How deep our dreams grow their roots
 

I've been away & separated from my A for almost a year now. I've grown in strength and independence. I've worked my recovery to where, most days, if not "serenity," at least I feel a calm and abiding joy. Our kids are calmer, stronger, less skittish and less scared to take up room in the universe.

I've met a new man with whom I have a great relationship without any power struggles. Oh, and without any alcohol or drugs.

I'm really in a good place. (Most days; you know how that goes...)

Lately, I've been having dreams.
You see, up till this points, I have just been having nightmares about AXH.
But now, I'm having dreams, like:

AXH, the kids and I are on vacation. We're all huddled around the table looking at a map of the small mediterrenean town where we're staying, wondering if the kids can handle the hike down to the medieval castle by the water? We're happy. I wake up with this "Oh thank GOD" flood of tears of relief because he has quit drinking and we have the loving family life that I always wanted us to have.

In reality, he's still drinking. He's still emotionally and verbally abusive.

But it struck me this morning that those dreams I had when I married him 20 years ago really have some deep roots. In my dreams, I'm fixing everything so that it's OK. And I didn't realize how much I need to grieve that dream. That's OK. I've been busy living.

Those kinds of dreams die hard. But at least you can experience those feelings without falling to pieces. That's progress!

I am happy for you, lillamy. I look forward to writing the same thing in a while...well...the kids are already doing much better now that we are away from the chaos. It's nice!