Do you live with a recovering alcoholic?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Meeker, CO
Posts: 6
Do you live with a recovering alcoholic?
I am the ex-husband of a recovering alcoholic. We were married for 16 years before it became apparent that she was an alcoholic when she totally lost control and went into a rapid downward spiral. We divorced about a year or so later and she has moved to another state and has been sober for almost 3 years now and attends AA meetings regularly.
We have remained friends and recently met for a camping/fishing trip and spent 4 days together. We realize that we still love each other.
I am wondering if there is any chance of getting back together but have reservations. Would that be a good thing for her? I don't want to do anything that would start her drinking again. Has anyone here had to deal with this issue? I would like some guidance as I am very conflicted at the moment.
We have remained friends and recently met for a camping/fishing trip and spent 4 days together. We realize that we still love each other.
I am wondering if there is any chance of getting back together but have reservations. Would that be a good thing for her? I don't want to do anything that would start her drinking again. Has anyone here had to deal with this issue? I would like some guidance as I am very conflicted at the moment.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: FL
Posts: 63
I think anything is possible and it could go either way. It could turn out to be "happily ever after" or she could start drinking again. Take it slow.
It is also important to figure out if your OK with living with the "what ifs"
I do think it is a positive point that its three years later and she is still sober and still working recovery and has done it on her own.
I took my RAH right back in after Rehab and never actually got to see him work his recovery or even his life by himself. That has turned out to be a big mistake.
Best wishes to you and her.
It is also important to figure out if your OK with living with the "what ifs"
I do think it is a positive point that its three years later and she is still sober and still working recovery and has done it on her own.
I took my RAH right back in after Rehab and never actually got to see him work his recovery or even his life by himself. That has turned out to be a big mistake.
Best wishes to you and her.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
Yes it could turn out to be a very good thing for both of you. If she relapses it is because of her, not you. She could never relapse, or she could relapse once a year every year until she dies...who knows?
I think the bigger concern would be can you live a life with an RA? It comes with its own set of problems.
Three years under her belt is awesome. And there's something to be said for taking things slowly.
Good luck!
~T
I think the bigger concern would be can you live a life with an RA? It comes with its own set of problems.
Three years under her belt is awesome. And there's something to be said for taking things slowly.
Good luck!
~T
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Meeker, CO
Posts: 6
Taking it slowly is the only option. She was, and still is, the best thing that ever happened to me. She was definitely a co-dependent, doing everything she thought would make me happy. I gradually gave in to this behavior which made us both miserable. This forced her to make a choice I believe: divorce or drink and being a co-dependent, divorce just isn't an option! Too bad we didn't figure this out before that happened!
At the moment, I am most concerned with those old behaviors coming back. Of course now we are both aware so perhaps we can head them off before they take hold again. Another issue is her complete immersion into AA. I am not sure there is much time left in her day to share with a significant other, so I have to ask myself if I am willing to accept that.
There is a lot to think about for sure!
Of course I have not mentioned any of this to her. We have only talked about becoming close friends again which is fine with me at this point. Slow is very, very important.
Thank you all for your thoughts on this.
At the moment, I am most concerned with those old behaviors coming back. Of course now we are both aware so perhaps we can head them off before they take hold again. Another issue is her complete immersion into AA. I am not sure there is much time left in her day to share with a significant other, so I have to ask myself if I am willing to accept that.
There is a lot to think about for sure!
Of course I have not mentioned any of this to her. We have only talked about becoming close friends again which is fine with me at this point. Slow is very, very important.
Thank you all for your thoughts on this.
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Welcome to the SR family 2Ducky!
Have you considered joining Alanon? It would help you learn skills today that may help you as you pursue a friendship with a recovering alcoholic.
It is hard not to fall back into our old selves when we get together with people whom we are comfortable with or people we share a history with.
I am friends, on occasion, with my AXH (alcoholic ex husband). I am thankful for the tools I have learned in Alanon to keep myself on my side of the street while interacting with him.
Please make yourself at home by reading and posting as much as needed.
Have you considered joining Alanon? It would help you learn skills today that may help you as you pursue a friendship with a recovering alcoholic.
It is hard not to fall back into our old selves when we get together with people whom we are comfortable with or people we share a history with.
I am friends, on occasion, with my AXH (alcoholic ex husband). I am thankful for the tools I have learned in Alanon to keep myself on my side of the street while interacting with him.
Please make yourself at home by reading and posting as much as needed.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 338
That sounds like the beginning of a wonderful friendship. Then who knows. Don't begin projecting too much into the future. That is what causes me great anxiety. You are 2 different people now and I would caution you to think that your relationship will look anything like what it used to. And you are both aware. I think Al anon would help tremendously and help you keep the focus on you in this relationship. Very happy for you.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Ireland
Posts: 59
Happy for both of you. I sometimes wonder how many stories of people living happily with a Recovering Alcoholic dont make it onto this forum because they feel less need for SR once on that track.
If I get on this position I would be cautious but willing to give it some sort of shot if I wanted to.
It does happen.
Three years sober plus AA, sounds pretty good to me me.
Surprised Cyranoak hasn't responded on this thread yet!
If I get on this position I would be cautious but willing to give it some sort of shot if I wanted to.
It does happen.
Three years sober plus AA, sounds pretty good to me me.
Surprised Cyranoak hasn't responded on this thread yet!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 2,052
It's a crap shoot. It'll work, or it won't. Still not attracted to healthy, independent, non-alcoholic drug addict women, who don't "need you," eh? One thing's for sure-- it won't work if you aren't both working programs of recovery such as AA and Alanon.
Also, you aren't God. You can't make her drink. You are not responsible, in any way, for her sobriety. You can't do anything to make her drink. It is 100 percent on her, and zero percent on you. One of the most ridiculous thing those of us who love alcoholics think, say, and/or believe is that we can make the alcoholic drink.
No matter how horrible something is that can happen, if she drinks it's on her. Everything else is bull**** excuses.
You are 100 percent responsible for you. She is 100 percent responsible for her. In a relationship or not, this truth does not change.
Good luck.
Cyranoak
Also, you aren't God. You can't make her drink. You are not responsible, in any way, for her sobriety. You can't do anything to make her drink. It is 100 percent on her, and zero percent on you. One of the most ridiculous thing those of us who love alcoholics think, say, and/or believe is that we can make the alcoholic drink.
No matter how horrible something is that can happen, if she drinks it's on her. Everything else is bull**** excuses.
You are 100 percent responsible for you. She is 100 percent responsible for her. In a relationship or not, this truth does not change.
Good luck.
Cyranoak
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Meeker, CO
Posts: 6
Wow! So many very good responses!
First, I attended Alanon for the two years she drank heavily before the divorce. Because of the group dynamic (only 4 other people attended and one of them took control and was very confusing) it increased my anxiety. I found that for me counseling worked better. After problems with anti-anxiety drugs, including an atrio-fibrillation event, I am finally off of them and reasonably happy once again. It has been a long, tortuous road so far.
Last night I asked my ex if she thought we might someday get together again and I received the answer I thought I would: yes, but she is not ready yet.
We will continue to develop a friendship and who knows? There is another factor: I am 68 and as they say, "Time waits for no man."
First, I attended Alanon for the two years she drank heavily before the divorce. Because of the group dynamic (only 4 other people attended and one of them took control and was very confusing) it increased my anxiety. I found that for me counseling worked better. After problems with anti-anxiety drugs, including an atrio-fibrillation event, I am finally off of them and reasonably happy once again. It has been a long, tortuous road so far.
Last night I asked my ex if she thought we might someday get together again and I received the answer I thought I would: yes, but she is not ready yet.
We will continue to develop a friendship and who knows? There is another factor: I am 68 and as they say, "Time waits for no man."
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Meeker, CO
Posts: 6
Cyranoak:
I live in a small town of 2400 people, so finding an alanon group is difficult. The one I attended for 2 years was 40 miles away and didn't work for me. I have several lady friends who I met on the internet. I am heading to Alaska with one of them next week for a week of fly fishing. Two of these women have been quite independent and one I was very attracted to, but things did not work out because of philosophical differences. We are still friends.
I was quite needy for awhile after the divorce, but am now content to just be friends.
Life does hand us some strange cards at times and one thing is for sure: it is never boring!
I live in a small town of 2400 people, so finding an alanon group is difficult. The one I attended for 2 years was 40 miles away and didn't work for me. I have several lady friends who I met on the internet. I am heading to Alaska with one of them next week for a week of fly fishing. Two of these women have been quite independent and one I was very attracted to, but things did not work out because of philosophical differences. We are still friends.
I was quite needy for awhile after the divorce, but am now content to just be friends.
Life does hand us some strange cards at times and one thing is for sure: it is never boring!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Meeker, CO
Posts: 6
I have quite good writing skills (had one short story published) and have been thinking of writing a novel. I have decided that it will be based on my experiences over the past several years. It may never be published, but it will ast least be good therapy I think!
Thanks to you all for your good advise and conversation! I will do my best to heed it!
Thanks to you all for your good advise and conversation! I will do my best to heed it!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Ireland
Posts: 59
Originally Posted by Cyranoak 
One thing's for sure-- it won't work if you aren't both working programs of recovery such as AA and Alanon.
Is this for certain?
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