m1k3

Portia, I truly wish you the best in this. The hardest lesson for me to learn and accept was that I couldn't do anything to help her with this addiction. Look at step 1. We admitted we were powerless over others - that our lives had become unmanageable.

There is nothing you can do to help or hinder them in their recovery. I feel that you, much like a younger me, feel that you can help the love of your life to safely steer through this. Unfortunately you can't. Feel free to bring this up at your next al-anon meeting.

Your friend,

mattmathews

I'm only a year into this, so what do I know? But here are a couple of things I've learned in recovery:
The opposite of love isn't hate, it's indifference. When my recovering AW went on her last bender I didn't care if she lived or died. (Although truthfully I didn't really know that she could die). I think that if she had died I would have just felt a sense of relief and I would have gone on with my life. But I wouldn't have found Al-Anon and I wouldn't be in recovery and I wouldn't know why the "source" of my misery was gone, but I still felt horrible. One year in Al-anon and I feel better now.
I wouldn't have learned, from a very compassionate counselor, that alcoholism was a disease my AW had...but that being an alcoholic didn't define who she was. For me, (and maybe I'm just stupid or lucky), that allowed me to forgive...a lot.
I've learned that getting sober is easy. Recovery is work. By staying in my wife's life, when the easy thing to do would have been to leave, I've had the pleasure of seeing the woman I married re-emerge and grow! And I believe that she's seen changes in me. I've seen changes in me. At 51, it's not too late to grow up! Who knew?
One example of those changes...last February 14th was the first time in at least a decade that I didn't feel sick to my stomach just reading Valentines Day cards. That's progress, right?
I know it's hard. I know we built up soooo many negative emotions. I know that some of us are living with people that we really shouldn't be.
Alcoholism kills a lot of people, and it's a slow, ugly way to die. And what, maybe 2% of alcoholics recover? The odds are against us. But miracles do happen.
Just speaking for myself, I married my best friend. And I'm happy to see her back. The future is an illusion, all we really have is today. And just for today, I'm going to enjoy what is beautiful.

dancingnow

SH 1 1/2 years ago I too felt my AH owed me something. I was going down that path of anger and resentment and not accepting that my life was not the life I wanted it to be.

What I found out in this last year was that I was the one who owed myself. I owed myself time to take care of myself, alanon, SR, meditation. I owed myself compassion and forgiveness.

I still need to remind myself to take one day at a time but now that I have learned to take care of myself and to speak in a softer voice when addressing my AH I can think about accepting and forgiveness and letting go of the past.

Portia123

Mike: Thanks for your best wishes, I appreciate it. That was the hardest lesson for me Step 1. But Step 1 is a blessing to me - wow, how much weight was lifted off of me when I worked this step. I totally understand where you are coming from. I have and had a lot of pain, anger, resentment, etc., over his addiction and how it affects our lives. Just like others here. I read the normies thread you suggested and did see alot of what I experience in there (I offered my own post too). I do have my many MANY moments when I think about divorce, his dying so my life would be easier, and all that other "stinking thinking", I'm not at all sugar coating. I could write a book, as I suspect many others can, of how this disease has effected my mental health. I work too hard on all of this, harder than any "normie" should, so I carry around alot of resentment about that.

I believe that my "help" comes in the form of how I handle myself. By supporting him in going to family counseling and by detaching with love when the behavior is happening, by using behavioral psychology learned from my counselor, by setting boundaries and by using the tools I learn in counseling and AlAnon, it helps me, not him.

This disease is pervasive and mind-boggling to me. When he is drinking, I offer no help, excuses, enabling - I leave him to his devices and detach from him (with love). It is the hardest thing I've ever encountered in my life. Our marriage is strong - except for THIS.

When I find my life unmanageable, I go the the tools. I try to count whatever blessings I have. Once I got off his back and applied the tools, MY life got better. I know and understand too well his sobriety depends on him. I cannot control him, I cannot stop it, I cannot cure him - I can only strive for my own behavior and feelings toward him so as not to contribute to it. I'm learning to take all focus off of the AH and keep it all on me and how I take care of myself. I will not and cannot not help if appropriate with the tools.

This is how I feel today. I may, and no doubt will, post at some time about current frustrations and anger - I'm just sayin' TODAY, this is how I feel. Tomorrow, may be a whole different story.... yes, it is a continuing saga, as sad as it is.

God bless you, Mike.

Tuffgirl

I found talking about the anger is most helpful, especially with people who can relate. It's the three A's...awareness, acceptance, action. You are aware of your own feelings now. That's a great first step. Acceptance takes time. I moving from that stage to action right now and it has been 9 months in Al-Anon and 6 months reading and posting here. I also recognize I will move between the three A's often...its not a step 1, 2, 3 in a straight line.

You are not alone in your anger. Hoping that hearing this brings you some comfort today. That's why alcoholism is called a "family disease".

I found journaling really helps. When I go through extreme periods of anger toward my RAH, I write him letters that I will never send, nor share. But on those pieces of paper, I get to pour out all the anger and its such a release! I go back and read those and think "wow I was seriously pissed off!"...and it helps me see that each day gets a little better.

Hang in there!
~T

LexieCat

I dunno...

I think taking care of ourselves and detaching does indirectly help the alcoholic. And I do think that enabling, excusing, absence of boundaries indirectly hinder their motivation to recover.

That said, we can't hurry it up for them. Doing all the right stuff won't get them there if they aren't ready. BUT it does US a LOT of good. We start regaining ourselves as whole people, separate from the alcoholic. We start realizing that we are responible for our own well-being--that we don't have to wait for the alcoholic to get sober to pursue our own happiness and wholeness. Sometimes that means leaving. Sometimes it means adjusting our lives so we don't have to be victims anymore. Each situation is different, each alcoholic is different (despite common threads) and each person's individual tolerance for certain things is different. What is tolerable to one person is intolerable to another. One of the reasons we have to be careful of telling each other what to do. Short of physical abuse or severe financial/emotional/verbal abuse, most things are not an emergency, and drastic steps don't need to be taken immediately.

LaPinturaBella

^^^^^^^^Which is the one area that I absolutely believe Love Does And Will Prevail...Loving Ourselves.

Portia123

I so agree with you, Matt. Great post, thank you!

wanttobehealthy

Saberhead-
I'm wondering if you're struggling in some way with this forgiveness and anger thing bc he expects you to forgive and be okay and happy that he's a whole week sober? Does he have that mentality?

I ask bc that was "expected" of me by my AH when he'd stop drinking for a short time here and there and on top of the anger I already felt, that just compounded things. He would literally expect me to kiss his feet and think that he was the prince his sick FOO tells him he is simply bc he didn't drink for one night or bc he "lied less" or "only had beer instead of vodka".

I hope that your bf isn't doing any of that and I just wanted to share this in the event that he is and remind you as others have that 1 week of sobriety does not require that you suddenly forgive and believe things will be okay...

Hang in there!