Boyfriend Relapse

Old 06-07-2011, 03:19 PM
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Boyfriend Relapse

Im new to this forum but I have surfed around and I found this site very helpful.
My problem is dealing with the recent relaspse of my alcoholic boyfriend. We have been dating a little over two years and we both have been sober a year and a half. We moved six months ago to another town where we really didn't know a soul and everything has been fine up until about a month ago. My boyfriend started this new job in the resturant industry and in our attempt to meet new people we have been spending time outside of work with his co-workers who are heavy drinkers. Even before the going out with these people he had begun to justify drinking again. He would say he could limit himself to three drinks a month because a lot of other recovering alcoholics are able to drink again as long as they limit it. I however know from our past together that this can not be a reality for him.
I went out of town for a few days last month and came home to the shocking news that he had drank a few beers out with his friends. I of course was absolutly overcome with a feeling of dred because I know that once this cycle started again it would be a long road to get back.
From that point he told me he told me he was okay if he only had this select number of beers a month and I completly against it disagreed with him. It started small he would order a beer out a dinner where I couldn't make a big deal about it, he would say" look I just drank one and I'm fine.
This grew into him buying a six pack and drinking it at my family function and then grabbing a few beers before we ate dinner with his family. His family thinks he is still sober and I don't bear tell them he has relapsed because I'm afraid it will break their hearts. Last Sunday we went out with a group of his co-workers to a cigar bar which sold alcohol. We had a fight before we went about me not approving of his drinking because he had drank the four days prior to this. On this outing we ended up at the house of a co-worker where he drank at least four beers and proceeded to have two shots and a martini( liquor was something he vowed never to drink again)
After that night he admitted he had a buzz but he was still not who he used to be that he has grown so much since he started his sobriety. However last night we got into a discussing about my resentment towards his drinking and how I will never be okay with him drinking again. He told me as sweet as pie if I can have one more beer tonight then I will never drink again.. and I knowing his ******** tactics told him that he was lying to himself if he thought it was just one more. He then began to get teary eyed stating I didn't know how hard it was and how it was easy for be to be sober because I was recovering from a drug addiction and not an alcohol addiction. He said its everywhere and he doesn't know how to stay away from it. After this conversation he seemed to get very angry with me and began his imfamous silent treatment we went home and he immediatly grabbed the hidden beer he had out of the fridge and went outside, now I dont know if he was taking it to the dumpster or drinking it but he came in about 15 minutes later and spoke not a word to me, even when I urged him as best I could to just tell me what was bothering him. At this point I think he is angry because I dont believe him when he says he can keep it under control and he is angry because I dont know how to sympathize. I haven't had a drop to drink in over two years by choice. I just dont know how to deal with his relapse other than suggesting we go back to meetings on a regular bases. The true fact is I loved this man, but I don't know if I can go through another dark time with him. I want to be as supportive as I can but I really feel the only option would be for him to get another job away from the sale of alcohol and to start meetings again.. If anyone has any comments on how they think I could deal with this I would be very thankful.
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Old 06-07-2011, 04:15 PM
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Hi, Amborz,

I think I'd start with some Al-Anon meetings. I don't know whether you are in AA, but there are a lot of "double winners" out there. I'm not active in Al-Anon right now because I'm focused on my own AA and I'm no longer living with active alcoholism, but believe me, it was a lifesaver for me when I was.

Most important, you need to protect your OWN sobriety. It must be a very difficult situation for you. You gotta keep yourself healthy and sober, regardless of what he decides to do.

Stick around, you will find a lot of support here, too.
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Old 06-08-2011, 07:30 AM
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Hi Amborz, and welcome, i'm glad you are here.

Definitely recommend Alanon as well, it has helped me tremendously. I was raised by an A, have dated numerous addicts of all kinds, and recently left an active A who was in serious denial about his drinking problems. After 2 life threatening accidents, numerous traffic stops, and two stints in jail, license suspensions, all as a result of his drinking, he is still under the impression he can handle it. Still drives to the bar (without a license) gets drunk, and drives home. At 3 in the afternoon. Some of them just never get it, and they don't want to. Leaving him was the smartest thing I have done for myself in a long time.

It doesn't sound like your boyfriend wants to be sober anymore. Period. Dragging him to meetings, or trying to discuss 'what's bothering him' is not going to help the situation. What's bothering him is he wants to drink like a normal person, an HE CAN'T. That's what's bothering him. And you know he can't, and you're reminding him of that.

You've already seen the rapid transition from a few beers to hard liquor. He took a job in the restaurant industry, which has such a high rate of alcoholism I can't even tell you (I've been in and out of it for the last 20 years). He chose to hang out with heavy drinkers. He is under the impression that he can drink, and there is nothing you can do to change his mind. You can only decide if you want to have a front row seat to what is coming or not. And you know it's coming, otherwise you wouldn't be here.

He's putting himself, his own needs, and his own desires first in his life. So maybe it's time for you to do the same. That doesn't mean leave, that doesn't mean stay. That means focus on yourself, and what you need to do to stay happy and healthy in your sobriety.

Keep coming back, we are here for you, no matter what happens!
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