photuris

So I first decided that I wouldn't say anything to my husband about the alcohol receipt in his pocket.
But he can read me like an open book. After the kids were in bed he asked me "what's going on"
Anyway, we had a little talk, I was very plain and just said that I accidentally found it in his pocket. He said "yes I did do that, but I'm back on not drinking and it was just a slip up". We hung out and watched a movie. I was totally cool about it.

So this morning.... He was acting REALLY strange, asked me if I loved him, etc etc etc.

Then he blurts out that he PAID A PROSTITUTE IN VEGAS. He got absolutely completely smashed and asked her if she wanted to have some "fun". They went up to his room and he paid her $150, but then she demanded $1500 for sex and said that the $150 was for "her talking to him" he didn't have the money and she left all pissed off.

I have to say at first I was shocked, not upset, not hurt, just in disbelief that my husband did something like that.
He of course is feeling awful. Very upset that it happened, and he now finally acknowledges that he is in fact an alcoholic and absolutely cannot drink ever again (before that he used to say that he thinks he'll be able to take charge of it one day).
So as crazy as it sounds I'm glad this happened, but I'm thankful nothing worse happened.

Now a side question: Neither one of us is religious. He's considering attending a support group, etc, but he is concerned about the faith/god aspect of AA. Ideas?

Seren

Hi photuris,

If he is truly ready for a recovery program, perhaps he should do the research for himself?

There are many different programs that have nothing to do with God or a Higher Power. This link provides some great information.

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...formation.html

Best of luck! HG

dollydo

Well, I'd keep in mind that he is an "A" and they tell half truths at best. You have no idea what really happened. You are jumping in with both feet by just listening to his words, and ignoring his actions.

My idea is for him to find his own way, he is an adult and this is his problem to solve.

How about your going to some meetings, you work on your end, while, if he decides to, he works on his end.

suki44883

I agree that alcoholics tell half-truths at best. Just to be on the safe side, I think I'd go have myself tested for STDs. While it's possible things happened pretty much the way he said, it's also possible they didn't. It's much better to be safe than sorry.

LaPinturaBella

Wow, that was quite a bombshell, wasn't it? I'm glad he's talking about recovery and admitting he does have a problem. However, I would follow the advise above if it were me. Let him do the research, find the right program, and get himself into it. Those ACTIONS will show if he is serious. Sorry you had to hear about this. I can't imagine how I would react.

LexieCat

AA is "spiritual," not religious. In AA, a "spiritual experience" is defined as "a personality change sufficient to recover from alcoholism." I know many atheists and agnostics successfully (and happily) sober in AA. Some people think of their Higher Power as the spirit within themselves (not their conscious, selfish selves, but something deeper), some think of it as the Power of the Universe, some think of it as karma, some think of it as the power in the group of recovering/recovered alcoholics banded together with a common purpose.

Even though the Steps mention God, the Big Book is very specific that it is a Higher Power of your own understanding, however you conceive it. You will find religious people in AA, and most people believe in the power of prayer or meditation, but AA doesn't advocate any religious belief, church membership, etc.

HG is right, though--it is he who should be doing the research on his own recovery.

I'm sorry you are going through this upsetting experience (you may find yourself more upset as you think about it later). It does sound, though, from the way he told you without your interrogating him, that he was deeply shocked by his own behavior. Hopefully it shakes him up enough to get serious about recovery.

m1k3

I am truly sorry for you. you are in my prayers. This was posted in another thread about non-religious 12 step program I hope it helps.

kittykitty

Wow... your husband got drunk in vegas and paid a prostitute to 'talk to him'. I say this with total sincerity...you are a very patient, understanding and compassionate person, because if my husband did that, i'd be drawing up divorce papers, and he'd be sleepin at his momma's house.

The part about the having a bacardi and now he's "back on not drinking now..." like he went off his diet or something. Yeah, I had some chocolate cake, but I'm back on the no carb thing now.

I agree with PB, let him do the research. AA is a spiritual program, it is not religious. If he did some research about it, he would know that.

Wishing you the best.

laurie6781

I agree with Anvil and I do not believe a word he has told you. Alcoholics lie, and many of them, myself included continued to lie in early recovery. I think I finally grasped the idea of HONESTY in ALL MY AFFAIRS, (business, social, friends, etc) at about 8 or 9 months and that was only because I had to make a conscious effort to THINK before I spoke.

Please get yourself checked. NO 'High Priced' hooker in LV would do what he said she did. Times are tough and particularly so in Vegas right now. The 'Hotels' do try to look the other way, until a 'guest' complains. That hookers pic and name go on a list and she will be banned from all hotels and casinos in Vegas. This is fact, I have friends there that work for the "Gaming Commission" and banning hookers is part of their job.

So, please get checked by a Doctor, and then stand back and WATCH his actions. Ignore his QUACKING, because that is what he is giving you.

When an A is ready, they don't 'talk' about it, they 'do.' Every A I have ever known in these past 30 years of my own recovery, that have found and maintained their recovery, DID IT ON THEIR OWN. From going to detox to finding a recovery program and doing everything within their power to work that program. Didn't Quack about it, just DID IT.

Please keep posting, and let us know how YOU are doing. When you feel frustrated or upset or out of sorts, just picture all of here at SR in the room with you. You may laugh, I did when I was first told that, but you know what? It works!

Prayers going out to you.

Love and hugs,

eaglette

I agree with everyone who suggests not believing your husband on this one. I'm sure if you argue with him or call him out it will be a huge argument and twistation of words, but yes, most As lie all the time. It's a part of our nature. I manipulate more often than directly lie, and have cut that down to a minimum, but I'm good at it when I do. My RABF told me the other day straight out that he has probably lied to me a thousand times in the year we have been together. I can't honestly imagine someone sitting there with a prostitute in Vegas chatting it up for $150. The fact that he brought it up indicates a huge amount of guilt being experienced. I know my ex waited a few months until we were in a fight about something else to confess that he had cheated on me (with a close friend of mine). As time elapsed, more details seemed to magically come out of the woodwork. The story I first got as a result of his guilt was nothing close to the full picture of what actually had occurred. Good luck, be wary, and I'd take the advice of the others and go to some Al-Anon meetings to get a program for YOU. The most important thing you can take away from this site right now is focus on yourself.

The 3 C's:

You can't Control this.
You didn't Cause this.
You can't Cure this.

Tuffgirl

Yikes! I am so sorry for your pain right now...others here have very good advice. I can only say what worked for me and as far as I know, I was not cheated on in any way. Just treated like crap and resented.

I did the ultimatum route. It didn't work until I walked out of the marriage. Only then did he begin to take AA seriously. And he is no more religious than I am. He too was concerned about the whole "religious" aspect of it all. But so far, he seems to have embraced the "Higher Power of his understanding", even if he doesn't completely understand it all yet.

He still holds resentments toward me. They still come out sideways. But he is making progress, one day at a time...

I do NOT get involved in his recovery short of asking him how his meetings went on occasion...and usually because it shows I am interested in his life, even though I really don't care. I work my own program. What he does and thinks is none of my business.

Someday, we may be able to work toward having a healthy relationship again...but that someday is far off still...I need to see sustained change, and right now my own change is far more important to me than his.

Stay strong!
~T

barb dwyer

I had to have a little time to percolate on this post(thread)
because only yesterday it seems
I'd already posted on the OTHER thread...

but this one ...
is the first one in a LONG TIME
that physically made me go

literally a jaw dropper!

I'm going to have to jump on the Laurie and Anvil train of thought here

While I will honor the choice to stand by your man and all that
I will also urge you to start doing that
knowing that YOU are safe and healthy.
Please get yourself tested anyway
for your peace of mind and for your well being.

'safe sex' isn't as safe as we're led to believe
it's just better than doing nothing.

It's like putting another ball onto the roulette wheel
while it improves the odds
it's still a gamble.

For the rest of it -

I've heard many many testimonials
from recovered alcoholics
who took the steps of AA
who didn't like the 'god' aspect
and refused to 'do' the work....

but when circumstances forced them
to choose AA or an alcoholic death...

they are still around to tell about it.

But ONLY the ones who did do it are still around.
NONE ... of the others are.

Freedom1990