gowest

Hi All,

Glad to know that soberrecovery is still here and feeling a little sad to be back in need.

Long story short:
bad divorce
rabf who relapsed - broke up
I found sr, alanon and worked on me
I went back to work, went back to school, and am 18 months away from graduating with a new degree (fist one is useless) and a measure of financial independence.
mom of two great teens and one old pooch

Current issue:
In a relationship that is about a year old.
Met through our dogs and took it nice and slow.
A good man. Kind, didn't ask for money, didn't want to move in, financially secure, has held a job at the same firm for over 20 yrs, lovely to his mother and siblings, lovely to me, my kids and my mother. Makes me laugh, folds my laundry, does the dishes, you name it ....

Since January his drinking has increased from "not noticeable" to "noticeable".

Codie in me started counting .... 4-5 glasses of wine in an evening that I could tell. (I know I can't control it, didn't try to, but I was curious)

Three specific times where he drank WAY TOO MUCH.

Red flags are waving wildly
Red flags are waving wildly
Red flags are waving wildly

I have my recovery
I know to keep the focus on me
I know I can live without him. Yay for recovery!
I come first. My studies come first.
I anticipate a break up coming.
I will be sad.
My kids will be sad.
I am forced again to wonder how I ended up with some one with a substance abuse problem when I was keeping my eyes WIDE OPEN.

Having him in my life is something that I have really enjoyed and I will be very sad to have to give that up.

Any support or words of wisdom would be greatly appreciated.

Freedom1990

Oh hon, it's not like it's tattooed on their foreheads! Gads I picked one in recovery when I was 4 years into my own recovery from alcoholism/addictions, and that blew up in my face. He relapsed eventually and I was right behind him.

Recovery brings us awareness, and sometimes that just isn't so pleasant, but it is what keeps us moving forward.

It's okay to be sad. Just don't beat up on yourself over this. Congratulations on being close to your new degree. That is a huge accomplishment, and I speak from experience.

Be good to yourself, okay?

MeredithD1

it's good to meet you, gowest; I'm sorry for the circumstances.

It's because your eyes are wide open that you are seeing the increase in the drinking and you know it's too much.

The fact you're sad but still holding yourself up on all other counts is remarkable.

The fact that your life has improved so much and you are doing so much with it is remarkable.

I give my best wishes to you.

gowest

Thanks for the words of encouragement.

Maybe it isn't "tattooed" on their foreheads, but now I'm beginning to believe it must be "tattooed" on my forehead. I have really worked on myself (with a therapist, in alanon, and alone) to try to not be the type of person who attracts addicts anymore

Back to work I suppose. I'm trying not to feel down about it, but I'd be less than truthful if I didn't admit that I already feel sad.

Just having the knowledge makes me feel sad.

I haven't quite figured out what I am going to do about it all either. Need to figure out exactly where my boundaries are vis a vis new surfacing behavior that I don't like and think is alcohol related.
I also have to decide how to handle it when these boundaries are crossed.

Weirdly enough not living with someone in certain aspects makes it more nebulous because the behaviors aren't always happening on one's own turf so to speak. So far the offending behavior hasn't happened in "my Home".

barb dwyer

Nice to meet you gowest - welcome back.

Cyranoak

Sometimes addicts are attracted to us, sometimes we are attracted to addicts, and sometimes we just get unlucky.

Sorry this is happening, but congrats on having done the work to recognize it, make the hard decision, and protect you and your kids.

Take care,

Cyranoak

Tuffgirl

Well, I for one, am most impressed that you see the red flags and are acknowledging them instead of burying your head in the sand with your rose colored glasses firmly in place. I think you are inspiring and I hope I can have eyes wide open like you instead of going ostrich...that has not worked for me yet!

That said, we don't see the behaviors underneath for a long time...everyone in a new relationship is on their best behavior.

Welcome back, thanks for sharing your story, and I hope this turns out to be something positive in the end.
~T

LaTeeDa

I once thought that my recovery would somehow protect me from getting involved with messed up people. Now I realize the world is full of messed up people and it's not always clear who is and who isn't. What recovery does for me is allows me to recognize the messed-up-ness and cut my losses. It also enables me to know that I don't need any particular person in my life in order to be complete, thus allowing me to move on when it becomes clear that it is the right thing to do--for me.

As my therapist once told me, "it's not about trusting them, it's about trusting yourself." It sounds to me like you've got that part figured out.

It is sad. Sometimes things in life are just sad. But at least it's not tragic. (Like spending 20 years trying to change him.)

L

dollydo

I am beginning to think I am a magnet for dysfunctional people, they all seem to gravitate to me....must be my perfume!

Recently met a nice guy, well we went to lunch (to get to know each other), he drank 4 large tap beers! That ended that. I thought, "This is getting Old."

At least now, I pay attention to the red flags, and run like h*ll.

Sounds like you have everything under control, keep using those tools in your toolbox!