the importance of finding the right tool and forgiveness
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Seeking Peace
Posts: 1,371
the importance of finding the right tool and forgiveness
I love my toolbox. I'm a single mom who owns her own home. I have to fix things. As different projects pop up, I go out and buy a tool or two that I need to do the job and I'm amassing a very nice little tool collection. I'm especially proud of my power tools. What can I say...There's something about firing up an electric drill that excites me.
So what do my tools have to do with forgiveness you might ask??
Well... probably nothing...butI've been working alot on the concept of forgiveness. Specifically, trying to forgive myself for the mistakes I've made in the past when dealing with my exah and his alcoholism.
Looking back, it seems I just kept making the same mistakes over and over and over again. And sometimes I just get so freakin' angry and disgusted with myself. I've spent so much time and energy berating myself about how much I put up with, why didn't I love myself enough to put a stop to it sooner, what the hell is wrong with me...how could I subject my son to the insanity...I'm such an idiot...and on and on and on it goes. You know the drill...I'm sure you can all relate.
And although I've struggled with the concept of forgiveness when it comes to forgiving my exah and other people in my life, I've never really thought much about it when it comes to myself. And this is a shame. Because I really need to forgive myself because beating myself up is not going to accomplish anything.
I think maybe I can finally forgive myself. And it all goes back to the tool box analogy I started with.
I had a big problem in my life - a marriage riddled with addiction - and the ONLY tool I had to deal with this problem was the one I was given by my parents... My parent's tool box for marriage was to work really hard and make it work...no matter what. Failure was not an option. This tool worked for them. But it didn't work for me. You can't 'fix' an addiction-laden marriage or relationship any more than you can saw a piece of wood with a skrewdriver.
Oh sure, you can take the skrewdriver and stab at the wood and try to force your way through it, but you'll never get what you need...you'll never accomplish what you need to accomplish...you'll just end up with a piece of wood that's really damaged and looks like crap.
I didn't understand alcoholism was a disease. I thought love could conquer all. I really did. And I know why I thought this way....It's what I was taught growing up.
It took me a long time to realize that I needed to pick up some new tools to work my way through the problem. Why should I beat myself up over this? What good would it do??
So tonight...I just want to say that I forgive myself. I do. And I hope all of you can forgive yourself too. NObody ever said we had to be perfect and have all the answers. We just need to get the right tools. And for me, al anon and this Board are kind of like the Lowes and Home Depot of recovery. All the tools we need are there for the taking. And really, how great is that???
So what do my tools have to do with forgiveness you might ask??
Well... probably nothing...butI've been working alot on the concept of forgiveness. Specifically, trying to forgive myself for the mistakes I've made in the past when dealing with my exah and his alcoholism.
Looking back, it seems I just kept making the same mistakes over and over and over again. And sometimes I just get so freakin' angry and disgusted with myself. I've spent so much time and energy berating myself about how much I put up with, why didn't I love myself enough to put a stop to it sooner, what the hell is wrong with me...how could I subject my son to the insanity...I'm such an idiot...and on and on and on it goes. You know the drill...I'm sure you can all relate.
And although I've struggled with the concept of forgiveness when it comes to forgiving my exah and other people in my life, I've never really thought much about it when it comes to myself. And this is a shame. Because I really need to forgive myself because beating myself up is not going to accomplish anything.
I think maybe I can finally forgive myself. And it all goes back to the tool box analogy I started with.
I had a big problem in my life - a marriage riddled with addiction - and the ONLY tool I had to deal with this problem was the one I was given by my parents... My parent's tool box for marriage was to work really hard and make it work...no matter what. Failure was not an option. This tool worked for them. But it didn't work for me. You can't 'fix' an addiction-laden marriage or relationship any more than you can saw a piece of wood with a skrewdriver.
Oh sure, you can take the skrewdriver and stab at the wood and try to force your way through it, but you'll never get what you need...you'll never accomplish what you need to accomplish...you'll just end up with a piece of wood that's really damaged and looks like crap.
I didn't understand alcoholism was a disease. I thought love could conquer all. I really did. And I know why I thought this way....It's what I was taught growing up.
It took me a long time to realize that I needed to pick up some new tools to work my way through the problem. Why should I beat myself up over this? What good would it do??
So tonight...I just want to say that I forgive myself. I do. And I hope all of you can forgive yourself too. NObody ever said we had to be perfect and have all the answers. We just need to get the right tools. And for me, al anon and this Board are kind of like the Lowes and Home Depot of recovery. All the tools we need are there for the taking. And really, how great is that???
Member
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: California
Posts: 383
You do need to forgive yourself. You did the best you could with what you knew. It's really that simple. And I can soooo relate to the toolbox analogy...you need the proper tool to do the job correctly. Great post!
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
Exactly, you must forgive yourself.
The toolbox that your parents used 50 years ago, is no longer the toolbox of today. The issues faced yesterday are no longer the issues we face today.
The minset of people was sooo different, yes, there were alcoholics and addicts, they lived on the street, not in our houses, they were not selling drugs to our children at school, it was a different world, we now need different tools to fix our issues of today and, we all, man or women need to learn how to use them.
Your analogy really hit home for me!
Thank you for this post!
The toolbox that your parents used 50 years ago, is no longer the toolbox of today. The issues faced yesterday are no longer the issues we face today.
The minset of people was sooo different, yes, there were alcoholics and addicts, they lived on the street, not in our houses, they were not selling drugs to our children at school, it was a different world, we now need different tools to fix our issues of today and, we all, man or women need to learn how to use them.
Your analogy really hit home for me!
Thank you for this post!
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