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The Blacks, the Whites, and the Greys

Old 06-04-2011, 07:58 AM
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Skipper
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The Blacks, the Whites, and the Greys

I think ABF found a 'loophole' in my established boundary. I am now considering NC. Let's discuss.

On Thursday, my DS graduated 5th grade. He made straight A's and got recognized by President Obama. We (he and I) are so proud! Anyway, right after the ceremony, I checked my phone, and ABF had texted me a few times.

When I got a break, I did call him back since he had texted a few times.

My mistake.

He started his whining about this or that (I don't really listen much anymore), and I told him DS had just graduated and that I was picking up food. I also told him the latest with his Aunt and a couple of things. He did not like what I had to say about regular life things, and he blew up and started cursing at me and then hung up.

Later, he texted that he was all alone and depressed and did I mind if he came over to congratulate DS.

DS has not seen him for 3 weeks. DS is used to seeing him every single day. So, I agreed for him to come over for a short while to see DS.

DS was THRILLED to spend time with him. I let them have some time together, and I went off doing whatever.

Later, that night, he messaged me that it was nice spending time with us, and that he missed it. He missed All of It. I did respond with, "DS was very glad to have seen you."

Next day, Friday, I had to work for a couple of hours. DS was home, but the neighbor was checking in on him. ABF just showed up, and talked DS into letting him in the house!!!

He did not call me first. He knew my car wasn't at home, so he knew I wasn't home. I don't like this!! I don't like him talking DS into letting him in, or putting DS into that situation.

Worse, he came in, hung out, and then when I got home, started unloading his emotions that he got fired from the job he's only had for SEVEN weeks, blaming something that does not sound right to me, and then using his time here to avoid going home to his parent's duplex and listening to them ask him why he's already off work and why he hasn't mown the lawn there.

Then, when I left the room to let him spend time with DS for awhile, he followed me in my room and started insulting me and telling me what a bad mother I am.

I still did not engage, and actually waited two beats, told him I'm expecting my former in-laws any minute and he left. Telling him other people will be here is a good way to get him to leave, since he has taken anti-social to a whole new level. It was the truth, my in-laws are here and we're enjoying lots of time together catching up. (in-laws from my former marriage...before ABF came along).

Anyway, just typing this out makes me feel better. It's almost surreal that this even happened.

I have places for DS to be all summer, so this shouldn't happen again, and ABF has no idea what my new summer schedule is for work and school. I think I have successfully planned around this to happen again.

He really crossed a line, and I am never successful letting him know that, so I will just make sure our boundaries are taken care of here.
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Old 06-04-2011, 08:32 AM
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peaceful seabird
 
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I believe NC is a great idea.

He manipulated his way into your home both times.
first by saying he was depressed, could he come by to see your DS

That got him in the door. Game changer in his head.

second, by showing up the next day, unannounced, and getting the same welcome.

If he does text you (I am not recommending initiating contact), state your boundary:
It is not okay to show up at my home unannounced. Period. End of conversation.

Whatever you choose, I think you handled yourself well when you found him in your home with your DS. No drama, congrats!

Congratulations to your little man for such high marks! Good Job!
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Old 06-04-2011, 10:56 AM
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Good work getting him out of there, analyzing the situation, and making sure it doesn't happen again.
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Old 06-04-2011, 01:43 PM
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Well, you opened the door and he walked in. Addicts are very good at manipulating.

Perhaps it's time to go no contact, your son will be fine and you will not have to play catch up all the time.

Congrats to your son, that is great!
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Old 06-04-2011, 03:12 PM
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congratulations on all the fabulous stuff happening with your son!!!! Wow!!!

your thought of going NC sounds good
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skippernlilg (06-04-2011)
Old 06-04-2011, 06:11 PM
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I keep thinking of vampires...LOL. The folklore is that a vampire is not allowed to enter your home until you invite him/her in. And then it is guaranteed s/he will suck the lifeblood from you.

I'm getting a garlic necklace and a big garlic wreath for my front door!
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Old 06-04-2011, 07:20 PM
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I'm no angel!
 
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I am a Feng Shui fan, anyhoo, I have a large (4 ft) gold dragon that I purchased in Peru, he sits on my front porch and wards off bad spirits, it works, exabf hasn't been back since I posted the dragon on guard duty.

To be safe I just might hang a garlic necklace on him...can't hurt!
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Old 06-04-2011, 07:43 PM
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same planet...different world
 
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LOL dolly do

I have a 'door guardian' as well -
a strange piece of driftwood
that LOOKS like a evil, angry face...

scares the hell outa everyone.

He is the first thing you see when you walk in my door.
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