Progress while in prison?

Old 06-04-2011, 06:02 PM
  # 1 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Californnia
Posts: 4
Progress while in prison?

I am looking for advice and perspective. My AH has been in jail for 7 weeks for burglary and is soon to be transferred to prison for a minimum 2 and a half years. We have only been married for two years and until he was caught and put in jail, he had never been honest with me about his addiction or the lengths he would go to afford his addiction. So, now I have a lot of questions and a bit of a decision to make about our future. It is no small decision for me to leave or stay so I would like to be in conversation with him about our present feelings, thoughts, and goals -- to gage the hope of a healthy marriage in the future.

So far he has admitted that he is tired of lying and that he wants to recover and be sober, but beyond that he will not talk with me about anything "meaningful." I want details and to be able to talk about some of the things that I have learned post lock up. He essentially wants me to forget the past and look to the future and forgive.

I can and will forgive. I know that no matter his place in life I need to take care of me. I am in al-anon, Cel recovery, and about to start step study for codependancy.

My questions are not if I should stay or go, but for some perspective from those who have experienced the pain of incarceration and understand his reasons for superficial connections and advice for me as to realistic expectations for long distance relationship growth.

Thank you so much. I have not been able to connect with anyone yet that understands the incredible life-shift that happens when a loved one is put into prison and their spouses "other life" is exposed, all while those left behind are left without the basic elements to meet their needs physically, let alone emotionally.

solowife is offline  
Old 06-04-2011, 06:07 PM
  # 2 (permalink)  
Member
 
lillamy's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
(((hugs)))
That's a tough situation to be in.
I do know that alcoholics often do really, really well while in prison -- simply because they don't have access to their drug of choice. The challenge seems to be making the transition from prison back to society.

I don't have any first-hand experience of having a loved one incarcerated, but it sounds like you're making plans for doing all the right things, taking care of yourself. And beyond that, the only thing I think I would try to do in a situation like that is take a day at a time and not borrow trouble from tomorrow. As you go through your recovery, you'll figure out step by step what you want and where you want to go and who you are -- and that will answer a lot of your questions.
lillamy is offline  
Old 06-04-2011, 06:20 PM
  # 3 (permalink)  
Skipper
 
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: South Texas, USA
Posts: 827
I've only had one semi-close friend who was imprisoned for embezzlement when she was trying to fund her addiction. She has served her time, and she has improved. She does not use at all now, and she lives a very happy life. She is finally getting her act together.

During the time she was in, I wrote to her at least once a week to help keep her spirits up and let her know someone cared about her. She had very few friends who would do that for her because of all the bridges she'd burned.

She's very humble and gracious today, and I love seeing her accomplishments as she jumps one hurdle after another.

She is planning to marry the man she met after she'd already served her time. She felt that she had to cut ties with the people she knew and hung out with during the time she was using to be able to successfully work her program.

That's the closest story I have about that....

Last edited by skippernlilg; 06-04-2011 at 06:22 PM. Reason: typo
skippernlilg is offline  
Old 06-04-2011, 06:42 PM
  # 4 (permalink)  
I'm no angel!
 
dollydo's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
Don't really have any advice, my exabf was in prison for 16 months, I waited for him, nothing changed, he learned nothing, everything he committed to me while in prison was total BS.

Now, that does not mean that your husband will do the same thing, he may learn a life lesson while in prison, there is no way to know.


You might want to read the below post by Cycnical One, my exabf uttered at least 80% of them to me...

All I can say is: Trust Your Gut, and work on you...I wish I did!

Things Addicts Say From Jail

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Things Addicts SAY from Jail

1) THIS time is it/I'm done
2) I'll do ANYTHING you want if you go back with me/help me
3) You can hold all my money
4) I'll go to meetings/treatment
5) Give me a break
6) Work with me on this
7) I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry
8) I want to quit, but...I can't do it without you
9) I know what I have to do
10) You drove me to use, I'm worse now because you put too much pressure on me
11) Don't abandon me
12) I need you as a friend
13) I wouldn't leave you in jail/abandon you if you were here
14) I don't belong here, I'm an addict, I'm not a bad person
15) I need to stay clean for myself
16) I'm getting too old for this $hit
17) I don't want to use
18) I've found God
19) I have a long climb ahead of me to get out of this pit I've dug for myself
20) Look at the damage I have done to (fill in the blank)
21) I am so far in debt, I owe so much to so many people who have helped me
22) I want to be respected and will have to work really hard to earn that respect back
23) I will do anything to make it right
24) I am going to kill myself.
25) I am so lonely in here
26) If you were the addict, and had this disease I would stick by you 100%
27) Forget the past and look forward to our future together.
28) I'm so ashamed
29) I will change
30) I'm hungry, can you put some money on my books
dollydo is offline  
Old 06-04-2011, 08:24 PM
  # 5 (permalink)  
Member
 
Freedom1990's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Originally Posted by solowife View Post
I have not been able to connect with anyone yet that understands the incredible life-shift that happens when a loved one is put into prison and their spouses "other life" is exposed, all while those left behind are left without the basic elements to meet their needs physically, let alone emotionally.
It's a difficult and painful place to be in, isn't it? I had no one to talk to when my EXAH took a third, yes third, trip to the penitentiary. His prior two stays were before I met him.

I can only share my personal experience, and that is the marriage did not survive for many reasons, not the least of which were my sanity and safety.

He had jailhouse remorse. That was the extent of it. Even after his parole officer sent him off to inpatient rehab, he was back to drinking whiskey and shooting dope the day he got out.

That man is deceased now, complications due to AIDS. He was 47 when he was buried. That was a gift I missed out on by about 2 weeks had I decided to stay with him. That would have left a daughter without a mother eventually.

It's wonderful you have recovery for yourself. I promise, you will be okay as long as you embrace your own recovery.

I have survived more than I ever thought possible because I've had recovery in my life.

I hope you continue to post, and know that you are among people who care.
Freedom1990 is offline  
Old 06-04-2011, 09:43 PM
  # 6 (permalink)  
same planet...different world
 
barb dwyer's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Butte, America
Posts: 10,946
Hi Solowife - welcome...

I've tons of experience with this kind of thing
seeing as how I used to be attracted to criminals.

I used to joke that
*I* am not a criminal.
I just marry them.

And oh, boy do I ever know about
how lives turn inside out
when it happens.

Check your PM's.
PM me if you like... we'll chat.

Barb
barb dwyer is offline  
Old 06-04-2011, 09:59 PM
  # 7 (permalink)  
Member
 
kittykitty's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: carolina girl
Posts: 578
Wow, you're in a pickle.

Praying for you, and sending you hugs

kittykitty is offline  
Old 06-04-2011, 10:26 PM
  # 8 (permalink)  
Present
 
MeredithD1's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: "Happy Rock" (Gladstone) Oregon
Posts: 1,360
I read this earlier, and came back to see more of what other people had to say who might have had more experience with this. I feel very somber reading this and just wanted to lend my support, whatever road you take.

I did know a woman several years ago - I met her at her garage sale and we formed a sort of friendship for a few months. I was new in town and bought her filing cabinet She confided in me that her XH had been in prison. She told me that during that time, the prison system had some financial help for families of the incarcerated. She got some sort of aid. I don't know what that involves?? but perhaps someone would be willing to head you in the right direction??

I hope things get better for you soon.
MeredithD1 is offline  
Old 06-05-2011, 03:28 AM
  # 9 (permalink)  
Member
 
Helenlee's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: NSW, Australia
Posts: 197
My ex husband did 3 stints in jail, the first one before our marriage, the second 2 during our marriage ... & all 3 were for drink driving. First one was 7 months, second 4 months, last one 9 months. They were the only times he was in jail.
First time I did all the stuff cynical one listed above. Second time I never visited him & I stopped him having any contact with us after he was verbally abusive to my daughter on the telephone. Last time I visited him 3 times ... I was desperately looking for any little thing to hang on to so I could keep believing he would change. I guess I finally had enough recovery under my own belt to face the truth by then because I called it quits ... & then gave in & let him come back for one more try a month after he got out ... even though I knew he was drinking again!!???
You'll know if your man is serious or not by what he DOES while he's in there rather than what he SAYS. I wish I'd been recovered enough to have walked away the first time, when I could see quite clearly that my husband wasn't changing a thing. Instead, I frittered away 10 precious years of my life because I was strongly co-dependent & was choosing not to face reality at that point.
He still calls me every now & again ... to tell me he loved me & he misses me. He's still drinking & he knows it's killing him. I still miss him too sometimes, but not enough to continue sacrificing my life to our symbiotic disease - codependence & alcoholism.
I wish you the best whatever you decide to do.
Helenlee is offline  
Old 06-05-2011, 05:41 AM
  # 10 (permalink)  
Member
 
zrx1200R's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Del Rio, TX
Posts: 380
These people lie. Period. Hoping they stop lying will not result in them converting to a life of honesty.

They say anything they need to say to get what they want. It is the way they are programmed. Think about it from his point of view. He has nothing to loose. He's in PRISON. And if he spends the next 2+ years telling you what ever you need to hear, then you will be WAITING for him when he gets out. He will have a place to come home to. His strategy is to keep you off the market, so you don't find another while he's locked away for breaking the rules of our society.

"...advice for me as to realistic expectations for long distance relationship growth."


realistically --Zero hope for growth. 100% expectation that he will say exactly what you need to hear. You will be doing the "changing". Not him.
zrx1200R is offline  
Old 06-05-2011, 05:50 AM
  # 11 (permalink)  
same planet...different world
 
barb dwyer's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Butte, America
Posts: 10,946
The realization hit me one visiting day
and I realized

he'd never even ASKED me
how it was affecting ME...
how being searched to visit affected me...
if having to go out to the jail was a bother,
how being in the paper had affected my work...
how what he did affected ME...

nothing.

It was all about HIM and what HE was experiencing.

It really hit me like a cold wet rag to the face.

I *saw* him *see* me realize it as well.

And I hung up the phone thingy.
Stood with my back to him until time was up.

And never went back.
No more phone calls.
Gave unopened mail to his mother.

It was something *I* needed to do ... to the end.
SO that I could walk away
knowing I'd done all I could.
ANd that's what the end ...was.

When I'm done, I'm done.
barb dwyer is offline  
Old 06-05-2011, 07:27 AM
  # 12 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Managua, Nicaragua
Posts: 135
Wow! Thank you to all who have shared your stories. I know that this thread as helped many, many people in similar situations!
MayaandMe is offline  
Old 06-05-2011, 08:24 AM
  # 13 (permalink)  
Member
 
Taking5's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: LA - Lower Alabama
Posts: 5,068
Originally Posted by Lillamy
I do know that alcoholics often do really, really well while in prison -- simply because they don't have access to their drug of choice.
This is NOT TRUE. I wrote about this a few weeks back. Anyone that will trade money, cigarettes, sexual favors or anything else that can pass for currency while they are in prison can get any drug. The prison guards themselves are the dealers. I know not all prisons are like this, but I was offered stuff when I was locked up, and from my experiences in the rooms of AA and NA since, this is not a unique story at all.
Taking5 is offline  
Old 06-05-2011, 08:40 AM
  # 14 (permalink)  
I'm no angel!
 
dollydo's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
My exabf told me he was offered drugs many times while in prison, whether he used or not, I do not know, there was no reason to ask him, he would have just lied.

I didn't put much money on his books (like $200 in 16 months), I figured since he got 3 hots and a cot, he was covered. After all, this wasn't supposed to be a vacation, he was there for a reason, he was a crimminal and we tax payers were already footing the bill.

He used me to have a place to come home to, so he could get through his parole stuff, like going to meeting and so on. As soon as the time was up, he dropped the meetings and hit the drugs yet again. He also picked up some other nasty habits, actually he was worse after he came out. That's when I said Adios, Choa, Bye, got a restraining order, he violated it, I had him arrested in my front yard, he had drugs on him, back to jail he went.
dollydo is offline  
Old 06-05-2011, 02:28 PM
  # 15 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Californnia
Posts: 4
Wow, thank you all for such quick replies. It all confirms what I already believe; that it is a gamble to wait 2+ years for somebody who may or may not really be ready or capable of change. Additionally, true change is not readable until actions can be put behind the words. I am so hurt and fed up with his lifestyle that brought him to where he is now that even if we do decided to work on things down the road, I will be divorce trigger happy, waiting for a screw up so that I can say that I gave it the old college try. Doesn't seem like much of a marriage.

Yes, he has been in jail before while we were together. Only for a few days and always for probation violations. this is his second felony. The first one he earned 1 month after we were married.I do not think that he has ever voluntarily gone to rehab or counseling.

Thanks to all of you who have heard the same old sayings from the other side of the phone. they are quite familiar to me.

I will definately look into financial help for families of the incarcerated. Tomorrow I apply for a second job.

True open and honest communication while behind bars will be near impossible I fear. Thank you all for your support. it is nice to know that I am not alone and that there are many virtual hugs being sent my way.
solowife is offline  

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 04:08 AM.