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Moment of weakness

Old 06-04-2011, 02:50 AM
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Moment of weakness

I'm feeling very sad and missing XABF. I have been doing so well, going NC, and realizing that this is truly for the best. But I had this immense sadness sweep over me tonight. It's rather ironic because when I have a few drinks with friends and am feeling buzzed, I have a desire to fix things with XABF and just contact him and know that I have someone to go home to at night. I feel very sad now that I can't

It's rather ironic because everytime he drinks he just hates me and wants to distance himself from me, but I just want to go back to him. I miss just being in his arms and having another being to say goodnight to at the end of my nights. He hates and I just want to love. Why doesn't he feel this? I so wish that he did...

I guess I just need somebody's hand to hold right now
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Old 06-04-2011, 05:10 AM
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I think those feelings of sadness come at the end of all relationships and they are extra painful with an A because there is generally a lack of any meaningful closure.

Thinking of you and stay strong. The feelings will come. I would always promise myself that I would not make a decision in the midst of any 'wave' of feelings, regardless of if that was sadness or anger or whatever.
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Old 06-04-2011, 05:18 AM
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Bruingirl (((hugs)))

you can hold my hand for a while even if it is only pretend. My issues are a little different I guess. After a few drinks I don't get lonely, which surprised me, I want to fix it. I'm sure I can make it better if I try just one more time. It can be hard to resist.

Coming here is the best thing to do when you get those feelings. I reread the 'what the normies don't know' thread. Its like getting cold water thrown in your face when you see the reality of what your missing.


One day at a time girl, one day at a time.

Your friend,
Comming
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Old 06-04-2011, 05:23 AM
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I have no idea how comming got stuck in my post!!

I have a netbook which I really like unless I'm trying to type longer message. I'm a big guy and I guess my fat fingers mash more than one key at a time so sometimes it jumps and puts letter and words in the strangest places.

I may have to quit touch typing and go back to one key at a time.
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Old 06-04-2011, 07:16 AM
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Originally Posted by bruingirl View Post
I miss just being in his arms and having another being to say goodnight to at the end of my nights....
I guess I just need somebody's hand to hold right now
I am absolutely serious when I say this.... Get a dog.

GO to your local shelter, and rescue a dog. Or cat, whatever floats your boat. Alot of us have pets, and they are our rocks for us, who we cuddle and cry with, these little fury things that make us feel needed and wanted when no one else does. They offer love, support, companionship, commitment, the whole gammit.

You will be so wrapped up in your new friend, and your new friend will be so wrapped up in you, that this whole process will be much easier. I couldn't have done it without my Missy Girl, I know that for sure. Missy was abandoned outside an animal shelter very pregnant. All her puppies got adopted, but no one wanted her. I rescued her in Nov of 09, around the same time I started Alanon.

The excitement of getting a new dog is life changing at first, I would race home from work because I can't wait to see her, can't wait to teach her new tricks, and just love seeing how enamored she is with me, because she knows that I saved her life. She thinks I hung the moon, still does. I've been gone for three days, and she still sits up in the computer room at my dad's house looking out the front window all day, waiting for my car to pull up. Silly girl.

And i shouldn't say it is life changing at first, because I actually still feel that way about Missy. I still can't wait to get home and see her, and every time she sees me, she acts like she hasn't seen me in years.

The broken roads that shelter dogs have been walking down lead them to us, and they are so grateful. Every look into your eyes, he will remind you just how special you are, and I think that's what you need right now.

I truly feel that if Missy could talk, she would...

"every long lost dream led me to where you are
others who broke my heart, they were like northern stars
pointing me on my way, into your loving arms
God bless the broken road that led me straight to you"
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Old 06-04-2011, 08:05 AM
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I agree with Kitty, pets are miracle workers, a little wee one will shift your priorities and liven up your space. Not to mention you can hug them anytime you want to!
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Old 06-04-2011, 09:12 AM
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I wholeheartedly agree! My boy (dog) has been a lifesaver for me-I adopted him after losing my special beagle - this guy has been through the mill with me and one of our members at Al-Anon jokingly told me that after what he has been through as well, he needed "Al-a-Mutt."

Seriously-pets give you a purpose-feeding, playing with, loving, caring for, walking-I walk mine daily, meet people in the neighbourhood, things like that.

They love you unconditionally, are there for you when things are good and not so good and there's nothing like coming home after a hard day and seeing a tail wagging or hearing meowing or chirping just for you.

Dog, cat, bird, hamster, rabbit.....whatever, pets make life a whole lot nicer. Shelter pets even more so, as they are lost souls like us and need a forever home and loving people.
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Old 06-04-2011, 11:16 AM
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And unless you buy an elephant -
they don't cost anywhere NEAR what a person does.
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Old 06-04-2011, 12:14 PM
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This could probably be its own thread - the power of pets - and I do agree. I have a dog and 1/2. One big, one little! They make me step out of myself.

BTW - alcohol has a melancholy effect. Don't let it overrule your good judgement!
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Old 06-04-2011, 12:25 PM
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What a wonderful suggestion. My sweet girl has gotten me through a lot of tough times, just by being there. It is a known medical fact that petting a dog or cat will lower our blood pressure, and bring about a sense of calm. Easy to believe that.
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Old 06-04-2011, 05:22 PM
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Thanks for the advice and support everyone I do happen to have a cutie pie who is the main man in my life....his name is Brownie! I adopted him when he was just a baby from a local shelter. I'm an only child so that's part of the reason I have issues with feeling lonely a lot I think. Brownie has really taken the role of brother to me for half of my life. His 13th birthday is coming up in September actually!

Unfortunately he's pretty old for a dog his size (He's a german shepard mix) and so he's been having some health problems like recurring seizures. I guess I might just be feeling kind of in the slump because I'm not sure how much longer he will pull through I'm thinking along the line of weeks and months. It's very sad to see, but something that I have to accept is part of the natural life process.

I'm just trying to enjoy the time I have left to spend with him as much I can! I really love that ole furry squishable guy!
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Old 06-04-2011, 05:57 PM
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Crazy as this sounds, one of my two Shih Tzu's is 17 and blind and deaf, has been for two years. I can't believe what I've learned from him. He navigates the house by himself, he goes out the doggy door, down four steps (during the day)and out to do his business. His determination to deal with his disabilities has such a positive effect on me.
He gives me that "I can" attitude. He is an inspiration to me. So, I am not sad, his life is a celebration, and I embrace each moment.

I too am an only child and used to entertaining myself, so when I am alone, I am never lonely. Perhaps you need to revisit hobbies that you have enjoyed in the past, or, find new ones. I grow orchids, feel so proud when they bloom, the beauty of their blooms to me, is breathtaking.

The bottom line, think outside of the box, try something new!
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Old 06-04-2011, 11:21 PM
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I'm an only child as well and throughout my life, while having friends, I could always entertain myself. As long as I have a book, I am never lonely, wherever I am, which is clear across the country - I moved here to be with now EXABF.

Along with my dog, I have new friends through Al-Anon and school and volunteering, something the ex could never seem to do. While I may live alone, I am never lonely as long as I have my dog, a good book and a phone to reach out when I need to.

As for missing being in the arms of my ex-the only man in my life that gets to share my bed now has 4 legs, weighs about 60lbs, hogs the bed, snores, farts, burps and demands his dinner at 5pm.....why do I need the 2 legged variety???
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Old 06-04-2011, 11:33 PM
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I understand...
Keep a good tight focus on yourself!

If your aware of how you feel, when you drink
Might not be the best thing for you to do

Go find something new to do, go out on the limb, try something NEW!
Yoga, dance class, hikes, volunteer at the hospital or nursing homes
swim, bicycles, plant a herb garden, go visit a friend you havent seen
in years...(( DO SOMETHING NEW, Not the same old, same old )))

Go meet up with friends at the coffee shop,
not the bar or ones that have alcohol in their hands
(couldnt do that myself at first, 6 months later, still not something I need
or want)
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Old 06-04-2011, 11:36 PM
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Wow! Hello from Yet ANOTHER only child.

I downright require alone time every day!

I never had four-legged friends growing up After I got out of school, got a job, and moved out of my parents' home, my first roommate had FOUR cats!

I've had at least one cat ever since. I so dearly love the woos!!!

Bruingirl - I hear you; the feelings sound raw - Time heals.
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Old 06-05-2011, 06:03 AM
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hi bruingirl, loneliness is going to be one of those feelings that is very frequent in the beginning--because our brain is literally re-wiring after a break-up. bonds do create specific pathways in our brains and when a break up happens, losing this bond means the brain panics and is in survival mode.

while feelings of loneliness will happen throughout the rest of our lives, they will occur less and less.

this is the best time to really try new things or get back into things you used to do before so that your brain can get rewired into new patterns. for example, i love to read--with the A in my life i (we) tried to read but i could never read more than a book a month or even a book every other month! i always blamed it on other life events on why i wasnt reading up to the level i used to (one book/week or two), but ever since my break up i've re-wired and am able to read a lot again! and nothing else really changed (i.e. i still have the same life activities and responsibilities and actually see friends more, only difference is i no longer have to spend all of my free time fixing some relationship problem or dodging one).

not saying to specifically start reading--just that, there is something you probably used to do before you got in your relationship or something new that you may have not yet even started... remember those goals you had WITH the A in your life ? why not just try and go for one on your own?

it's freeing and the feeling of loneliness lessens once you remind your brain you enjoy doing things on your own afterall
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Old 06-05-2011, 05:34 PM
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Thank you for the support everyone! I am feeling better again today. I guess the sadness and loneliness just kind of comes in episodes, but thankfully like you said forgotten1 it'll be something that happens less and less frequently as time goes on and I focus on myself!

I definitely DO want to do something new and pick up a new hobby or routine. Hmmmm I wonder what that could be.... hahaha actually now that I think of it, posting on SR has to be my favorite new hobby that I've picked up!!
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Old 06-06-2011, 07:59 AM
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Glad you are feeling better bruingirl...and from yet another only child, thank you for the reminder that the sadness and lonliness are temporary, and we can and will feel better as we take care of ourselves.
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Old 06-06-2011, 04:44 PM
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I recommend therapy to see why you find someone unavailable attractive. Otherwise you'll get someone toxic again. I talk from my own experience...
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Old 06-06-2011, 05:28 PM
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It gets better. CeCe Winans has a song that says "take your time -'cause time is what it's gonna take- and one morning you'll awake- and there'll be one less tear- and you'll heal- I know you will."
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