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He is improving

Old 06-09-2011, 05:26 PM
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He is improving

Yet I feel that I am not. I can't let go and trust him again. I can't try. I don't know how to deal with the feelings of wanting to run away as fast as I can. I feel trapped.

He is making major strides. Selfishness and manipulation are essentially gone, and when they do shoe themselves he is quick to make amends. Why can't I just let this go? Why do I way t to run away?

In Al-Anon, have a sponsor.

Him being nice/normal/working toward healthy is what I have wanted for so long. Why am I having such issues with it?

Thanks for letting me share.
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Old 06-09-2011, 05:33 PM
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The way you are feeling is totally understandable. A few weeks or months of improvement don't make up for years of chaos and dysfunction. It's good that he is trying, but you can't just flip a switch and forget the past. Unfortunately, some marriages don't survive this issue. I hope you continue with al-anon and just allow yourself some time to absorb everything that is happening. I also hope that your husband isn't expecting your to just forgive and forget the past, either. Hopefully he knows it's going to take you some time too.

Don't be so hard on yourself. What you are feeling is perfectly normal under the circumstances.
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Old 06-09-2011, 05:38 PM
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Thanks Sunk. I really wish I could start the relationship over and have made the right decisions (not let myself get addicted to him) then. If I knew then what I knew now I would not have stayed in the situation.
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Old 06-09-2011, 05:45 PM
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I agree with Suki. Allow yourself time to work through your feelings, and don't be so hard on yourself.
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Old 06-09-2011, 05:47 PM
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Well, we can't change our past, but it's never too late to change our future. Always remember you have options. You aren't trapped even if sometimes it feels that way. I hope everything works out in the best way for both of you.
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Old 06-09-2011, 07:16 PM
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You seemed pretty focused on the progress he is making in his recovery, and you don't seem to be pleased with your own. I want you to be pleased with your own!

I ws just reading in "Transforming Our Losses" about being careful what you wish for, and that popped into my head when I read your post. We see so many posts on here where people say, "if they just stopped drinking, everything would be perfect", or something to that effect. Unfortunately it doesn't work that way. There is alot of work ahead, for both parties, if a relationship is going to recover from the effects of this disease. Many times, one or both parties become different people during the process of recovery, and discover that they just don't fit anymore. Others are drawn closer and closer during the course of their growth. You never know how it will turn out.

I do know this, I think it's more important to forgive yourself before you even think about trying to forgive him. You did the best you could with the tools you had available, and beating yourself up for staying in a relationship that you really hoped would work is not constructive hun... be gentle with yourself, it's so important. You did the best you could.
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Old 06-09-2011, 07:56 PM
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Hugs Puttingmeon!!!

How long has he been sober and working his recovery? I'm glad he is working it and making progress. Now, for the meat of your post...

Please do not beat yourself up. The dynamic in your relationship has changed...again. It's understandable that you are feeling out of sorts. The old dynamic, as stressful as it was, was "normal." I mean that it became the norm and it became what you knew. Things have changed again. He is working to recover. It's new, and therefore stressful as well. Different, better, but stressful nonetheless.

Also, of course it's hard t trust him now. Even if he's 1000000% trying and a different person, you have learned that when you trusted him, you got hurt. It will take time. It's still baby steps, for both of you. Try to see him as he is today, and definitely continue working your program. The stronger you get within yourself, the better you'll feel about yourself. The more you trust yourself, the more you'll be able to trust others. Again, this will take time. And the letting go will fall into place.

I hope this helps. And I wish you and hubby all the best. It's a good start, but still difficult.
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Old 06-10-2011, 08:43 AM
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You want to run away because you don't want to continue being afraid of the other shoe dropping-- you don't want to be there when he relapses and the trust you've built back up burns like gasoline.

At least that's why I do...

Cyranoak
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Old 06-10-2011, 09:39 AM
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C - yeah, I think that is it. Or I don't want to be there when he starts not caring again.

I have had my hopes built up and demolished so many times in our 9 months of marriage. It is not supposed to be like this.

He said last night he wished there would be a sign from god about whether or not we are going to be ok. You and me both buddy.

I am terrified to invest more when he has let me down so many times in the past.
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Old 06-10-2011, 09:49 AM
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Originally Posted by putmeontheair View Post
I am terrified to invest more when he has let me down so many times in the past.
That's completely understandable. Just continue to invest in your own recovery. I promise you will be okay.

I don't know what the future holds for your marriage, but I promise you will be okay.
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Old 06-10-2011, 11:52 AM
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•Don't invest more in a relationship than you can afford to lose - Dr. P.

I invested way more then i could afford to lose in my marriage to my AH which brought on alot of anxiety. Even tho he is a RAH now, i lessen the "investment" by setting boundaries and having a "backup" plan in case of a relapse and this has eliminated alot of the anxieties that i had before.
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Old 06-10-2011, 12:24 PM
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Originally Posted by LaPinturaBella View Post
Hugs Puttingmeon!!!

How long has he been sober and working his recovery? I'm glad he is working it and making progress. Now, for the meat of your post...

Please do not beat yourself up. The dynamic in your relationship has changed...again. It's understandable that you are feeling out of sorts. The old dynamic, as stressful as it was, was "normal." I mean that it became the norm and it became what you knew. Things have changed again. He is working to recover. It's new, and therefore stressful as well. Different, better, but stressful nonetheless.

Also, of course it's hard t trust him now. Even if he's 1000000% trying and a different person, you have learned that when you trusted him, you got hurt. It will take time. It's still baby steps, for both of you. Try to see him as he is today, and definitely continue working your program. The stronger you get within yourself, the better you'll feel about yourself. The more you trust yourself, the more you'll be able to trust others. Again, this will take time. And the letting go will fall into place.

I hope this helps. And I wish you and hubby all the best. It's a good start, but still difficult.

This is so perfect for me. I never thought about it this way.
It's so obvious now that Im reading this, the dynamic has changed and yes, its weird because what was "normal" is now normal, but its a different normal....if that makes sense.


I too am still so angry at my bf for what Ive gone through this year. His alcoholism has built up inside me so much. I feel internally turbulent and stormy. I almost cant keep myself from crying every couple hours. All I can do is try and analyze those feelings and then if I feel the need to tell him. I dont really want to rub it in though, hes trying to stay sober and hes on his first week. His guilt for other things is what drives him to drive so Im being careful.


So my advice is the same to the OP. I know what youre going through. Im so angry too, and so sad at the same time. Everything is weird now and different. We havent had sex in over a week even though Im dieing for some affection and love from him right now hes just not in mindset to give it to me. I would do anything to have him just hold me and tell me its going to be ok, but I will just have to do this myself.

Try an analyze what youre feeling and realize it takes time.Im going through the same thing. I know its tough <3
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Old 06-10-2011, 05:08 PM
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I wish...

...nine months in I had the courage and wisdom to leave my wife. The last 13 years probably would have been as good as the 13 before her were.

Big mistake. Big, big mistake.

Take care,

Cyranoak


Originally Posted by putmeontheair View Post
C - yeah, I think that is it. Or I don't want to be there when he starts not caring again.

I have had my hopes built up and demolished so many times in our 9 months of marriage. It is not supposed to be like this.

He said last night he wished there would be a sign from god about whether or not we are going to be ok. You and me both buddy.

I am terrified to invest more when he has let me down so many times in the past.
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Old 06-10-2011, 05:56 PM
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It is sad, but I almost wish he would drink again. Would give me what I think is a solid reason to go. Ugh.
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Old 06-10-2011, 06:00 PM
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Originally Posted by kittykitty View Post
You seemed pretty focused on the progress he is making in his recovery, and you don't seem to be pleased with your own. I want you to be pleased with your own!

I ws just reading in "Transforming Our Losses" about being careful what you wish for, and that popped into my head when I read your post. We see so many posts on here where people say, "if they just stopped drinking, everything would be perfect", or something to that effect. Unfortunately it doesn't work that way. There is alot of work ahead, for both parties, if a relationship is going to recover from the effects of this disease. Many times, one or both parties become different people during the process of recovery, and discover that they just don't fit anymore. Others are drawn closer and closer during the course of their growth. You never know how it will turn out.

I do know this, I think it's more important to forgive yourself before you even think about trying to forgive him. You did the best you could with the tools you had available, and beating yourself up for staying in a relationship that you really hoped would work is not constructive hun... be gentle with yourself, it's so important. You did the best you could.
Great thread and I love this response. Forgiving ourselves is very hard because we are very hard on ourselves to begin with. The other day I came across a letter that I didn't send only because it would have been dated. But I read it with a clearer head and I didn't at all hear any whining or neediness that I had assumed I projected. I was so hard on myself. I am trying to work through it but when you do, you will feel more balanced.

Healing takes time. For both of you.
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Old 06-10-2011, 09:25 PM
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Why are you waiting for an "excuse" to leave? I know it's hard to take responsibility for our own feelings, but if it's not working for you AND you give yourself permission to take care of yourself, you will be taking one huge step towards liking and respecting yourself. And those two things feel awesome!
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