FreeingMyself

My stbxah has been really pooring on the charm....his type of charm - name callng, horrible accusations etc. During the times he says awful things the best thing I have learned from here is how to let it go.....to not give him any space in my head. This is SO much easier said than done, but I am getting better at it. I find that I mostly get caught up trying to explain to him how hurtful his words are to me, trying to "make" him understand that he just can't talk to me that way. For example yesterday the last 5 words I heard on the phone were, "dumb a@@, stupid f!($(%( b#($($. That was when I hung up. Obviously he still gets a little space because those words bother me, I don't understand ....but when it was done and said I went about my things to do without it affecting me. But it still bothers me a little which is why I am writing here. I want to give him NO space in my head. When I go in to my how could you say that thing...and he gives me yet another reason how I made him call me names - I know I just need to stop. But in my mind - who would EVER talk to someone that way, then act as if it never happened. In fact reading here it always seemed to me that those who were abusive went thru a cycle of being overly kind and apologetic - at least that seems normal - my stbxah never apologies, he just acts like it didn't happen. This is SO SO SO strange to me.......and trying to understand how he could do that is just completely beyond me. I'm not sure why I even care anymore, but it is just such bizarre behavior.

Pelican

What works for me when dealing with addicted personalities is this:

Keep all communication at a professional level. Talk as if I were speaking to a business client. Business only.

When the personal stuff (whiney, negative, life-sucking crap) starts, I end the conversation.

My ex learned after a few hang ups that I was not willing to listen. If he needed to tell me something, he learned to stick to the subject at hand.

dollydo

Bizarre Behavior and addiction go hand in hand. The more time you spend trying to figure it out, the more you will realize it is insanity at its finest.

I would suggest going no contact, there is no reason to subject yourself to his nonsense.

Move forward, there is no understanding him, you are just wasting your time.

barb dwyer

my friend used to say "just the facts, ma'am"

and "civil but non commital"

I never got the huggie junk either.

Shows how much those people know.

forgotten1

maybe he's in an alcoholic phase where he is beyond feeling remorse... maybe he's actually blacking out when he says those things to you... or maybe he feels so bad he wants to pretend it never happened so he can pretend he's not that type of guy???? who knows?!

mine never apologized either... maybe in the beginning (like, year one of 2.5 years). we'd have some night where he's badgering me--calling me names, saying horrible things i am/do and that the reason he says them to me was because i was being "crazy or a bitch or not being nice to him" etc etc. then, we'd wake up the next day--him sobered up and me just exhausted... and i got to the point where i, TOO, wouldnt want to bring up what just happened the night before coz i just wanted to keep going forward and hope it wouldn't happen again. (since i had learned that to bring it up the next day would just cause another fight and name-calling session)

trying to give them no space in our head while they are still in our lives is going to be impossible. it's that whole trying to ignore an elephant in the room scenario.