Fandy

I think you are being as pro-active as you can to help to save her from herself. I hope that she joins in the effort...and starts to rebuild her life.

she is a very lucky childto have a mom like you.

barb dwyer

ps - I love the title of this thread.

I just *had* to say that.

Sorry to interrupt.

CatsPajamas

I remember a very dark time with my son when we decided that he couldn't live with me anymore. We were active in a church and he would still show up from time to time for a youth activity. Well meaning parents who didn't have experience with some of our issues would ask about him, why he had moved out, etc.... my answer was always the same: "He has some really important life lessons to learn and they aren't from me. We appreciate the prayers."

In our case, there was light, life, love and happiness on the other side of that dark place. It took a few years, but each made it through, stronger and healthier all around.

Mom hugs
Cats

Tuffgirl

Peace and strength to you this morning, tjp. I am sorry for your pain.
~T

tjp613

Cats - I love that answer!!

As I said, she's at a girlfriend's house and the dad is in contact with me. He is very gracious and said she can stay there (for a few days). I'm feeling like I have to control the situation -- to get her to move out of there -- because I don't want to impose on their generosity, y'know? But she's not picking up her dad's calls. I don't want them to feel 'responsible' for her.

Can't even find out if there's a bed at the residential center until tomorrow.

Any advice??

suki44883

I don't know how involved you want to get, but I was wondering if the girlfriend's dad would mind if your daughter's dad called their house and spoke to your daughter. Maybe if the dad suggested that she speak with her father when he called, she would be willing to at least hear him out. You said that the two of you had a productive talk yesterday, right? Maybe he can convince her to go to rehab or maybe come stay with him for a while.

Again, I'm so sorry you are dealing with this. There's nothing more you can do today. She's in a safe place and the dad there appears to be okay with her staying for a day or two. Since you can't find out anything until tomorrow, I hope you'll try to not worry about it anymore today. Can you find something soothing and relaxing to do the rest of this evening? I hope so. The situation is out of your control right now, so please, try not to let it upset you anymore today.

Impurrfect

(((tjp))) - I understand about feeling like she is taking advantage of them. My niece has been living with her bf and his parents for over a year (she's almost 18). She has no job, no education (past 8th grade), no driver's license, no car, yet she seems to be on her best behavior there and they like her being there. I'm pretty sure, though, if she were to "show out" like she does HERE, they will ask her to leave.

It's frustrating, even though they have had a good influence on her (no longer smokes weed, no getting drunk at THEIR house), we still feel like she is abusing a privilege. However, it is out of our hands.

You did what you need to do, and your daughter's friend's dad is going to do what he does. If her out-of-control behavior continues, I have a feeling she will burn some bridges, but who knows?

I pray you find a residential treatment center for her, but if not, remember...she has to walk her own path. Yes, she's young, but I've been going through this with my niece, on and off for 4 years, and that's the only way I can deal with it, because I, too, had to walk my own path to get to where I am. Just because they are under 18 doesn't mean you can control them. Yes, you still have legal recourses you can take, but it still comes down to her.

I continue to send you major hugs and prayers, as I know this is so hard. Please remember to take care of you.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

tjp613

Ya'll are so right. There's nothing I need to do today. Might as well go enjoy myself. I did just wake up from a 5 hour nap!!

Fandy

perhaps she is just trying to avoid the inevitable with her father. it's up to him to collect her if you are done with it.

I don't know your or her friend's economic circumstances, but she might be putting a financial burden on them....(which is something that kids never consider).

you needed the sleep, you are probably exhausted with the tension of the week.

barb dwyer

just checking in for today and offering some posithoughts and/or *prayers*

CatsPajamas

I don't usually give advice, but here's what I did:

I got busy, I did a lot of reading. I went to the video store and got movies that I knew I would like to watch, and I kept myself occupied.

We don't always understand our HPs timing.... or that of our kids HP either. I do know this: everything unfolds just as it should.

Take care of you, and let the other stuff take care of itself.

Mom hugs
Cats

passionfruit

you have done the right thing.

She is making her own choices not answering dads calls.

I wake up 2-3 times a week with a couple of my daughters friends sleeping on the couch.

These 2 kids were kicked out of their moms home and several other homes since then.

I feed them if they are hungry and let them sleep over occasionally.

Initially I felt sorry for them and was going to do more.

I told one of them about a job and put them on my computer to fill out an app.

he stopped and I asked what was up. he said it's too complicated.

i realized then he is where he wants to be.

So I made clear to them they are welcome to come eat and stay and shower occasionally, but they would not live here.

THEY ARE WHERE THEY WANT TO BE RIGHT NOW.

In between homes, living it up, they think.

So I let them.

only time will change them, if at all. Kids, they are.

I think you should tell the family that they can do as they choose, but they are likely to get run over, hurt, whatever and suggest they not put themselves in this situation.

Leave them and her to deal with her consequences after that.

Don't rig any more attempts to save her. You know this. Step outside your mama box.

Go with God tjp.

tjp613

Ok, I was in a bit of a panic 'cause I Googled it and discovered I'm breaking the law by kicking out my minor child -- in Texas that is considered child abuse & child abandonment. I called her and asked if she wanted to come home, mostly just to cover my a$$, and she refused.

Her father offered her a place to stay until Thursday (!) but she refused that also.

I did find out there is a bed available at the RTC so will take steps to get her there tomorrow or Tuesday. I wish she would go voluntarily, but I'm thinking i might have to get an "escort". UGH!

In general I am very calm and have enjoyed this quiet rainy day. Think I'll take a hot bath at bedtime and will sleep very well.

katte

tjp, I came across your post after a terrible day with my 17 year old daughter. Mine is also failing in school and incredibly draining my life and sanity. I don't know if mine is addicted to anything, but she has issues with depression and can be monstrous to deal with sometimes.
I don't know if I have any good advice, but maybe you could just find out about the residential facility first and not worry too much about imposing on the people she's staying with. They seem to be OK in the short term... Take a few days of space from her and you'll know soon enough when you can get a bed for her.
Sending you long distance best wishes and support.

tjp613

Thanks, katte -- sending you mom-hugs as well.

Impurrfect

(((tjp))) since she has refused to come home, or take her dad up on his offer of a place to say, I wouldn't worry about the child abuse/abandonment issue. She's made the choice. Brit has sworn, for years, that she was going to become an "emancipated minor" when she turned 16, but has never followed through. That would require her to prove she can support herself, and she can't do that.

I hope you can get her in the RTC, the sooner the better. I'm sure she's not going to be happy about it, but it will give you some peace of mind and hopefully, give her some time to grow up a little, think about how her life is now, and realize it's not all that, and give recovery a shot. At least, that's what I'm praying. It's so hard to watch them make mistakes, think they're "all grown up" yet not have a clue as to what being a "grownup" entails.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

tjp613

Thanks, Amy -- yeah, that's why I made the phone call with the offer to come back home ... just to cover my ass. If/when she talks to her psychiatrist, the doc will surely turn around and scold me for doing this. Not looking forward to that phone call. That's another reason I made that offer...so I could defend myself! LOL

Today will be a busy day ....and another wasted day at work....getting arrangements made at the RTC. I am blessed with the best bosses and co-workers in the whole wide world and they have been very patient with me.

Need all the good vibes ya'll can send! Esp. for her to go willingly. Thanks. I love you guys!

m1k3

tjp, You don't have to take anything from the psychiatrist. Of all people he should understand that you being an enabler is not doing her any good.

Just to introduce a little hope into this thread. I had difficult times with one of my daughters at around the same age. Pregnant in her Sr year. She managed to turn her life around, got her RN and graduated from one of the top Nursing Schools on the east coast. She is now married to a man that I like very much has 2 more children and is one of my best friends.

So sometimes there are happy endings.

Hugs and prayers,

Chino

Have you consulted the therapists for advice, recommendations?

passionfruit

.
I live in Texas. I am very surprised to hear this. I know lots of stories here where this very thing happened and this has never come to mind.

I was interested to learn recently it is common in other cultures.

I work with a 22 year old kid who is from South Africa. He came over to live with his aunt/uncle, his only relatives the US. He was booted out of their house when he was that age. Talk about have no place to go. Anyhoo, he said to me, he deserved it. He was wild and had to learn the hard way. He is working his way through an engineering degree now. Work and school is pretty much all he does, he says. He is all alone and talks alot about I spent this money and was not thinking about rent. That was dumb of me. He has only himself to rely on.

In my mind, I thought, he's a good kid. Bet you couldn't have told that to his aunt/uncle a few years back. lol

BTW: Is 17 still a minor in Texas?