is an addict...

My dad's wife is an ACOA. Her mom was abused by the alcoholic dad in so many horrible ways she ended up in a crazy ward. My dad's wife does not know if she is dead or alive at this point. She doesn't want to know. The alcoholic dad died and not a tear was shed. My dad's wife, and her brother, left their home at 15/17 and never called back.

You are willingly walking towards a similar or worse hell.


From
Am I Being Abused? National Domestic Violence Hotline

Am I Being Abused?
How is your relationship?
Does your partner:
Embarrass you with put-downs?
Look at you or act in ways that scare you?
Control what you do, who you see or talk to or where you go?
Stop you from seeing your friends or family members?
Take your money or Social Security check, make you ask for money or refuse to give you money?
Make all of the decisions?
Tell you that you’re a bad parent or threaten to take away or hurt your children?
Prevent you from working or attending school?
Act like the abuse is no big deal, it’s your fault, or even deny doing it?
Destroy your property or threaten to kill your pets?
Intimidate you with guns, knives or other weapons?
Shove you, slap you, choke you, or hit you?
Force you to try and drop charges?
Threaten to commit suicide?
Threaten to kill you?
If you answered ‘yes’ to even one of these questions,
you may be in an abusive relationship.
For support and more information please call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or at TTY 1-800-787-3224.
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Old 06-14-2011, 09:55 AM
  # 52 (permalink)  
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I don't know you but I can say this with certainty: you deserve a life much better than this. As Louise said to Thelma, "Thelma, you get what you settle for". Is this what you want for yourself?
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Old 06-14-2011, 10:17 AM
  # 53 (permalink)  
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I don't really see it as this bad.
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Old 06-14-2011, 10:29 AM
  # 54 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by Lunakim View Post
I don't really see it as this bad.
You will.

It will get that bad and worse. Alcoholics lie, all of them. Alcoholics don't care about anyone but themselves, all of them. Alcoholics will manipulate anyone to keep doing what they are doing, all of them.

Until your abf decides HE wants to recover there is nothing you can do to change that, nothing.

Please look around this forum for the happy endings threads. The "my AH and I are doing great" threads. Let me know when you find one because I haven't seen any.

This may sound harsh but your love doesn't really matter to him. If he has to pick between you and the bottle you will lose.

Its your choice and you will get support here no matter what you do.

But you have been getting the experience of people who have been where you are and they are saying RUN AWAY NOW!

If you do marry I am willing to bet several years in the future you will be here posting about how you wish you had listened to those who have already gone through this and were willing to share their experience.

Your friend,
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Old 06-14-2011, 11:02 AM
  # 55 (permalink)  
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Please remember that all the responses here were made on the information that YOU gave to us...we only responded based on your information.

"it's not that bad"...sounds like you are down-playing his drinking??? it's a terrible realization, but postponing now can save you a lot of pain and expense in the future...you do not sound like a happy excited bride to be??? (and then why would you even be here if you were_???
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Old 06-14-2011, 11:42 AM
  # 56 (permalink)  
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Again thank you to all that have taken the time to help and provide words of encouragement. I was at a low the day i posted and i am not making excuses for any behavior from the AH (or soon to be). I just wanted to clarify things....
He does not drink every day or even every week, but when he does he cannot stop. Yes i know it is an issue and there are red flags up everywhere. But I have somethings under control and handle the situation. I also like to have a few drinks,but i know my limits. Again i am not saying he is right for drinking.
I was just looking for some guidance and maybe a few people to connect with that are in the same boat. Things are not as bad as the sound, he does not beat me or ever get physical with me. We both say harsh things to eachother out of anger but appoligize the next day or whenever.
Again I am sorry for anyone that lives with a raging alcholoic or has been effected by one. My heart goes out to each of you. I plan to attend Al-Non to meet locals that are in the same boat as me and to get an insight on how to handle things when they do get our of control.
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Old 06-14-2011, 12:17 PM
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Hello Lunakim,

Have you read the posts from F&F forum member XXXXXXXXXX? They are recent, and she was in a similar situation to yours. I think this is her first post.

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ying-hang.html
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Old 06-14-2011, 12:30 PM
  # 58 (permalink)  
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I always told my daughter that even when she is walking down the aisle to get married and should change her mind that it would ok with us, better to walk away, lose the money but not be married to the wrong person. I wish I had that same council before I married AH. Don't throw away your life and be miserable with someone and something that you will never be able to cure! RUN, and don't look back just pray for him that's the best thing you can do. Please don't fall for his lies, they will tell you anything to keep you right where they want you.
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Old 06-14-2011, 12:33 PM
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Well Lunakim, since you seem to be going through with the marriage welcome to the club. The difference between you and me is that you are going into the situation with your eyes wide open. I had 21 good years before my wife started to change. And then I had 15 of hell. I doubt that you'll even have one good year.

Visit often, we will still be here to offer support and experience.

Your friend,
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Old 06-14-2011, 12:49 PM
  # 60 (permalink)  
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He is on the road during the week and the last 3 weeks be has been home he has been drunk. I am not a saint either but I do not drink all the time. When I start I can stop.
What other consequences are there? How do I make him see that this is a huge problem and things need to change. He always has a comeback to everything and finds ways to blame or switch things up on me. I am entitled to have a few beers if I want to i work hard, that is what I hear all the time. Or it's only a few beers.


which one is it??? these are conflicting statements???

Like I said earlier, you do not sound like a happy Bride-to-be.....? I hope your life improves....if you are both name-calling and fighting, you both sound too immature for this big step....(it's a lot harder to get divorced than it is to get married unfortunately).
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