Thought this might help some people...
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 1
Thought this might help some people...
My husband is in treatment, he went after I told him I was considering seperation. Im still considering it, but I found this list of things to do to help with detachment of your spouse. Basically, its to help you detach emotionally from them while working things out. I hope it helps someone. 
This is called the 180. Its basically how to respond to your spouse in a time of seperation, or when tey say they want to seperate. Im finding it very helpful:
1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or
implore.
2. No frequent phone calls.
3. Do not point out good points in marriage.
4. Do not follow her around the house.
5. Do not encourage talk about the future.
6. Do not ask for help from family members.
7. Do not ask for reassurances.
8. Do not buy gifts.
9. Do not schedule dates together.
10. Do not spy on spouse.
11. Do not say "I Love You".
12. Act as if you are moving on with your life.
13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive.
14. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get busy, do things, go to church, go out with friends, etc.
15. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words.
16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING.
17. You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse.
18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what she will be missing
19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Show her someone she would want to be around.
20. All questions about marriage should be put on
hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while).
21. Never lose your cool.
22. Don't be overly enthusiiastic.
23. Do not argue about how she feels (it only makes their feelings stronger).
24. Be patient
25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you.
26. Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to speak out.
27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil).
28. Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly.
29. Know that if you can do 180, your smallest
CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write.
30. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are desperate and needy.
31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse.
32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because she is hurting and scared.
33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel.
34. Do not backslide from your hardearned changes.
This is called the 180. Its basically how to respond to your spouse in a time of seperation, or when tey say they want to seperate. Im finding it very helpful:
1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or
implore.
2. No frequent phone calls.
3. Do not point out good points in marriage.
4. Do not follow her around the house.
5. Do not encourage talk about the future.
6. Do not ask for help from family members.
7. Do not ask for reassurances.
8. Do not buy gifts.
9. Do not schedule dates together.
10. Do not spy on spouse.
11. Do not say "I Love You".
12. Act as if you are moving on with your life.
13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive.
14. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get busy, do things, go to church, go out with friends, etc.
15. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words.
16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING.
17. You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse.
18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what she will be missing
19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Show her someone she would want to be around.
20. All questions about marriage should be put on
hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while).
21. Never lose your cool.
22. Don't be overly enthusiiastic.
23. Do not argue about how she feels (it only makes their feelings stronger).
24. Be patient
25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you.
26. Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to speak out.
27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil).
28. Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly.
29. Know that if you can do 180, your smallest
CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write.
30. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are desperate and needy.
31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse.
32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because she is hurting and scared.
33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel.
34. Do not backslide from your hardearned changes.
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Welcome to SR Steph!
Please feel free to read and post as much as needed.
Do you have a source/authorship for the list you presented?
I think it helps to give credit for material that we present, if we are not the original author.
I take issue with these items:
17. You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse.
18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what she will be missing
19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Show her someone she would want to be around.
Those look like, smell like and would feel like MANIPULATION.
Please feel free to read and post as much as needed.
Do you have a source/authorship for the list you presented?
I think it helps to give credit for material that we present, if we are not the original author.
I take issue with these items:
17. You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse.
18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what she will be missing
19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Show her someone she would want to be around.
Those look like, smell like and would feel like MANIPULATION.
Member
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Memphis, TN
Posts: 2,884
I've read through these a couple of times and they just don't feel right. What I getting from the OP is that you are doing these in the hopes of changing someone else's behavior.
For me detachment is something I use to change MY behavior.
Just my 2 cents.
For me detachment is something I use to change MY behavior.
Just my 2 cents.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 338
When I first saw this I thought "great"! A recipe for how to detach. Obviously I am doing everything wrong. As I read further on I realized that I had tried some of these things and it felt like I was not being true to myself-always on my best behavior and giving him way too much power over my life. It reminded me of those articles for 50's housewives on how to greet your husband after a long day in the work force. But I do agree that some of the items feel like they are manipulative and not the way I want to live my life.
I will ponder some of these, take what I want and leave the rest.
Maybe it will be helpful to some folks. We are a tough crowd. We question everything!
I hope it does not discourage you from coming back.
I will ponder some of these, take what I want and leave the rest.
Maybe it will be helpful to some folks. We are a tough crowd. We question everything!
I hope it does not discourage you from coming back.
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