Blogs


Notices

Getting married to a binge drinker....HELP

Old 06-12-2011, 09:02 AM
  # 21 (permalink)  
Member
 
SoloMio's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 1,116
Originally Posted by BeYourself View Post
Hi Lunakim, I found myself in a similar situation last September a few weeks before my wedding. There were red flags all over the place, but I loved him, we already lived together, so much was already paid for, and I just didn't have the guts to call it off even though my inner voice was screaming "stop!"

Things only went downhill after the wedding and I had moved out by our 6 month anniversary. Now I'm getting a divorce. He continues to deteriorate.

Listen to your gut, is all I can say. I wish I did. Things will only go in one direction (worse) until he decides he wants to make a change. And you'll come to realize that there's nothing you can do or say to make him hit that point. It's "let go or be dragged."

If you go thru with the wedding, please hedge your bets for a while. Make sure you are the one managing the money. Don't combine finances any more than you already have. Make sure you have some savings tucked aside that he can't get to. Don't buy real estate if you haven't already. Don't get pregnant.

Please talk to someone you trust in real life about what's going on. You'll feel much more empowered to do the right thing for yourself once the secrecy is gone.
GREAT advice
SoloMio is offline  
The Following User Says Thank You to SoloMio For This Useful Post:
atdawn (06-14-2011)
Old 06-12-2011, 09:08 AM
  # 22 (permalink)  
Member
 
Thumper's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 3,444
Originally Posted by BeYourself View Post
Make sure you have some savings tucked aside that he can't get to. Don't buy real estate if you haven't already. Don't get pregnant.
Excellent excellent very important advice.

Originally Posted by BeYourself View Post
Please talk to someone you trust in real life about what's going on. You'll feel much more empowered to do the right thing for yourself once the secrecy is gone.
This too.

Sending you some cyber strength and support.
Thumper is offline  
The Following User Says Thank You to Thumper For This Useful Post:
atdawn (06-14-2011)
Old 06-12-2011, 10:09 AM
  # 23 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2009
Posts: 234
Alcoholism is progressive. The only thing you can know for sure is that it will get worse over time - there is no question about it. Whatever you see today is as good as it will be until he quits drinking, and then it could take years before he recovers to the point where he can be an equal partner in the relationship. My husband hasn't had a drink in almost 2 years, but life is not what it would be if he wasn't an alcoholic. I like the comment about having hostages and not relationships.

You are on a sled traveling down hill. You can get off or stay on. You can not save him from the consequences of his drinking. You cannot love him enough to make him quit. It just doesn't work that way.

If he quits drinking and recovers to the point of being a good partner, you can make a different choice then.

Good luck. The fact that you posted is a sign that you have a voice in your head trying to take you down a healthy path.
trapeze is offline  
The Following 5 Users Say Thank You to trapeze For This Useful Post:
atdawn (06-14-2011), BeYourself (06-12-2011), laurie6781 (06-12-2011), MeredithD1 (06-12-2011), StarlightSasha (06-12-2011)
Old 06-12-2011, 10:20 AM
  # 24 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2011
Posts: 103
From someone who has been married for 9 months and has lived in he!! for most of it ...

Postpone the wedding. At the minimum. Once you are married, it is way harder to end the relationship. I have been begging god to let me just go back in time and never marry the man. He is recovering now, but we are seperating still. Take care of you and postpone.
putmeontheair is offline  
The Following 5 Users Say Thank You to putmeontheair For This Useful Post:
atdawn (06-14-2011), laurie6781 (06-12-2011), Linkmeister (06-12-2011), MeredithD1 (06-12-2011), Tuffgirl (06-12-2011)
Old 06-12-2011, 10:25 AM
  # 25 (permalink)  
same planet...different world
 
barb dwyer's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Butte, America
Posts: 10,946
Blog Entries: 7
I truly hope you heed what is written here.

I think your Higher Self
is giving you an opportunity
to change something that
has been your way of doing things all your life.

This decision is that big.

ANd while it LOOKS scary
it's the single thing
that will make your life into
the life you always wanted.

This man is NOT what you've always wanted.

What you describe in your opening post
is what you will have
every day for the rest of your life.

Unless you do it.

Say no.

This is your life
only you can change it.

This is the snowball at the top of the mountain
of what can get BETTER for you
al the way around
in every aspect

but you have to say this is enough and you have to do it with this.

I can see that so clearly for you I can almost touch it.

You're being granted the life you always wanted always dreamed would happen
but to get it
you have to walk away from the way it's always been.

He... is what has always been.

This is your chance.
barb dwyer is offline  
The Following 9 Users Say Thank You to barb dwyer For This Useful Post:
atdawn (06-14-2011), BeYourself (06-12-2011), dbh (06-12-2011), fourmaggie (06-13-2011), kudzujean (06-13-2011), laurie6781 (06-12-2011), m1k3 (06-12-2011), MeredithD1 (06-12-2011), Tuffgirl (06-12-2011)
Old 06-12-2011, 10:38 AM
  # 26 (permalink)  
Member
 
Tuffgirl's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
Blog Entries: 4
Originally Posted by outonalimb View Post
I had the same red flags you're experiencing.

I thought about calling off the wedding but I convinced myself that he would 'settle down' after we got married.

Boy, was I wrong.

I wish I had listened to my gut and not my heart.
You can always postpone the wedding to give yourself more time.
But marrying him when you have such huge red flags is dangerous. Trust me.
Me, too...

I went through with it, for the same reasons. Thought it was "stress" that was causing the serious boozing. Thought that would go away after the wedding. Nope. It got worse. Alcoholism is progressive. It only gets worse until they STOP DRINKING and FIND RECOVERY.

If I had known what I know now, I would have postponed the wedding. I probably wouldn't walk away, but I wouldn't go through with marriage until I knew the problems were being addressed. Now I am facing a possible second divorce and again, have nothing to show for it except lots of emotional scars. Why can't I at least get a Lexus out of this? Or a big house or something?

Hang in there, listen to your intuition...it brought you here to ask the question. Don't ignore it like I did.

Take good care,
~T
Tuffgirl is offline  
The Following 6 Users Say Thank You to Tuffgirl For This Useful Post:
atdawn (06-14-2011), barb dwyer (06-12-2011), kudzujean (06-13-2011), m1k3 (06-12-2011), MeredithD1 (06-12-2011), Portia123 (06-14-2011)
Old 06-12-2011, 11:51 AM
  # 27 (permalink)  
dbh
Member
 
dbh's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Washington, DC
Posts: 456
For some reason, posts like this trigger me. I'm not sure if it's because I almost feel like I can somehow stop history from repeating itself. It's like I wish I could go back in time and warn my mother. I'm watching a movie and I already know the ending. I want to scream at the screen and persuade the characters to make different choices.

I wanted to add to my original post that I do understand how hard this is. I got married later in life and spent my twenties and early thirties going from one emotionally unavailable man to the next. I never went after the ones who treated me well. I always wanted a challenge. So many relationships that were almost "perfect". So many boys/men that needed me. I thought I could change them and then our lives would be better.

Recovery taught me that I was picking these men for a reason. Working on me helped me realize that I can only change myself. I now walk away from bad situations. I don't have to settle for something less.

Everyone deserves a happy ending.

Please take care of yourself.

db
dbh is offline  
The Following 8 Users Say Thank You to dbh For This Useful Post:
atdawn (06-14-2011), barb dwyer (06-12-2011), bluebelle (06-13-2011), bruingirl (06-16-2011), Danae (06-18-2011), LaPinturaBella (06-12-2011), m1k3 (06-12-2011), MeredithD1 (06-12-2011)
Old 06-12-2011, 11:54 AM
  # 28 (permalink)  
Occasional poor taste poster
 
Join Date: Jul 2005
Posts: 2,542
Caution! Loving an addict can knock the stuffing out of even the most hearty of souls. Mel and I divorced in 2005, she died in 2009 and I'm still no where near moving on. Back in 2000 my friends were trying to tell me I should reconsider marriage but I didn't listen. I would have taken a vision of the future.....

http://image1.findagrave.com/photos/...8163006162.jpg


Even then I probably would have had the arrogance to think I could save her.

Originally Posted by Lunakim View Post
What other consequences are there?
The consequences for the both of you can be devastating.
Jazzman is offline  
The Following 7 Users Say Thank You to Jazzman For This Useful Post:
atdawn (06-14-2011), dbh (06-12-2011), ErinGoBragh (06-13-2011), Leise (06-12-2011), marie1960 (06-12-2011), MeredithD1 (06-12-2011), Pelican (06-12-2011)
Old 06-12-2011, 12:11 PM
  # 29 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: where the streets have no name
Posts: 1,073
Once you are married to him, if he drinks and drives; and he will, hurts or kills some people, your assets can be at risk. Everything you have worked for, anything with your name on it.

You may also be liable for his debts, and believe me, alcoholics are notorious for uncontrollable spending.

The gaps between binges will shorten and eventually he will drink every day. Quite commonly he will lose a job/ many jobs. You will become his caretaker, maid, financier, and bail bond person.

You can still stay with him but THINK about heaps of REALISTIC RISK and since alcoholism only gets worse over time (unless he chooses sobriety) and he may never do that, you tie a legal bond that can and will enslave you to the above and more, not to mention emotional heartache and tragedy, aside from legal/financial.

Alcoholics love nothing more than to find nice people like you that will enable their drinking and cushion their falls.

They are expert and manipulating and making us feel guilty and sympathetic.

Don't jump into that pit.


Love him in a safe way, not in a legally binding way.
steve11694 is offline  
The Following 10 Users Say Thank You to steve11694 For This Useful Post:
atdawn (06-14-2011), bluebelle (06-13-2011), Danae (06-18-2011), dollydo (06-12-2011), kudzujean (06-13-2011), LaPinturaBella (06-12-2011), Leise (06-12-2011), Linkmeister (06-12-2011), MeredithD1 (06-12-2011), Notahappyhour (07-03-2011)
Old 06-12-2011, 12:33 PM
  # 30 (permalink)  
Member
 
Linkmeister's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Somewhere in the big ole' world....
Posts: 545


Many red flags going up here.......even though we were not married, I was in a three year relationship with an binge drinking A and as as others have said, listen to your instincts, your little voice.

It took me a long time, lots of heartache, lots of denial, going to Al-Anon, coming to SR to finally realize that as Laurie 6781 so aptly pointed out - alcoholics don't have relationships, they take hostages. I did not cause my EXA to drink, nor can I control it, nor can I cure it.

Keep posting and reading here (especially the stickies at the top of the page), find an Al-Anon meeting, educate yourself on alcoholism and think seriously about postponing the wedding.
Linkmeister is offline  
The Following 6 Users Say Thank You to Linkmeister For This Useful Post:
atdawn (06-14-2011), Babyblue (06-12-2011), LaPinturaBella (06-12-2011), Leise (06-12-2011), MeredithD1 (06-12-2011), steve11694 (06-13-2011)
Old 06-12-2011, 12:42 PM
  # 31 (permalink)  
Present
 
MeredithD1's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: "Happy Rock" (Gladstone) Oregon
Posts: 1,360
Blog Entries: 4
Welcome to Sober Recovery!

There are a lot of helpful resources here. Check out the "stickies" up top and the links they lead to.

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ldnt-know.html

Read this thread. It describes experiences that friends and families of alcoholics have, that others (aka "normies") don't have.

*************

I remember having a lot of doubts about both my first and second marriages. My first husband was not an alcoholic; my second husband was (is still) an alcholic.

For my first wedding, the one with the big ceremony and the white dress and family flying in from across the nation, Well, once all of the plans had been made and invitations had been sent, even though I felt a sense of foreboding that the marriage would not turn out well, I figured the plans had been made and I pretty much had to go through with it. We divorced after four years. Things I saw "might" happen, when I had that sense of foreboding, DID happen...and THEN some.

Instead of halting the plans, I locked myself into the contract. It is a decision I wish I would NOT have made. I hear you saying that you are in a similar place. Just remember, it's a lot easier to cancel all those plans for the ceremony, than it is to go through with a situation where you have tangible doubts, based on real feelings and evidence.

I want to reach in and do it for you (codependent alert on high) so that you don't have to go through the "I Knew I Should Have Canceled The Wedding" feelings that I went through.

So since I can't do that and I really wouldn't do that even if I could (really) I'll just hold up a big STOP sign and hope for the best.

The second marriage to the XAH - We eloped to Vegas. He rushed me into the marriage.

Better yet and more truthful, I shall say, I allowed myself to be rushed into the marriage.

The day the plane landed in Vegas, he changed into this ogre. I figured it must be cold feet. Little did I know that the change was not only NOT temporary - it was how he would treat me for the rest of the two years until I was finally able to extracate myself from his tight grasp.

He isolated me, or shall I better say, I allowed myself to be isolated by him (not knowing any better at the time)...

And, that being said, I really don't want to think about it any more. I found his YouTube and Facebook pages so I could block him before he found me, and he is still drinking heavily, and quite proud of it.

I am married to an AH now. I was much more sure and ready to get into this marriage than either of the first two, and it has lasted the longest. It has its challenges, and they are many, and the hardest challenges revolve around his being A and not in recovery.

It puts me in harm's way and I have a plan B in case any of the deal-breakers come to pass. In fact, in this past week, I have learned I have more options in Plan B than I could have known before. And wow, Plan B looks better all the time.

AND IN RETROSPECT. (Hindsight being 20/20 and all.) If I had it all to do over again, I would not have gotten married in 1989 (lasted 4 years) or in 1994 (lasted 2 years) or in 2003 (met in 1997; relationship has lasted 14 1/2 years, marriage 7 1/2 years).

I would have done far more to take care of my codependent nature that evolved in childhood being raised by a schizophrenic narcissistic sadistic mom.

Hindsight being 20/20 and all, I see that I went into marriage with a lot of baggage - and expectation - from childhood. There's a saying out there, that you marry someone like the parent with whom you have/had issues, hoping to resolve them in a marriage, where you couldn't resolve them in your childhood.

And that had everything to do with how I partnered myself.

THAT in mind, my Words of Wisdom to you would be - search as to why you want to marry this person, even seeing the warning signs???
MeredithD1 is offline  
The Following 5 Users Say Thank You to MeredithD1 For This Useful Post:
atdawn (06-14-2011), LaPinturaBella (06-12-2011), Linkmeister (06-12-2011), SoloMio (06-12-2011), steve11694 (06-13-2011)
Old 06-12-2011, 02:34 PM
  # 32 (permalink)  
Member
 
LaPinturaBella's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: California
Posts: 383
Please listen to all of the advice you've received here. These people have ALL been there. YOU, right this moment, are at a crossroads. One road leads to everything that has been said in this thread, the other leads you out of this dangerous labyrinth and leads to health, freedom and the opportunity to find REAL love. The choice is yours. However, just because you have the dress, have made all of the arrangements, etc., you DO NOT NEED to follow through. This is YOUR life. No one who attends this wedding will be living in this marriage should you marry him. One of our members just posted that her AH has spent $1,025 on booze in one month. More than her mortgage payment. This is what you are in for should you take the road into marriage with a binge drinker.

You have a lot to digest right now But please make your decision based on what is BEST FOR YOU...not out of guilt, not out of wanting to help your fiance, not out of embarrassment about what your friends and family will think. This is about YOU...no one else.

Last edited by LaPinturaBella; 06-12-2011 at 02:35 PM. Reason: spelling, yet again..itt's hard being dyslexic!
LaPinturaBella is offline  
The Following 3 Users Say Thank You to LaPinturaBella For This Useful Post:
atdawn (06-14-2011), BeYourself (06-12-2011), m1k3 (06-12-2011)
Old 06-12-2011, 03:15 PM
  # 33 (permalink)  
I AM CANADIAN
 
fourmaggie's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Niagara Region, Canada
Posts: 2,578
Blog Entries: 45
POSTPONE the wedding

and

RUN to an AL ANON meeting
fourmaggie is offline  
The Following 5 Users Say Thank You to fourmaggie For This Useful Post:
atdawn (06-14-2011), bruingirl (06-16-2011), dbh (06-12-2011), marie1960 (06-12-2011), steve11694 (06-13-2011)
Old 06-12-2011, 04:06 PM
  # 34 (permalink)  
Member
 
Paintbaby's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: At the top of my mountain.
Posts: 124
I married my binge drinker. Filed for divorce a month ago. We didn't even stay married for 2 years.

It doesn't get better. It gets worse. You just have to decide if this is what you want to spend your life with.
Paintbaby is offline  
The Following 3 Users Say Thank You to Paintbaby For This Useful Post:
atdawn (06-14-2011), kudzujean (06-13-2011), marie1960 (06-12-2011)
Old 06-12-2011, 08:28 PM
  # 35 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Lunakim's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Saint Louis
Posts: 24
Originally Posted by SoloMio View Post

To which he said, "But I love to drink."

Play that scenario in your head and ask yourself if you want to be there in my place in 34 years.

What happened? Are you still married? How do you deal/cope with him when he is drinking?
Lunakim is offline  
Old 06-12-2011, 08:33 PM
  # 36 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Lunakim's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Saint Louis
Posts: 24
I appreciate all the kind words of advice and all the options you have given me.
I am going to take this day by day. I am a co-dependent person and have a lot of recovery myself. I tend to get upset and sometimes violent when he pushes my buttons. I am excited to start Al Non.
Lunakim is offline  
The Following User Says Thank You to Lunakim For This Useful Post:
barb dwyer (06-13-2011)
Old 06-12-2011, 08:35 PM
  # 37 (permalink)  
RIP Sweet Suki
 
suki44883's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 32,345
Luna, you're going to do whatever you want to do. You have over 30 responses here with other member's experiences. If that isn't enough to convince you to at least postpone the wedding, nothing else we say will.

I wish you every happiness, but I really hope you will keep re-reading these responses to your situation. We have nothing to gain by warning you of what your future will very probably look like if you go ahead and marry this guy, but you do.

P.S. to add: After reading your last post, it really doesn't sound like either one of you are ready to be married at this point. I hope you both get the help you need.
suki44883 is offline  
The Following 9 Users Say Thank You to suki44883 For This Useful Post:
atdawn (06-14-2011), Chino (06-12-2011), Danae (06-18-2011), ErinGoBragh (06-13-2011), kudzujean (06-13-2011), laurie6781 (06-12-2011), m1k3 (06-12-2011), marie1960 (06-12-2011), steve11694 (06-13-2011)
Old 06-12-2011, 08:52 PM
  # 38 (permalink)  
Member
 
atdawn's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: here
Posts: 62
I did marry my binge drinker - here is a summary of our 10 year relationship

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...730-i-did.html

Now... there are many men out there. Many men that are not binge drinkers, not abusive... I think part of why I married may have been because I did not feel worthy of better ?! ... Now I now I am worthy of better ... I also know that I would probably not have listened to any advice at the time, because my thinking was distorted ...

Good luck
atdawn is offline  
The Following 3 Users Say Thank You to atdawn For This Useful Post:
LaPinturaBella (06-12-2011), MeredithD1 (06-13-2011), tjp613 (06-12-2011)
Old 06-12-2011, 09:20 PM
  # 39 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2,163
Blog Entries: 1
Why would you settle for being #2.......... Please, Please rethink your decision. Nothing but heartache ahead, and that is a promise
marie1960 is offline  
The Following User Says Thank You to marie1960 For This Useful Post:
atdawn (06-14-2011)
Old 06-12-2011, 09:30 PM
  # 40 (permalink)  
Member
 
zrx1200R's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Del Rio, TX
Posts: 380
Originally Posted by Lunakim View Post
Please help
Help yourself. Walk away. If you have trouble walking away...then RUN!!!

After living with an alcoholic for 22 years (and most of that part time living together!) I can only recommend NOT doing the same.

Choose wisely.
zrx1200R is offline  
The Following 4 Users Say Thank You to zrx1200R For This Useful Post:
atdawn (06-14-2011), kudzujean (06-13-2011), marie1960 (06-12-2011), steve11694 (06-13-2011)

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 10:48 AM.