New Here...Kinda
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Prairies
Posts: 2
New Here...Kinda
Hello everyone
I have been reading here for about 5 years and at times it has helped me make sense of my life. I have an AW who I encouraged to move out of our home about a week ago. I am feeling a bit lost and lonely now.
We have been married for just over 30 years, with one DD and two fantastic grandkids. The oldest 18 months, and the youngest just four weeks old. They live about three hours from us.
My AW has been drinking progressively worse for ten years now, she has been in and out of rehab 4 or 5 times (can’t remember how many times) in the last 5 years. She has also had stays in psychiatry wards several times. She takes medication for depression and I suspect when she drinks it interferes with it. After her rehab last summer, she was active in her drinking (always hiding it, but I knew it, we always know it, don’t we) within a month of leaving the facility. She had continued to drink on a regular basis almost daily with the odd binge thrown in for good measure. She lost her father several years ago (an alcoholic as well) and her mom (a codependent extraordinaire) is going through treatment now for some serious medical issues.
My AW went on a binge for a week several days after the birth of our latest grandchild and at the end of it I drove her to the ER where she ended up on the Psychiatric ward for almost a week. My wife has a huge heart and she is incredibly giving but she doesn’t see the harm she places on herself or the damages to all the relationships around her.
I feel so lonely, as we have no friends as she has tended to isolate herself from people and I would look for friends that were also outside a “normal” relationship i.e. themselves having trouble in their relationship with a spouse or girlfriend. We would never have people over as I never knew what condition she would be in when I arrived home. I tend to isolate myself very easy as I am a bit of an introvert, so this is natural for me.
About six years ago I was diagnosed with cancer and I went through a surgery and radiation treatment. Fortunately it’s all good now. During this time my wife was actively drinking and I stopped my treatment one day to drive her to her first rehab. I asked myself then if I was codependent.. I tried Al Anon in several groups about 4 years for about 20 meetings. Perhaps in hindsight it did help and I may begin attending again.
Many times in the last 5 years I would give myself deadlines where I would say if she drinks again after rehab I would leave, or, once I finished my masters degree (part time on weekends) I would leave if she was still drinking. I never did. I was scared that if I left she would immediately stop drinking and I would miss out on the wonderful person that lies beneath her alcoholism. I can’t count the times I thought this. I still love her or at least I love the person I see in my mind’s eye.
Her drinking is affecting the relationships that I am able to have with my grandkids. The relationship that my DD and SIL have with my wife is strained as my wife has never been honest with them and has always hidden her drinking from them, they are tired of it and DD doesn’t want a relationship any longer with her as she has to focus on her own family. I understand completely. Some of my sweetest and most vivid memories growing up was my annual vacation to visit my grandmother. I cherish those carefree memories from my childhood. I want my grandchildren to have them as well. I want to help them with those memories. I would never leave my wife alone in our house with our grandchildren, besides my DD would never bring them here with her in the house.
I chose my grandchildren over my wife and I feel so guilty. I want to move forward into the next phase of my life with her healthy or without her and have needed to make this move forward for a while now. My life has felt like it has been in limbo for a long time. Writing this has been a bit of a catharsis for me.
Thanks for listening. I will be back!
I have been reading here for about 5 years and at times it has helped me make sense of my life. I have an AW who I encouraged to move out of our home about a week ago. I am feeling a bit lost and lonely now.
We have been married for just over 30 years, with one DD and two fantastic grandkids. The oldest 18 months, and the youngest just four weeks old. They live about three hours from us.
My AW has been drinking progressively worse for ten years now, she has been in and out of rehab 4 or 5 times (can’t remember how many times) in the last 5 years. She has also had stays in psychiatry wards several times. She takes medication for depression and I suspect when she drinks it interferes with it. After her rehab last summer, she was active in her drinking (always hiding it, but I knew it, we always know it, don’t we) within a month of leaving the facility. She had continued to drink on a regular basis almost daily with the odd binge thrown in for good measure. She lost her father several years ago (an alcoholic as well) and her mom (a codependent extraordinaire) is going through treatment now for some serious medical issues.
My AW went on a binge for a week several days after the birth of our latest grandchild and at the end of it I drove her to the ER where she ended up on the Psychiatric ward for almost a week. My wife has a huge heart and she is incredibly giving but she doesn’t see the harm she places on herself or the damages to all the relationships around her.
I feel so lonely, as we have no friends as she has tended to isolate herself from people and I would look for friends that were also outside a “normal” relationship i.e. themselves having trouble in their relationship with a spouse or girlfriend. We would never have people over as I never knew what condition she would be in when I arrived home. I tend to isolate myself very easy as I am a bit of an introvert, so this is natural for me.
About six years ago I was diagnosed with cancer and I went through a surgery and radiation treatment. Fortunately it’s all good now. During this time my wife was actively drinking and I stopped my treatment one day to drive her to her first rehab. I asked myself then if I was codependent.. I tried Al Anon in several groups about 4 years for about 20 meetings. Perhaps in hindsight it did help and I may begin attending again.
Many times in the last 5 years I would give myself deadlines where I would say if she drinks again after rehab I would leave, or, once I finished my masters degree (part time on weekends) I would leave if she was still drinking. I never did. I was scared that if I left she would immediately stop drinking and I would miss out on the wonderful person that lies beneath her alcoholism. I can’t count the times I thought this. I still love her or at least I love the person I see in my mind’s eye.
Her drinking is affecting the relationships that I am able to have with my grandkids. The relationship that my DD and SIL have with my wife is strained as my wife has never been honest with them and has always hidden her drinking from them, they are tired of it and DD doesn’t want a relationship any longer with her as she has to focus on her own family. I understand completely. Some of my sweetest and most vivid memories growing up was my annual vacation to visit my grandmother. I cherish those carefree memories from my childhood. I want my grandchildren to have them as well. I want to help them with those memories. I would never leave my wife alone in our house with our grandchildren, besides my DD would never bring them here with her in the house.
I chose my grandchildren over my wife and I feel so guilty. I want to move forward into the next phase of my life with her healthy or without her and have needed to make this move forward for a while now. My life has felt like it has been in limbo for a long time. Writing this has been a bit of a catharsis for me.
Thanks for listening. I will be back!
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Hi ZX! Welcome to SR! I'm glad you stepped out of the shadows.
Congratulations on your masters degree. That is quite an accomplishment. I'm an "old lady" grad student myself.
Weekends are kind of quiet around here, but others will be along.......I hope that you will consider going to Al-Anon again. It has helped so many of us!
Take good care, HG
Congratulations on your masters degree. That is quite an accomplishment. I'm an "old lady" grad student myself.
Weekends are kind of quiet around here, but others will be along.......I hope that you will consider going to Al-Anon again. It has helped so many of us!
Take good care, HG
Member
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: MASSACHUSETTS
Posts: 441
WELCOME!!
This place is filled with wonderful people to help us through this maze of alcoholism. I understand how difficult it is for you to make that decision. I too, after 25 years have decided to end my marriage. I can not continue to live with the craziness of the drinking. Please understand that you did not cause it, can not control it or cure her. It was very hard for me to finally let go but I have too.
The stickies at the top of this forum are very helpful. So please read away!
Again,
This place is filled with wonderful people to help us through this maze of alcoholism. I understand how difficult it is for you to make that decision. I too, after 25 years have decided to end my marriage. I can not continue to live with the craziness of the drinking. Please understand that you did not cause it, can not control it or cure her. It was very hard for me to finally let go but I have too.
The stickies at the top of this forum are very helpful. So please read away!
Again,
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Ashland Oregon
Posts: 256
Welcome ZX14! Nice bike!
One thing that struck me about your post was your memory of visiting your grandmother ~ it's immensely powerful that you want to provide that for your own grandchildren, and you're taking steps to make that happen!
There's nothing like a face to face AlAnon meeting - I strongly encourage you to go. I live in a small town, and everyone knows my ABF... it's kind of nice just to see people around town and know that I'm not alone in my quest for understanding and peace.
- Sylvie
One thing that struck me about your post was your memory of visiting your grandmother ~ it's immensely powerful that you want to provide that for your own grandchildren, and you're taking steps to make that happen!
There's nothing like a face to face AlAnon meeting - I strongly encourage you to go. I live in a small town, and everyone knows my ABF... it's kind of nice just to see people around town and know that I'm not alone in my quest for understanding and peace.
- Sylvie
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Del Rio, TX
Posts: 380
Welcome from another MamaKaw fan.
You've no doubt see my posts. So I won't recite my usual opinions.
You are not alone. Yet, we understand you feel you are.
You simply can not be reasonable with unreasonable people who are incapable of change. So don't try.
Think of the Penguin from Batman!
You've no doubt see my posts. So I won't recite my usual opinions.
You are not alone. Yet, we understand you feel you are.
You simply can not be reasonable with unreasonable people who are incapable of change. So don't try.
Think of the Penguin from Batman!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: California
Posts: 383
Originally Posted by ZX14 
I chose my grandchildren over my wife and I feel so guilty.
I think you'll like it here.Regarding feeling guilty, PLEASE DON"T! Guilt is an emotion for when we've done something wrong. You've done NOTHING wrong here. You're grand-kids need you and deserve healthy grandparents to spoil them rotten and shower them with love. You've tried (like the rest of us) to help your wife and have learned there is nothing you can do. SHE needs to do the work. And since she has yet to CHOOSE to get help, to get well and to be there for you, her kids and her grand-kids, you are well within your rights to say you've had enough.
Believe it or not YOU have the right to a sane, healthy, peaceful and joyful life. So does she. But it's up to each and every one of us to CHOOSE that life.
Looking forward to "talking" with you more.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Prairies
Posts: 2
Hello everyone I thought I would give an update to my situation... and it does get better over time 
I also never did thank everyone for the responses to my original post as it did help me.. I have done a lot of lurking over the past 5 years that has also helped bring me to where I am now..
The update:
About a week after I originally posted I went to my Oncologist to review my yearly CT scan, many spots were found on my lung (8 to be exact). They were too small to be biopsied so the course of action was to receive another CT scan in 3 months to monitor the growth. My Dr. told me he thought they were cancerous. I was devastated... That summer was an absolute low in my life. I went to work and came home, I think I spoke to my wife about three times.. we were still living apart. About three months later I received another CT scan... ALL CLEAR..... No indications of any cancer at all. I cried in his office, and I cried in the parking lot while I told my daughter my results, I cried a lot that day.
Shortly after that date I made up mind that I no longer wanted to be married, the madness was too much for me. After a health scare it does tend to bring some laser focusing to the thought process.. (As a side note in my work situation, at the same time my wife and I separated, my boss at work also retired and I had a new boss, during that summer I took my eye off the ball at work so at the end of Oct I was displaced and offered a new position within the organization. ) In the meantime my wife had continued drinking for about 3 or 4 months after she moved out. I am glad I was so wrapped up in myself that I did not have to enter into her world because I would have. (There's a lesson in there for me)
I was still in pretty rough shape emotionally after my position change at work so I took all my holidays and a short leave of absence and headed to Mexico and parts south of there for about 2 months... I had a fantastic time and only came back to the cold for a week at Xmas to spend time with the grandboys.
During this time my wife managed to stay sober (she is working on 8 months now). Great for her... She has a good support group and some good counselors, I am now about 23 on her support list ( where I should be, but where at one time I was the only one on her list even when she herself wasn't on it).
At the present time I am no longer with my previous employer (that means jobless) and I see nothing but opportunities for me in the world.. We are also at the point where my wife and I are working out a separation agreement so we may finalize our divorce... It will be the best for both of us..
In hindsight, what probably helped us both was maintaining the separation. From my perspective this was only because I had to focus on myself because of my health issues.. I believe it allowed my wife the dignity of dealing with her own problems in her own fashion. I would have been sticking my nose into her business and that would not have done her any service.. And there were a lot of opportunities for me to stick my nose in there! I have been seeing a counselor for those times when I need to vent and I discovered something else about myself. I had tended to not be clear with my wife with what my needs were and I would soften my message to her so as not to upset her. That did neither of us any good, I am now clear on what my message is, no matter the outcome.
I am in a really good place now and I may even start dating in 6 months or so... I do know one thing though.... no more alcoholics....
Thanks for listening.... and it's almost time to get the bike out... So keep the shiny side up in life and on your bikes!
I also never did thank everyone for the responses to my original post as it did help me.. I have done a lot of lurking over the past 5 years that has also helped bring me to where I am now..
The update:
About a week after I originally posted I went to my Oncologist to review my yearly CT scan, many spots were found on my lung (8 to be exact). They were too small to be biopsied so the course of action was to receive another CT scan in 3 months to monitor the growth. My Dr. told me he thought they were cancerous. I was devastated... That summer was an absolute low in my life. I went to work and came home, I think I spoke to my wife about three times.. we were still living apart. About three months later I received another CT scan... ALL CLEAR..... No indications of any cancer at all. I cried in his office, and I cried in the parking lot while I told my daughter my results, I cried a lot that day.
Shortly after that date I made up mind that I no longer wanted to be married, the madness was too much for me. After a health scare it does tend to bring some laser focusing to the thought process.. (As a side note in my work situation, at the same time my wife and I separated, my boss at work also retired and I had a new boss, during that summer I took my eye off the ball at work so at the end of Oct I was displaced and offered a new position within the organization. ) In the meantime my wife had continued drinking for about 3 or 4 months after she moved out. I am glad I was so wrapped up in myself that I did not have to enter into her world because I would have. (There's a lesson in there for me)
I was still in pretty rough shape emotionally after my position change at work so I took all my holidays and a short leave of absence and headed to Mexico and parts south of there for about 2 months... I had a fantastic time and only came back to the cold for a week at Xmas to spend time with the grandboys.
During this time my wife managed to stay sober (she is working on 8 months now). Great for her... She has a good support group and some good counselors, I am now about 23 on her support list ( where I should be, but where at one time I was the only one on her list even when she herself wasn't on it).
At the present time I am no longer with my previous employer (that means jobless) and I see nothing but opportunities for me in the world.. We are also at the point where my wife and I are working out a separation agreement so we may finalize our divorce... It will be the best for both of us..
In hindsight, what probably helped us both was maintaining the separation. From my perspective this was only because I had to focus on myself because of my health issues.. I believe it allowed my wife the dignity of dealing with her own problems in her own fashion. I would have been sticking my nose into her business and that would not have done her any service.. And there were a lot of opportunities for me to stick my nose in there! I have been seeing a counselor for those times when I need to vent and I discovered something else about myself. I had tended to not be clear with my wife with what my needs were and I would soften my message to her so as not to upset her. That did neither of us any good, I am now clear on what my message is, no matter the outcome.
I am in a really good place now and I may even start dating in 6 months or so... I do know one thing though.... no more alcoholics....
Thanks for listening.... and it's almost time to get the bike out... So keep the shiny side up in life and on your bikes!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 2,052
You want to...
...but will you? This is the hardest part-- at least it was for me. When I finally did move out it was after my wife had relapsed shortly after rehab. We were apart for two years, she white-knuckled sobriety, and I let her back in the house where things promptly got worse than ever (even though I "knew better"). That's how powerfully deluded I was even after therapy and a long time in Alanon (I'm also a slow learner and apparently have a great deal of tolerance for emotional pain and destruction which hurts me all the more. Combine that with the fact that I'm a recovering know-it-all and you have the perfect storm).
After she was finally arrested and jailed for some decisions she made while drunk, she finally put herself back in rehab and the last two years have been pretty damn good overall (still ups and downs). At least, however, her long term sobriety has allowed us to face other challenges in our relationship we never could before. It's looking good for us, at least today.
However, it is my absolute belief that if I had not left, or if I had protected her from what jailed her later on (and I could have), she would still be drinking today. I also believe had I learned to set boundaries sooner and stopped protecting her I could have saved her, myself, and my daughter from several years of pain, destruction, and grief.
Take care my friend,
Cyranoak
After she was finally arrested and jailed for some decisions she made while drunk, she finally put herself back in rehab and the last two years have been pretty damn good overall (still ups and downs). At least, however, her long term sobriety has allowed us to face other challenges in our relationship we never could before. It's looking good for us, at least today.
However, it is my absolute belief that if I had not left, or if I had protected her from what jailed her later on (and I could have), she would still be drinking today. I also believe had I learned to set boundaries sooner and stopped protecting her I could have saved her, myself, and my daughter from several years of pain, destruction, and grief.
Take care my friend,
Cyranoak
Originally Posted by ZX14
I want to move forward into the next phase of my life with her healthy or without her and have needed to make this move forward for a while now. My life has felt like it has been in limbo for a long time.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: SERENITY
Posts: 58
What you just wrote is something that I now think about because both my kids are in their twenties and most likely will be getting married and having children of their own. How do you do it? Ive been married 27 years now and I just cant. I always think to myself "Really, Again?" "Rehabs, emergency rooms, wards how long can you do this to yourself" The more I think about it, the more I think its childish behavior. The older I get, It seems worthless anymore. You know? There is so much out there to enjoy, instead of self destruction.
We are here for you.
We are here for you.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 225
ZX, Good for you! I'm so glad to hear that you are able to move on. Yes, it is and will be difficult. But it seems you realize things will be so much better for you in the long run. Congrats on your all clear CT scan too! Thanks for sharing, keep us posted.
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