jamaicamecrazy

Lately when I think about how I got to this place I am now, I'm not sure what happened. I cold not explain succinctly to another person what happened between me and my AH. I think this past year has made me question my own perception of reality. Maybe that is the price to pay for having lived with a person who made up his own reality and I bought into it. (Can you tell I am in a cynical mood?)
But I question sometimes whether the alcohol was not the real reason for what happened. Could it be that it was just our expiration date? I wonder if the alcohol was bigger in my head than in reality? Anyone else?

But my last few encounters with him taught me something.
When he is drinking he loves the world and the world loves him- or so he thinks. We really are just barely tolerating him.
And when he is sober he is often overly sensitive, moody, irritable, defensive - and I am the enemy.
What kind of messed up relationship is that?

So, I don't like him when he's drinking and I don't like him when he's not drinking.

Sounds like a no brainer to me.

LaPinturaBella

I think your perceptions of reality when you were in the midst of the chaos may have been skewed. How could it not??? Alcoholism distorts reality, it's all drama and chaos that is not real. So, no I don't think you are making Alcohol too big in your own head. Your brain is clearing from the craziness, the distorted reality according to the A, the fog. Reality as it is is now beginning to be recognized. It feels better doesn't it?

Tuffgirl

Thanks for posting this today, jamaica. I am in exactly the same place. To be rigorously honest here, I really don't like my husband at all. As a matter of fact, I think he is a complete jackass. And that makes me very sad. Because I believe being a jackass is as much a choice as being anything; happy, sad, mad, etc. We choose to be that. For some f'ed up reason that obviously I do not see - it works for him. It allows him to not be accountable for his own actions.

But it leaves me in the place I have been in for some time now - the change occurs within me. It makes me angry to have to accept that even 6 months sober, my husband is a total emotional ******. And I mean that in its literal sense. I've lost respect for him. For me - that's the relationship kiss of death.

So this weekend, I am wrapping up a dangling piece of business and going completely no contact. No texts, no calls, not even saying hello if passing in the street. His jackass-ness is wrecking my serenity. I wish him well - as far away from me as possible.

I believe in my HP and I know this is not what is laid out for me. This is not my path anymore. Now its up to me to get off of it.

jamaicamecrazy

Wow, Tuff Girl- You really are. I envy your strength and resolve. And thank you for making me giggle at your use of the word "Jackassedness" Wonder whose picture is next to that word in the dictionary?

Anvilhead
Thanks for your comment about things "not working to anyone's benefit." It certainly wasn't. And all I could picture was that cute robot in the movie Short Circuit. "DO NOT DISASSEMBLE!!!". Yeah- that's me.

Sigh.

skippernlilg

I think I understand what you're talking about. I've heard people close to us (my ABF and me) say things that make me think our r'ship just ran its course.

But that's when I look at things through his empty bottles, such a distorted view.

Nope, it's the disease in our house, plain and simple. That is what has caused our demise, no question about it.

I'm just doing what I need so that I can recover from the affliction.