?? after visit with counselor...
 

I met with my counselor for the 2nd time yesterday and it was absolutely amazing!! I tried not to focus on my AH, but on myself, though we began by talking about him a little bit and I was amazed by what the counselor "knew" without me saying anything. It was very reassuring in a strange way...validating. Anyway, we switched over about halfway thru talking about me and how I got to this place, and what I am doing for me. All in all, it was really great. However, this is what I started thinking on my way home...and of course I don't see my counselor again for a month. My counselor, based on what I have said about my stbxah behavior, stated that he had probablly been abused in his past in some way, knowing his parents were both alcholics makes me think he is probablly right. Anyhow, here is where the codie in me comes out......I feel like I should help him, not run away...even though EVERYTHING in me knows better. Why can't I just leave him to figure it out, why that incessant need to help, and to even feel a bit quilty about seperating - afterall he is absolutely HORRIBLE to me!! Thoughts please.....help me understand - and I know that his past in NO WAY justifies the way he treats me, but I NEED some perspective!!

of course you wish to help. that's what you're all about.

think of it this way; your "helping" is really hurting. that's not just a statement designed to manipulate you, it is really true. so...if you can get your head around that, really get it, and see it for the truth that it is, then ask yourself why would you want to stick yourself into his business and try and "help" the old way?

could it be that Ego is involved?

what helped me was:
1. understanding that every time i got compliance, it wasn't the real deal anyway
2. understanding that every time my xabf "got" something (good), that was what sort
of stuck
3. believing that if there was a big paradigm shift, and a shift in the way we related
to one another, he would be too healthy to still be attracted to me. i didn't want
to be a mother figure, i wanted to be a lover, an equal. it was probably not ever
gonna happen.
4. realizing that i either respected him or i didn't.
if i had respect for the person that i believe he is capable of being, then my
"help" was showing incredible disrespect.

Moni, did you end up filing for divorce on May 18th as you had planned?

:grouphug:

Why do you do what you do? For me it was love, false hope, duty and the belief I could fix it. After all i was her husband and it was my job to fix it.

We are all here because of we have or are going through the same thing as you. You are not alone and you are not crazy.

Now, something you have probably heard before here but need to here again.

YOU didn't cause it
YOU can't control it
You can't cure it.

You can only take care of yourself.

You will find support, sympathy, wisdom and strength here. Visit often and try al-anon.

You have my prayers.

Your friend,

Abuse is a touchy subject, especially to those who have endured it. If he truly was abused, only he can decided when and most importantly IF he wants to deal with it. As it is with alcoholism, when he decides he needs help, he will find it. Until then, trying to help him get there sooner than later will only lead to problems, and resentment towards you.

Of course he was abused in some way by his A parents... he abuses you, right? Mentally physically, emotionally, whatever the type may be, he learned it from somewhere. Probably the parents.

For whatever reason (everyone has different backgrounds) it is ingrained in us to try and help. to try and fix things. Try not to be so hard on yourself when you slip back into the codie mode... it took a long time for you to get this way, it's probably going to take a while to change it. It's not a light switch, you can't just turn it off. Be gentle with yourself, at least you recognize that you are doing it!

When I posed the same question to my counselor, she told me this:

"That's your ego talking. He doesn't NEED you, he NEEDS AA. I was offended when she said it. But, looking back, she was right. I thought I was the answer to his problems. I thought I had the power to solve them, make him better. It was my ego. I had no power to help him. I didn't even have the power to help myself at the time.

I wanted to make myself feel better by helping him, but that was only because it seemed easier than doing what I had to do for myself.

L

Thank you....gerryP I did not file yet...not because the papers aren't ready, they are, but i was a money issue. I am off work for the summer now, and have a second income during that time - so will be doing it very soon.