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CURIOUS..who has known the difference?

Old 06-11-2011, 04:52 AM
  # 21 (permalink)  
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I wrote in my diary two months after I met him something like "I know nothing can come of this relationship because he's an alcoholic and I won't marry an alcoholic."

How did I know at that point, when he was 20 and I was 21, that he was an alcoholic and "buyer beware"?

He was two hours late for our first date because he needed liquid reinforcement to bolster his courage before he picked me up. He had bought tickets for a Broadway play and we didn't get there until intermission. I dated him anyway.

He always took me to "his" bars--the same way people take people to their homes. I dated him anyway.

My mother was president of a charity guild and there was a big benefit event. She invited us. He found this loser guy to hang out with the whole time, and I couldn't get him to leave even after we were the only ones left. He passed out in his car, which I couldn't drive because I didn't know how to drive a manual, and so I slept all night in the tall grasses of the parking area. I dated him anyway.

My mother, seeing how much like my father he was, cried herself to sleep every night according to my stepfather. I dated him anyway.

My mother told me I was settling for crumbs when I deserved the whole cake. I dated him anyway.

That took place within the first two months of our meeting. Two years later, in spite of what I told "dear diary," I married him anyway.
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Old 06-11-2011, 05:27 AM
  # 22 (permalink)  
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I knew he drank too much.
I'm not sure if I knew he was an alcoholic.
I was ignorant of such things.
I thought he'd 'settle down' once we were married and had kids.
God, I cringe even writing that out but its true.
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Old 06-11-2011, 11:40 AM
  # 23 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by outonalimb View Post
I knew he drank too much.
I'm not sure if I knew he was an alcoholic.
I was ignorant of such things.
I thought he'd 'settle down' once we were married and had kids.
God, I cringe even writing that out but its true.
Me, too. However, I didn't get to the kids part, although I think a part of me would have...it was on my mind.

I knew something was wrong. Had a long talk with my parents a month before our wedding. I concluded "stress" instead of "alcoholic". I wanted my dream, damn it!!
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Old 04-03-2015, 01:17 PM
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i know this is an old post. but it really made so much sense to me.

i knew my XH drank alot when i met him. i mistakenly thought that it was youth and being single and that once he got married and had kids it would get better. for the first 10 years of our marriage he did wonderful, our life was good and we were happy. i dont know WTF happened. i did not fully understand what being an alcoholic meant. i never dreamed he would just turn his back on his wife and kids and walk away into the sunset. i stood by his side thru 3 dwi, probations, jail time, interlock device, counseling and whatever. i foolishly thought that his love for me and the kids was enough and he would always "do the right thing"

i was wrong.

i was wondering what happened to the people in this post. if anyone is still on, can you tell us your stories since 2011? how are you doing now.
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Old 04-03-2015, 01:27 PM
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Sadly, m!k3 passed away last year. Before he did, though, he had moved to be close to his grandkids and was enjoying an awesomely happy life, thanks to a very solid recovery. I miss his being here, every day.
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Old 04-03-2015, 01:36 PM
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My AH was in AA when I met him and married him. 6 months into sobriety he started drinking again...said he wasn't an alcoholic...he was very different sober and going to meetings..I miss that man....
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Old 04-03-2015, 01:48 PM
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For me I got into a relationship with an alcoholic after my divorce. My ex husband was not an alcoholic and I was the one that did something horrible and left my marriage after 22 years. I was very down on myself. My children were very hurt and angry with me. I was unhappy for a long time and went off the deep end. I knew my abf drank a lot and he even warned me I shouldn't be with him because he was an alcoholic. I felt accepted by him and his family and felt like I could just be myself. I still have regrets about how I left my marriage. It was over 7 years ago but my oldest daughter is still very standoffish with me. I don't know how to repair the damage I caused. My family means everything to me. I was and probably still am very codependent when I got involved with an alcoholic. I learned ways to cope by coming here and have learned slowly to feel better about myself. Hope I answered your question. I did know he was an alcoholic but I didn't know how hard it was going to be or how it would make me feel like nothing sometimes. I learned on SR that we have to first look into ourselves and find out what is going on. Setting boundaries and not taking their insults personally was key. I still struggle at times but I am getting there. Good post
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Old 04-03-2015, 02:06 PM
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I knew he drinks, I thought it was all in good fun. You know, party it up in college.

Nope, he progressed right on to alcoholism....
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Old 04-03-2015, 02:20 PM
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I think my husband has been an alcoholic for a long time, well before he and I ever even met. This year is our 12 year dating anniversary and it's only the last 4 years that drinking has been a problem, only 2 years that I knew that it was alcohol causing him to act like Jekyl and Hyde. But his chewing tobacco...well I've been trying to control that ever since I met him.

Once we went on a double date to see a movie with friends and afterwards I refused to kiss him because he had been doing chewing tobacco in the theatre. Ew. I remember telling my friend that I was going to break up with him because the habit is so disgusting and I didn't want to kiss anyone that put that kind of garbage in their mouths, and who has a boyfriend that you don't want to kiss? Instead he started hiding it and lying about it. Anytime I found a can of chew, oh boy. It was basically training wheels for full blown alcoholism.
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Old 04-03-2015, 03:32 PM
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Well I guess he always was an alcoholic but eh progressive nature of it meant that there were years that I would have classified him as a heavy drinker. Then he started drinking during the day and hiding alcohol from when I was pregnant a couple of years ago. Obviously it has just gotten worse.
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Old 04-03-2015, 03:54 PM
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He was an alcoholic long before we got together. I had no idea exactly what that meant, to my knowledge, I had never really been around an alcoholic before. I just knew he "drank way more than I would like in a partner."

We were best friends for 4 years because I wouldn't date him, because he drank too much. Epic fishing / camping / travel buddies for 4 years after being acquaintances for 6 years before that. Our 'kids' (we each got puppies at the same time) became best friends too.

Dear blissfully ignorant (like myself) friends kept mentioning that he would probably settle down once he had a girlfriend. We grew to love each other as best friends do. Aside from some dates, I had been single for those 4 years...and I got lonely. I thought, well, if he doesn't chill out on drinking, I can just break up and we'll still be friends.

Famous last words.

Now, together together for 4 years, living together, everything meshed together, all that, he still "drinks more than I would like in a partner." Far more. It took moving in together for me to see exactly how much (which is a moot point now that I've learned that if I think it's too much, it just is). It took finding this place to learn what it all meant. For him and for me.

I'm so glad this thread was resurrected. Just when I start heading to the other side of the street, here y'all are to remind me of my responsibility. (((HUGS)))
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Old 04-03-2015, 04:10 PM
  # 32 (permalink)  
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I knew has was an alcoholic, or at least that he was drinking far too much. I also knew that he had taken heroin in the past, and I thought it was years ago. he said it was somewhere he would never go again. I was naive.

I let him know I was not interested in a relationship with someone who drank that much. He quit drinking for 8 months.

Shortly after that I married him. I had a suspicion that just sober wasn't enough, that he needed to be in recovery, and to me that was working some kind of program, but he said he had it handled. I doubted myself, thinking 'perhaps he knows best about his own recovery, we are all individuals'

1.5 years after being married he was using heroin - he picked up again - and it turned out his clean time was questionable.
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Old 04-03-2015, 04:16 PM
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Originally Posted by firebolt View Post
He was an alcoholic long before we got together. I had no idea exactly what that meant, to my knowledge, I had never really been around an alcoholic before. I just knew he "drank way more than I would like in a partner."

We were best friends for 4 years because I wouldn't date him, because he drank too much. Epic fishing / camping / travel buddies for 4 years after being acquaintances for 6 years before that. Our 'kids' (we each got puppies at the same time) became best friends too.

Dear blissfully ignorant (like myself) friends kept mentioning that he would probably settle down once he had a girlfriend. We grew to love each other as best friends do. Aside from some dates, I had been single for those 4 years...and I got lonely. I thought, well, if he doesn't chill out on drinking, I can just break up and we'll still be friends.

Famous last words.

Now, together together for 4 years, living together, everything meshed together, all that, he still "drinks more than I would like in a partner." Far more. It took moving in together for me to see exactly how much (which is a moot point now that I've learned that if I think it's too much, it just is). It took finding this place to learn what it all meant. For him and for me.

I'm so glad this thread was resurrected. Just when I start heading to the other side of the street, here y'all are to remind me of my responsibility. (((HUGS)))
Firebolt,

Oh that sounds so like what happened with me.

I was lonely too. And he was so kind.

And I did that thing where I thought, well I can give it a go, if it doesn't work I can just leave!

As if it is just this easy thing to do.

It's a kind of naivety, crossed with arrogance. Perhaps a little like to Alcoholics and Addicts who think they can control their drinking and just stop if it gets too much....

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Old 04-03-2015, 04:32 PM
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First husband: Insane alcoholic when I met him. After almost three years together (met in college, continued via semi-long distance), and a single AA meeting (he was interested but wanted to try to do it alone), I said I needed a good long break from the insanity. While we were apart he went back to AA and has been continuously sober for the past 35 years.

Second husband: Met in a bar. When I slept over at his place he served me wine and fruit for breakfast. Moved in together within a couple of weeks. Noticed a copy of AA's Big Book in his apartment, asked why he had it. He "used to have a drinking problem, but OK now." Not true. Became drinking buddies. He gets pneumonia, has horrible withdrawal, liver/kidneys shut down, comatose, near death, told will definitely need liver transplant. IF he lives. He gets sober, briefly, learns he has EARLY cirrhosis. He has a couple of slips, convinces me he's done. We get married, move across the country, he starts drinking as much as before, I move out a few months after we married, divorced following year. Never looked back.
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Old 04-03-2015, 05:59 PM
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I met AH in a bar.
We were both drinking a lot back then, but it was fun. No fighting or any of the other ugly stuff.
It wasn't until I got pregnant with our first and I stopped drinking that things started to change. And then it just got worse and worse from there......................
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Old 04-03-2015, 06:08 PM
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This is so interesting to me. I got married at 23! A baby. I drank a lot too. We did together. He shared he had experimented with drugs and I drew a line, no frogs "just" alcohol. He self identifies becoming an alcoholic v. A partier at 35 - when our oldest was diagnosed with autism. I got responsible, he got nuts.
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Old 04-03-2015, 06:12 PM
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He was an alcoholic when I met him 14 years ago but it wasn't as out of control as it became during the latter years of our marriage. I of course thought I could change him. I naively thought it was just his circumstances (living with his parents at 26 years old, no money for college, etc.) and that if he had the love of a good woman (me) he'd see his potential and we'd live happily ever after.

Fast forward 14 years, we're divorced and he's back living with his parents - being hounded by creditors.

I'm angry with myself at times for getting involved in the first place, actually marrying him and not leaving sooner. Then I look at my son and realize that something wonderful came from that mess. It wasn't all bad but by the end it was enough bad that I couldn't enjoy the good anymore.
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Old 04-04-2015, 05:48 AM
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Mine was sober for many years when we met. He relapsed close to a year after we moved in together. Relapse was short but very stressful for me.

He has been on chronic pain meds for 13 years. He was abusing them around the time of relapse but hasn't since. Last year he decided he did not want to be on them anymore. He has worked diligently with his doctor to get off of them. It was 4 months of living with an a**hole. Aside from his relapse with alcohol that was the first time in a long time I considered throwing in the towel. It had all become too much. Now he is good, really good. It will be about 4 more months before he is completely off them I am not anticipating more personality issues as the past two months of reduction have gone smoothly.

Couple things about this whole experience. I knew nothing about what I was getting myself into. I suppose I viewed addiction like getting a cut that needs stitches - if you have a problem you just go and take care of it. HAHA on me. For all the hell it has been at times I like myself better and REALLY appreciate the knowledge I have gotten out of Al Anon and SR for MY problems that were many. I have a very good relationship with my husband, the best I have ever had for all the problems we have (so far) overcome, he is an amazing person.

I wouldn't advise anyone to ever, ever become involved with someone with issues of this nature. The risk factor is way too high. While possible to recover, I do believe it is few that accomplish it for a lifetime. And of course lifetime is a key word, I am also aware that RAH could fall off the wagon 1 year or 20 years from now. I will get off at that stop if so.
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Old 04-04-2015, 06:06 PM
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When I met my ex- addict/alcoholic bf, eventually to become an ex-fiance, I was 15. We didn't see a lot of each other until I was 17. When we met he was on methadone. I think. During our time together he cleaned up and relapsed over and over and over and over.

Like others have said - I didn't know how bad it would get. I was blinded by my adolescent version of "love" and idealism. Our love would conquer all.

When I look back on it I still cannot believe how stupid I was. Being with him was the biggest mistake of my life. Leaving him (4 drama-filled years later) was the best decision I ever made.
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Old 04-04-2015, 10:24 PM
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I find this thread really helpful.

We used to hang out in the bar in college. Everyone seemed to hang out in the bar. But in truth, my dad was a profound functioning alcoholic, so it it didn't occur to me as something to question.
When he said he was interested and I said I didn't want to date a smoker, I thought I was so self actualized. Then he insisted he was quitting anyway and I believed him. Even when he smoked in secret and lied about it. Even when I knew deep down, and he denied it, and I believed him over myself. Even when I caught him at it and he cried his eyes out and I stayed with him.
I didn't believe it was a problem when I discovered an empty beer bottle in his truck cab and he insisted it was from taking the recycling out (he always took recycling in the back, not in the cab.
I didn't believe it when I found his alcohol stash in the garage with his tools and he said there was no more space in the pantry.
I didn't believe it when I would wake in the night and I would find him awake drinking wine.
I didn't believe it when he'd quietly set his wine glass down on the ground, out of my sight, when I walked into the room.
I just DID'T WANT TO BELIEVE IT. Really, really a lot, apparently.
It took quite a bit to get me to see.
Later, his mother (a recovering alcoholic) told me she had known about my XAH for years.

The red flags were all there.
It was me that refused to look at them.
Some part of me knew all along.

That is, pardon the pun, quite sobering.
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