What to do?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 1
What to do?
My sister (30 years old) has had a very bad drinking problem for over 5 years now. She's gone away to an inpatient facility for a month, but upon returning started up drinking again. She's recently moved back home and we thought that might somehow help the problem, but it hasn't.
She's lost 2 jobs now, both because she was constantly late and showed up to work drunk. We try talking to her about it, but the only time she wants to talk about her problem is when she's completely drunk, and she doesn't remember talking the next day.
In my opinion her problem is a mixture of:
1) the way she grew up as a teenager - constantly drinking with her friends, that was the main thing hanging out involved
2) depression
3) low self esteem
4) simply enjoying drinking
Her problem has turned into my family's lives, constantly having to baby sit her, stressing out about her, wondering if she's going to sneak out in the middle of the night - it has taken over everything else. If we could have anything in the entire world, it would be for her to get better, but we don't know what to do.
My family doesnt have alot of money, and we already spent $10,000 on putting her in a treatment once - we're hesitant to send her somewhere again only to spend even more money with no result. I think a therapist who specializes in alcoholism would be her best bet, but she doesnt have a job or insurance, and a therapist would be extremely expensive.
What are our options? We are in the NYC area, does anyone know of anywhere that provides free assistance? Somewhere where she can get 1 on 1 interaction with a professional? It doesn't necessarily have to be free, but we can't afford a 300$/hr therapist.
Any guidance would be enormously appreciated.
Thank you all.
She's lost 2 jobs now, both because she was constantly late and showed up to work drunk. We try talking to her about it, but the only time she wants to talk about her problem is when she's completely drunk, and she doesn't remember talking the next day.
In my opinion her problem is a mixture of:
1) the way she grew up as a teenager - constantly drinking with her friends, that was the main thing hanging out involved
2) depression
3) low self esteem
4) simply enjoying drinking
Her problem has turned into my family's lives, constantly having to baby sit her, stressing out about her, wondering if she's going to sneak out in the middle of the night - it has taken over everything else. If we could have anything in the entire world, it would be for her to get better, but we don't know what to do.
My family doesnt have alot of money, and we already spent $10,000 on putting her in a treatment once - we're hesitant to send her somewhere again only to spend even more money with no result. I think a therapist who specializes in alcoholism would be her best bet, but she doesnt have a job or insurance, and a therapist would be extremely expensive.
What are our options? We are in the NYC area, does anyone know of anywhere that provides free assistance? Somewhere where she can get 1 on 1 interaction with a professional? It doesn't necessarily have to be free, but we can't afford a 300$/hr therapist.
Any guidance would be enormously appreciated.
Thank you all.
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Welcome to the SR family!
Free: AA (Alcoholics Anonymous) they ask for $1 donation at each meeting to fray some overhead expenses. The donation is optional
Free for you and loved ones: Alanon, they also ask for $1 donation, again optional.
Free: This website for your sister the Newcomers area and the areas on alcoholism, there are also areas addressing mental issues like depression.
Free to you: This website with loads of support and information.
Here is a link to one of our permanent posts with steps that helped me deal with my loved ones addiction:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html
Free: AA (Alcoholics Anonymous) they ask for $1 donation at each meeting to fray some overhead expenses. The donation is optional
Free for you and loved ones: Alanon, they also ask for $1 donation, again optional.
Free: This website for your sister the Newcomers area and the areas on alcoholism, there are also areas addressing mental issues like depression.
Free to you: This website with loads of support and information.
Here is a link to one of our permanent posts with steps that helped me deal with my loved ones addiction:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: carolina girl
Posts: 578
Big hugs to you, I feel your pain. I know how devastating it is to watch a family member in the throws of the disease of alcoholism. Me and my sister spent thousands on my stepfather. Biggest waste of money. Ever.
The three C's:
You didn't Cause this
You can't Control it
You can't Cure it.
Unfortunately, a bottomless bank account doesn't cure alcoholism. Neither does love, success, having a child, getting married, or winning the lottery. There is no cure. The only thing that puts this disease into submission, is 1)the drinker realizing that they have a problem, and 2)deciding to do something about it. Many A's get the first one, but never decide to get to the second one. One of the horrible realities of this disease. Some people know they are sick, and choose to die from it.
She is an adult, and truthfully can live her life how she pleases. By supporting her, (putting a roof over her head, picking up the pieces of her disasters, cushioning her fall in any way shape or form, paying for rehab that she doesn't want) you are keeping her from dealing with the consequences of her actions and decisions. This makes it easier for her to continue drinking.
You can't help someone who doesn't want help. I know you are your family mean well, believe me, we have all been there. I know it sounds hard to believe, but you are not alone in this fight. But it is a fight you simply cannot win. The longer you try to "help" her, the longer it will take for her to get better.
There is help for you and your family though, during this hard time. A fellowship called Alanon, (not AA, some people get confused). It's for anyone whose life has been affected by someone else's drinking. Your family and you can benefit greatly from the wisdom there. Lots of encouragement, understanding, and strength in those rooms.
God has a plan for your sister. The best thing to do is get out of His way.
The three C's:
You didn't Cause this
You can't Control it
You can't Cure it.
Unfortunately, a bottomless bank account doesn't cure alcoholism. Neither does love, success, having a child, getting married, or winning the lottery. There is no cure. The only thing that puts this disease into submission, is 1)the drinker realizing that they have a problem, and 2)deciding to do something about it. Many A's get the first one, but never decide to get to the second one. One of the horrible realities of this disease. Some people know they are sick, and choose to die from it.
She is an adult, and truthfully can live her life how she pleases. By supporting her, (putting a roof over her head, picking up the pieces of her disasters, cushioning her fall in any way shape or form, paying for rehab that she doesn't want) you are keeping her from dealing with the consequences of her actions and decisions. This makes it easier for her to continue drinking.
You can't help someone who doesn't want help. I know you are your family mean well, believe me, we have all been there. I know it sounds hard to believe, but you are not alone in this fight. But it is a fight you simply cannot win. The longer you try to "help" her, the longer it will take for her to get better.
There is help for you and your family though, during this hard time. A fellowship called Alanon, (not AA, some people get confused). It's for anyone whose life has been affected by someone else's drinking. Your family and you can benefit greatly from the wisdom there. Lots of encouragement, understanding, and strength in those rooms.
God has a plan for your sister. The best thing to do is get out of His way.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 2,052
Consider not spending time, money, and energy trying to fix her. She isn't committed to being fixed. If you need to waste another $10k, I'll gladly help you do so.
Start spending time, money, and energy on yourself. Step one, IMHO, is to go to a few Alanon meetings and see what you think. Make the rest of your decisions from there, and make them for yourself.
Good luck,
Cyranoak
Start spending time, money, and energy on yourself. Step one, IMHO, is to go to a few Alanon meetings and see what you think. Make the rest of your decisions from there, and make them for yourself.
Good luck,
Cyranoak
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 86
Great responses - yes yes yes. You cannot fix your sister, you have no control over her addiction. I have learned in Al Anon that I became sick myself worrying, trying to fix it, denying it, etc. It is an every day struggle, just as the addict, for me to not want to react or try to control. I've created boundaries with my AH, he's in recovery now (for the 2nd time). He relapes but knows he needs to work on his underlying issues and it's a struggle for him. I think of it as an illness - would I not care for him if he had the flu or cancer? I work on detaching with love and creating boundaries. Once I worked my program, he came to go to recovery all on his own - I did not demand it. Keep the faith! Al-Anon is the cheapest therapy you can get, and you'll find wonderful peeps who are very loving and supportive. Good luck to you and your family! 
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