Old 06-05-2011, 09:26 AM
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RAH and I have been back and forth multiple times about separating over the past month. Some days are good. Some days are OK. Some days are miserable.

I can literally go back and forth between wanting to be with him and wanting to run away as fast as possible within minutes.

Is this normal for those of you who have gone through it? He is finally starting to actively recover ... has a sponsor, working through his first step. He also painted the bathroom on his own with no intervention from me which is crazy.

Part of me feels like I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop ... I know it can't stay this good.

Part of me wants the shoe to drop now. Part of me wants the shoe to never drop.

The other thing I'm struggling with is thoughts of divorce. Running away. Etc. When you were going through your divorce, what were the things that made you do it? Part of me feels like "I'm afraid that things will be great for 2 or 3 years and then he'll drink and I'll have wasted time" is too much of the not staying in the now/not really a reason.

I am so confused. Right now I'm obviously on the "want to run away" wagon. In an hour I'll be excited by our future once again.

Thanks for letting me spit out my words in a confusing fashion. :-)
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Old 06-05-2011, 09:37 AM
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Yes, it's normal to feel that way. That's why it is likened to riding a roller coaster. You have your ups and your downs. When you have finally had enough, you will know and you will do whatever is necessary to get off that ride.

In the meantime, are you attending al-anon meetings? They can be a tremendous help in learning how to keep your serenity and well-being from being affected by whatever your husband does or doesn't do.
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Old 06-05-2011, 09:42 AM
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Hello! Welcome to my head! I am separated and still have the same are not alone.

Do you attend Al-Anon meetings? They have helped a lot to step out of the crazy thought cycle.

The only reason I am not divorced yet is because of the "wait to do anything drastic the first year of recovery" idea. So I can say that I did. I don't know what the future holds, but I do know that I couldn't live with him through that first year. However, I don't "need" to divorce right now so I am not rushing down that road, either. But I needed my own place, and frankly I see that I couldn't go through this with him...I would be too impatient and judgmental. I see now that my leaving is doing him a favor, too.

I love him, but I love me more. In the end, I left to take care of myself in the way that works best for me, and to allow him to take care of himself, in his own way.

Was the best decision I have made in a long time. Now, I can work on my crazy, obsessive thoughts in peace.

I have no idea if we'll stay together or go our separate ways, and I no longer worry much about it. That is progress! I will go on living, regardless of what happens to this relationship. I needed that lesson. It is no longer a priority in my life. I am a priority now.

Have you read Codependent No More? I pull it out when I start to have crazy thoughts again...helps a lot, too.

P.S. - cross post with Suki...funny we said the exact thing about Al-Anon!
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Old 06-05-2011, 09:55 AM
  # 4 (permalink)  
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Appreciate the responses so far! And yeah, I'm an Al-Anon girl. Working on step 1 right now! It's a lot of work, but it's helping a lot so far. So that's a move in the right direction!
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Old 06-05-2011, 10:00 AM
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Tuffgirl and Suki said it all. My experience is things became a lot clearer in my head when I moved out. I've only been out 2 weeks but I feel so much better. As others have said when you are in the middle of it you can't see the forest for the trees.

Funny thing is when I moved out I fought with her every bit as much (in my head!). Things are starting to settle down now, I'm working on going no contact and I am getting back in touch with me.

Be strong and do what is right for you. Make the choice that is going to help your recovery and be selfish about it. It's your choice to make.

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Old 06-05-2011, 01:22 PM
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Oh yes I get where you are at. I have been in this place for a long time only now the roller coaster is just going straight down and I don't see it heading up. I think where you are at it is perfectly okay to feel exactly what you feel. You are hopeful but yet you know there is a good chance the ride is not over with yet. Do you wait to see how it all plays out? That is only something you can determine. If you are young and don't have any kids I would be more inclined to tell you don't wait too long, but if you have time and kids invested in the relationship then giving it time maybe the best thing to do. Keep going to Alanon and focus on you. If you can stay healthy and in a good mental place it should surely make the ride less bumpy.
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