fedup3

Three weeks ago I wrote that I called off the divorce because I believed that AH was dying and what was the point in getting the divorce, well I still believe he's not long for this world but I just can't deal with him anymore so by the end of this month we will be divorced. He is so so I can't even come up with a word to describe him! He doesn't bathe anymore or shave, wears the same clothes day after day, no hygiene, drunk non stop, mean, angry, nasty, depressed and by doing this he thinks he's punishing me! Last week I decided to get back on track with the divorce when I came home from an appointment with my oncologist to know whether or not this thing in my lung was cancerous and my AH is passed out on the floor in the living room with the car parked in the middle of the driveway and a half gallon of vodka in a bag and only a third of gallon of vodka left on the seat of the car. I'm assuming he couldn't wait to drink it when he got home, he had to guzzle it down while he was driving. Later that night he decides he's hungry so he puts a pizza in the broiler and proceeds to pass out, thank God I smelled it burning from the other end of the house! I'm freaking knowing I have to go out of town for business in a couple of weeks and is he going to burn down the house while I'm gone?!!

I have to get off this roller coaster before I lose my mind.

dollydo

I believe this to be a wise decision.

Take care of you!

Latte

Give him a few #'s to local hospices and finish up the divorce. Self preservation is obviously necessary here. I'm sorry this is happening.

kittykitty

That's the great part about my HP, when i haven't learned a lesson yet, He'll always come up with a way to give me another chance to learn it. I'm glad you are getting out of this. Life is too short and precious to put it in someone else's hands, especially when those hands are turning the broiler on and passing out with you in the house.

grateful101010

He sounds like a dangerous person to be around. He sounds like he is a threat to your physical and mental health. It's time to cut him loose. Very sad.

wanttobehealthy

Sounds like you are making the best decision you can for you. I'm sorry you're dealing with this.

Tuffgirl

I remember a few of those instances with the food...would find charred remnants in the oven or day old stuff in the microwave. Not good. My fear was the fireplace...he was a big fan of fires in the fireplace while intoxicated and I grew very afraid of him burning the house down with us in it.

Desperate times call for desperate measures. Take good care of yourself.
~T

Cyranoak

My wife did catch the house on fire. Neighbors called the fire department and the house survived ($80,000, new kitchen, complete sealant and repaint, and they cancelled my insurance policy-- had to pay a lot more for high risk for the next several years).

I'm not kidding-- remove everything you don't want burnt from the house if at all possible before you leave. Especially legal documents, SS Cards, Passport, etc.

Cyranoak

LaPinturaBella

Abandon Ship! Man YOUR OWN Lifeboat! This is downright dangerous and it's time to get the he double hockey sticks OUT! take everything you want to keep and put it in a small storage room. This situation is wildly unpredictable. And frankly, it sounds to me like he IS determined to drink himself to death. Literally.

zrx1200R

Run away. Fast. And don't look back. He is a grown man and makes his choices. Those choices have consequences. Really. Leave. Today. Why wait? Is it going to be easier on Friday?

Fandy

is there any way you can keep him out of the house while you are away???

i think you have suffered enough without more consequences of him driving, possibly hurting someone, losing your house to fire damage and increased insurance.

i hope you can survive this and rebuild your life.

Jadmack25

Having put out fires a few times in the griller, and saved a couple of saucepans from cremation (God knows what the residue inside was supposed to be), I can relate to fears of saying goodbye to your home.

Is there no way to have him placed in care as a danger to himself and others?
Crikey, what do you need to do to be considered a hazard, if driving drunk or leaving appliances on and passing out doesn't cut it?

Pity you don't have a Judge living next door to you, as then you could sweetly tell him,

"I will be away for a couple of days and leaving my drunken husband home alone, just him and his vodka. If you smell smoke or see flames could you call the fire dept please.
Hubby often leaves food to burn and I won't be home to save it for a bit."

That would set the cat amongst the pigeons and I bet hubby was out of the way while you were absent.

Oh well, guess that's my trip to Dream World for today.

fedup3

You are all right, he is just a mental case and I don't know where to turn. No one wants to get near him because they're all afraid him and I'm beginning to understand why I've put up with all his **** for all these years it's been because I've been afraid of him and what he might do if I tried to divorce him. Well no more, the end of this month I'll be divorced from him. He's not even getting a lawyer or contesting it because he can't do anything for himself anymore so he'll just let me have whatever I want knowing I won't screw him and will make sure he's taken care of. I refuse to be his mother any longer. I'm trying to get him on disability after serving in Viet Nam and even his benefits officer emailed me saying "As I said before the first move is up to him and him alone. Neither you or I can help him if he doesn’t want help." Maybe I should take his advice.

LaPinturabella I think you're right he wants to drink himself to death and have me watch!

Fandy

I need to ask you about the elephant in the room....

if he dies before you divorce him, is there any advantage for you financially? or would you have to assume his debts?

fedup3

I have been the sole supporter for years and blessed with a decent job and income, so there are no debts. Sad thing is I will be paying him alimony for all the wonderful years he's given me!

barb dwyer

actualy - if you show that he's never even attempted to get his vet benefits
a judge may not award him alimony.

if he's got other sources of income,
and is just to lazy to apply for them
a judge may count that.

just sayin.

Thumper

You could call the VA hospital and tell them about the situation. If you think he is mentally unable to ask for help (due to age or the alcohol affects etc.) on his own then tell them that. They might show up at the door and ask him to go to their hospital/rehab. Call the actual hospital, not a benefits counselor.

The VA has hospitals, rehabs, treatment centers, 'homes' for retired vets (people unable to work or live alone), programs galore. Each state is different, some with more or less, but I think each has a hospital at the least. My xah is sitting in one right now. He has gotten a ton of services from them - detox at least twice, out patient rehab, 8 weeks of inpatient rehab, a place to live for free right now (in exchange for work he does at a retirement home/assisted living center for vets). They are paying schooling. They did some paperwork for him regarding disability payments. It doesn't cost him anything.

I guess that phone call might be considered enabling but I don't know. Your husband seems so far gone - you thought he was dying last month. He's dangerous to himself and others at this point.

ETA - if that disability goes through he'll get the back payments from the time of disability until present. I agree with Barb - I'd definitely make that known when considering alimony.

fedup3

Thanks Barb and Thumper for the heads up with the VA. AH was just in the VA rehab in the fall and had therapy there and you would think that they could have figured out that he's not playing with a full deck, but when he's not drinking as you all know with your own he's totally different. Maybe I'll give the hospital a call and let them know what is going on with him and see what they advise.